Serious illness and narcissism

Sorry for the long delay in posting. I had a very unpleasant medical crisis unfold, and one that was potentially life threatening.  Long story short, I had a huge ovarian tumor that was the size of a honeydew melon in my pelvis.  Keep in mind I am a size 0 or 2 Misses (US) so my pelvis is not that big.  And I did not have a clue.  

Again, the cliff notes of how this situation unfolded are:

• Lisabeth got sick on Sunday and on Monday night allowed a friend to transport her to the ER
• At 2am Tuesday morning Lisabeth received this devastating news, and understood that there was a small chance at best that this was NOT malignant
• 10am Tuesday Lisabeth saw the 1st oncologist
• Wednesday Lisabeth was scheduled for emergency surgery to remove the mass
• Thursday Lisabeth saw the Cancer Center oncologists
• Friday at 5:15am Lisabeth reported to the hospital and surgery occurred, successfully...  The tumor did not rupture, they got it and the initial path report was benign, and Lisabeth did not wake up with a colostomy like was discussed in the Thursday consultation with the surgeons...
• Lisabeth spent 4 days hospitalized, and is now home recuperating from a large mid line incision 

As you can imagine, the 75 hours between discovery and surgery were similar to being caught in the center of a tornado.  My focus was on keeping calm and not panicking until we knew what I was facing, and I did something different this time.  I reached out to my friends, my coworkers and colleagues, and was very open.  I allowed folks to support me, to express their fear and dismay, to express their love... And they all knew the deal, what I was facing.  They knew that if it was ovarian cancer, what the 5 year survivability of that.  We had just buried my friend on Saturday... the day before I got sick.

Now... as you can imagine, I was torn as to what to say to my hoarding mother.  I had folks giving me different advice... to not tell her anything, to play it by ear until I knew, etc.  

"Hello?  Where have YOU been?  I have not been able to..."

Look.  I have some news.  ... [telling her]...

"[Stammering]But how is that possible?  How did you not know?  How is it possible that something that large is in you?  Okay... one question for you... does your belly puff way out?  Do you look bloated or pregnant??"

No... Why do you ask?

"Do you think that is what is wrong with me?  My belly is over 50 inches!  I am..."

Gotta go.  I will call you when I know more.  

<dial tone>

<Sigh>  So initially she tried to have a reaction that was focused on me, even if it was a bit of 'shouldn't you have known something'/victim blaming in tactic... but then we took a left turn right into narcissism and plowed right into her inability to see me as a separate person from her.  I sat in my car with the most awful, stricken expression before I looked up and caught a peek at myself in the rear view mirror.  

I called on Thursday to let her know that I was scheduled for surgery on Friday, the extent of what I knew, and the hospital, the day and that I would be on a certain floor after.  My best friend was taking me, and I advised her that he would be calling.  She was starting to demand that he call, and if she was not there, to call again... and to ... I cut her off and said he would call, let her know I was okay, benign or not if that was known, and that was it.  He had a huge list to call/text.  

Friday he called her, apprised her I was doing well and that the tumor was initially benign.  He shared with me that she was very emotional, crying, thanking him.  It tore at me a bit, because I again felt empathy for her, sitting alone in that miserable house, not knowing if she was going to lose me today, or 5 years from today... and knowing she always goes to worst case scenario...

My hospitalization was ROUGH.  I did not call anyone, but Friday night my friend gave my iPhone back.  On Saturday the land line in the room rang intermittently, but I could not reach it.  Finally it rang and a nurse handed it to me...

"Lisabeth!  LISABETH!!! IS THAT YOU?  YOU DO NOT SOUND LIKE YOU!!!!! Geraldo never called me back!  He said he would call me back!  I did not know where you were, I did not know how you were, you would not BELIEVE ALL THE CALLS I HAD TO MAKE TO FIND YOU!!!!  I called there several times and no one answered!  It just rang, and rang, and rang..."

Okay- first of all, give Geraldo a break.  It was a really long, rough day, and I cannot believe he said he would call you back... I suspect you told him that as he was ending the call... Second, I told you where I would be, and the reason I have not answered is I am in bed and cannot reach the nightstand where the phone is due to IVs, the Foley, and other things hooked up to me right now.  I am exhausted, and I am ending this call.  If you need to contact me, call my iPhone, and I do have it on silent so if I am sleeping it does not wake me up, and the ringer does not disturb other patients.  DO NOT CALL THE LAND LINE.

Sunday she called the land line.  Luckily, a nurse had moved the phone to the bed for me.  I had a horrific day.  I had to have my IV reinserted, and Foley reinserted.  My bladder and bowels were not 'waking up' and there was no way I would be discharged that day.  I was devastated, I had had a horrible reaction to pain meds, and was again on 'nothing by mouth' status.  She immediately started commenting on how I did not sound like myself, (duh- major surgery and sore throat from being intubated!) and how she could not hear me, asked if I had the phone near my mouth, called back from her cell phone, put her hearing aid in, and then started to berate the neighbors and talk her normal crap.  I advised her the med cart was coming and ended the call.

I will spare you the rest, but I think you catch the theme.  And each time she has deviated into the crazy, I have just ended the call.  I am keeping my phone on silent, so I am not hearing the ring tones/message indicators.  I need peace and space to heal.  I simply cannot deal with this right now.

She has not yet started her whole 'hopeless cancer' routine and made statements about how I am going to die... YET.  She did get fired up the day I told her about surgery say that it was not fair, all I have done is try to help people, and some many worthless people are still living, look at me, look at my dad...

Dear gods it is exhausting.  And I need all the positive energy I can get.  This is going to be a long and physically arduous recovery.  And I suspect, this will continue to evolve as her macabre interest, questions, and etc. will grow and she will start asking vile things.  

My friends were amazed at her, that she would not drive 7 hours to see me.  I am actually relieved she will not, as I do not think I could take it.  So sad, eh?

Hoarding, no one wins.  No one.