Spoke to my hoarding mother the other day. We continue to be on the 'short call every third day or so' plan, which is working well ... for me. Especially as I continue to recover from my surgery a little over a month ago.
Anyway, I called to check in. And... Shocker... I got a whole lot of crazy. She was complaining about the neighbor who she hates who lives in the turn, and was going on and on about all the things he has stolen from her, like her iris plants, that he prominently displays in his yard to taunt her. She then gets into conspiratorial whispering mode, like the state of the free world is at stake, and that is what -sort of- pulls me back from the mindless spacing I was doing at that moment. Unlucky me...
"You remember where I had my iris plants and that SOB took them? Well, I just woke up thinking about that flower bed and I went out to it and the dirt had been disturbed. And when I dug down a bit, there were hard oval bulbs, and they were bigger, and grayish brown. Could they be... you know... that stuff?"
What stuff?
[Now, she has been on the psychic kick again, telling me about old coworkers, school mates, distant relatives that she thinks of out of the blue... Then... PRESTO! She sees their obituary in the paper.]
"You know... he was always messing in it as a kid..."
You mean marijuana? Are you asking if I thought if he planted pot in your flower beds?
"It is not in the flower beds. I noticed the dirt in the YARD was disturbed near the gas light when I went out to the flower beds, and... well. Is it? I know nothing about that kind of sh*t. What does it look like? Does it grow from bulbs? You know all about this stuff since you have worked with those drug people. The sheriff has been busting people all over the place around here, and I would not put it past him to do this then call the police so I am arrested...."
Seriously??? Okay. Marijuana comes from seed, and what you are describing does not sound like it, but I do not know for sure as I have not seen the seeds personally, just the plants or the product for consumption. And, with the small amount of seed, I doubt very much they would be flying the helicopter with the heat identification software to bust you. In your state, if I remember correctly from years ago working in juvenile detention... growing penalty is based on the aggregate weight, and this would be a misdemeanor, and of course you would test clean, so it is unlikely that the penalty would be imposed, which at most is $1,000 fine or 90-6 months, usually sentence suspended. Again, if memory serves.
"I would not put it past him! He is sneaky! He is escalating! I told you that he..."
Okay... at my doctor's appointment. Gotta go.
Wow. Egad...
Was it even plant bulbs? Or with her lack of smell, and severe cataracts... was it poo from some cat or animal that she is feeding on the porch that was buried? Her yard is all wild, just weeds and bare dirt... It would be the perfect cat box.
And- she is apparently pissy for some reason.
Tonight- I realized it has been 3 or 4 days since my last call, but I have had a rough few days with dealing with issues from the nerve damage wrought by my tumor (pain, pressure, insomnia and the like), and as I keep saying, this recovery is not linear. Plus, this is the week that I am allowed (after throwing somewhat of a a fit with my oncologist/surgeon) to start working offsite. Up to this point it was supposed to be less than 10-15 hours from home (um... I did exceed that sadly) and starting today I could go to meetings outside my residential program and office, and I am to keep my attendance onsite minimal at best. I have not been anywhere yet, and I go back on the 10th for a follow up, and I will learn if I can resume some onsite after that appointment, and if I am still on track for 'normal full time' (or under 40 hours) until the end of September. I also will be getting referrals to a neurologist and the core center to attempt to help with some of the damage caused by the tumor.
Sorry, I digressed. I attempted to call her, and the phone rang maybe 7 times, and I am positive she picked up sightly and hung up. Giving the benefit of the doubt, I called again, and it rang the full amount before the answering machine (that she keeps shut off) asked for the access code. Oh well...
I am sure she is pissed/being passive-aggressive that I was not overly concerned about the conspiracy to have her jailed on drug charges, and she has been complaining of a multitude of physical concerns, including a tooth ache, thrush (due to her immune suppression medication/lupus/antibiotics for the tooth) and etc.
I think I also annoyed her when she told one of her confrontation stories. She shared a story that the nurse practitioner would not give her the anti-fungal oral medication in the sufficient dose and duration she needs to head off thrush, and instead of asking to see the doctor, asking the nurse to check the file for the letter that her lupus doc sent, or anything that would be remotely helpful, she walked out. She has refused answer the calls from that office, despite being at the phone and seeing the caller ID as it rings, and they have called multiple times each day, and sent letters. She did call her lupus specialist and got the prescription she needed, but again, as in any situation where someone does not act in a manner that she wants, she took the nuclear option and simply could not give anyone the benefit of the doubt, or get out of her own way.
I am so happy to start transitioning back into work, although I am not as hale and chipper as I hoped I would be at this point. As I keep saying, this recovery has not been linear, and although the net gain each week is significant, and apparently- very ahead of where most folks are at this point, I still have a long way to go.
<Sigh>
I know she is not equipped to act like one would expect a mother to act, and I do not expect it... but it is bittersweet when folks that are not related are more supportive. And to be fair, I will not allow her to start her morbid poking and questioning, but a simple motherly 'how are you feeling' and asking about next steps or progress would be... maternal. I have amazing support from others, and I am so grateful. I continue to focus on the positive, and the tremendous luck that I had escaping so many dire things. I escaped cancer, a colostomy, having that THING burst in me at removal. I escaped having it rupture in me before surgery... which would have resulted in my death, either from bleeding (it was an almost 10-11 lb tumor on the Fallopian, and apparently it is a miracle that the tube did not rupture like an ectopic pregnancy)... and if I managed by some miracle to survive that, the septic infection from the fluid in the tumor would have gotten me.
I have continuing weight loss (I am down to 118 lbs) and the bone pain is lessening, but I still have low blood pressure continuing, most likely related the nerve damage and not surgery blood loss, is causing me to pass out once in a while. I have some other issues that I will spare you, and although I know I will heal and recover significantly from them... it is simply unknown if I will be 'normal' in function that way again. I am slowly coming to terms with frankenbelly, and I honestly do call my tummy that affectionately. A battle has been waged there, and it shows. It is now a part of who I am, it is not all encompassing. I am so thrilled to be here, to be returning to my career and life, and to be cancer free. This struggle, although brief, is coming to an end.
My struggle as a COH, however, does continue. And I will keep working at that as hard as I am working to recover from this. It is a large part of what I am... it does not make up the whole of me. Even if I were to end my relationship/estrange from my hoarding mother, she would take the nuclear path, and stalk and cause me all kinds of pain. And some day, no matter what, one of us will die first. And if it is her, I will still have some level of 'stuff' to deal with, even if at the absolute least it is simply moving on from having an estranged, ill, and toxic parent die...
Hoarding. No one wins. No one.
Have a great week, or what remains of it! Thanks for your patience, support, and again... Thanks for reading.
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