Just a note to 'Wonderful Strangers' of people who hoard...

Many quote worthy conversations in the past few days, but none that trigger me like the one she had yesterday with her chiropractor.  For those of you just reading for the first time, this person graduated from high school with me, and my mother has used her 'audience' with this woman to run me down and play the 'poor elderly woman who is neglected' role with her.  She is also obsessed with the fact this woman is a lesbian, and is constantly speculating about her income and cost of her vehicles and such.  Oh... and is fixated on her mode of dress and weight.  

So, I called her today, and she informed me that 'Dr. Wednesday' asked her if she had any relatives in town.  Mother advised she did not, which is partially true.  Most of our relatives are dead and gone, and she essentially drove her hoarding, narcissistic sister out of town with her campaign of hate and craziness. She is totally estranged from any of her maternal or paternal family, to the point I do not know surnames or if they are alive, etc.  'Wednesday' asked if she thought I would ever return to town to live.  She was informed that no, I would not.  And she preceded to expound on the reasons SHE perceives I will not... some are true (like being so economically challenged - my home state is in the heart of Appalachia, job opportunities, I have lived elsewhere so long that my current state is home) and then she had to start in... that I hate my home state, "I think she is afraid she might have to actually lift a finger and help around here" and blah blah blah.  NICE.  She was asked if she would consider moving closer to me ... to which she said that traffic, etc. was too bad, and several other excuses, like this area is the 'big city'.  Um... NO.  She also stated that she doesn't know why I wouldn't come back, she 'wouldn't bother'  me.  She further stated that all I do is work, I am never home (true during grant season at work) and that I am always out 'running' her derisive descriptor for the things you do with friends...

That kind of discussion strikes a trill of fear into my little, cold, black heart.  <You're a mean one, Ms. Grinch...>  I am very happy with 7 hours of travel between us.  It keeps the craziness limited to phone and ground mail.  I have been contemplating my next career move, and whether I will move out west... Even further away.  The problem with that is, my friends who are like family are here.  And although I am confident I would meet new and wonderful friends, and would stay in touch with the ones so important to me, I am not sure I WANT TO at this point.  So no rush.

I know this doctor means well, and although she has to suspect my mother has mental illness, (the personal hygiene should tell her if nothing else) she is my hoarding mother's newest 'Wonderful Stranger'.  She is probably using conversations regarding me to keep a rapport going with my mother.  We are connected on Facebook.  I just wish she would STOP. Honestly, I wish she had never acknowledged she knew me.  

I wish 'Wednesday' well, as she will undoubtedly find at some point in the not too distant future, that the fall from the 'Wonderful Stranger' pedestal is a hard and crazy one.

What I really wish is simple.  I wish folks would stop pushing and assuming that all families are functional and healthy families. Or at least, understand that some families are so full of abuse and narcissism that it is unsafe, both physically and emotionally, to have any sort of close, meaningful relationship.  I would also like for folks to understand that if someone is estranged or has taken the 'geographical solution' most times there is a reason, and to quit picking around the edges of it.  Some things cannot be fixed, nor should they be.  Some decisions have consequences, and sometimes the hoarder gets what he or she wants, to be alone with their stuff.  And some distance from an what seems to be a vulnerable elderly relative is not abuse or neglect, it is simply protecting yourself from further harm.  There is a minimum of 2 sides to each situation...

You cannot want something more than the hoarder does.  You cannot fix it in spite of or under the radar of the hoarder.  All an adult COH can do is set appropriate boundaries it takes to give you the space to heal.  In my case, that is 7 hours of driving time and 5 or so phone calls a week to check in.

Dr. 'Wednesday' will find out how 'pathetic, lonely, misunderstood and frail' this hoarding person is when she no longer serves the role my mother has scripted ... since no one has different opinions, life-truths, etc. than her... everyone is merely an extension of the Lifetime movie script that plays in her head.

Hoarding, no one wins.