This struck me as strangely appropo...

It is the little things that mean so much... And I still have much to learn

So this past couple of weeks have been BEYOND busy at work, and I have been burning the candle at both ends.  (I know, I seem to not learn... anyway...)

I was in a play this past week.  It ran for 2 nights, and this is my 8th year in it.  This was my first time doing a spotlight piece, so this was a new part to the play.  A friend who lives 5 hours away, decided to come, and to bring her husband as well.  They drove 5 hours each way for a 2 hour production, and had to drive back right after.  I was so thrilled they were there... It meant a lot to me.  Probably much more than they realize.  What was a spontaneous moment and an experience for them meant so much to me, and I had an 'a-ha' moment today as to WHY it meant so, so much.

I don't expect much from anyone.  My threshold is super, super low.  I learned that growing up in the hoard.  If you do not expect anything, you are seldom disappointed.  And I do not mean in the negative, Eeyore type of way (Winnie the Pooh reference!).  Growing up, very seldom did I have someone present at my events.  Especially after I went to live with my paternal grandmother after being rejected by my hoarding mother.  The list of things are long... They include:

• Winning the Best of Fair and 1st place at the annual high school, regional and state science fairs.  My parents did not come to see me get my trophies nor were present to pose for the pictures in the paper any year.  In fact, I was grounded from participating in the state science fair my sophomore year of high school.  My crime?  I advised my parents I was not seeing well, and was advised it was because I ate like crap.  After several weeks, I made an appointment at Lenscrafters (I had a job and a car) and went, and got contacts.  Many months passed, and neither parent noticed I had contacts.  I dropped one and was looking for it one weekend when I was forced to spend the night at 'home', and the 'secret' was out, and I was 'grounded'.  I was advised that an appointment had been made.  Whatever... it was nearly 6 MONTHS LATER.  No appointment was made.
• Being published in a local magazine for my writing and art in elementary school.  No acknowledgement at all.
• In high school one of my art teachers was very impressed with my acrylic and oil paintings, and wanted to have a show of my work.  No response from my parents.
• I won several scholarships for college, and because of my scores, I had my choice of anywhere.  (Failure was never an option I had... this was my only way out of the hoard as I saw it...)  My parents neglected to send in the paperwork needed for the full ride to school, and later, after dad passed, my hoarding mother demanded every cent that was paid out.  I wrote her a check for $27,000.  This was in the late eighties...
• When I graduated from an esteemed graduate program, no acknowledgement of this from any of my family, or really anyone.  No party, it never occurred to me to arrange one.  No announcements, again for the same reason.  No celebration of it, and I did not walk to accept my degree.  I graduated with honors.  To this day my hoarding mother's only response is to repeatedly ask if it was 'really worth it'.  
• Any professional honor I have had, I have not ever had any recognition of.
• In 2007 when I had a hysterectomy, my hoarding mother did not visit, and this past summer when I had emergency surgery and things looked very, very dire... she did not come.
• I also self isolated and did not allow folks to come help me, and just could not ask at some level...despite lessons learned previously... during my most recent hospitalization and for a few weeks post surgery.  I went through some pretty rough hours, days, and weeks... solo.  Because it seriously did not occur to me it should be any other way.  
• In 2008 when my second marriage crashed horribly with major collateral damage, no visits, etc.  My mother has never visited me in the 15 years I have lived in an adjoining state, not once.  She only came to my home 2 hours away in the same state the week I was leaving for here, and that was to pick up anything I was not taking with me.

I could go on ad nauseum, and honestly, in the scheme of things, none of these are large deals.  But my friend and her husband coming?  That was HUGE... to me.

Again, more for me to ponder.  I do not want to walk this earth holding folks at an arm's length.  I am always shocked when folks refer to me as 'reserved' or 'private'... or any other way or referring to the fact that I largely seem to keep my own counsel.  

I still have a lot to learn.  Trust.  Vulnerability.  Intimacy.  Maybe I will get it right... it is sad it has taken me almost 45 years to 'get it'.  Now that I see it, I have to take action to change it.  That is not as easy as it would seem.  But I am determined to keep evolving for the better.  

I have a perfect example in my hoarding mother as to what happens when you do not.

Goodnight all... thank you for reading!

Do NOT ask questions you do not want answers to, Mother Dearest...

So my mother's gross obsession with sensationalized 'reality tv' and 'vigilantism' continues.

She was watching some sort of show on folks who were bullied as children or teens and who got the last laugh as adults through intentional machinations or rubbing their success in the face of their former bullies.  Again, I am someone who does not own a TV, and has not watched a TV show in 3 or 4 years.  I advised her that I was simply not interested in that type of stuff, and she launches into the story of a young woman who was bullied because of her skin, found a mentor and the right makeup and skin care regimen, and became a model.  She later snubbed all who made her feel bad as a teen.  Mother was positively CROWING with laughter and vindictive glee, focusing on a statement this woman made that if she was not good enough to be good to when she was younger, now that she is beau coup successful that she does not have time for them now.

My mistake?  Attempting to impart another perspective.  I advised her that I had folks contact me to friend me on Facebook that were bullies to me, and that some apologized and were very sorry for the way they treated me.  I do believe that hurt people, hurt people... and I also believe that people evolve from the children or adolescents they once were.  My hoarding mother cannot discern that people are not single natured...  But that is another blog for another day...

She was immediately in 400,568,231 question-interrogation-mode.  Why...this was the first she ever heard that I was bullied in elementary school and junior high!  She smugly stated, "I think it was because you were an only child... don't you?"  NO, MOTHER.  It was not.  "Well why then?"  Because I was different.  "Different?  HOW?  Why, we..."  I cut her off and ended the call rather abruptly.  I am NOT listening to any more revisionist history.  I hope for her sake that she DROPS THIS.  If she pushes it, she will hear 'why'.

I was bullied in elementary school and in the first two years of junior high because I was different.  I was different because:

• I was vulnerable, and had a fragile vibe that predators lock in on.  
• Her ridiculously scorched-earth behavior to neighbors, to teachers, to other parents.  I was never trusted to find my own solutions or to use processes that were in place.
• The lack of otherization that many hoarding parents engage in.  During my entire 2nd grade year she dressed me like Shirley Temple.  It was 1977.  I would go to the bathroom and wet my hair and comb it straight, and try to do something with my clothes.  I failed miserably.
• I could not have kids over to my place, go to their houses, or have any sort of interaction after school when I lived at home.  No parties, no sleepovers, and no phone calls that were not monitored directly, and I was never allowed to give out my phone number... I had to do all the calling.  It was like being in a gulag.  The Grey Family Gulag.  And I was in solitary... A lot.
• I was awkward, geeky, and read voraciously.  In early elementary I was skipped ahead for many classes, and that was NOT ENDEARING.  
• She was super intrusive and had no concept of the reciprocal nature of friendship, so it took me a while to figure out that friendship is not transactional.
• I was forced to dress like I was in 1935 in the 70's, when kids are desperately trying to fit in.  I was not allowed to wear shorts ever, and certainly not to school.  She tried to ensure that I never used curling irons (brush rollers or foam rollers, and a bath once a week whether I needed it or not).  I smelled funny.  
• I was constantly switching classes or schools because of her behavior, and I went out of district most of the time.
• I walked on eggshells all the time due to the off the hook, sadistic, batshit crazy behavior I endured from her (and beatings).  I was never at ease, anywhere, with anyone.
• I was not encouraged to be athletic, physical, or to participate in team sports.  In fact, she did everything humanly possible to ensure that I was not in gym class.  When I was, she made me wear her old gym suits from junior high and high school in the late 40s early 50s.  That went over well... in 1980...

I could go on and on, but I think you have a snippet.  And at nearly 45 years old, these things do not haunt me.  They are part of what makes me the person I am today, and it is what it is.  I am thankful for her rejection at age 10 that led me to being at my father's mother's home most of the time, and allowed me to have a more normal experience, friends, and showers once or twice a day... or as long and as many times as I wanted.  And I could ride a bicycle on the street!  <Oh>

But, for me, where it is an issue is I refuse to allow her to whitewash/invalidate/revise history to suit her purposes and to relieve her of any responsibility she might have in these situations.  If she is wise, she will not pick too much at this.  It is like the fact that I have little memory before age 7 or 8 or so, and whole 'the crazy ends with me' thing and not wanting children.  Due to her continuing narcissism, we have mapped three areas that are 'no-fly zones' with me.  And if she continues her efforts to traverse these areas, she will not like the enamored and offensive tactical response she will receive.  

Thank you for reading.  I hope to have more humorous material for you soon.

Hoarding... no one wins.  No one.

101th Post and the 100th... Yes, it is 'From the mouth of a hoarder' time!

My apologies for such a long absence!  Nearly 3 weeks since my last post.  I did not realize it at the time, but the last post was number 100... and serendipitously... my blog (rant) was about her obsession with POO.  And talking about it, despite efforts to maintain boundaries with her.

She has continued her out-there-comments and assumptions, and below is a compilation of the most recent.

Without further ado... ENJOY!
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"[In reference to the feral cats she feeds and waters...] Would you believe the water bowl FROZE SOLID?  I guess if the little animals are thirsty they can just lick snow, right?  That IS what they do, right?  Just lick snow?"

"I was told that even though I do not have THE INTERNET {emphasis mine} I can still get information and stuff from my computer.  Is that true?"

"I guess I did not need two separate cell phones to keep one charged all the time for the car.  I changed my plan and my other phone was supposed to be no good after midnight on the 12th, but I waited a few days and called it to make sure that nothing sneaky was happening."

"[After lots and lots of snow during a recent snowstorm] Well, it is 2pm and still no paper.  That is ridiculous.  The TV does not show anything but crap and now no paper?  I am now not connected to any news at all!"

"[Speaking of the neighbor behind her that has resumed dating and has a live in boyfriend] ... How long is it before you can 'draw' against a spouse's Social Security Benefits?  Ten, eleven years?  She better hurry up and marry him, he has worked all his life and put away some money and would leave her a nice income."

"I just noticed on that guy's RV thing, that all the windows are tinted except the front windows.  I first thought someone had broken out the windows.  Why would they tint the back windows but not the front ones?"
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She has also been a broken record on:

• Her concerns for a hoarding acquaintance who has dementia...
• "She could forget to feed her dog or it could get away from her and die!  That poor little thing!  I know how it is to have no one to help you or see about you..."
• "She is going to die, or someone is going to take advantage of her.  And that daughter?  She does not deserve anything when she dies!
• Commenting on her neighbor's live in boyfriend...
• "He has been complaining of not feeling well and his stomach hurts.  Why... I bet he has cancer!"
• "He seems to have a lot of money to throw around.  Wonder what [his pension and job]pays?
• Commenting on various neighbors offering to take her to the store since the hoard-mobile is snowed in the garage and she has been unable to leave the place for nearly two weeks.  She makes a big kerfluffle of them calling, speculates on motivation, and refuses their assistance, then wails to me that she is running out of pet food, food, and medicine.
• She finally called the Area Office on Aging and got a ride to Walmart.  
• She now has a new wonderful stranger that was appalled she is on her own the way she is.
• She has been fixated on any child maltreatment case in the news, and has been simply ruminating and obsessed on the death of Phillip Seymour Hoffman and the death of Shirley Temple Black.
• She keeps asking weird and random questions about the protocols of the place that I work and the types of clients we serve, and gets annoyed when I will not engage.
• Obsessing about the weather.  EVERY OTHER BREATH IS A COMPLAINT.  No one is really all that thrilled right now, but complaining does not do any good as far as I can tell...

The bulk of her verbal diarrhea is complaining about how she cannot get out and do what she needs, railing about all the injustices she has been dealt in her life, complaining about her health, and refusing for a second to be part of her own solution... and attempting to be an 'askhole' and keep asking the same detailed questions on the same topics that she has no intention of acting on.

Calling her is painful.  And again, this is not going to end well.  It cannot.

Hope something here made you laugh a bit.  Have a great weekend!

A momentary bit o'rant

Just passing through to say....

ARGH!  She just called me as I am working offsite at a coffee shop.  She apparently discovered the joys of Miralax... 

Yup.  Despite all my boundaries, she called me during a business day, while I am in a public place... to talk about a laxative.  To talk about her elimination... or lack there of...

GAH!  I just hung up.

Seriously?  What is with this woman's obsession with poo?

<Muttering to myself...>

She continues to get worse. How far is rock bottom for someone who hoards?

It used to be that with my hoarding mother, she would take a decline, then plateau.  

She is no longer plateauing.  She is steadily getting worse.  I have said it before, but this continues to get worse and worse... and it will NOT end well.  It simply cannot.

I have continued to keep contact to just a handful of times a week.  This is not popular with her, and I am sure I am the scourge of her 'wonderful strangers' but it is what it is.  I realized many, many years ago that you cannot help someone who will not let you, and you cannot let them take you with them to rock bottom.

Yesterday I was a glutton for punishment... I called her enroute to work.  She was off and running, using every topic as an excuse to give folks that have been either out of her life or dead for 30 years hell.  She has no ability to see anything outside a 'singular nature' so if you hit her crap list, she will go back and ruminate over every single interaction and reframe it from a place of malice and intent.  So someone is either good, or totally evil/malevolent/stupid... there is little in between.  As I approached work, she asked suddenly and apropos to absolutely NOTHING she had discussed up to that point...  "What happened to you going to law school?  I thought you were going to do that and you have not mentioned anything else about it and you have never started school."  

SAY WHAT?  Seriously?  I laid out the deal for her.

• That was something I considered between 12-15 years ago.  YEARS!!!!  Not recently!  I was in grad school from 2001-2003, and while I was picking my program, I contemplated various options, and selected Nonprofit Management.  She continuously asks if it was 'worth it'.  Ugh.  
• At the point I was nearing graduation from grad school, I contemplated 3 options.  
• A PhD in Social Work
• Getting my JD
• Getting a Masters in Nursing (for Admin)... And what happened was I applied to different programs, was accepted to various schools, and decided that the PhD route was the one I was going to go.  I was supposed to start 6 days after I ended my final quad of my Master's Program.  I simply was DONE, and pulled out.
• I simply do not have the time to be in school
• At the age of nearly 45, spending another 2-5 years in school is not something I consider a good ROI (return on investment).  
• Student loans now SUCK... and I would have to finance whatever I would do heavily.

I told her pretty much like I have detailed it here.  I got a weak 'Oh' in response, and then she started in on how much money I could make if I were an attorney... That is the base of it.  She has no knowledge of my financial situation AT ALL, but she makes assumptions.  And I am not measuring up.  Her messages to me as an adult child are as conflicted and MESSED UP as they were when I was a child.  And what it boils down to... I am not doing something she finds acceptable.  TOO BAD!  Last time I checked, she is not me...  I got off the phone, and went to work.  Before hanging up she insisted I call her that evening because she had something important to tell me.  I grudgingly agreed.

Later that evening, I call her on my way home.  She started with "well he has been in the house again!  And while I was here!".  'He' is the neighbor in the turn, now her closest neighbor on that side. 

I will spare you the long version, but she asserted the following:

• That she knew he had been in there because she put 'something' in a specific place AND IT WAS MOVED!
• She found footprints in the snow in her yard and on her porch... and they were men's footprints, and went that way.
• She called the sheriff and they would not come out, but she told them he was driving on a suspended, and the whole crazy story.... ugh...
• She talked to this said deputy about getting a double lock cylinder deadbolt and having it put at the top of the door frame.  Like over her head.  WTH?  He tried to talk her out of it, and she will not listen to reason.  She crowed "I asked him what did it matter if I could not get out quickly in an emergency if he can come in and kill me in my own home?  He did not have an answer for that!"  I advised her that I would take my chances with an intruder before I would do something like that which would almost guarantee she would not get out in a fire.  She immediately began to argue that she does not get shaken up, yadda, yadda and it would not be a problem.  
• She is now accusing the hated neighbor of being an arsonist- she is basing this on:
• A neighbor's trailer burning in 1974
• Two storage sheds burning in the late 70's early 80's time span
• The neighbor's house burning 1 or 2 years ago

SERIOUSLY?  In 40 years 4 fires, all investigated by the Fire Marshall, and one was electrical, one was paint and gasoline left in the building improperly stored in a record heat wave, one was undetermined, and the neighbor's house was electrical.  Oh yes... and an apartment that the hated neighbor resided in caught on fire.  He and his infant daughter and wife just made it out in the middle of winter in bare feet, and it was after a bad motorcycle accident that nearly robbed him of his ability to walk twenty, thirty years ago.  A neighbor upstairs fell asleep with a cigarette.  <Sigh>  That is quite a damning pattern around him, eh?

She started whispering that she found cigarette butts in cut grass that was 'piled' against the house.

She is absolutely toxic in her bitterness, rumination, and paranoia.  

Hoarding... no one wins.  

Thanks for reading... Stay warm and safe if you are in the path of the 'polar vortices' and inclement weather.

Yep. It is that time. It is 'From the Mouth of a Hoarder' Time!

Happy 2014 to all!  Been a bit intense lately, so I thought I would do another installment of FTMOAH.

Those who read my last blog know that my hoarding mother called me at work to essentially insult me.  That seems to be her new attempt at a strategy since the others are not getting her any traction.  She seems to be trying to take this strategy to another level and trying to be subtle in the most passive aggressive, narcissistic way possible is her new angle on trying to get under my skin.  Honestly... all I can do is laugh after I end the call.
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This group of statements are all things she and I have discussed many times over the past days, weeks, months... years... you get the picture.  Of course, when I say it, she refuses to understand, get it, and asks the same question 401,204 times.  She hears it from someone in a waiting room, at Walmart, on Dr. Oz, etc. and it is the new gospel that she needs to educate me on!  Ai yi yi...

"Did you know that they do not routinely remove appendixes anymore during abdominal surgery?  Apparently they do have a function and are not useless like I thought!  I thought they just did that, but they don't!  You might still have yours..."  (I do.)

"Dr. Oz says artificial sweeteners actually cause weight gain even though they have no calories!  And they can be harmful!  That is so scary!" (Never mind Aspartame gives me thunderclap migraines and Splenda put me into stage 2 renal failure...)

"Did you know that the stuff they put on fruits and vegetables is so harmful?" (No.  That is why I buy locally grown, organic vegetables and fruits...)  

"Do you know that hearing aids don't cure all hearing loss?  Supposedly if you have not heard a certain level or consonants for a number of years your brain 'forgets' how to hook that all together.  Think that is why I have such a hard time hearing people?  But young people and women TALK SO FAST!"

There are many more, but you get the idea.  And she is just flabbergasted when I apprise her this is not a news flash.  And that we have discussed these things before.  
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She also continues to walk down the aisle of "I cannot see anything other than my own weird assumptions and my own perspective".  Things of late that have been conversation stoppers...

"I cannot understand with having a military pension and being retired from the police they do not have any money."

"Do they still not bury people when it is so cold?  When I was a little girl the neighbor girl died and they brought the coffin home and it sat in their living room until warmer weather.  It started to smell really bad..."

"When the bank sends something to someone ON THE INTERNET [emphasis mine... but she says it the same dramatic way each time] can everyone see it?  Or just the person the send it to?"

"[Asking about one of my friends abruptly] does that job pay well?  They always seem to be travelling or doing SOMETHING."

"There were people next door stomping around.  I think they are going to bring a trailer in.  A TRAILER!  Like we need that to bring down property values here!" (Um... actually, living next to YOU will bring down their property value...)

"I have been reusing my newspaper bags/sleeves.  I cover my feet in lotion and put the bags on to sleep.  It is working!  My feet are no longer sharp and cut my socks with the crust around my heels." (Retching... sorry... if I get to hear it, I feel I must share the joy!)
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There is much more.  I need to use my voice memo to keep track of it all, as this kind of stuff has become so commonplace that it is hard to keep track of.  And she is getting worse.  All I can do is keep to my plan of keeping contact short and only a few times a week.

Hoarding... no one wins.  NO ONE.  Have a good evening and thanks for reading.