What next?

This is been an 'interesting' week with my hoarding mother.  And by interesting, I mean the same old crap at an increased intensity.  I am simply running out of band width to deal with her attention seeking behavior.

I had a funder meeting that took me out of the office for 2 1/2 days with subcommittees and the like, and things are really busy and stressful at the office.  Elderly kitty that had the stroke 2 weeks ago is hanging in there, but requires medication, medical management, and a more constant surveillance of her behavior and health than even before.  And she is very clingy, and the other cat's behavior is impacted too.  Each time I think that I am done with the impact of an elbow injury in mid February, it wants to flare again.  Life is life, but my hoarding mother knows that things are really, really challenging, including my insomnia is back with a vengeance.  What does she do?  Hype EVERYTHING into high drama.  

The final day of the meetings, she called.  Now, since I have been doing extremely low contact and 'grey rocking' her, she is calling about mundane things that she considers an emergency or needs an immediate response.  And she will blow up my cell phone (which I use for business and I am on call 24/7) and if I do not respond, she will call my office or the housing facility that my organization runs that has a 24 hour hotline.  She called Friday, and was ranting that 'someone' needed to take the hated neighbor out, he has been in her house, he has stolen the fuse box out of her detached garage (but the garage door opener and outside lights work) and he has done something in her house so only partial lighting in the central hallway works.  She is also allegedly:

1. Arguing with the cable company, so does not have a box that works so no TV.  If the electrical system is in the house is truly wonky...?
2. Arguing with the paper delivery folks as to how they roll the paper when they put it in her box.  She is cancelling it.
3. She has had to have the gas company out last week to shut off the hot water tank (so no gas in the house if that is true).
4. She had the water company out this week because the tub was leaking and she claims that she now does not have water.
5. She still states she has groundwater leaking in her basement.
6. She is churning, churning, churning the hoard.  She has found papers from 1989, and a computer, etc. from 2005/2006 that she has never used and keeps torturing me with questions about... "Can [this] be used?  What about [this]?  There is a disk for free internet from AOL!" ::Sigh::

So she is really in a Level 5 hoard.  Goat trails, stuff stacked to the ceiling,  no electricity in part of the house, no hot water, and now, no water.  Her furnace is not working, and her AC quit last summer.  She has C Diff, and is wearing adult continence diapers. I am sure she is 'bucket' flushing, but that will not work long term.  Sorry, I keep diverting.  The call on Friday... She was ranting that the neighbor has 'been in her house' and it is only 'a matter of time before he kills her' and he has 'put some listening device in her house so her can monitor her.'

I got off the phone and called Adult Protective Services.  I identified myself, her, gave a succinct background and cause for concern.  My hoarding mother's state is a 'duty to warn' state under Tarasoff, and I retain a social work license in that state.  I have been the petitioner to have clients, adult and child, involuntarily committed when they were a imminent, identifiable risk to self and others, and have the means and the lethality to do it.  They refused to help, even when I spoke to a director and also the Mental Hygiene lawmaster.  I called the police chief in her town, someone I went to high school with and is well acquainted with her.  He could have an officer do a wellness check, but since her property has locks on the gates, etc. he cannot trespass, and he will not put an officer at risk since she has a concealed carry, and several semi automatic weapons with clips and laser sights.  He understood and shared my concern.  

I struck out. Going there will do nothing, especially if she will not let me in, and I left one vulnerable cat that I almost lost in 2010 to deal with her manufactured drama, and I just cannot due to the cat, work, my health, and my mental health.  Her neighbor and the police chief warned the 'hated neighbor' and I have done all I can do.  She called later, and she was on an even keel again.  

This is not going to end well.  My concern is that she will confront and provoke an altercation with the neighbor, and shoot him under the 'stand your ground' law in her state.

I will keep pushing for intervention.  That is all I can do.  Thanks for reading.

More paranoia... Ai yi yi

Forgot some of the other fodder for the most recent "From the Mouth of a Hoarder' in the last entry.  How could I forget these things?  Because she is continuing to go off the delusional rails to use a train wreck analogy.

The things I forgot to mention in my previous post include:

• Her insisting that someone hit her 24 year old import station wagon.  Of course there was no evidence of this, other than her passenger side rear wheel liner fell.  The car is OLD.  And having worked in dealerships and auto body in my past life, there are many organic reasons they fall.  She went off the deep end, called the police, demanded the 'cameras' in the parking lot be reviewed, and otherwise made an absolute nuisance of herself.  She stopped by a garage that a stranger recommended since she was regaling a doctor's office with this last bit of indignity, and as I suspected.  It took a couple of washers, a couple of larger bore screws and it was fixed.  The garage did not charge her.  She was almost sulky that it was so easily remedied and is still angry at the store and at the police for not looking at the video surveillance.  
• Despite her neighbor giving me the heads up that she let my mother know that the 'hated neighbor in the turn' has his house advertised on a social media group and that my mother demanding she come show her on (the neighbor's) phone, my stated the neighbor 'rushed over to show her' and got angry when I indicated that I did not care if the house was for sale, for how much, and what it looked like- that I would not join this group and look at it, and I kept shutting down the conversation in which she accused him of damaging all but one storm door in what she says, is an effort to kill her.  She accuses him of setting at least 4 fires over the past 40 years, so therefore he is going to burn her up in her house after he kicks in the final storm door.  Nevermind that all three 'exits' are already blocked by a stage 5 hoard.  
• She still says he is 'coming in the house'... References putting 'snake poop' in her basement, loosening the bulb over the washer, stealing her stalking log, and picking her locks so all her door knobs are scratched.  Oh, and cutting her 20 year old screens on her screened in porch.
• She disconnected her landline, and tried to port her number over to a basic flip phone.  She cancelled that phone after 3 days 'because they cannot do anything right' and could not add a second line to the cell phone.  Um... Google Talk anyone?
• She is going to the competitor today to get the phone...
• She also has a cat that is only peeing a small amount, so she has decided since the kitty is inactive, 12 years old, and obese, she will have her put to sleep.  I was absolutely livid, but who knows what is true.

So, that is most of the forgotten FTMOAH.  

Um... Enjoy?  And not once has she asked how I am doing or feeling, and I am actually glad.

I am leaving for my friend's -who just was released from the hospital yesterday- tomorrow, and I will be inaccessible to her for at least 3-4 days.  Thank goodness.

Thank you for reading.  Hoarding... No one wins.  No one.

The Angry Sound of Silence

As I write this, I am listening to Disturbed's version of 'The Sound of Silence' on repeat.  Fitting for this week, and the latest with my hoarding mother.  You can listen to this for yourself here.  

It has been a bit since I last posted, so a bit of catch up.  My burgeoning relationship ended, not with a bang, but a whimper.  And I am not sad... Just sad at the perception of the loss of something.  All I will say is when someone states that they are a covert narcissist, believe them and run, do not walk, away.  Which I did, and I am probably all-to-good at doing.  I am not going to be treated as someone's toy whatever that they have on a shelf until they are ready to take me down and interact with me.  I deserve so much more than that.  And if someone is not able to swim a moat and fight a few alligators to earn my trust, than so be it.  I, again, realize that I am very complete and happy on my own.

Healthwise I have a new appointment at the clinic, and this is now for early January.  This is not great, since the original auto immune issue first raised its head in early November of last year, but I am closer than I have ever been.  It is what it is.  If this is Crohns, I am in a full blown flare right now.  It has been wretched, and it appears I may have had a mild case of the flu or a really bad cold last week.  I am on the mend, and I ran my first 5K since last December.  My time was respectable for me, and it was a HILLY course.  Today was supposed to be my first marathon, but I will continue training and plan for the spring.  I realize I must get a grasp on what is happening with my health before I really can push how I need to in order to do this.  Goal deferred, not denied.  I will do it before I am 50.  There is no 'try', there is only 'do'.  For me, what the mind plans, the body follows.  

One of the most divisive and ugly Presidential elections occurred this month.  And I have been in a walking state of disbelief and grief over the increase in hate acts and negativity.  

Work has been stressful, with me working way too much, and socializing, sleeping, and spending time with my precious cats way too little.  A 12 hour day is the norm.  

This all sets the stage for my mother.  In 2010 she was bitten by one of her pet cats and ended up in emergency surgery to save her hand and her life.  That was the last time I was in her home.  She later revised the story to she was digging in the garden, but who knows what the truth is.  And it was a truly horrible experience for yours truly.  One I will not repeat.  Well... She did.  Allegedly, last Thursday she did what appears to be an almost exact replay.  On Saturday afternoon while I am on a run I get a call from a nearby town to my hoarding mother, and I (correctly) guessed it was from her. I called her Friday afternoon and she was telling me how she did not know if she would survive a situation she found herself in, the whole high drama thing. The upshot is, she was screwing around in old wood, etc. that has been piled outside her hell-hole for 10 years or better late Thursday night (because this is what every immune suppressed, frail, walks-with-a-cane hoarder of nearly 80 years old does, DUH!) and said something stuck her finger, and she bled profusely. She went in, cleaned it out with H2O2 and used a leftover antibiotic cream, it got worse in a hurry, She disregarded the advice of the AARP tele-nurse she called to go to the emergency care unit, and instead waited until the next day to go to a local urgent care walk in clinic, where, of course, she did not tell them the entire story and was woefully undertreated. She was complaining of the 'worst pain in her life' and other types of drama. I suspected a spider bite, or a snake bite. She immediately poo-poohed that, and we ended the call.

Back to the call today. I headed out for a mid-range to longer run and my phone rings. Through deductive reasoning, I was correct she was in the ECU and was being kept for treatment. Of course, she kept hanging up on me, then got pissed when I could not take her number as I was on a run and was about 3 miles from home in cornfields. After about 10 calls for a duration of a minute, all I know is she is being kept, and she does not want me to come. Good thing, because I am not. It was 2 1/2 hours later, before I heard anything other than she gave me a direct number to call her back, and it was not a good number.  She stated her cell phone was out of battery power and she did not have a charger, and I had to call back on the cell and she did give me a room number so I could call the main number and be connected.  She will not ask for the direct number.  

I was bad and went out to dinner with a friend and she called multiple times, and kept complaining.  I told her I would call her later when I returned home.  I did so, and she was angry that she had been in the room for blah-blah time and had not seen anyone, and the upshot was, everyone was supposed to drop everything at this hospital and attend to her.  She was threatening to leave and drive herself to hospitals 45 and 60 minutes away and going over the ridiculous top as she does.  She also was freaking out about stupid things, and some legitimate things, but all were a 'CAPITAL-E-EMERGENCY'.  Things like:

• She had not eaten since Thursday night.
• The 5 cats were in the bathroom and would have no food for however long, but do have water.
• Her outdoor cats would not be fed.
• No outside lights are on, so the neighbor hood thieves will break in, and she left her credit card on the counter! Horrors!  (In the stage 5 hoard... cough cough)
• The paper will be delivered, further advertising she is not there!
• Her car is in the Emergency Room lot.

And the list goes on.  My heart is with her cats, but she refuses any option to get someone in the house.  One cat takes heart meds and glaucoma meds.  

I am PISSED. She knows I am flying to FL to see friends for Thanksgiving, and that work has been killing me, I have a health issue I am trying to get to the bottom of (likelihood of Crohn's plus a large amount of fluid in my pelvis).

I am just fed up. And feeling less than empathetic. And I know in my home area in Appalachia, I am going to be the asshole no matter what, so let me be it.  Late last night she called and stated that she was having surgery this morning, but again gave me no ability to call in.  I waited until 12:30 pm and called her room, and she was back and furious.  They had not put her out but had done a nerve block, her arm was still 'dead', she had not eaten, and she was throwing a fit on multiple levels and doing nothing to be part of her solution.  Worse, she kept saying 'someone has come in, call me back in 2 minutes or so' and after about 4 times of this, I did not call her back.

I did try to check on her at 8pm, but she did not answer.  I will try again in the morning, but I am truly close to the end of my endurance.  She has not made any plans for her, her safety, her cats, their well being, and although I am sure her phone was not intentional (unless she is not telling the truth about the charge level, which is possible) she does everything to get in her own way.

Sorry for the long rant.  I am so beaten down by this.  It is just a matter of time before she starts ravaging me, and I predict if and when she does, it will be for the last time.  I simply am done.  And this is not going to end well.  And the other piece?  I have grants due TOMORROW that I have not worked on due to the constant interruptions and the low level of focus and bandwidth I have.

Thank goodness for my precious kitties, and my friends.  This too will pass, but my patience is wearing thin.  As I have said... Her trauma history is not her fault.  Her mental illness, not her fault.  Her intentional cruelty and manipulation, her refusal to be part of her own solution, even part way, THAT is what I hold her accountable for.

Good night all.  Onward and upward.  I hope.

A call I have been dreading...

Oh ye gods.  I got a phone call I have been dreading.  Nothing imminent for my hoarding mother, but still a call no one wants to get.

My hoarding mother's neighbor called me today.  Asked if I have spoken to my mother recently, and proceeded to tell me that she has concerns regarding my mother's deteriorating mental health, outlook, and has concerns that she may be in early stage dementia.  My mother will be... 78?  79?  For the sake of conversation let's say 79 on Christmas Day.  

I have noticed the decline, the increase in revisionist history, and what seems to be increasing forgetfulness in our 3 or so phone calls a week.  

I also know that there is nothing that I can, or she will allow me to do, that will help this situation.  It is simply heartbreaking.

The neighbor stated, "I hate to say this, but it would be easier on you, on her, on EVERYONE if she just drops over dead rather than requiring placement in a facility for care."  

No pressure.  Ugh.  I cannot do anything, and I will not be sucked into this.  Unfortunately my mother made many decisions years ago that will adversely impact her now.  Decisions like:

• Driving everyone away who has ever cared about her or tried to help
• Isolating herself behind a level 5 hoard and time after time, choosing the stuff and her need for power and control over addressing her issues
• Using me for narcissistic supply if I would allow her to- she sees me only as an extension of herself, not as the individual with rights and feelings that I am

Sorry for such a downer after my happy blog...  Onward I go.  I choose to protect myself, and to ensure my quality of life is what I deserve.  I cannot want it more than she wants it for herself, and I cannot fix this for her.

Thanks for reading.

Yep. I just had to call this morning. Update to yesterday's post.

Oh. Dear. God.

For a moment there, I apparently forgot that the universe revolves around my hoarding mother.  How dare I forget that!

In my 9/1/2014 post I blogged about her inability to get out of her own way to deal with a minor car accident involving a deer.

Also, this weekend was a holiday, a 3 day weekend for me since it was Labor Day.  A lovely weekend spent with friends, good food, and running/training for a half marathon.  I ran a total of 21 1/2 miles in three days, and 9.5 of that was yesterday.  Where this is relevant is my iPhone 5 picked mile 7.5 to die.  And it really died, not just ran out of battery power.  I took a slightly shorter way home, and found it would not charge.  After a quick shower I took the phone to the phone carrier's store in the local mall, and they confirmed that it was done for. 

"He's dead, Jim!"  <Sorry for the Star Trek reference.>

Anyway, I was incommunicado from 12 noon until after 6:30pm, and I broke out my little back up TracPhone.  No data, no hotspot, and since it is a flip phone, I am NOT texting.  My new phone arrives Wednesday.

So this morning I checked my iPhone VM remotely.  I had a rather pissy sounding message from my mother just dripping with condescension.  "Lisabeth, I know you have company this weekend but I need 5 minutes of your time- I have a question that needs an immediate answer.  Call me when you get this."  She called at 6:20pm, and I retrieved it at 7am when I came back in from my run/workout.  

I called her on my way in to work.  She was PISSED when she answered the phone.  I explained my phone was dead, and asked her what she needed.  She began to go off on how she will never ask the acquaintance with a husband with late stage Alzheimer's for anything again, and she is not helping her again, and how the neighbor down back (the one I spoke to on Friday who did not know about the deer strike) told her that she was busy and was leaving to go out of town that weekend (when she talked to her and DID NOT TELL HER she did not have her car).  So we are firmly within the halls of petty grudges and overblown misunderstandings.  They are supposed to READ HER MIND and understand that she might want them to drop everything at an inconvenient time and take her to the rental car place on a holiday weekend.

I switched the conversation back to what she needed, and heard the whole chapter and verse about how worthless her insurance company and the rental car place is, how she is calling the insurance commissioner to make a complaint, how she is finding new car insurance immediately, how she has a call into the regional manager of the rental car place and wants all involved fired, yadda yadda yadda.

Oy vey.  

She simply cannot get out of her own way to be part of her own solution, and her lack of empathy/inability to see any perspective other than her own is absolutely GOBSMACKING.

This is not going to end well.  Right now she is heralding the body shop owner as the hero, and the person is on a pretty high pedestal.  I suspect that fall will be hard and dramatic when mother goes to pick up her car and discovers that there is no way to make the repairs invisible on a 20 year old, three stage metallic paint job on an old Honda.

Thank you for reading!

She is going to drive me as crazy as she is...

Sorry I have been away for a bit!  I have a good one for you.  Just as a bit of background for those new to the blog, my mother is very firmly on the hoarding scale, and demonstrates the characteristics and lack of boundaries inherent to Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  Due to this, I have been keeping her on a 'low contact' schedule to keep my sanity and my health intact.  I live 7 hours away, so I do not see her often at all.

Last Tuesday we had an event at work, an open house.  I decided to make one of my calls to her as I drove home that night.  When I called, she had a story to tell.  And with her, all stories must be told in the most climatic, drama filled manner possible.  

I will spare you the 1/2 hour build up.  She hit a deer in what passes for town in her area.  She was enroute to the mall area, and a deer came out of a housing development, went over the hood of the car, shattered her windshield, and went on its way.  Luckily she was unhurt, just riled up and angry.  Other drivers stopped, so she had lots of 'Wonderful Strangers' and narcissistic supply.

She apparently did not know what happened, just that her windshield exploded in on her.  She said she saw a 'flash of orange'.  She also had on her glasses, so thankfully none of that glass came back and hit her eyes.  She was on her way to have a medical test on the swelling on her feet and legs.  She went into where she was going, and the glass exploding inward, her stopping, the conversations with the folks who stopped, the cop's attitude that responded... before she finally told me it was a deer.  Yeesh.  The salient points (I am being facetious) of this conversation were:

1. That 'someone' was watching out for her... She could have been killed!!!! (True, and thankfully she was not, but that was allegedly said to her 14 times- I exaggerate only slightly).  
2. That a DEER was out during the DAY!  She doesn't drive at night!  What was it doing out during the DAY?  They don't move around during the DAY!  (Says who?  Maybe the deer heard about the sale at Walmart...)
3. She was furious that someone had asked for an EMT when the collision occurred.
4. She was furious at the police officer, he had the nerve to ask her if she was wearing a seatbelt!  (I explained this was a common procedure question, not an assumption).  Her response set the tone for the rest of the interaction, which she did not share, however she did say at one point he said to her, "Look lady, all I want to do is get this scene cleaned up and cleared..." before retreating to the sanctity of his cruiser.  (Another person I should send flowers to...)  She kept demanding to drive the car and he told her no, she would be ticketed.
5. The tow truck driver brought a flatbed (yay... as he should have) and recommended a collision center, ironically, one that used to be owned by my dad's friend years ago.  (Add these folks to the flower list too.)
6. He took her home, but had to help her in and out of the truck, and all the people were commenting on her feet and shocked she was driving herself and no one was with her.  (Direct guilt poke at her partially estranged, neglectful daughter).
7. She called the insurance company, and was insulted that they asked her if she was wearing her seatbelt, and if she was ticketed (again, SOP for those calls) and they initially approved a rental for 5 days, she has a max coverage of 30 days/$400. She did not call to get a car.
8. She called the bank, who told her the car is worth $5,200.  I called 'bullshit'.  I estimated it is a $1,600 car.  It is a 20 year old Honda Accord LX wagon.  It is NOT a classic as she insists, and she also crowed that they said she could get $8400 for it if she sold it privately.  My advice was if anyone was going to pay $5200 or $8400... Take it and RUN.  I just checked Kelley Blue Book, for its actual condition in her area, it is worth an average trade in of $1,720.  Um.  Yeah. 
9. She was already obsessing about them totaling the car, she wanted it back, and the craziness has already begun.  She also demanded to know if they would take her dash apart to replace the windshield (what??? really?) and asserted SHE DID NOT WANT THAT because NO ONE puts it back right.  <<<deep sigh>>>

Now, as I have mentioned before, I ran an autobody shop for Honda, Nissan and Mercedes back in the early 90's.  I also worked at the rental car company that she is dealing with, and have extensive insurance experience.  (This was my first career out of college.) Normally I do not offer advice, but unfortunately I attempted to offer some guidance.  I did not call on Wednesday, but did on Thursday, only to be regaled with all the Wonderful Stranger stories, and that she called 2 banks and they told her the car was worth $5,200!  I told her to take it and RUN.  She stated the body shop called at the end of the day and the estimate was ... drum roll... $1,600.  Now, even with a $1,700 car and it exceeding the 80% ACV, I was confident they would not total it.  She got very angry when I again refused to engage in speculation of worst case scenario.  She stated the adjusted needed a picture of the car, and she was told to wait on the rental.  I advised her that she did not have to wait, and worst case, secure it with a credit card and get a car, time was running out since tomorrow is the eve of a 3 day weekend, and calling on Friday will most likely result in the car place being rented out.  

Friday I called her as I was returning from a consulting job.  She was in rare form... She was angry that the adjuster had not called right back, and still had not arranged a rental.  I again had the discussion, and urged her to call.  She rather sourly advised me that the car would not be totaled, and went off on the dash board craziness again.  I would not engage.  The adjuster beeped in, and she said he got what he needed.  I advised her to call the rental, and that I thought it was unlikely at an hour before closing on a travel holiday that she would get a car, but to try/put in a reservation.  She claimed the insurance guy had told her the car was between $5200 and $8400.  Um... Whatever.  That made her mad that I would not argue.

She hung up, and I got a pissed off call... similar to the howlers of Hogwarts/Harry Potter fame.  They were rented out, there were only two people there right now, and they were only open 3 hours tomorrow.  I asked if she made a reservation.  She said she did not know what they did, and did not care.  I advised she call and make the reservation for Tuesday, and ask they call her if a car is available tomorrow.  She very sarcastically retorted that if she had a way there she would not need a car.  She also started to obsess how she would get her car when it was done.  Um... drop the car at the shop, and get yours, or drop it at the rental place, and they will take you over.  She has done this before.  She made sarcastic comment about getting there again and I outlined the following as her choices:

1. She could call her neighbor.  She immediately started yelling that 'she does not have time with work and with all the things she does with that GUY'. She further stated that another neighbor has as a hubby with dementia and she cannot and she is not asking!
2. I continued without reacting to her interjection that she could call a cab (she again began screaming that would be at least $20-$30!  She was not paying it!)
3. And my final suggestion was that she would just have to wait until Tuesday since she allowed this situation to evolve to what it is with her choices.  She icily asked how she could have got a car when she was told to wait.  I civilly called BS on that, and advised her she could have called Wednesday when she was first approved, and could have secured the car with her card.  

She was not happy, grumbled something and hung up.  I immediately texted the neighbor to give her a heads up that I would recommend NOT calling her.  Turns out that despite talking to my mother on Wednesday, mother did not say a word.  Apparently the deer/car situation is a SECRET!  GAH!

It is Monday, and I have not called all weekend, and if she has tried to call, unfortunately my smart phone is dead, and the insurance replacement will not be here until Wednesday at the earliest. 

Unfortunate, but not the end of the world.  I may check in on Tuesday...  Maybe.  Maybe I will not.  I am sure I am the most awful daughter ever since I did not fix this, or rush to her assistance.  Um... I had friends coming in from out of town, and lack of planning on her part does not constitute an emergency on mine.  

To be continued... I am sure.

Hoarding... no one wins.  NO ONE.  Have a great week everyone, and thank you for reading.

Update on medical.... well, not really....

The craziness continues with the temporal arteritis concern with my hoarding mother.  In the post previous to the last, my mother's doctors suspect TA, not a mastoid bone infection, is the reason for her issues.  If that is the case, time is of the essence... but my mother is dragging her feet and doing her normal routine of being controlling, oppositional, and unable to get out of her own way to be part of the solution.

The stakes are high if this is the case.  Blindness, strokes, all kinds of things can happen.  Her response?  Dragging her feet.  Engaging in scorched earth and inappropriate behavior with those trying to help her.  She went to her specialist, who was going to schedule a biopsy with the one doctor by the end of the week last week.  She heard from their office on Thursday, after deciding the doctor was 'mad' and all kinds of inappropriate and unfounded assumptions.

Her response?  She went to the library, had the librarian Google the biopsy, and has decided to NOT do it.  She has the prescription for the steroids she would need to take for a number of years, and she does not want to take those either.... (And what a lovely impact they will have on her mental health...) 

I am not advising, commenting, or giving her any reaction or reinforcement one way or the other.  

Maybe I should develop a drinking game to play when on the phone with her?  

Have a great week.  Thank you for reading.

Yeesh... Everything but what is truly important. Is this the path to self destruction?

She utterly baffles me and simultaneously breaks my heart.  It makes me sad to say that, and not in a mother-daughter way, but the feeling I would have elicited by any client I have worked with over the years.  

As I keep telling my staff, there are two overarching tenets to case management/social services.  

1. You cannot want 'it' more than the person themselves does...
2. You cannot assist someone in spite of themselves.

With those two touchstone observations as the perspective in which I am dealing with this, onward to the latest installment of utterly CRAZY.  

For those new to this blog, as with many folks who engage in compulsive hoarding at this level, the stuff is a side effect of the power and control issues, her addictive behaviors, and her narcissistic/borderline personality disordered behavior.  It is so hard to filter through what she says, since she makes minor or inconsequential things HUGE things, and important things are often not shared until way past critical mass.

So- the latest installment of 'cannot get out of my own way to be my own solution to save my life...'

Since February or early March my mother has been complaining of headaches, and had a siege where her jaw hurt so badly that she could not open her mouth wider than 1/2-3/4 inch.  She was passed back and forth from her primary care doctor to her dentist and referred to her ear specialist.  Long story short, partially due to her refusal to follow process and allow electronic referrals, records to be sent, etc. she made what was really poor follow up and communication come to a complete standstill.  I also realize that the recollection of events I am getting are what she chooses to share with me, so again, who really knows what is actually based in reality.  I do not think she receives the greatest of health care in her small Appalachian state, and her mental health and behavior are definitely a barrier, and the fact that she is an isolated, elderly woman with Medicare.  I have offered to come pick her up, put her up in a hotel nearby, and take her to John Hopkins Medical Center in the past.  She flatly refuses.  

During this nearly 3 month ordeal, she has made things more difficult by:

• Refusing to give all her providers similar information
• Refuses to allow electronic referrals or prescriptions to be sent
• Refuses to allow the doctor's offices or medical facilities to transmit records, she picks them up, reviews them and picks through them
• When she calls a medical provider, if she gets voice mail she most often refuses to leave a message
• She has never set up her voicemail on her land line, and has her answering machine disabled so she only knows who calls by caller ID, and she does not want anyone to know she has caller ID
• She refuses to give out her cell phone number to anyone, and does not keep the phone on or check the voicemail
• If a provider does not respond in the manner she deems appropriate and quickly enough, she launches a scorched earth response
• Yesterday she called her ear specialist, and in a very condescending and sarcastic manner, cancelled her appointment that her PCP had moved up 5 weeks for her as he thought she had an infection in her mastoid bone at the very least
• She scheduled with an 'older doctor that knows something' for today (which is the day she was supposed to go to see the ear specialist)
• She arrived at her PCP today unannounced an hour before an appointment that would take a half hour to drive to, demanding copies of medical records, and stormed out when the office person informed her that she was busy and that (mother) would have to wait
• Her gums started to spontaneously bleed and she said nothing

I could write a book on this... and it feels as if I have.  The older doctor told her that he did not feel he had time for a biopsy, but she had 13 of the 20 symptoms of Temporal Arteritis so he was starting treatment with massive cortisone doses.  Upon researching this a bit, and having a bit of background working in medical case management with folks with TA, her assertions from today do not line up.  But with TA there is a real threat of blindness or stroke if untreated.  She has an appointment with the doctor she sees in a nearby city to manage her rheumatoid arthritis and lupus.  

She mentioned it in the 'I am so mistreated and shat upon' way that she does, then she was off to complaining about her neighbors, attempting to gossip, and her normal negativity.  She then mentioned suing all the doctors involved to this point.  Ugh.  

Do I know firsthand that medical malpractice and terrible errors happen with the most consistent and reliable of patients?  Yes.  And medical providers are human too, and they make errors.  I also know that her combative and paranoid behavior makes treatment a crap shoot at best.  No one wins.  And she refuses to see any other perception than the one she stubbornly clings to, even in the face of facts.

I am not sure how this will play out, and it may be one of her 'Chicken Little' episodes that will be anticlimactic as she moves through the process.  Time will tell, but this is a situation that she may have made much, much worse.  

I know she will not allow anyone, including me, to do anything meaningful for her.  Whatever happens, if anything does, it will be partially consequences of her choices.  Choices that include piling her home floor to ceiling with crap, and forcing anyone out of her life that would be willing to help her... including me.  

Hoarding... no one wins.  NO ONE.  Thank you for reading.

I have no words to name this one...

For those of you of you who regularly read, (and I thank you!) my blogs are documenting my hoarding mother's continued slide into paranoia and abject misery.

Two most recent points to note:

Her absolute conviction that a neighbor is stalking her, has been in her house, steals from her daily, and has had her in a rifle scope (she states she saw the laser sight beam following her).  

Her absolute refusal to be part of her own solution.  For anything.  

To the first point, she has now purchased multiple driveway alarms.  Click here to see the Harbor Freight description of the alarm.  They are cheap and battery operated.  She has had one in her kitchen for many, many months to alert her if the cats get up on the sink.  <Ahem>  She is now obsessing and determining strategic locations to place them, and is considering buying a video baby monitor to monitor the garage.  She already has an intercom system to the garage that is on listen mode all the time.  She has gotten huffy that when she starts this trajectory of monologue I either ask her to discuss something else, ask her if she has done any of the safety planning/stalking protocol things we have discussed (one example can be viewed here), or I end the call.  

The first segueing into the second point...  Her refusal to be part of the solution.  The natal point of this blog was a Derecho that hit her area hard in late June/early July of 2012.  She was without power for many days, and through her decisions, she made a truly difficult situation horrific.  You can read that blog entry, 'The Derecho and the Elderly Hoarder', here.)  I had attempted to send her a generator and attempted to problem solve with her, both at the time, and after.  She is not having it.  I worked to develop a safety plan with her after she was bitten by one of her cats and required emergency hospitalization and surgery.  No go there, either.  That happened in July of 2010.  For nearly 4 years (and LONGER) I have attempted to work with her on contingency/emergency preparedness, safety planning.  And this type of strategy?  It is the basis of the past 25 years of my career.  So I do know just a small bit about it.   But,  unless it comes from Dr. Oz, Oprah, or a Wonderful Stranger in a doctor's office waiting room or shopping at Walmart, it carries no weight with her.

So... After an extremely busy and personally stressful week, I was dropped off by two friends, and was awaiting the arrival of two others to go to dinner and shopping.  My text message indicator sounds, and it is my hoarding mother's neighbor, the one I have contact with and who tries to check in on her from time to time.  She was going to call my mother to ask if she needed something from Lowes, and wanted me to call her and talk her into allowing her to purchase a generator for her to have, as another major winter storm is bearing down and was to arrive today with massive icing and snow accumulations.  Her neighbor expressed several frustrations:

1. That my hoarding mother keeps her cell phone number such a zealous secret from EVERYONE.  I am actually surprised she gave it to me.  It does little good to have it, as she never has it turned on.
2. She refuses to take common sense and reasonable preparation steps to ensure that she is not in a crisis if something unexpected happens.  And it is not a money thing, she is very, very secure and has the funds.
3. She refuses to listen to anyone, but is furious if people do not treat her advice as gospel.
4. She will not let anyone do anything for her, then is angry that no one helps her.  She honestly expects people to know what she wants, when she wants it, and how she wants it without being told.  And what she wants is often CRAZY.  

I told the neighbor I appreciated her efforts, and this was a lost cause.  She agreed.  Although she gets and supports my staying away, I got a good helping of the Appalachian expectation to fix this for my mother.

I cannot fix it.  Mother is the only one that can... and she refuses.  She did not ask for the trauma in her life, the abuse.  She did not ask for the severe mental illness she is locked into.  Where I hold her accountable is her refusal to do ANYTHING to help herself, and the impact her behavior has on others... and the impact it had on me... an innocent child who did not 'ask' for what I got growing up, and still do not 'ask' for what I get now.  <Sigh>  But I realize that I cannot do it for her, and the only person I can help/change is myself.  My one success is I shall never put a child through the utter hell I experienced growing up, and the wrenching mess that I am still involved in as an adult because I choose to maintain a relationship with her, honestly, for my own safety.  If I totally estranged, her harassment, her stalking, and her propensity for physical violence/harm and scorched-earth revenge would be unequalled for me and all those close to me.  All from a tiny, frail looking 78 (?) year old woman that walks with a cane...  

Hoarding.  No one wins.  NO ONE.

Thank you for reading.

101th Post and the 100th... Yes, it is 'From the mouth of a hoarder' time!

My apologies for such a long absence!  Nearly 3 weeks since my last post.  I did not realize it at the time, but the last post was number 100... and serendipitously... my blog (rant) was about her obsession with POO.  And talking about it, despite efforts to maintain boundaries with her.

She has continued her out-there-comments and assumptions, and below is a compilation of the most recent.

Without further ado... ENJOY!
______________________________________
"[In reference to the feral cats she feeds and waters...] Would you believe the water bowl FROZE SOLID?  I guess if the little animals are thirsty they can just lick snow, right?  That IS what they do, right?  Just lick snow?"

"I was told that even though I do not have THE INTERNET {emphasis mine} I can still get information and stuff from my computer.  Is that true?"

"I guess I did not need two separate cell phones to keep one charged all the time for the car.  I changed my plan and my other phone was supposed to be no good after midnight on the 12th, but I waited a few days and called it to make sure that nothing sneaky was happening."

"[After lots and lots of snow during a recent snowstorm] Well, it is 2pm and still no paper.  That is ridiculous.  The TV does not show anything but crap and now no paper?  I am now not connected to any news at all!"

"[Speaking of the neighbor behind her that has resumed dating and has a live in boyfriend] ... How long is it before you can 'draw' against a spouse's Social Security Benefits?  Ten, eleven years?  She better hurry up and marry him, he has worked all his life and put away some money and would leave her a nice income."

"I just noticed on that guy's RV thing, that all the windows are tinted except the front windows.  I first thought someone had broken out the windows.  Why would they tint the back windows but not the front ones?"
_________________________________________
She has also been a broken record on:

• Her concerns for a hoarding acquaintance who has dementia...
• "She could forget to feed her dog or it could get away from her and die!  That poor little thing!  I know how it is to have no one to help you or see about you..."
• "She is going to die, or someone is going to take advantage of her.  And that daughter?  She does not deserve anything when she dies!
• Commenting on her neighbor's live in boyfriend...
• "He has been complaining of not feeling well and his stomach hurts.  Why... I bet he has cancer!"
• "He seems to have a lot of money to throw around.  Wonder what [his pension and job]pays?
• Commenting on various neighbors offering to take her to the store since the hoard-mobile is snowed in the garage and she has been unable to leave the place for nearly two weeks.  She makes a big kerfluffle of them calling, speculates on motivation, and refuses their assistance, then wails to me that she is running out of pet food, food, and medicine.
• She finally called the Area Office on Aging and got a ride to Walmart.  
• She now has a new wonderful stranger that was appalled she is on her own the way she is.
• She has been fixated on any child maltreatment case in the news, and has been simply ruminating and obsessed on the death of Phillip Seymour Hoffman and the death of Shirley Temple Black.
• She keeps asking weird and random questions about the protocols of the place that I work and the types of clients we serve, and gets annoyed when I will not engage.
• Obsessing about the weather.  EVERY OTHER BREATH IS A COMPLAINT.  No one is really all that thrilled right now, but complaining does not do any good as far as I can tell...

The bulk of her verbal diarrhea is complaining about how she cannot get out and do what she needs, railing about all the injustices she has been dealt in her life, complaining about her health, and refusing for a second to be part of her own solution... and attempting to be an 'askhole' and keep asking the same detailed questions on the same topics that she has no intention of acting on.

Calling her is painful.  And again, this is not going to end well.  It cannot.

Hope something here made you laugh a bit.  Have a great weekend!

Another, yes, ANOTHER tidbit o'crazy.

I know I keep saying it, but... you cannot make this stuff up.  Speaking with her often exhausts me.  So... this installation of 'TOC'.

"...and I went outside, and my plants were broke over and cut down!  I was going to stake them up and I did not realize that he [hated neighbor] was not at work... He is not supposed to drive you know..."

Yeah, yeah, yeah.  I know all that.  I am almost to my next destination.  Please finish this thought.

"When I looked back, he was on his porch, and when I went inside he walked into the neighbor's yard to see!  I know he wants that basement window clear!  HE HAS PLANS!  I know he does!  I wish you were not such a goody goody and would tell me how to contact [either of two people she considers to be capable of hiring for her purposes].  I just wish... I wish I had an apartment above the garage, and I would pay someone to stay here and KEEP AN EYE ON THINGS... I am sick of this!  I wish I could get him on film or recorded so he cannot lie his way out of things...  How much would a camera like [describes a security set up she saw on CSI] cost?"

Um- you can I guess, if you are willing to spend a lot of $$$.  I spent over $80,000 on the agency's 'state of the art' system 6 years ago.  

"Well, money is not an issue, and I would be willing to spend whatever amount necessary to put 'Wittle [hated neighbor's first name, using familiar form sarcastically]' in jail and get him off the streets!  I would call 9-1-1 and tell them to get him out of here! If that is not stalking I do not know what is!  Why I would spend it all to get him out of this neighborhood forever!  I would..."

Whoa.  You realize that to make a case for stalking you have to be keeping records like we discussed, correct?  Location, event, who was around, context, photos, date, time... Have you done any of that?  Kept calling the police?

"[Sulkily]No... It does not..."

Okay.  So- despite multiple discussions on a topic that I train folks for nationally and do for a living for nearly the last quarter of a freaking century, and the police reinforcing it, you have actively chosen to NOT be part of your own solution?

"It is NOT THAT WAY!  Lisabeth!  You don't understand!  You don't..."

And you realize if you do 'catch him in the act' you might at best get a conviction of B&E or some lesser charge he would plead to?  That he would not go away for long at all?  If at all?  They would not lock him up and throw away the key?

"Of COURSE!  WE MUST PROTECT THE LITTLE CRIMINALS!  NOT TRAMPLE THEIR LITTLE HUMAN RIGHTS!  WHY I..."

Gotta go.  <Click>

Wow.  I spared you all the discussion of him killing her petunias, her bushes, stuffing mud in her garage/driveway drain (from a mud street and unpaved driveway) and the like.

My friend is right that observed quite a while ago that she is getting worse.  It is a steady drop. Or should I say escalation?  Today I had lunch with friends and in discussion said something that hit me hard after I said it.  I had shared that it was getting harder to remember these exchanges in the detail necessary needed to accurately blog them, especially the FTMOAH (From the Mouth of a Hoarder) posts since 'the crazy' was consistent, and consistently off the chart.  It is no longer something that stands out from a base level of annoying or narcissistic behavior.  It is horribly consistent.  And I cannot get her help in spite of herself, and honestly remaining in contact with her is also about safety for me.  It is a harm reduction strategy, so the craziness of stalking, being intrusive, etc. will not escalate.

I cannot win.  This is not going to end well.  I know this.

So when does a hoard 'tip over' from a dry hoard to a wet hoard?

Dry hoards... 
Wet hoards... 
Clean hoards... 
Dirty hoards...  

No matter what stage the hoard is on the clutter scale, most COHs refer to the type of hoard.  Many of the hoards you see on the reality television shows are wet/dirty hoards.  There is significant vermin and garbage in the hoard, and often animal or human waste in very severe hoards.  My mother's hoard historically has been a dry/clean hoard.  Do not get me wrong.  Her house STINKS.  It is dangerous to anyone going in from a respiratory/health standpoint.

A quick rewind, if you will, to when I was at her house the last time, which was July 2011.  This was the first time in over 10 years,  and it was hugely hoarded to levels often towering over my head with goat paths, but for the most part it was a dry hoard.  I gagged going in, and the refrigerator was full of nastiness, etc... and I got deathly sick.  Fast forward to last month, and I was in the hoard-mobile and got sick again.  Now, if you have read this blog and saw the mid-March entry, she found a turd downstairs.  And it was not from her cats...  She first decided that it was snake poo and then decided here in the last couple of weeks that it is skunk poo.  And she believes her hated neighbor broke into her house and left it there.

Fast forward to this week.  Her paranoia continues to feed on her narcissism, her negativity and her abject and self inflicted misery.  As many folks who hoard do, she has long monologues about minutia of normal living.  Long side expiditions into the world of 'no-one-gives-a-royal-#$&%'.  This time she took over 10 minutes to describe her extreme caution in bringing produce into her house.  She will tell you will a straight face that there is not one insect in her house.  If you believe that, I have a lovely used car with 165K that I will sell you that is LIKE NEW for what I paid for it 5 years ago!  <Oh... I digress...>  Anyway, as I was about terminate the call, she finally gets to the issue.  She found a roach in her kitchen.  She just KNOWS that it came in on the two bananas she bought a few days prior and went through her 'process'.  

Now... I realize it is possible that happened, but very unlikely.  I would be more likely to believe that the roach come from one of the following:

• How any roach and his or her friends enter any home since it is in essence Roach Nirvana
• That some of the paper bags, cardboard boxes, or umpteen year old dry goods hatched roach eggs finally
• The same route or reason the poo was in her basement ... (wait... is that technically the same as the first point?)
• It caught a ride in on any of the other 5 million items she carries into the house weekly from warehouse retailers, big box retailers, the pet store, etc.

With that being said...  What concerns me the most is the first and third points (and they technically are the same I think) so... to me this means that the infiltration of garbage is getting to be more substantial than it was nearly two years ago.  There was some, and a whole lot of reusing things that should never be kept, but 2 major things have changed for her.

1. She now wears continence pants after a couple of incidents of soiling herself without knowing it (????) in public.  Apparently pissing herself repeatedly did not prompt Depends usage.  But a series of sharts or worse did.  Ugh.
2. She has walked very laboriously and with a cane since last July.  This has resulted in her being even more sedentary and immobile than she was. For example, she is now feeding the 6 cats their canned food in a communal bowl making them 'take turns'... whatever that means.

I strongly suspect that she is continuing the steep slide from dry to wet hoarding.  Her house is already toxic beyond description... Most of her animals who have passed in the last 20 years have succumbed to liver failure, which there has been some discussion on hoarding task forces that animals (especially cats) forced to live in the hoard have a disproportionally high incidence of this.  (I would like to see some evidence/citation of research in relation to this... Not that I doubt it, but I prefer scientific method and SCIENCE, not just anecdotal information.)  She always, always, ALWAYS has some sort of respiratory ailment that is antibiotic resistant and hell to treat, then there is the fact that I ended up with a systemic infection/endocarditis from being in her house less than 10 minutes.  She had the library staff print off documents on the weird and rare form of bacteria that nearly cost her her hand and her life from a cat bite.  And she was shocked to find that it is unlikely that it came from the cat... Denial immediately set in and the information was discarded as relevant.  

I have only talked to her once or twice since this disclosure, and she was going to buy roach traps, etc.  I am sure her delusion/denial has set back in, and if I have to guess, she will at some point start blaming hated neighbor for this too.  And how would she ever have someone come in and treat?  She would not.  The horror!  Having a pest control truck there!  Acknowledging the problem!  And letting someone in her house?  Not happening.

If I do outlive her, and she has not succeeded in estranging me completely, it is going to be quite the legacy/inheritance she leaves me.  That is enough to keep me up at night...  Simply horrible.  And there is nothing that I can do to get her help, willingly or not.

One humorous note, she was referred to a therapeutic  massage therapist by her chiropractor.  (Another person that I should add to the 'send flowers for dealing with her' list).  She has another Wonderful Stranger and something else to talk about, interspersed with the crazy... but hey, you take the positive where you ca find it.  Her 934,768 questions before the appointment were funny, such as:

"Do you wear clothes?  I am not getting naked for this!"

"Do they pound on you like they do on TV?"

"Will the place be clean?"

You get the idea.  And I have real empathy for the massage therapist.  

Have a lovely Memorial Day Holiday if you are from the US and commemorate this holiday.  I will be spending it with my cats, my friends, some awesome food (corn on the cob, grilled portabella mushrooms with a mix of shrimp and scallops and white wine stuffed in them) and more wine.  

Goodnight all.  

You know you were waiting for it... the unidentified 'poo' object update...

You.  Cannot.  Make. This. Stuff. Up.

A while ago, March 12 of 2013 actually, I shared about my hoarding mother's discovery of a turd in her hoarded home.  If you have not had the... pleasure... you can read it for yourself. 

Click here to read the blog about the discovery of the 'poo' object

Although I had NOT forgotten about our conversation nearly a month ago, I had not mentioned it, asked her about it, etc.  That is my new strategy for my sanity.  Not participating in the crazy.

So- because I am so obviously a masochist, I called her on my way home to check in.  

"I just got back!  [Rambling litany of complaints that launched with 'I am so mad I could KILL!'... her normal precursor.  One would think she ran the Boston Marathon, but it was in actuality about 3 errands/stops... one that includes the library.]  And something really WEIRD happened."

<Crickets chirping>

"Today I just had the word 'snake' come into my mind... it was weird!  So when I went to the library I asked the 'girl' behind the counter [You mean the librarian?  OY!] if she would 'do something disgusting' for me..."

<Inwardly I cringe and add the one-woman-operator of the local library to my 'needs flowers for dealing with her list'.>

"And she said that it depended on what it was!  She acted so weird!  I liked [the previous librarian who was the only employee until her retirement in 2010] so much better, but anyway, I asked her to help me figure out what snake poop looks like [and she begins to ask me if I essentially knew you could look such things up on THE INTERNET and proceeds on with no response forthcoming from me]."

At this point, I simply pull my car over to the side of the road to listen to this.  I know it is going to be off the charts batshit crazy.  If this were an earthquake, it would be a magnitude of approximately 7.5...

For purposes of brevity... I will offer a synopsis of the 'gems' of this conversation... they are:

• Her lengthy and odd descriptions of the poo/discussion of the poo... using words like 'half a prune, consistency...
• Her discussion with the librarian of the birdseed in the poo, and the librarian's advising her that the snake could have eaten a bird or a small rodent that would result in that...
• Her conclusion based on that Google search and resultant discussion that "the [hated] a$$hole [neighbor] in the turn" is responsible... "You KNOW that, THAT SNAKE, did not get into my house naturally.  
• In response to my question of, "How so?" She went off on a rant about she could tell that her door had been opened with a credit card and he would not have to open the door very far... her conclusions also included that the snake could not have gotten under the [large] gap under her kitchen door and so it went downstairs.  
• She mistakes me for a herpetologist and asks me how long snakes can live without food.  I advised her that it is most likely the snake is there because there is a food supply, and remind her of the mouse fiasco a few years ago.
• This causes utter indignation- and she haughtily informs me that there is not even a single bug in her house...
• She was ranting about the [hated neighbor] should go 'visit his mother'.  His mother died of lung cancer several years ago.  She then started her violent ideation which I advised her that she needed to change the subject immediately or our call was over.
• She acidly asked how the snake got in organically then asked about the dryer vent, which has no screen or anything in it now because she has used it to hide things on occasion [don't ask].  Where it is it is approximately 5 inches off the ground, and there is a whole 'hoardy' mess of a box for the feral cats to eat out of directly in front of it, and the cat feeding is drawing all kinds of vermin into the yard.  She then had a freak out that he put the snake down the dryer vent  and he could do something else!  Horrors!  And more comments about how she needed the 'Equalizer' [a horribly schmaltzy 80's US filmed vigilante show that she LOVED]
• She talked about how she would 'be careful' now before she reaches into anything downstairs...

WHAT IN THE BLUE HELL WILL WE FIND IN THAT HOUSE WHEN IT IS TIME TO CLEAN IT OUT?

You can imagine how it went from there.  I pulled back onto the road, informed her I had to go, and ended the call.

She continues to deteriorate.  And there is nothing that I can do.  She will not seek help.  She will not accept help.  And she is not to the level that an intervention can occur without her consent.  

I seldom feel this impotent, this helpless... and this hopeless.  No one wins, and I guarantee this is not going to end well.  For me or for her.  

I know from my work that you can not help someone that does not want it.  You cannot want something more than the person wants it for themselves... And the scariest part?  I am just NUMB.  

I am simply husked out. 

Some salient points have been reinforced of late

To those that celebrate Easter, Happy Easter!  Today I spent the day recharging myself, spending time with the 2 most amazing cats (my furry family).  This weekend I took a large part of it off, and although I will have a large price to pay over the next month, I needed these three days ... to only do what I wanted, needed, had to do. 

I reconnected with some friends that I have sadly neglected due to my crazy work schedule the past few months... and I am working to once again achieve balance.  I am really working to move past the 'all or nothing' or perfectionist perspective that I was indoctrinated with by my hoarding mother.  I have a huge list of things that I have a deadline for at work.  And I will get them done.  I should have 'deep cleaned' my apartment (although it is company ready now!) and went to the grocery.  I did not.  Because this weekend, self care was the priority.  And reconnecting with those most important to me... my family of choice.

Now- bear with me, this may be a bit a long and twisty, but...  In the past few months work has been demanding.  Lots of lobbying, advocacy, new staff, and all grants are due for renewal... plus 2 events coming up and ... you get the picture.  I have worked crazy hours, worked every day, and let my life get out of balance.  Somehow I have drug myself to the gym 3 times a week, but it was a fight.  Happily, I am 92 pounds down, and 21 lbs from goal.  Only 8 from a calculated BMI of 25.  Through all of this, although I am an introvert and enjoy my own company, I felt isolated.  I was isolated.  By my own excess... (work).  And to that end, I thought about the isolation my hoarding mother imposes on herself.  About her inability to see things from another perspective, to be part of her own (or anyone else's) solution, to set achievable goals that are set in reality, and to accept responsibility/be accountable for her own life.  Not that I am perfect.  Obviously I am not. 

I spoke with some other COH's online this week, and have lurked in the online support group.  On top of that, speaking to my mother, highlights the true sickness, the narcissism, the addiction of hoarding.  To her and many, if not all, hoarders- their overarching coping mechanisms focus on the abuse of power and control.  Within that framework, several things are relatively consistent with most hoarders, if you can dig deep enough.  They are:

• Narcissistic and manipulative parenting
• Lack of empathy or compassion 
• Extreme rigidity
• Lack of boundaries and limits
• Refusal to look at data in a holistic way that would result in a reasonable conclusion

If you were so motivated to look back at the 40-something posts here on this blog (if you are a complete masochist), you would be able to group them into these categories.  Much of my posting has been on the horrendous things that come out of her mouth, and her refusal to see things from any other perspective than her own.  I see her constantly revising history and her rumination and negativity as stemming from the above. 

It appears to me that the life of a hoarder (especially one as close to the utterly dysfunctional/abusive end of the behavioral continuum as mine) is both full and empty at the same time.  It is empty of the things that most find rewarding... like reciprocal friendships, evolving and loving relationships with family, activities that bring joy to them and others... the list could be huge.  What the hoarder's life is chock full of, other than useless stuff, is bitterness, anger, and fear. 

That is simply so sad.  I heard a statistic from a respected hoarding researcher that less than 7% of those who receive therapeutic intervention for hoarding show any sign of substantive improvement.  And more frighteningly... there is a 100% failure rate on curing it.  (Now, I have an email into the person citing these stats so I can annotate/cite them correctly).  That tells me that to date, the current way of treatment is an utter failure.  This, in my mind, would be like working with the perpetrators of domestic violence and asking them gently about the times they used power and control, and asking them to maybe not use a baseball bat on their significant other, but to just punch them.  And the family?  Sorry!  If you are not willing to submit to the continued abuse, you are obviously part of the problem.  Is this a harsh analogy?  Yes.  Exaggerated for effect?  Yes.  Accurate nonetheless?  YES.