Some days it is utter waste of make up.... Not that I wear any right now...

I have had a crappy several days...  

How crappy?

I have had my self-determination taken by a male Uber driver and mansplained and initially refused to the proper direction until I bailed out in an empty parking lot.  Under  threat of having the police called on me I grudgingly re-entered the car because I was crying hysterically, he had my phone, and I had an intervening person, a medical worker that noticed my plight.  Suffice it say, I am the complaint process with Uber and he had the gonads to ask for tip and a good rating at the doctor's window ....  NNNNOOOOOOO.  No f-ing way...

I was nearly 45 minutes late to my appointment and although I was seen, I missed my Doctor and I couldn't have any labs completed because I such an escalated hot mess...  

Then my former employer, with confirming with me first had left my office belongings outside my door to my home.  

Also began a period of decline that I some what expected but not the depth of the episodes.  I fell, I could not get off the toilet on three separate occasions, yada yada yada...

I have a nursing care place arriving to a private arrangement for the weekend... So that is taken of, I hope!

Now- my hoarding mother...
Expressed incredulity, outright disbelief, and then a 'the sky is falling' panic... Then she resumed talking about her cats, the theft of her metal from her garage, etc.  Then she said some physical complaints and callously connected to mine.

Yeah- right...  Hoarding, no one wins.  No one.  Thanks for reading!

At long last- From The Mouth Of A Hoarder... (FTMOAH!)

Oh my GAWD.   You cannot make this stuff up...  Just this week on FTMOAH...
_________________
Talking about her nasty feet and her unwillingness to allow anyone address her tallus [sic] calluses and her plantar calluses... "... and I showed the nurse what I did and she just looked at me and looked at me and said she had never seen anyone that did that [preening like she did something ground breaking] and I showed her how this fit perfectly in my shoes and I cut the padding so I could roll it up..."

What padding?  What are you talking about?

"I can buy them at Walmart for $4.  The things you stick in your underwear to catch moisture..."

Sanitary pads?  

"I guess that is what you could call them..."
______________
Since I am not working right now, she seems to think that I am available 24/7, and she will call from a blocked number (which I never answer) and then she will unblock and call me repeatedly until I answer, hanging up and calling immediately.  I am going to have to mute repeated calls from the same number...

WHAT!?!

"Well, you don't have to be so nice, I am not sick, but I need an answer to something..."

What is it ... (This a Sunday night BTW)

"I saw an advertisement in AARP and they have a 'Jitterbug phone'.  Didn't you say one of the folks at the office had one that they wanted to get rid of?"

The office I do not work at anymore?  The thing I mentioned in passing over 11 years ago?  That thing?

"I was just asking!..."

She is DRIVING ME NUTS.  She has to get a new phone because her flip phone that she bought 10 years ago or so is dying.  She is considering buying an iPhone.  I suspect she won't, but ye gods...
______________________
"Let me ask you a question..."

Do I have a choice?

"[Goes on like she did not hear me....] Do you have a lot of moles on your body?"

NO.  No.  And we have talked about this 5 million times.  And I am not discussing this....

"Why are some red and some brown?"
_____________________
Hoarding, no one wins.   No one.

It is past due! From the Mouth of a Hoarder...

I have to laugh or I would scream...  FMTOAH time!  I have called my hoarding mother twice since last week.  Oy, why do I do this to myself?  Anyway... Here it goes!
________________
HM:  So, what has your experience been with ground turkey?  I saw a recipe on 'Cooking Light' and [nattering insufferably about how skeptical she is to whether that will be 'right' despite the fact she cannot cook due to her microwave and oven being out of order and her range top hoarded solid...]
Me:  :::Stunned silence:::
HM:  Well?
Me:  Um... You do remember that I have a Type I allergy to turkey and capon, right?  
HM:  What does that mean?  <Harrumphing>
Me:  That I have to have an double epi pen because I go into an anaphylactic reaction...
HM:  I don't remember THAT.

Now, I have had issues as a child with severe facial swelling, and it was around holiday time but no one toppled to the connection (or no one cared enough to try).  One of my few last visits to her house (1997 or so) she fed me turkey loaf... Cooked lovingly in the microwave.  I had a severe reaction with my face, lips and throat swelling. I looked like Quasimodo, and I nearly died.  I had continued exposure, and it only got worse.  SHE WITNESSED THE START OF IT.  Now I know that the weird, 'sudden' allergies are part of my overall condition (actually a co-morbidity) caused by Mast Cell Activation.  This has been a 'thing' for over 20 years of my life.

HM:  So you don't know whether ground turkey is good in that or not?
__________________________
HM:  I keep meaning to ask... You have several degrees, right?
Me:  What?
HM:  You have multiple degrees on something right?  You finished school for something or something?
Me:  Yes, you were at my graduation for my undergrad.  [I tell her my degrees, and licensure].
HM:  Someone asked me, and I could not remember...  
__________________________

Yeah.  I am not important in her life, but I knew that already.  Thank goodness for friends who are family and my furry family.

Thank you for reading!!!

And I went to ground again. Some lessons I must learn over and over...

Thank you for those who checked in via comments, emails, and the like.  It has been a busy two months, and I do what I normally do when life turns up the heat.  I 'go to ground' to mix analogies.  

I am not sure where to start.  I guess with a personal update, then onward to stuff with my hoarding mother.  Long story short, I had a long email and phone conversation with my new specialist after the disastrous appointment in December.  I felt she really heard me, and she scheduled more testing.  The medicine prescribed was AWFUL, and caused a headache within an hour of taking it, and it lasted two to four hours, then I would take the pill again.  I felt really rough.  I had my tests, and one was so invasive and so foul that they intentionally do not tell patients what it entails until you get there.  I also learned that I am still extremely claustrophobic.  I had a major freak out in an MRI, and managed to get through the test through sheer force of will alone.  My latest appointment with the specialist was a week and half ago, and she took me off the awful med with the horrid side effects (including headache and weight gain) and she has referred me to another specialist/surgeon, for physical therapy and biofeedback, and to specialized clinics and the genetics clinic.  I will not be seeing this doctor again as she has gone as far as she can, it is now up to the other specialists.  I feel so much better sans GI medication, and I am increasing my mileage slowly to get into my training groove.  

Now- from my hoarding mother.  Some areas of the northeast have had significant rainfall, snow, spring-like temperatures, and snow... Lather, rinse repeat.  Due to this, her area has HEAVY flooding.  She called today to ask why I thought water was coming up through the floor in her basement.  Apparently she called a home improvement store first and got angry when they were not helpful.  I advised her it was due to the flooding and melting, and she had a fatalistic attitude about it 'why should I even bother' when I told her she would need to toss anything that the water came into contact with.  She also stated that the hated neighbor in the turn has broken into the garage and taken the fusebox and the electrical panel.  I asked how anything electrical like lights or the garage door is opening.  She changed the subject.

She has been on a paranoid tear lately.  She tortured the Sheriff's Department in her area wanting to talk to the Sheriff, and finally settled to the Lieutenant.  She was angry and cursing him, stating he was condescending and did not believe her.  She blew up at me because she determined I had a different car because 'it sounded different'.  I had an SUV from the dealership (actually, the sales manager's $100K SUV that is self driving, etc.) because I hit some furniture after dark on the highway and did a significant amount of damage to my car, some covered by insurance.  She was furious I had not said anything about the accident to her, and she kept demanding to know how it happened.  Later, when they had to keep my car a few days longer since they found additional damage, she was giving unsolicited advice and opinions and then started saying things like 'is that why they gave you that SUV?  They have so many things wrong with their cars? ' and similar crap.  Um... NO, the SUV was a favor since their loaners were all out and they were trying to save me a rental fee and the car did not break- I CRASHED IT!  Her sense of entitlement to preferential treatment is astounding.   I was grateful, she was angry they did not do more or lie to the insurance company about a motor mount they had to replace while in there.  My car is back, and is good as new.  

She has been excessively horrible.  Smugly criticizing the neighbors for their wet basements and stating 'she has never had a problem' which is not true. but in the 50 years it has happened maybe twice, and then happened today.  She criticized a neighbor stating 'her pets do not last very long' and touting her pet's longevity, and then she suddenly lost one at 8 years old with a spinal stroke.  She continues to talk about horrible skin and body issues, and she lost more teeth, and only has nine in her head now, and may lose two more soon.  She also contracted C-Diff, and she has no sense of TMI.  C-Diff in a hoarding, 81 year woman is going to be hard to get rid of.  I could fill pages with the ableist, classist, racist, heteronormative and cisnormative crap she spews.  She absolutely exhausts me.

I have been limiting contact, and doing a lot of 'grey rock' with her.  Not that I would tell her, and not that she asks, but I have my own stuff to deal with, and life is not a bed of roses right now.  Work is busy, challenging, wonderful yet ROUGH, and I work 12 to 16 hours day Monday through Friday, and work all day Saturday and part of the day Sunday.  

I have my new treadmill in my bedroom, so that gives me some additional ability to train when my schedule is tight.  I am so grateful to the friends who got it and brought it to me.

I have much to be grateful for.  Even challenges often have a flip side.  If life knocks me down 10 times, I will get up 11.  I learned much from my hoarding mother, and I developed a sense of resilience I might not otherwise had.  With that being said, I have to repeat... Hoarding, no one wins.  No one.  Have a great week everyone!

Manufactured issues and a problem for every solution

My hoarding mother has a problem for every solution, and is 99.9% of her own difficulties.  I will just jump into the new installment of 'Hoarding, no one wins.'

Her phone company for her landline pissed her off, so after years of flailing them verbally on the phone and threatening to disconnect her phone, she finally did it.  She used portability to pull her landline number to a mobile phone, and wanted them to 'add a number' to that phone, as well as keep her current cell phone.  Of course, it did not go as expected, and after 3 days, 5 visits, 20-million something phone calls, she cancelled her new phone in a huff.  And promptly lost the phone number(s?) she has had for nearly 30 years.  She went to the competitor, and that has not worked either.  So for a couple of weeks, she has only had her mobile number (that she refuses to give out) and an aging, dying flip phone that she refuses to turn on when it is charging, and of course, will not use when charging.  She is looking at new phones, and found some crap flip phone as she REFUSES to get a smart phone so she limits her options.  I have annoyed her because I have offered ZERO advice or consolation for her troubles.

She is also angry at the newspaper carrier because he is folding her newspaper too tightly and rubber banding it.  She plans on cancelling that too, and she has taken the daily paper since the early 60s.  So... Inconsistent phone, no newspaper, and she does not have access to the internet.  

Her next gripe is with the cable company, and she may do something similar to the phone company snafu.  I am going to wait for that one with a bag of movie popcorn.  

So- she has vastly curtailed her phone access by her own rigidity and choices, and may do the same with the paper and TV.  I am not sure how she will entertain herself and she may become more paranoid, more delusional, and more disconnected with reality, more so than she is now.  Is this all part of it?

I have had some amazing opportunities at work that further the work of my agency, and are great for my career.  Typical of her, she questions 'why' I am asked to do that.  Then goes on to her usual laundry list of complaints.  

I have appointments on Wednesday and Thursday at the hospital that I had surgery at the first week of August.  I hope to be released to run and to start to train in all seriousness for my next series of races leading up to a marathon (and possibly ultra) effort.  I will also meet with the new specialist and have some more diagnostic testing.  

Work continues to be busy and stressful, and my elderly kitties are doing great and thriving.  I have several friends going through really challenging times, and I am doing what I can, but sometimes I feel it is simply not enough. 

I did look at the pictures of the 'hated neighbor's home' that he has listed for sale.  The wind chimes and the 'thermometer' he allegedly has on his porch that she claims are hers (that were actually my dad's mothers, so technically are mine) that she claims he stole are NOT the ones she claims they are.  Her descriptions of his house could not be more incorrect as well.  Just more validation that most everything she tells me is 100% bull pucky.  <Sigh>

I will continue to keep my mother on the very, very LOW contact interval of contact, and I refuse to be pulled into her utility provider drama.  

Hope everyone is having a great September.  Thank you for reading.  

Hoarding, no one wins.  No one.   

'Normal' is a setting on the dryer... Another episode that includes 'From The Mouth Of A Hoarder'!

Ye gods where do I start...  She keeps giving me so much material of late.  I will start with the FTMOAH...
_____
[Referencing her disgusting act of peeing in a cup to see what color her urine was...] "I have a disgusting question for you..."

NO.  Just NO.

"You know day before yesterday when I peed it the cup and it was orange?  Well, I decided that maybe I should keep it to show the doctor [if she went to a doc-in-a-box] so this morning when I got it out of the refrigerator it was still orange, but there was a whole lot of sediment in the bottom and..."

<Presses END CALL repeatedly>
_____
"... So I am giving [the charity] a whole box of new things I got from [local hardware store as premiums] all except the new toilet brush, it makes a great back scratcher.  I am going to keep it next to my chair..."
_____
[Discussing her six year old lawnmower that the ignition switch went bad on apparently]..."And I know IT HAD HELP!  HE BROKE IN and either shoved something in the ignition or messed with the wires because ..."
_____
[Talking about the neighbor's fiancee that came to see about her lawn mower who is diabetic, in his late 70's and recovering from serious spinal fusion surgery, c-diff and hospital induced pneumonia...]"He is SO BIG and he is totally WHITE HEADED!  I was SHOCKED!"

What makes the difference?  Many folks over the age of 40 are seriously gray, and weight is a shallow way to judge someone [trying to not call her out for being so shaming of someone for aging when she is nearly 81, gray and you name it].  
______
I am missing several other things, it is just out of reach some of the more recent comments she has made that are racist, irrational or just over-the-top paranoid.
______

So- she continues to have no air conditioning, no one will come back to replace her roof, and she continues on her normal, negative trajectory.  

This past weekend I attended my high school reunion.  I decided definitively that I was going the day before the deadline to cancel my hotel for a full refund.  The major reason for the indecision was I am having surgery next Monday, and last week my preoperative mammogram came back not-so-great.  I had to get additional testing on the Thursday before.  Luckily, it came back okay for now, and they will stagger tests so I am being monitored every 3 months for a while.  So all that is happening on Monday is the tumor/cyst/mass removal and removal of the last remaining ovary.  My mother has not asked when my surgery is of late, and I have no intention of telling her.  She will do NOTHING to help, and she will most likely grandstand and make my life (and recovery) absolutely miserable like she did in August of 2013 and July of 2014.  I cannot take it.  Even if she asks, I am not telling her when it is.  I just secured a hotel room near the hospital to keep my friend that is taking (and me!) from having to leave here at 5am or before.  They will not know until they get in me how invasive things will be, and whether I will have to stay past that evening.  With things so up in the air, she will DEFINITELY go to 'worst case scenario' and then I will get to hear about her ovarian cyst rupture and hysterectomy in 1984.  Because everything is a springboard for her to talk about herself.  I will just not call her that weekend and that Monday, and hopefully I can call her and sound somewhat normal on Tuesday.  I hope.  And if I can, I may not tell her until it is long over.  

Sorry, I digress.  Back to the reunion saga.  Now, her chiropractor is a classmate, and informed my mother of the reunion and asked "Is Lisabeth going to visit when she is in?"  To which my mother informed her that she did not know a reunion was happening, I had not told her.  So, after quite a bit of thought, and after my mother's neighbor sent me a picture she had taken secretly, I know why my mother has steadfastly refused to see me since three months to my life threatening issue in 2013.  She is not disabled and mobility challenged as she claims, she is not dangerously frail and thin, and she is now white headed.  If she sees me, all of her house of cards falls.  I had events pretty much all weekend, but I could see her the night I arrived for 2-3 hours, and was going to offer to meet her at 5ish pm and a restaurant of her choosing.  I called at 12 noon as I was leaving, and advised her voice mail that I would be in the car for quite a while, to call me.  Over 2 hours later, she had not called, and I called again and left a message to call me when she got the message.  Torrential downpours and wrecks slowed me down, and by the time I arrived at the historic hotel I had reserved a room at, it was past 6pm.  No word.  I went and got dinner at my favorite local pizza place and just had time to get back to the hotel and shower and change for that night's reunion kick off.  Nothing from her on Friday, nothing on Saturday.  I could have made time for her on Saturday, but I was not chasing her.  I met her neighbor for breakfast (who confirmed she is spry and gets around just fine) and went to a restaurant with some high school friends that ironically, was 2 miles from her home.  I had to drive past her street to get there.  NOTHING.  Now, I know for a fact that when the Chiropractor, Dr. Wednesday told her that, she wrote it in her calendar.  So whether she will admit it or not, she knew that most likely I was on the way the the town I grew up in for the reunion when I left the messages.  

Friday night the chiropractor was there, but I managed to ignore her and did not interact.  I do not need a load of guilt from a 'wonderful stranger' or 'flying monkey', especially when she should not be acknowledging my mother is her patient under the ethics of confidentiality.  I also know that Dr. Wednesday saw me, so she will turn herself inside out to say "Did you and Lisabeth have a nice visit when she was in for the reunion?" the first time my mother is there for her monthly adjustment.  

Sunday, I met a high school friend for lunch, and left my natal state happily.  I had a great time, but I wanted to go back home.  At 5 pm, my phone rang and it was my hoarding mother.  I did not answer, and did not return her call until I walked in my apartment 3 hours later.  She was escalated about her mower not starting because everything is Defcon 1.  She wanted me to order a part from Amazon because she does not use her credit cards online.  Um... NO.  Ironically, I had received a call that morning about one of my cards being fraudulently compromised that morning at the stroke of 8am.  We got off the phone, and today I called her back to tell her to order it from a local store, that I was not ordering on Amazon.  She did not ask about my weekend, how I was feeling, or anything that is going on.  

I have decided to let Dr. Wednesday stir the 'shit cauldron'.  I will deal with my mother's manufactured crisis and other's crises that morning.  We shall deal with whatever she throws at me, when she does.  She did mention she was in the area of my hotel on Sunday.  She has no reason to be in that part of town, so that was strange.  

My best friend of 36 years said her parents saw my mother a few weeks ago and they remarked how well she was getting along and moving around.  I also cannot deal with my mother's interrogation of who was there, what we did (drank... A LOT) and her endless barrage of nosy, intrusive questions.

I am tired.  Just so tired.  Hoarding, no one wins.  No one.

Another episode of 'From the Mouth of a Hoarder"! (FTMOAH)

You simply cannot make this stuff up. 

Well, I guess you could... But that would make you a very twisted poptart, indeed.

Here it is... Today's episode of ...

FROM THE MOUTH OF A HOARDER!
___________________________________
"How much is your car payment?"

Enough.

"How much?"

Plenty.

"I WANT TO KNOW!  I AM CURIOUS! <starts ranting>"

<Sigh> In the $400's.  

[Now, I have refused to tell her how much I paid for my car, and have refused to tell her the payment.  As it was, I did not give her the exact, but I was just so pissed and OVER IT that I popped it out.  Now I will never hear the end of it.  And it is none of her business!]
____________________________________
"Well, you pay so much in rent."

My rent is not all that out of line with the place I have and the amenities I enjoy...

"$2,000 a month is a lot of money!!! I could never..."

Wait- my rent is NO WHERE near $2,000... Where did you get that figure?

"<Sputters incoherently...>"

[I have never told her, not once in the 9 /12 years I have lived where I do what I pay a month.  Again, none of her business!]

"Well, what is your rent then?  You pay out SO MUCH MONEY a month!"

Actually, I live very modestly and well, and I am not discussing this with you.  Next subject...

____________________________________
"... So I called the telenurse and told them that I had not been peeing myself like I do in the night, why I had to get those 'britches' to put in my pants at night since I leak..."

YUK.

"...And she asked how much I pee, then said I was dehydrated or was having kidney issues, and I told her it could not be that since I drink a jug of 8 cups of liquid 1-3 day..."

Yes, you can.  You have no AC and it has been over 90 degrees, and you have lupus so it is possible renal function is changing for you...

"... So I waited until I had to pee this morning and and I peed in a foam cup and GUESS WHAT?"

<<<crickets softly chirping>>>

"It was dark orange!  I have never seen that before!  I would think I would have seen it when I was wiping!"

<<<End Call>>>
_____________________________________

Luckily, she has not asked when my surgery is.  I do not plan on telling her.  I also am going to my HS reunion and I am just buzzing in and out and I do not think I am telling her in advance or while I am there.  I hope the Chiropractor keeps her yap shut.  I suspect she will be there, and will definitely see pictures.  I will cross that bridge when I come to it.  I also have my pre op mammogram, EKG and other testing this week.  It is soon...

Take care, and thanks for reading.

Hoarding.  No one wins.  No one.

July 4th.... Independence Day

A lot to update on since the last entry!  I have been working a lot (shocker) and have been on the road a lot.  Since mid June I have been in Florida twice, New Orleans once, and some other overnight travels that have been a bit more local.  My cats are to the point when they see my tote or my overnight case they get very angry.  I hate being away, but I have a friend who provides them excellent cat sitting services, and they love her.

First, the health stuff.  Lots and lots of testing since early May, and in the past two weeks I have made the nearly 2 hour trek to the nationally acclaimed teaching hospital (NATH for short) 4 times.  I go back tomorrow.  This is what I know at this point.

1. The 'thing' in my pelvis is some sort of tumor attached to a small piece of the fallopian tube that apparently was left on my right ovary that has grown SOMETHING.  We have no reason to believe it is malignant (based on previous history) and in the past year it has not changed in size.  It is unclear if my remaining ovary is involved.
2. I go tomorrow to schedule surgery to remove this mass.  My doctor will have an gynecologic oncologist on call just as a precaution, but she believes it is not going to do anything else.  She also feels strongly that she can get it laproscopically without cutting my mesh incisional hernia repair.  I hope so.  If she cannot, I am going to not allow more invasive surgery unless they see something that it becomes essential.  
3. I will be off work 2 weeks, maybe, and have a recovery of 6 weeks.  
4. I am continuing the discussion that I want the ovary removed.  My doctor is really against that due to family history of osteopenia and osteoporosis and heart disease, but I am just a few years under the age for menopause, and if it is left, I will continue to have a figurative 'sword of Damocles' hanging over my head for the remainder of my life, and I can almost predict it is going to have to come out at some point.

We meet tomorrow, and discuss details and I believe I will be scheduling surgery at that point.  The fact I have had 3 invasive surgeries, much scar tissue, and horrible endometriosis is going to make this challenging.  If they are successful, it will be outpatient and I will go home that day.  I just have to figure out how I am getting there and back.  I also may hire a cleaning service short term.

I had my final follow up with my GI clinic doctor.  I was her last patient on her last day at the NATH.  She is returning to the midwestern state her family is from.  This was a mixed bag.  It appears that I am consistent with a diagnosis of Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, and furthermore, a mentor and colleague of hers is researching a new disease that they will be publishing soon.  EDS is much more than just hypermobility, it has mast cell activation, an auto immune component, GI issues, and for some, a vascular component.  This new thing is apparently 'Super EDS'.  The working name for it right now is 'joint hypermobility, autonomic dysfunction, gastrointestinal cluster syndrome.  (JHADGCS?)  I have more testing, one is a tilt table test (due to my little stunt that landed me in the ER in mid-May) in August that I will need to have someone go with me (I HATE THIS!) and I have nuclear testing in October that is over 4 days. 

My momentary reaction to this once I got in my car?  OH F*^& ME.  Due my own choices and behavior, I am very, very alone on this all.  No one's fault but mine.  The good news is I am glad to have an answer, and I am now in process to see the doctor who is publishing on this.  Not the answer I hoped for, and I guess I have to accept that, like it or not, I am chronically ill with an autoimmune and autonomic disorder.  I will continue to fight this with all I have, do my best to work out, run, push myself that way, eat well, and I have absolutely GOT to get my work/life balance under control, and I have got to get more than 3 to 4 hours of sleep a night.  HAVE TO.  This past weekend I was DOWN.  No energy, slept a lot.  I am still exhausted, but I am coming back up.  

Now, my hoarding mother.  She never asks about how I am feeling, only questions she can boomerang to talk about herself.  I answer things very generally, and am very evasive which makes her angry.  She has said to me again that she wants to know what I have because she is 'sure she has it'.  I did mention that I would be scheduling surgery and she immediately began to talk about her scaly heels and thick toenails.  Alrighty then!  Oy.

My HM has been just horrible  All the same things I have been talking about.  She lives in a self isolated, self encapsulated world where she cannot perceive of any other reality than her perception.  It is so sad.  

In mid-May I got really sick in an upscale restaurant and passed out in the bathroom.  I left the restaurant once I could and drove myself to the emergency room, upsetting and angering quite a few friends.  I again sent the message I did not want to, that I do not want support, that I do not trust people to do right by me.  I know my intent is to not inconvenience people unnecessarily, but I also know that I am going to go through this surgery and its aftermath relatively alone.  Someone will take me and bring me home, but if I have to stay in the hospital any length of time, it will be in a strange city two hours away, so even if someone was able to visit or wanted to stay to keep an eye on things, they would not be able to.  Oh well.  I did almost 4 days mostly alone in 2013, and I did the whole hospitalization in 2014 alone.  I got this.  But I have to do better, and I may need to continue to look at who I have chosen to surround myself with.

Lots of stressors right now.  My job is tough, with financial concerns coming from a contractual impasse that our major funder was involved in.  My board of directors fractured, and I will have a relatively new board and an all new executive committee.  Internal and programmatic challenges abound.  The person I was seeing resurfaced, and I went out with him in late May as a friend, only to be rewarded with being asked to be a 'friend with benefits'.  He has reached out three times more, twice to ask if I want to go X or Y with him, which I suspect means he wants a ride (he does not drive due to a disability) and not sure what his intent was the last time.  Yeah.  NO.  My ex-husband, who I am very close to, has been having a hard time mental health wise, and is in a depressive spiral.  A couple of weeks ago he struck a deer on his new motorcycle, and managed to walk away from it with minor injuries.  Last week I was assaulted leaving a restaurant and got my debit card and credit card stolen (this happened while I was in Florida).  I was headbutted and knocked down 'by accident'.  The side of my head is still sore, but thankfully the headache has receded.  This happened right before I was to return to the airport.  No harm done, just inconvenienced, and I have a sore elbow and shoulder.  It could have been a lot worse, and I think it would have been if I had not sprung up immediately and confronted my attacker.  The past two weeks have been one minor annoyance after another.  I had a bad gig in Florida.  I got rolled.  I had to deal with cancelling my credit and debit card on the road.  I got to my car and the hood was damaged.  I got home and in the flurry of unpacking, I thought I put my brand new suit in the dry cleaner's sack but I did not.  I figured out the next day that I had put my suit jacket through the washer and the dryer.  It did not live.  I ruined my favorite designer handbag with a busted gel ink pen, and had to replace the liner in the console of my car for the same reason.  My cat has had to go to the emergency vet, and as a result of that bill, I will not be taking my Italy vacation, I will be deferring that for a while.  

But you know what?  Despite all this petty stuff, I have a pretty great and calm life, and so much to be grateful for.  Sometimes you are the windshield, sometimes the bug, as the country song says...  But these types of things make me appreciate smooth sailing so much more, and with all the minor stuff lately, I have been able to deal with all of it and it has not been that huge of a deal.  Some time, some money, and for the property damage stuff, at the end of the day, they are only things.  I cherish my time with my 'granny cats' and with the folks that comprise my inner circle.  And all of this stuff tells me that I possibly on the cusp of making some major, and positive changes.  I win, or I learn.  This is where I differ from my hoarding mother.  She would be ruminating on these things, blaming, pontificating, and making small annoyances into huge and overblown deals.  And they are not.  

Onward and upward.  I hope to write more regularly!  Thank you for reading.

Mother's Day 2017

Not my favorite time of year, normally, but today has not been too bad.  I think mainly due to 75+ hour plus weeks at work, plus a bit of consulting have kept me off of social media for the most part, and I have had a lovely day full of friends and food, and a quiet day with my lovely cats.  I have been trying to connect with friends more the past few weeks, and despite the breakneck pace at work I am attempting to make time for what is important.  Despite all the positives, Mother's Day for those with abusive, narcissistic or otherwise emotionally unavailable mothers really is a low point of the year. 

Last week was my 48th birthday.  Usually Mother's Day casts a pall on it as well, but thanks to my friends and those closest to me, I had a wonderful week and did some really fun things.  It was a low key birthday, but I really enjoyed it.  Only two years until 50!  My mother had to point out that I am now at the age my father was when he passed away.  I did make a discovery... My mother has always claimed my father died at age 47.  I found a picture of the gravestone that was taken by a Veteran's organization, and that is not true.  He was 48 and 4 months when he passed.  It has only taken me 28 years to figure that out.  When she mentioned it, I apprised her of that and her response was "whatever".  The next week she made the reference to age 47 again.  Revisionist history?

The week prior to my birthday I was in my home state for the conference I attend every year.  I was sick and recovering from a decent respiratory infection, but I did not let her know I was in state, did not call her, did not attempt to arrange to see her.  When she kept asking where I was for a week, I finally told her.  She dropped the subject and did not ask any questions.  Lesson learned from the prior two years... She has earned that.  She has not seen me since April 2013, and I strongly doubt she will ever see me face to face again.  After all, her response to her neighbor when she asked why she did not see me last year was 'we talk on the phone and that is enough'.  Trust me, it is MORE than enough for me.  Not giving her the opportunity to play power games and feel like she is 'disappointing me' by withholding her presence.  I had a lovely time visiting former coworkers and friends, and returned feeling better than when I left.  I slept well, despite the realization that my home state is very triggering for me.  More on that in a future post...

Just a health update, went back to the nationally acclaimed teaching hospital on Friday, and am starting the testing process to determine the next steps in removing the fluid from my pelvis.  I am a bit concerned it may have increased or my lone remaining ovary is 'cooking' something due to issues similar to 2013... Issues voiding my bladder, GI issues and appetite issues, exhaustion, and the like.  By the first week of July I hope to have a diagnosis from the GI folks, which the gynecologist feels is most likely EDS, and a plan from the gynecologist.  This all started a year ago this week, and it has been a journey, but I feel I am closer to a diagnosis than I ever have been, especially since the life threatening tumor issue in 2013.  

Now... Where my hoarding mother comes into it.  She never asks about how I am doing, etc., and if she does it is merely a springboard to talk about herself.  She asked something about Friday and I told her I was not working, and when she asked I advised her I had a medical appointment.  Her response?  "I need you to tell me when they figure out what is going on with you because I am POSITIVE that is what is wrong with me too!"

Um, REALLY?  Thanks for your concern.  I forgot that it is always ALL ABOUT HER.  (Not really, but...)  She has been really challenging to talk to the past several weeks.  Her new thing to attempt to assail me with is her concerns she has:

1. Had a stroke in the past two years or so, states her memory is affected, but refuses to take her concerns to her doctor.
2. Temporal arteritis (sp?) that could result in blindness.
3. All kinds of random issues from the gross to potentially alarming

Now, the hard thing is to know what is accurate, what is true, and what is merely an extension of her malignant narcissism.  

She continues to demonstrate continued decline.  She has decided that her (hated) neighbor has:

1. Broken into her heavily hoarded three car garage.
2. Stolen two gas cans and the gas from her riding mower.
3. Returned two different gas cans with gas in them.
4. Damaged her seat belt assembly in her 24 year old car.

The list goes on.  She has returned to being extremely judgmental about other folks' appearances... (Forgetting that with only 11 teeth and no dentures or a partial and with her personal hygiene and clothing choices it is unlikely she will be selected for America's Next Top Model any time soon).  Her gossiping and rumor mongering is simply toxic and negative, and she has no concept that although it may be human nature to be curious about something, it is totally inappropriate in most cases to speculate or to ask.  She spends much of her time ruminating, speculating, and investing her time in the museum of petty grudges and misunderstandings.  She is also convinced the other neighbor is damaging her outside lights so the bulbs keep blowing after only a few weeks.

Her boundaries have continued to deteriorate, and she contacted a gentleman that I was friends with/close to 25 years ago or so using her super-stalker skills, and he did come out and do a bit of handyman work.  He has not returned her call or come out since.  She keeps asking questions about him, and I keep responding that I do not know the man any longer, it has been over 20 years.  She has no concept of what was is now no longer.  For her, life is the land that time forgot.  I continue to have her on the extreme low contact plan to help keep my sanity intact.  

I continue to run, and I have not been racing as much.  I have been doing a bit more cross training when my energy levels are low, and I am beginning to map by eating and training plan to ensure I am ready for a 1/2 in later summer and a full marathon in the fall.  I have an obstacle race in October that I need to work on core and upper body strength for.  Burpees are NOT my friend right now!  Running and working out acts as my meditative space, and keeps me sane.  I am battling an IT band issue and an Achilles tendon issue, but I am continuing to train.  I will not be defeated.  

My two dear cats are doing well, and my oldest is now 15, with the other turning 14 in late July.  They are the love of my life.  I am hoping to resume a more normal schedule in a month or so, and I have some interesting opportunities that I hope to finalize by next post.  

Life is complex, busy, and for the most part, altogether wonderful.  I am at a crossroads in several areas, and I expect only the best.  I will not let my hoarding mother's issues frame my experiences.

Hoarding.  No one wins, but I refuse to let it defeat me.  Have a great week everyone!

From the mouth of a hoarder!

Oh MY...  

So, it is time for the next installment of 'From The Mouth Of A Hoarder'...

____
"Do you fart a lot""

Excuse me?  What?

"Do you fart?"

Not having this discussion...

"Well, I ...

<End call button>
____

....[Rambling self absorbed monologue]... "So I started using vitamin E oil on my feet at night and now instead of the skin being crusty and flaking like a snowstorm the skin just rolls up into balls..."

GAH!  <<Retching>>
_____
"You need to tell me whatever they diagnose you with because I am sure I have it too..."

I snorted laughter, and this set her off.  The reason I did was I was talking with a friend at dinner the night before my follow up appointment at the teaching hospital.  In our discussion I had stated that if I was diagnosed with anything, by the end of the week, my hoarding mother would have the worst case of it that medicine has ever seen.
_____

You are welcome.  Enjoy your day!

Life in the 'Adult Child of a Hoarding Parent' Lane... Not quite as catchy as 'Life in the Fast Lane'...

[Referencing the title of this blog...]  Nor as fun.

Sorry it has been so long since my last post.  I did what I do when life gets complicated.  I went to ground.  I am trying to work on that behavior, but I seem to continue to suck spectacularly at it.  With that being said, where we are...

I could blame a lot of the challenges I have been experiencing on work, and that would be only partially true.  Work has been busy with year end stuff, staff turnover/hiring, and expanding the legal center and starting a therapy program that we were just funded for.  Work is expanding and growing, and with that, it is expanding beyond our current capacity and that is PAINFUL.  For all staff, and especially for me.  But I revel in these challenges.  I am still not consulting, and although my discretionary income feels the pinch, I needed to focus on my health and the day job.  

I have things I have got to get done.  Getting my 2015 taxes done (yeah, I know) and basic things.  I have been trying to regain my momentum in preparing for a marathon in November, and that has not been exactly linear.  I may or may not run a 1/2 marathon this coming weekend, and if not, I will run one 2-3 weeks later.  I was doing great, and have had a bit of a GI flare.  My GI consult was rescheduled for October, and now all my records have been secured, and it appears they are thinking Crohn's is the most likely diagnosis.  There are worse things, and I just want answers, and a plan to remove the fluid that is still in my pelvis.  But, overall, I am doing well despite not sleeping.  

My hoarding mother is continuing to be her normal, cruel and malevolent self.  She is to the point where no matter what, she cannot get along with anyone, and cannot get contractor and yard work done.  She is also getting declined all over town as a new patient for primary care physicians.  Word is out in the small Appalachian town she resides in.  Her delusions of persecution and of social status continue.  She continues to have violence ideations, and her 'conversations' with me are little more than a pontification pedestal for whatever she is zealously evangelizing about, in her disturbed and intentionally cruel way.  Every foray into town, every interaction with a neighbor, every phone call devolves into a confrontation and a scorched earth reaction.  

I had the pleasure of going to central Florida in late August for a week to stay with friends.  She has yet to ask about my trip.  I did not talk to her for over a week, and it was absolutely everything I hoped it could be.  My trip was relaxing, and full of fun, boats, airboats, alligators, shopping and the beach in Sarasota, relaxing and running in the sunshine.  It was simply perfect.  My mother has no frame of reference for friendship, nor taking a vacation.  

I have been trying to see my friends more and trying to not completely go to ground, and my dating life has been, um, interesting.  I have been seeing someone since early June, but we have not had the exclusivity conversation yet, and neither of us are ready for that.  So... I am continuing to date.  I have had three dates in less than 24 hours one weekend, and I am going to pull my profile soon.  I have realized that I have such deep, deep trust/intimacy issues that I may need help to broach them.  I am watching someone who would like to have a more physical relationship pull back because I do not know how to let someone love me.  I have several thoughts on this, but I am just so guarded and armored that it will take a while, and in 2016 middle aged dating moves fast.  I have to accept my deficit, and accept the consequences.  I am taking it one day at a time... but I feel pretty sure I have blown this relationship before it has gotten started.  It is really sad, and I seem stuck and unwilling to fix it.  I did mention to my mother I was dating, and she is, of course, overly critical of that.  She was excited I was seeing a doctor briefly, but it became clear he was looking for a wife and a stepmother to his teenage sons.  Um... NO.  Maybe I should stick to cats.

My ex husband, who is a dear friend, is on downward spiral.  He has left his long term life partner, has been off work on medical leave for the past 2 months, and is seemingly on a trajectory similar to the one that happened when he and I ended our marriage in 2008.  Again, not my circus, not my monkeys, but it has reopened some wounds that I thought were healed well and scarred over.  Apparently not.

Speaking of cats, my remaining kitty is doing well since the passing of my baby girl nearly two months ago, but in letting myself grieve and heal, I may have done her a disservice.  She seems more anxious when I am gone, and my Florida trip was hard for her.  It was compounded by the fact she had ended up in the emergency vet the week before, and what looked to be serious (as in putting her to sleep serious) turned out to be easily remedied.  I thought I was going to lose a third kitty girl in barely over 12 months, and it was horrible.  So... I found a Sphinx kitty to rescue, and I meet her tomorrow.  Hopefully she is compatible.  My hoarding mother is totally against me getting a hairless cat.  She has decided they are similar to the Chinese Crested dog, and stated it will die young, will be prone to skin cancer and problems, and all kinds of factually inaccurate information.  She is also against me getting another cat period, apparently... Who knows for what reason.  And I do not care what she thinks.  Not her circus, not her monkeys.  I have a lot of love to give a kitty, and I have always wanted a Sphinx kitty.  And now I have the opportunity.  And for some reason she simply cannot stand it.

She claims she is going to an attorney to put my name on her house.  One, I do not want it, and two, I will believe it when I see it.  I do not want to be on the hook for a 1960's rancher that is a level 5 hoard.  I know I can reject that when the time comes, but OY.  She was also allegedly told she needs a knee replacement.  That will not happen. She will be 80 in December, and I do not see any of this going any easier or any better.  I have connected with a local narcissistic mother group for women, and it has been extremely helpful to connect face to face with others struggling with the same thing.  I also had another 'aha' moment with them when I shared something I considered relatively minor in a self-deprecating, sarcastic and humorous way... I was eating sushi and was looking down, and since there was silence I looked up to 3 faces of varying degrees of horror, anger and compassion.  I have dissociated from the sheer awfulness of my growing up with her that I have no frame of reference it seems.  This is the second time this has happened, and it is shocking to me and strangely validating.  

I did experience intentional and malevolent abuse at the hands of my mother.  

I survived. 

I did not escape unscarred, however.

I will continue to learn, to love, to grow, and to combat my own demons.  

I will live life at full volume.  

This is the direct opposite of my hoarding mother.  Growth is painful.  Self examination can hurt.  But it is worth it in the end, and failure to do so results in merely existing and not living.  My hoarding mother is a shining example of that.

Onward and upward.  Hoarding and narcissism... No one wins.  No one.

I simply cannot win...

I should have known, and it seems that I will keep having the same lesson until I learn...

Long story short, I have been having some health issues, that I have not yet had diagnosed.  They suspected an autoimmune issue, but I have been unconvinced.  In training for my upcoming marathon, I noticed my heart rate has been off, and I struggle to maintain endurance and speed goals that I should be surpassing, but I figured it was whatever was happening, and I now have a follow up appointment in mid June.  I started having dizziness a few weeks ago, and dismissed it as the residual damage from a huge fallopian tube tumor in 2013 that nearly took my life.  I also have had some other similarities to the days leading up to the discovery of this tumor, but I shook it off.

Why?  Because I am obviously stupid.  

So on Sunday May 22 I woke up sick, and it progressed quickly to everything exiting my body in one of two unpleasant routes, sometimes at the same time.  I had 36 hours of pain and vile GI stuff, and by Monday afternoon I was back at work.  Tuesday night I felt pretty good, and Wednesday was a repeat of Sunday, but with a lot of chest, back and lower right abdominal pain.  I finally called the tele nurse, who instructed me to go to the emergency care unit ASAP, she was concerned I might be having a gall bladder attack.  My wonderful friend who brought over groceries on Sunday so I would have the BRAT diet took control and drove me to the hospital.  Long story shorter, I have a small amount of sludge in my gall bladder, but they caught a glimpse of something in the CAT scan.  The ECU doctor thinks it is a softball sized ovarian tumor on my remaining ovary.  The doctor I was to follow up with is trying to determine if it is that, or a bowel tumor or a couple other equally unpleasant options.  Most likely, I will be going under the knife soon.  Very soon.  

My insurance is being a pain, and has slowed things down considerably, along with a couple of mistakes by the doctor I was referred to.  I am hanging in here, but I have good days that are not the best, (weak and a bit of pain) and bad days with nausea and vomiting that come on suddenly, along with passing out.  It is fantastic fun.  

My perspective is, whatever this is, I will deal with it and make the best of it.  Am I pissed that I am most likely now going to miss several goals that I set such as:

1. Running 1,500 miles in under 12 months
2. Running a full marathon this year (26.2 miles)
3. Running an obstacle race in July
4. Running a Spartan in the fall

I will meet these goals, it just may be next Spring and Summer.  I also know that there is a possibility of malignancy if this is a tumor, and that may require more treatment and surgery.  I will cross that bridge when I come to it.  

I decided after a few days that I would tell my hoarding mother so hopefully she would dial back the crazy for a few days... HAH.  

She immediately responded with "Oh no.  Your dad..." and I cut her off.  I am very aware that I am now 47 and my father died in his late 40's, thank you not so very much...

Her next statement was "Are you in pain?" and I replied that yes, I had pain, and I was given major painkillers but I am not taking them.  She then asked if my 'belly' hurt and if it was 'puffy' and then stated she wondered if that was what was wrong with her... blah blah blah.

I ended the call.  A co-worker called that conversation to the tee... Yikes.  So now, I am traversing the medical diagnosis process and trying to keep work balls in the air, and I have not told many folks much since I know so little.  But I am really ready for this to be over, and to move on.  

I am still running 6-7 days a week, albeit a bit less mileage and speed, and I am working shorter days but doing my level best to keep things moving forward.  I am also spending a lot of time with friends, even if they do not know, as I just do not want to stew in my own juices, I choose to spend time with fun, positive and uplifting people.  

Keep your fingers crossed for me.  No one said life would be fair or easy, but it is worth it.  In my opinion, everything that is worthwhile is sometimes a struggle.  I continue to live life at full volume.  I am now planning a trip to southern Italy with friends in 2017, and I will see friends in Florida in late Summer.  

My life, my terms, no compromises.  I refuse to live life on the 'safe side of the street' or 'look at it as opportunity lost' like my hoarding mother.  And I will learn this lesson.  Before it is too late, I will learn and integrate.

Thank you for reading.  I will post an update when I know more.

Easter Sunday- 2016

I am embarrassed that it has been almost 2 months since my last post.  No excuse for it, I have once again allowed my work/life balance to get out of whack, and although much of this is really a one time thing, I realized that I have done what I always do when the situation with my hoarding mother and my narcissistic family erupts, I put my head down and I simply WORK.  And that is what I have done.

Now, in the midst of opening a new program at work, moving our Admin offices to a new location and having multiple grant deadlines and EOQ reporting deadlines looming I am still training for races, so two priorities have emerged... work and running.  And my cats are always a priority!  

Today is the observance of Easter in the US.  Other than a nearly 10 mile run, I have not been off the place, have not worked (or not much anyway!) and have spent a lovely day cuddling with my cats, cooking lovely healthy food and had wine with dinner.  My day has been peaceful.  I have napped in my favorite chair, caught up with emails, and rested as the next week will be a descent into moving and deadline hell.  The thing I have done, however, is use work to shield from friends and have not had a lot of interaction with them.  I have to say that most of my friends understand my chaotic work schedule, and at times, I disappear for a while, but it is simply not fair to them.  And some of them have going through rough times this year, and because I was immersed in work, or dealing with my own issues, I feel I was not the friend I could be.  I will simply HAVE to change that. Must.  

From the family front, I occasionally get a call from my mother's sister, my hoarding aunt who is in the process of decompensating.  She calls to tell me things like the neighbor has cameras and technology in her house and car, and he is playing music to her, and watching her and harassing her, etc.  She claims my narcissistic sister is at the heart of it, and her delusions are on par with her limited and dated understanding of technology.  She has now decided that the psychotic break she had last May was not a medication interaction, but a hologram by this neighbor.  Ugh.  She is called the police constantly, so I am hoping that action will be taken by them to get her into care if she continues to deteriorate.  Like my mother, she has pushed everyone away.  She calls, and blows my phone up by hanging up and calling back tens of hundreds of times if I do not answer, which effectively blocks my phone from any other calls (like work since I am on call 24/7/365) and my response has been to answer and let her pontificate and end the call when I can.  Other than 'hello' and 'I have to go' I do not have to say anything.  Luckily, my narcissister is otherwise occupied, as is my niece so I do not have that level of drama right now, however, I suspect since my birthday is coming up I will hear from them.  

With all of that, my hoarding mother has continued to decline as well, and it is terrifying to watch her and her estranged sister progress down a parallel track of mental illness, paranoia, narcissism, and decompensation.  She is convinced the neighbor is sneaking in, and she too, like her sister, has alienated almost every physician in a small rural area and is now having issues get her prescriptions refilled and is having doctors who are referred refuse her as a patient because of her behavior in the past.  Her ability in creating a revisionist history amazes me, and again, I simply do not know what is true and what is not.

Next month I will be traveling to my home state for a conference, and last April I tried to see her and she declined.  I really have no intention of making an effort to see her this time.  Now, I know I may feel differently... Maybe I should read the entries from the end of April last year and the beginning of May to refresh my memory if I start to waver...  I do not need a helping of misery.  I continue to keep my contact very, very low, as going no contact would kick off a hate campaign of crazy that I do not have the time or energy to deal with right now.  

The other thing that has become apparent to me is I continue to put others first, and I have rescheduled my doctor's appointment to get to the root of the autoimmune issues I am having and the fact that I tried to push on in spite of having Type B Influenza earlier this month (before I knew I had it).  I have also rescheduled an initial appointment with a therapist, but I have the doctor's appointment and the therapist appointment in May.  Last May was a hard month with Mother's Day being so close to my birthday, interference and guilt from 'flying monkeys' of my mother's, and other things.  I was in a very lonely and isolated place a year ago.  I want to be prepared this go around.  

I am doing okay.  I could always do better, and that is what I want to do.  I do not want to get into the mindset of 'good enough' as I see how well that serves dysfunction.  And we all know I have seen plenty of THAT.

Have a great week everyone.  Thank you for reading.  

And there is not a break for the wicked, it seems...

Wow.  That is all I can say at this point.

WOW.

I just hung up from my hoarding mother's equally narcissistic and mentally ill sister, from whom she is totally estranged.  She also is on the hoarding scale, and has much of the same trauma history as my mother, and much of the same co occurring disorders as my mother, mental health and other.  My hoarding aunt had a psychotic break in the later sixties and was hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital for a while.

If you are a regular reader, you might remember some drama between her and my narcisster (my lovely play on words for my half narcissistic sister) in May (about the time of my birthday) where the events culminated in my aunt calling the police for domestic violence on my sister, and ending up in the psychiatric ward of the local hospital.

At Christmas I got a lovely holiday card filled with a crazy rant about my half sister.  I have not initiated contact, and even downloaded the 'silent' ringtone for my smartphone so it does not ring when she calls.

Well, tonight she called.  I was eating a quick dinner prior to a Skype meeting, so I did not answer.  After the meeting, I listened to the message, and realized if I did not call her, she would continue to call, and this was going to be a doozy...

So I girded my loins.  And I called her.  And I said little else other than 'hello' and 'well, I have to go'.

I will spare you the exact quotes, but the high points (low points?) of her communique were:

1. She is hearing faint music at night, near her refrigerator, in her heating ducts, and sometimes outside near the heating air return.
2. She blames my narcissister.  
3. She is convinced she has put something in her house.
4. She is convinced it is a tape player, but one of those newfangled ones that is smaller than a fingernail.
5. She has had an HVAC repair person in to check, but in her opinion he did not believe her, and was too young to do such a job.
6. She also has people stopping in the street to stare into her house at night.
7. She has people running between her house and the house next door and scratching her new windows, slapping the siding, and all kinds of drama.
8. She has gone to Best Buy, and to other electronic purveyors to find out what this is.
9. She has decided it works remotely like a drone, and she knows drones can only operate from 500 yards.
10. She says her psychiatrist is who told her something was planted in the house by my narcissister.
11. She also said the psychiatrist told her that it is possible I escaped the mental health issues my mother and sister have, however most of those show up by 52 or so... [Um really?  Most mental illness shows much earlier... dementia is another story...]

She also told paranoid stories and chattered on for almost 2 hours  I am done.  I have done my time.  No more of this.  

She made sure to slip in her birthday (which I did not acknowledge) and also discussed how she was strapped for money (not touching that one either).  

It would all be funny if it were not so flipping sad.  My hoarding mother hears music when she goes off her psychotropic meds.  She hears orchestra music, and my aunt hears a variety of fundamental church hymn type of music.  They both also hear and feel a 'motor' running.

Hoarding... no one wins.  No one.

Here is another older woman who sits alone due to the choices she has made... estranged from most everyone.

Have a good week everyone.  Thank you for reading.