My last entry had me in a bit of a low spot due to the intrusiveness and the guano loco behavior of my hoarding mother. I am dealing with that, and realized that part of my discomfort is I am apparently ready to move on to the next stage of healing, whatever that may be, and it may ultimately involve going no contact with my mother if she continues her path, which I honestly see little chance that she will not continue to physically, mentally and emotionally decompensate. This is NOT going to end well.
My year has started off with a bit of a new health challenge, nothing earth shattering, but yesterday I got a diagnosis for a autoimmune issue that I thought was merely an infection. It is not huge or all that serious (like RA, lupus, or MS) but is still a pain in the proverbial rump, and something I had never heard of before. Upon doing some deeper research, it appears that for many folks this occurs with another co-occurring autoimmune issue. Now I have a couple of health issues, and I am not clear if the one is considered auto-immune or not, but I think it is. The new one is uncomfortable, makes me more susceptible to a certain form of cancer and prone to some other issues, but for the most part should be relatively invisible to others. I am less than impressed with this, but I am starting a 6 week regimen of more intense treatment and then will have a maintenance treatment a couple times a week for here on out. Life goes on, and I refuse to allow this to occupy a lot of headspace. I may have an upcoming biopsy and appointments with a specialist looming if things do not settle down SOON, and I will manage it as I do the other health issues I have. It will require a few changes to my daily routine, but... At 46 years old, it is what it is. It could be much worse, and I accept that some disease process will undoubtedly occur as I age.
Now- I called my hoarding mother as I was enroute to work. Ever the observant one, she asked why I was so late in leaving for work. I told her I went to the doctor, and when she asked why, I just skimmed over the diagnosis and the issue. She immediately diverted back to herself, talking about her 2 front teeth that have broken off at the gumline and must be removed this week, and how she takes such good care of her teeth and self and does not know how this happened.
SERIOUSLY? Personal hygiene is not her forte. An ER doc listed her dental hygiene as 'extremely poor' a while ago, something that sent her into the stratosphere. She now only will have 14 or 15 teeth. She started going on about how her underwear elastic pulls her pubic hair.
WAIT. WHAT? No... Do not repeat that. Ever. Please.
She then started down the list of taboo subjects...
- Public hair and grooming (lack thereof)
- Her crusty, scaled feet and nasty toenails
- Her distended belly
- The weight of one person and the female pattern hair loss of another
- Asking what I think a neighbor gets paid for selling cars
- Asking if I 'had talked to the woman that works at the Humane Society about the dog' that she caused all the problems about a couple of weeks ago.
You get the idea. Each time I would shut her down she would start on something else. Finally she came out with an asinine statement of political willful ignorance and threatened violence at a neighbor. I ended the call.
And then it hit me. I was a bit more disconnected than usual, as I had something on my mind (my experience at the doctor's appointment and the fact I am being referred to a specialist to rule out some larger, scarier things). Many friends, acquaintances, family, etc. might have noticed and asked if anything was going on... But not my hoarding mother. Since I was even more disengaged that usual, she was attempting to get a rise. She thrives on disappointing expectations, and pushing buttons and she apparently needed her narcissistic supply. And I was not obliging.
We move on. I will do what I need to do to take care of me, and I refuse to let her take up any more real estate in my head. I know that stress can exacerbate some of these conditions, and I plan to manage mine as well as I can. I am fine, and I will be fine. However, my hoarding mother will NOT be fine. And there is nothing I can do about that. Sometimes self determination is a double edged sword. So be it.
Have a great remainder of your week, and thank you for reading.
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