Post Christmas 2016

Hard to believe the holiday season is almost over.  2016 draws to a close, and although I think this has been a really hard year for many I care about, it is just a period of time.  Time itself is neutral, it is the values we assign to it that make it 'good' or 'bad'.  

Thinking about friends who have lost parents, siblings, significant others, children, beloved pets and too many other important people to list.  Thinking of the health issues that folks are facing, or have faced this year.  Including me... The health gods do not seem to be smiling on me too much.  I am in the midst of a major flare of whatever this is, and I hope to have a plan for some answers next month when I go to the teaching hospital about an hour away to start the consult process.  It has been a hard year of self discovery, introspection, and sometimes, repeating painful lessons because I just did not get them the first time, or two, or three.  I am continuing to prioritize what is important, and in that, I am letting go of what does not serve me anymore.  I have had wonderful experiences this past year, and I am planning a holiday in September abroad.  I have much to be grateful for.  
- My career and my work...  Although challenging, I love what I do.  It will most likely continue to be even more challenging in 2017, but I will rise to that challenge.  Often out of great chaos comes great opportunity.
-My sweet kitties.  I lost my two sweethearts a little less than a year apart, and I miss them daily, but I was able to honor them with adopting two special needs and elderly cats.  And I could not love them more.  I love watching them trust me more and more, and I want them to know nothing but love and happiness from this point forward.
-My health and my resilience.  Yes, I have had 'bumps' in the road but I am able to do what I value, am able to run, and to be active despite those challenges.
-My friends who are like family.  And the composition of my friendships are changing.  I am no longer making time for folks who in turn, treat me like an option.  No judgement or hard feelings, it is just priorities and lives evolve.  And I am not putting myself second any longer.  If folks are not willing to meet me part way when I make them a priority, then I will not pursue them.  I am here when they need me, and when they want to make space for me.  Until then, life goes on.  I just smile when someone says 'I haven't heard from you lately'.  Ah... that goes two ways.  Today is a new day!
-My 'gut'.  It very seldom leads me wrong, and I need to stop silencing it.  

There are many other things, but as I look at this list, I realize that for folks like my hoarding mother, hardship and adversity is a reason to ruminate, to be bitter, to be intentionally cruel, and to try to create an impenetrable wall.  I choose to not do that.  I choose to be open to new people, to novel experiences, and to use unpleasant happenings in my life as a lesson.  I refuse to get stuck.  Life is too short, and as approach age 48, I know that another 40 years is not promised, and quite bluntly, is not all that bloody likely.  I choose to live my life focused on relationships and experiences, not on things.  I keep saying life is meant to be lived at full volume.  I intend to live LOUD.  

I wish that things were different for my hoarding and/or/narcissistic family members.  I got a mushy holiday card from narcissister.  I did not hear from my niece, and my mother's estranged sister called after over 8 months of no contact.  She seems to be out of active psychosis, thankfully, but I felt like she was feeling me out to see if I was amenable to giving her any money.  Maybe not, but she seldom calls unless she wants to dump on me, to ask for information, or to ask for financial assistance.  I kept the call short and I think she was a bit puzzled as to what just happened when she hung up.

My hope is for everyone reading this that 2017 is full of opportunities, challenges, and new experiences.  I hope that this will be the year my hoarding mother develops some insight, empathy and willingness to be part of her own solution.  I know it will not happen, and I am not setting my self up for bitter disappointment, but I can still hope.

I think 'hope' is the only thing that has allowed me to draw from my resilience and persistence.  No matter what, no matter how long, it will get better.  <Sigh>

With that being said, I know I cannot change things for my hoarding mother.  And the best gift I can give myself is geographic as well as emotional distance.  I cannot change her reality, but I can shape mine in reference to hers.  And I choose to continue to maintain low contact, firm boundaries, and hope that some day, she may make a different decision.  One that does not surround her, her home, and anything she touches with toxicity.  She turned 80 this week.  A milestone birthday, which she spent alone.  Choices and behaviors have consequences.  That is hers.  I will continue to ensure that my solitude is affirming and not isolating, and I will continue to my work to grow and to heal.  

I often say that hoarding is something no one wins, and that is true.  But, if there is a silver lining of sorts, I think I have found it in gratitude, in resilience, in persistence, and in self awareness.

And so we go.  Onward and upward.  I wish each of you the best of all possible outcomes for 2017.  I keep thinking of Gretchen Rubin's paraphrased quote in the Happiness Project... 'The days are long, but the years are short.'

Thank you for reading.

Time is passing, but some things seem not to change

I simply cannot believe it is the holiday season.  I am back from my visit to Florida, and a lovely one it was at that.  I spent Thanksgiving with friends who are like family, and spent the days in 80+ degree heat (F) and roaming the lakesides and orange groves with my friend in his new convertible sports car.  I went for lovely long runs in the sunshine, and we had our celebrations next to the pool or the fire pit.  And lots of Bloody Marys and cocktails.  I am invited back at the end of January, and I am seriously considering going.  

The kitties did well during my vacation, and as I attempt to type this I have 'help' by our newest feline family member.  It increases the challenge to write when you are receiving enthusiastic and bellowing head-butts and alternately the butt hello.  Cats.  

Anyway... From my last blog, my hoarding mother's hospitalization ended anti climatically and her cats weathered her hospitalization okay.  It was as I suspected, it was serious enough that they needed to surgically open her hand and clean out the infection, but no where near the high level of risk the 2010 cat bite was.  She was angry she was awake for her surgery, and in the two weeks post has been miserable, griping, and making everything all about her.  I am continuing to keep her on the low contact plan, and she is getting angry that when she tries to 'hype' something - often by asking alarming-yet-rhetorical questions, I respond one of three ways... I will:

1. Not answer at all, and she will eventually go on with 'conversation'
2. Tell her to ask her doctor, and not engage any further
3. Tell her I am at my location and have to go

I realize she gets some perverse gain out of having a problem for every solution, so I am working to not give her any gain or reward for her behavior.  It is baffling her, and making her very, very angry.  She is continuing to report off-the-charts, intentionally cruel and scorched-earth interactions with most anyone she encounters, and I simply maintain silence.  

While I was in Florida and had a restful week of no contact, she kidnapped the two neighbor cats that the neighbors adopted, then turned outside.  They moved away a couple of weeks ago, but late last week their teenage daughter asked my mother if she had seen the cats, and my mother cheerfully lied to the young girl and let her think 'something probably happened to them as they have not been [at my mother's] to eat for several days'.  

She is an intentionally awful person.  I personally prefer that cats be kept inside for their wellbeing and safety, but my mother was despicable... If what she tells me is even true.  The neighbor that lives behind her was in Florida when she was in the hospital, and returned after I did.  I am not sure if she has any additional information, or even knows my mother was in the hospital.

I am in a weird place, one of impending transition.  I am looking to the future.  I have no intention of leaving my current home or position anytime soon, but it will happen in the nearer-yet-somewhat-remote future.  I plan on going where it is warm.  Little to no snow so I can enjoy the outdoor activities I participate in comfortably all year long.  I am also looking at where I am in my career, and what is next.  I would like to have space for hobbies, more relationships, and possibly, a romantic relationship if the right person enters my life and shares what is important.  None of which can happen now, and it is not a complaint, it is just the way it is.  For now.  

I need to see what shakes out at the federal, state and local level for my organization and the social justice and civil rights movements I hold dear.  I need to figure out my health issues and the best way to address those challenges once I have a diagnosis and a plan.  I need to get back into my training plan for a marathon and hopefully, an ultra marathon.  I also need to continue my internal work of healing from nearly a lifetime of abuse.  Right now I am straddling two worlds, the one I occupy now and the one I wish to inhabit soon.  

I was at a friend's home and her lovely mother did a Tarot reading for each of us.  I do not believe in such things, but did it for entertainment value and to have a different perspective to think about.  From the reading my inability to allow failure, my trauma and turning away from family, my surrogate family of my best friend, and my contemplation of my next chapter in life were all discussed.  And any of those cards and interpretations could lend themselves to any person, but I continued to think about the work I am doing, the toll it is taking on my health and my life, and that I am already deep in the exploration and planning process for the next steps.  

Just some things to think about.  Now, back to work, and this week is a long and busy one.  I do not foresee a slow down until mid to later January, but that is the holiday season.  The holidays are hard for me in many ways, but I am lucky to have the people I do in my life.  I need to stop allowing work to co-opt precious time with them.  I also need to consciously spend less time with, or avoid those who drain me.  

Have a great week, and just in case I am not back before whatever holiday you celebrate, if you choose to celebrate any of them, I will wish you the best.