A little light in my life went out today.

About 2 hours ago I put my sweet gray kitty to sleep.  She been declining, and the vet confirmed she was in pain, and anything we did would most likely, at best, have very short term results that would mask the underlying condition, if they worked at all.  I am in shock, but after discussion with my vet, it was the kindest option for my sweet girl.  I held her the whole time.  I have sobbed intermittently and paced, stressing my other old girl out a bit.  She fierce, she was full of sass, and she loved me.  I am heartbroken.  I will miss her headbunts, her raspy voice, and her scowls when things did not go the way she thought they should.  I will miss turning on and off faucets for her, and her startling me sitting in strange locations.  I will miss her.  Now my other cat and I have to adjust to a new normal without her.  I worry that my other kitty will miss her, and will be lonely.  I dread going to bed without her.  She would manage to hog the bed, and I wondered how 8 pounds of cat could cause me and the other cat to wake up on the edge of the bed.

I also am overwhelmed by my friends and their kindness. Texts, emails, calls, social media responses and comments... Three of my friends ordered dinner delivered to my from my favorite (Vietnamese) restaurant, and figured out what I like from pictures.  I had not even thought of food, and most likely would have gone to bed (if I do that tonight) without eating.  I am so grateful.  I am SO grateful.  I do not know what I do to deserve the wonderful people in my life, and I do not take a single one of them for granted.

I spoke to my hoarding mother today.  I mentioned that I was worried about my kitty and headed home to check on her.  This launched a monologue about the last kitty she lost.  She called as I was driving to work to pick up my laptop and returning home to spend time with my kitty before our emergency vet visit.  

You know who has not called to check in to see how the visit went?  My hoarding mother.  Honestly, I am thankful for that, but it reinforces how perverse her relationship dynamic is with me.  And the outpouring of support and love for me and my kitty?  She would have little frame of reference since relationships are transactional, not reciprocal.  I will most likely wait a few days before I check in because I just CANNOT.  Earlier this week she was alleging someone came into her yard and dug a hole near her storage building (to pry a panel off and steal from it...) and they stole the dirt from the hole.  Really.  She then asked her neighbor to set up a baby monitor to listen since she can't hear well.  The neighbor said no...  The neighbor called me, it was not a baby monitor, but a driveway alarm.  These folks work, and would like to sleep at night!  When telling this, she was indignant that they refused, and I told her they should, that is intrusive and an inconvenience.  

Wow.  Just wow.

Back to working on my presentation for tomorrow.  I have to say I am having a hard time working on it as my heart is not in it.  I also found out that I am being recognized at the end of the month for my work in anti-violence.  I did mention it to her, and her response was, "Why would they honor you?  Did you ask for it?"

Le sigh.

Have a good evening.  Please hug those who are important to you a bit tighter when you see them, human, feline, canine ... (As long as they consent!)

Hoarding, no one wins.  No one.