Trying to be my own solution... Because my hoarding mother cannot be her own...

Sometimes I cannot catch a break.  And I do not ascribe to luck, a greater plan, or whatnot.  Sometimes things just happen, and sometimes those things are a mix of good, bad or indifferent.  Lately, I have been struggling with a lot of challenges.  I think my hoarding, narcissistic mother was a huge lesson.  I fall, and each time I get up.  I still struggle with letting folks help me in a meaningful way, and sometimes I struggle with asking in a way that is meaningful.  I continue to work on that.  

Last Sunday evening one of my two elderly cats collapsed.  I will spare you the details, but it was late night, I was still up working, and she came to me just as she collapsed.  I grabbed shoes, the carrier, my sweet kitty, and wallet/phone/key fob and flew to the emergency vet.  It is only a couple exits away on the highway, but I had to get downstairs and to my garage that is east facing as opposed to my place that is west facing.  I looked at the time as I put kitty in the carrier, and 7 minutes later I walked into the emergency vet.  A few hours later she came out of it, and I was referred to my regular vet.  The probable diagnosis was a heart issue, possibly a vagus nerve reaction.  I made the appointment, and got really bad news.  It is a heart issue that caused a mild spinal stroke (oversimplification, but just humor me).  With treatment of a transdermal heart medicine and baby aspirin my sweet girl might have a year or more.  Maybe.  She is doing well, she is just a bit more attention seeking than usual, walks a bit slower, and sleeps a lot more.  She now vocalizes in a 'small' voice, and that is not her normal strident and booming meows.  She jumps up, plays, and begs for water out of the faucets.  It has been a hard week, as my last kitty that passed had a heart murmur that threw a clot, and produced a horrific seizure.  I put her down immediately as another one was imminent.  This is a bit different situation, but it will lead the same place, eventually.  I have decided to take it a day at a time, and let my kitty call the shots.  

I made the mistake of telling my hoarding mother.

She demanded to know why I did not put her down, and asked what I was going to do if it happened again and I was not at home, yadda yadda.  Then she proceeded to tell me about all the cats that she had lost over the past 20 or so years (which is a LOT).  I just told her it was not up for discussion, and if she wanted to keep talking about it, I would have to go.  I just cannot.  I am evaluating the situation every day, and I am hoping the pharmacy quits dorking around and gets my credit card information so I can get the medicine started.  I think our time together grows very short.  My other cat is very aware something is happening, and her behavior towards this one is a bit different.  I hope our time is not shorter than I hoped.  My mother also asked if I was going to get another cat, and another special needs elderly cat.  GRRRRR.

Also this week I came out of the office and walked to the parking garage where I park my car.  I immediately saw the rear right tire was flat, and I had left a few moments early as I hoped to stop by a coffee shop and get an iced chai.  I ended up driving several blocks on the rim to an automotive parts store and they tried to use a fix-a-flat product.  (My car does not come with a spare, nearly 70% of newer cars do not have them.)  No dice.  I was in a panic, I was the program speaker on International Women's Day for a celebration for a church about 15 miles away.  Luckily, one of my staff could help me, and she drove me to the event.  A participant drove me back to my car as she drove right by it, and I was able to call the auto service for a tow.  A friend saw my plight on social media as I had asked if anyone local could give me a ride and came the 40 minutes to where I was to wait for the rollback truck and follow it to the dealer and then give me a ride home.  I appreciated it immensely, as the tow truck driver would have transported me to the dealership, but I would have to got a rideshare home.  The next morning, the dealership was able to plug the flat (they hope it will hold) as they know I was hoping to limp my tires along until late spring and replace all of them.  They sent a driver to pick me up, and each person I encountered indicated that it was a huge puncture, and with a strange metal object.  They showed it to me.  

It was a corner of a construction knife/cutter.  It was centered in the center of the tire, between the treads and belts.  It most likely was not an accident.

I have let the area police know, and they will take a look at the camera to see if they see anything, especially since I was in the garage such a short time that day, and knew the time I came in and the time I found it.

I returned my mother's call.  She asked why I sounded funny, and I just said I had a long week, and was exhausted, I did not get home until midnight due to a flat.  I did not go into detail about what was in my tire, but she automatically assumed it was malicious.  She then told me that the hated neighbor in the turn stole her fuse box in the garage, and I asked about external lights and the garage door and she did not change the subject like last time, but weakly said that 'somehow' the automatic garage door still works and some of the external lights still work.  Um... If the 'fuse box' was gone, she would have nothing as it is a separate building from her house.  She said last week that something happened to her hot water tank so the gas company shut it off, and she also alluded that whatever this neighbor had done it impacted the house and only the hallway lights work and a few outlets.

Now, who knows what is true.  She also said that she has not repaired broken windows and just put contact paper over them.  

If this is true, she is firmly in a Stage 5 hoard, and she still has C-Diff.  She is now accusing the dentist of giving it to her, she won't consider that all the antibiotics plus using urgent care as her PCP could put her at risk.

She seemed to gather energy from the fact that life has been rough for me.  I remembered something from one of my undergraduate college professors who said or paraphrased "Misery loves MISERABLE company."  I think that bears true in this case.  Many of my friends are not having easy lives at the moment.  I am saddened by it, and I am clearly puzzled by what mechanism that someone could derive energy or even some sick pleasure from it.  I do not wish hardship on those I do not agree with or like, or dislike me.  

I have continued extreme low contact, and now she is calling me about once a day for an 'emergency question' and it is neither...

I keep 'grey rocking' her, and I will focus on what is important.  My precious kitties, my vocation, continuing to train for the next race/regaining health and stamina, my friends who are my family, and furthering my education... whether through a certification, another Master's Degree, or a PhD.  I think it is time.  

Life has been hard.  I just realized that just in the last year I have put over 17K miles on my car just running back and forth to medical appointments at a nationally renowned teaching hospital.  I have many, many vet bills.  I need to dig out of the debt hole (Mainly medical related expense for me and my cats) I have put myself in, so no big vacations for me, and I will need to postpone buying a condo for a couple of years.  I will do what I have to, and hopefully I can start picking up some consulting work when things slow down a bit... If they do.  Either way, I got this. 

I realize that my mother is continuing to deteriorate.  She refuses to get out of her own way to find any sort of solution.  I refuse to be her.  Onward and upward we go.  

Thanks for reading!



  

And I went to ground again. Some lessons I must learn over and over...

Thank you for those who checked in via comments, emails, and the like.  It has been a busy two months, and I do what I normally do when life turns up the heat.  I 'go to ground' to mix analogies.  

I am not sure where to start.  I guess with a personal update, then onward to stuff with my hoarding mother.  Long story short, I had a long email and phone conversation with my new specialist after the disastrous appointment in December.  I felt she really heard me, and she scheduled more testing.  The medicine prescribed was AWFUL, and caused a headache within an hour of taking it, and it lasted two to four hours, then I would take the pill again.  I felt really rough.  I had my tests, and one was so invasive and so foul that they intentionally do not tell patients what it entails until you get there.  I also learned that I am still extremely claustrophobic.  I had a major freak out in an MRI, and managed to get through the test through sheer force of will alone.  My latest appointment with the specialist was a week and half ago, and she took me off the awful med with the horrid side effects (including headache and weight gain) and she has referred me to another specialist/surgeon, for physical therapy and biofeedback, and to specialized clinics and the genetics clinic.  I will not be seeing this doctor again as she has gone as far as she can, it is now up to the other specialists.  I feel so much better sans GI medication, and I am increasing my mileage slowly to get into my training groove.  

Now- from my hoarding mother.  Some areas of the northeast have had significant rainfall, snow, spring-like temperatures, and snow... Lather, rinse repeat.  Due to this, her area has HEAVY flooding.  She called today to ask why I thought water was coming up through the floor in her basement.  Apparently she called a home improvement store first and got angry when they were not helpful.  I advised her it was due to the flooding and melting, and she had a fatalistic attitude about it 'why should I even bother' when I told her she would need to toss anything that the water came into contact with.  She also stated that the hated neighbor in the turn has broken into the garage and taken the fusebox and the electrical panel.  I asked how anything electrical like lights or the garage door is opening.  She changed the subject.

She has been on a paranoid tear lately.  She tortured the Sheriff's Department in her area wanting to talk to the Sheriff, and finally settled to the Lieutenant.  She was angry and cursing him, stating he was condescending and did not believe her.  She blew up at me because she determined I had a different car because 'it sounded different'.  I had an SUV from the dealership (actually, the sales manager's $100K SUV that is self driving, etc.) because I hit some furniture after dark on the highway and did a significant amount of damage to my car, some covered by insurance.  She was furious I had not said anything about the accident to her, and she kept demanding to know how it happened.  Later, when they had to keep my car a few days longer since they found additional damage, she was giving unsolicited advice and opinions and then started saying things like 'is that why they gave you that SUV?  They have so many things wrong with their cars? ' and similar crap.  Um... NO, the SUV was a favor since their loaners were all out and they were trying to save me a rental fee and the car did not break- I CRASHED IT!  Her sense of entitlement to preferential treatment is astounding.   I was grateful, she was angry they did not do more or lie to the insurance company about a motor mount they had to replace while in there.  My car is back, and is good as new.  

She has been excessively horrible.  Smugly criticizing the neighbors for their wet basements and stating 'she has never had a problem' which is not true. but in the 50 years it has happened maybe twice, and then happened today.  She criticized a neighbor stating 'her pets do not last very long' and touting her pet's longevity, and then she suddenly lost one at 8 years old with a spinal stroke.  She continues to talk about horrible skin and body issues, and she lost more teeth, and only has nine in her head now, and may lose two more soon.  She also contracted C-Diff, and she has no sense of TMI.  C-Diff in a hoarding, 81 year woman is going to be hard to get rid of.  I could fill pages with the ableist, classist, racist, heteronormative and cisnormative crap she spews.  She absolutely exhausts me.

I have been limiting contact, and doing a lot of 'grey rock' with her.  Not that I would tell her, and not that she asks, but I have my own stuff to deal with, and life is not a bed of roses right now.  Work is busy, challenging, wonderful yet ROUGH, and I work 12 to 16 hours day Monday through Friday, and work all day Saturday and part of the day Sunday.  

I have my new treadmill in my bedroom, so that gives me some additional ability to train when my schedule is tight.  I am so grateful to the friends who got it and brought it to me.

I have much to be grateful for.  Even challenges often have a flip side.  If life knocks me down 10 times, I will get up 11.  I learned much from my hoarding mother, and I developed a sense of resilience I might not otherwise had.  With that being said, I have to repeat... Hoarding, no one wins.  No one.  Have a great week everyone!

Under 30 days and counting...

So the clock is ticking down and my vacation is approaching.  And I am barely hanging in there. Lots of work crises, and other things happening.  I had a sick kitty, (my youngest- but I think she is okay now, I am just $900 poorer, but she is worth every cent).  

In the midst of all this, my relatively new-to-me luxury car that I have had 2 years and one week decided to take a major poo.  It was still under warranty, but I was not having a good relationship with the dealer, and long story short, this was going to be an uphill battle and a lot of wrangling with the dealer.  I decided to cut my losses, and traded the car on a much newer luxury sedan.  Last time I had downsized a bit, and had sacrificed a few amenities I had in my previous car.  In this car, I get all I gained with my Lexus, and all I had lost from the TL.  I also gained 300HP and a turbo, along with AWD.  The deal was done, and I traded.

Oh dear Maude, Murtle, and Harry the Turtle.  My hoarding mother figured out I had gotten a different car by a couple of things.  

1. My calls via Bluetooth were much quieter and with less background noise.
2. My turn signal sounded my different.

This, from the woman who is completely deaf in one ear, and over 60% hearing impaired in the other.  Turns out she had just replaced her hearing aid.  (She blames the cat for losing her previous one in the hoard).

Now she is fixated on wanting to know how much the car is.  None of her freaking business, that is how much.  I can afford it, and that is all she needs to know.  She has made a few comments about my impending Caribbean cruise, and my 'spending'.  Never mind I am working 70-75 hours a week many weeks at my job, and I have a consulting gig as well, basically a second job.  Never mind I have not had a true vacation since April of 2006.  Never mind that I am simply exhausted and need a week to be unplugged from work and from everything.

I just end the call when she starts passively aggressively digging for details, asks for information that is none of her business, and I continue to have her on the low contact plan.  I am a grown-ass woman that is closer to 50 than to 40, and I will take myself on vacation or buy myself a car I need for work as I deem appropriate.  And again, it hits me.

She sees this as opportunity lost, and is operating from worst case scenario.  Nothing is ever safe, enjoyable, worth the investment.  It also resonated when a friend speculated that she looked at my successes and happiness as a direct affront to her, a separation from the script she wants me to live by.

So sorry, I am not here for her to live life vicariously through me and re-script her life.  Tonight she complained when I mentioned that I was starting golf lessons in the spring and field hockey lessons in the summer that she did not know why I "had to try everything..."  I simply responded that I have but one life, and I choose to fill it with friends, fun and experiences.  That life is too short to live on the 'safe side of the street.'  I ended the call, and I felt a huge wave of empathy and sadness for her.  

What a small, frightening and bitter existence she leads.  I choose to NOT engage that life.  

Hoarding.  No one wins.  

Yes... It is that time again... From the Mouth of a Hoarder!

Bang.  Bang.  Bang.

That is the sound on my head on the steering wheel when I call my hoarding mother and she takes a left turn into absolute... Well, judge for yourself...
________
Let me set the stage for this one.  Last Friday night I attended a Gala in a town 50 minutes away from my home.  I left early 10:30pm as I had a bit of a drive and had been up since 4:30am that morning.  My phone rang and it was my hoarding mother.  She had just picked up her 20 year old Honda from the autobody/collision center in her town (see the previous 2 blogs for THAT story if you are interested) and she had only had the car home 6 hours and was already starting her stuff.

"What is a fender skirt?  Why I am asking is when I look in the wheel well I see a circular rod and..."
That is your strut.  It is fine.  [Explain what a fender skirt is, how it attaches, and what she would see if it were not there...]  "Well, I have NEVER seen that round thing before behind the tire... All I could think is 'here we go again!' and I ..."  Gotta go.  Goodnight.

The next day...
"I found a rubber... well, let me try to describe this... [awkward and useless description of a rubber square with a hole in the center]... What is that to?"  Um... shove it through the phone and perhaps I can tell you...  

Today...
"Is there supposed to be a rubber gasket all the way around the hood?"  No.  "Well why not?"  Because it doesn't need it.  "Well I think it should have it!  I think..."

Also today, but a brief respite from the car drama...

"I saw in Dear Abby that it is insulting to call the partner of a gay person their 'friend'.  What is wrong with it?"  <<headsteeringwheel>>

Thanks for reading!  Have a great week!

Yep. I just had to call this morning. Update to yesterday's post.

Oh. Dear. God.

For a moment there, I apparently forgot that the universe revolves around my hoarding mother.  How dare I forget that!

In my 9/1/2014 post I blogged about her inability to get out of her own way to deal with a minor car accident involving a deer.

Also, this weekend was a holiday, a 3 day weekend for me since it was Labor Day.  A lovely weekend spent with friends, good food, and running/training for a half marathon.  I ran a total of 21 1/2 miles in three days, and 9.5 of that was yesterday.  Where this is relevant is my iPhone 5 picked mile 7.5 to die.  And it really died, not just ran out of battery power.  I took a slightly shorter way home, and found it would not charge.  After a quick shower I took the phone to the phone carrier's store in the local mall, and they confirmed that it was done for. 

"He's dead, Jim!"  <Sorry for the Star Trek reference.>

Anyway, I was incommunicado from 12 noon until after 6:30pm, and I broke out my little back up TracPhone.  No data, no hotspot, and since it is a flip phone, I am NOT texting.  My new phone arrives Wednesday.

So this morning I checked my iPhone VM remotely.  I had a rather pissy sounding message from my mother just dripping with condescension.  "Lisabeth, I know you have company this weekend but I need 5 minutes of your time- I have a question that needs an immediate answer.  Call me when you get this."  She called at 6:20pm, and I retrieved it at 7am when I came back in from my run/workout.  

I called her on my way in to work.  She was PISSED when she answered the phone.  I explained my phone was dead, and asked her what she needed.  She began to go off on how she will never ask the acquaintance with a husband with late stage Alzheimer's for anything again, and she is not helping her again, and how the neighbor down back (the one I spoke to on Friday who did not know about the deer strike) told her that she was busy and was leaving to go out of town that weekend (when she talked to her and DID NOT TELL HER she did not have her car).  So we are firmly within the halls of petty grudges and overblown misunderstandings.  They are supposed to READ HER MIND and understand that she might want them to drop everything at an inconvenient time and take her to the rental car place on a holiday weekend.

I switched the conversation back to what she needed, and heard the whole chapter and verse about how worthless her insurance company and the rental car place is, how she is calling the insurance commissioner to make a complaint, how she is finding new car insurance immediately, how she has a call into the regional manager of the rental car place and wants all involved fired, yadda yadda yadda.

Oy vey.  

She simply cannot get out of her own way to be part of her own solution, and her lack of empathy/inability to see any perspective other than her own is absolutely GOBSMACKING.

This is not going to end well.  Right now she is heralding the body shop owner as the hero, and the person is on a pretty high pedestal.  I suspect that fall will be hard and dramatic when mother goes to pick up her car and discovers that there is no way to make the repairs invisible on a 20 year old, three stage metallic paint job on an old Honda.

Thank you for reading!

She is going to drive me as crazy as she is...

Sorry I have been away for a bit!  I have a good one for you.  Just as a bit of background for those new to the blog, my mother is very firmly on the hoarding scale, and demonstrates the characteristics and lack of boundaries inherent to Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  Due to this, I have been keeping her on a 'low contact' schedule to keep my sanity and my health intact.  I live 7 hours away, so I do not see her often at all.

Last Tuesday we had an event at work, an open house.  I decided to make one of my calls to her as I drove home that night.  When I called, she had a story to tell.  And with her, all stories must be told in the most climatic, drama filled manner possible.  

I will spare you the 1/2 hour build up.  She hit a deer in what passes for town in her area.  She was enroute to the mall area, and a deer came out of a housing development, went over the hood of the car, shattered her windshield, and went on its way.  Luckily she was unhurt, just riled up and angry.  Other drivers stopped, so she had lots of 'Wonderful Strangers' and narcissistic supply.

She apparently did not know what happened, just that her windshield exploded in on her.  She said she saw a 'flash of orange'.  She also had on her glasses, so thankfully none of that glass came back and hit her eyes.  She was on her way to have a medical test on the swelling on her feet and legs.  She went into where she was going, and the glass exploding inward, her stopping, the conversations with the folks who stopped, the cop's attitude that responded... before she finally told me it was a deer.  Yeesh.  The salient points (I am being facetious) of this conversation were:

1. That 'someone' was watching out for her... She could have been killed!!!! (True, and thankfully she was not, but that was allegedly said to her 14 times- I exaggerate only slightly).  
2. That a DEER was out during the DAY!  She doesn't drive at night!  What was it doing out during the DAY?  They don't move around during the DAY!  (Says who?  Maybe the deer heard about the sale at Walmart...)
3. She was furious that someone had asked for an EMT when the collision occurred.
4. She was furious at the police officer, he had the nerve to ask her if she was wearing a seatbelt!  (I explained this was a common procedure question, not an assumption).  Her response set the tone for the rest of the interaction, which she did not share, however she did say at one point he said to her, "Look lady, all I want to do is get this scene cleaned up and cleared..." before retreating to the sanctity of his cruiser.  (Another person I should send flowers to...)  She kept demanding to drive the car and he told her no, she would be ticketed.
5. The tow truck driver brought a flatbed (yay... as he should have) and recommended a collision center, ironically, one that used to be owned by my dad's friend years ago.  (Add these folks to the flower list too.)
6. He took her home, but had to help her in and out of the truck, and all the people were commenting on her feet and shocked she was driving herself and no one was with her.  (Direct guilt poke at her partially estranged, neglectful daughter).
7. She called the insurance company, and was insulted that they asked her if she was wearing her seatbelt, and if she was ticketed (again, SOP for those calls) and they initially approved a rental for 5 days, she has a max coverage of 30 days/$400. She did not call to get a car.
8. She called the bank, who told her the car is worth $5,200.  I called 'bullshit'.  I estimated it is a $1,600 car.  It is a 20 year old Honda Accord LX wagon.  It is NOT a classic as she insists, and she also crowed that they said she could get $8400 for it if she sold it privately.  My advice was if anyone was going to pay $5200 or $8400... Take it and RUN.  I just checked Kelley Blue Book, for its actual condition in her area, it is worth an average trade in of $1,720.  Um.  Yeah. 
9. She was already obsessing about them totaling the car, she wanted it back, and the craziness has already begun.  She also demanded to know if they would take her dash apart to replace the windshield (what??? really?) and asserted SHE DID NOT WANT THAT because NO ONE puts it back right.  <<<deep sigh>>>

Now, as I have mentioned before, I ran an autobody shop for Honda, Nissan and Mercedes back in the early 90's.  I also worked at the rental car company that she is dealing with, and have extensive insurance experience.  (This was my first career out of college.) Normally I do not offer advice, but unfortunately I attempted to offer some guidance.  I did not call on Wednesday, but did on Thursday, only to be regaled with all the Wonderful Stranger stories, and that she called 2 banks and they told her the car was worth $5,200!  I told her to take it and RUN.  She stated the body shop called at the end of the day and the estimate was ... drum roll... $1,600.  Now, even with a $1,700 car and it exceeding the 80% ACV, I was confident they would not total it.  She got very angry when I again refused to engage in speculation of worst case scenario.  She stated the adjusted needed a picture of the car, and she was told to wait on the rental.  I advised her that she did not have to wait, and worst case, secure it with a credit card and get a car, time was running out since tomorrow is the eve of a 3 day weekend, and calling on Friday will most likely result in the car place being rented out.  

Friday I called her as I was returning from a consulting job.  She was in rare form... She was angry that the adjuster had not called right back, and still had not arranged a rental.  I again had the discussion, and urged her to call.  She rather sourly advised me that the car would not be totaled, and went off on the dash board craziness again.  I would not engage.  The adjuster beeped in, and she said he got what he needed.  I advised her to call the rental, and that I thought it was unlikely at an hour before closing on a travel holiday that she would get a car, but to try/put in a reservation.  She claimed the insurance guy had told her the car was between $5200 and $8400.  Um... Whatever.  That made her mad that I would not argue.

She hung up, and I got a pissed off call... similar to the howlers of Hogwarts/Harry Potter fame.  They were rented out, there were only two people there right now, and they were only open 3 hours tomorrow.  I asked if she made a reservation.  She said she did not know what they did, and did not care.  I advised she call and make the reservation for Tuesday, and ask they call her if a car is available tomorrow.  She very sarcastically retorted that if she had a way there she would not need a car.  She also started to obsess how she would get her car when it was done.  Um... drop the car at the shop, and get yours, or drop it at the rental place, and they will take you over.  She has done this before.  She made sarcastic comment about getting there again and I outlined the following as her choices:

1. She could call her neighbor.  She immediately started yelling that 'she does not have time with work and with all the things she does with that GUY'. She further stated that another neighbor has as a hubby with dementia and she cannot and she is not asking!
2. I continued without reacting to her interjection that she could call a cab (she again began screaming that would be at least $20-$30!  She was not paying it!)
3. And my final suggestion was that she would just have to wait until Tuesday since she allowed this situation to evolve to what it is with her choices.  She icily asked how she could have got a car when she was told to wait.  I civilly called BS on that, and advised her she could have called Wednesday when she was first approved, and could have secured the car with her card.  

She was not happy, grumbled something and hung up.  I immediately texted the neighbor to give her a heads up that I would recommend NOT calling her.  Turns out that despite talking to my mother on Wednesday, mother did not say a word.  Apparently the deer/car situation is a SECRET!  GAH!

It is Monday, and I have not called all weekend, and if she has tried to call, unfortunately my smart phone is dead, and the insurance replacement will not be here until Wednesday at the earliest. 

Unfortunate, but not the end of the world.  I may check in on Tuesday...  Maybe.  Maybe I will not.  I am sure I am the most awful daughter ever since I did not fix this, or rush to her assistance.  Um... I had friends coming in from out of town, and lack of planning on her part does not constitute an emergency on mine.  

To be continued... I am sure.

Hoarding... no one wins.  NO ONE.  Have a great week everyone, and thank you for reading.

The Progression of Hoarding/Mental Illness

Wow.  Has it been almost 3 weeks since I last posted?  Time flies when you are having fun!  

I have some more conversational gems from my mother who hoards.  I was dining with a friend the other evening, and she always asks about my mother.  She made a very astute observation that had not really occurred to me... I am too close to the situation.  After laughing about the latest dash of crazy conversation...

"You realize that your mother is getting worse, right?  It used to be that when we talked that some of her conversations were a bit more normal.  Lately, none have been, and they are escalating."

That really hit me, and thinking about it, I immediately told her she was correct.  And she is.  Now... what to do about it?  Unfortunately the hell that COH's are caught in is there is nothing I (or we) can do.  You cannot help someone that will not help themselves, especially if they do not meet certain criteria (completing ADL's, do not come to the attention of the County Codes Office, and such).  Yet we are damned by society, the neighbors, et al for being uncaring children for 'letting' his or her parent live in squalor.   So- now onto the most recent...
_______________________________________
My mother has an 19 year old import that has been typical of its brand, extremely reliable.  It is garage kept, and although it is hoardy, she is one of the hoarders that is very concerned about outward appearances and she keeps it up and it is in very good condition with only 70K miles on it.  She has burned her bridges at:

• The dealership in which she purchased it new in 1994
• The more local brand dealership that opened in town a few years ago... she refuses to go there since they hired (and subsequently FIRED) a person she does not like
• The local individually owned repair facilities that can be trusted, folks that were friends of my father's... Not only burnt those bridges, but dropped the crazy equivalent of the A-bomb on them

She went to competing import dealer and had her service, had a CV boot replaced (to be expected) and since she RIDES THE BRAKES, her brake pads needed replaced due to wear.  During her visit, they got a speck of grease on the floor mat, and on the aluminum wheel.  Not optimal, but they cleaned it up immediately and completely.  This is after she created a huge scene because a man was in the waiting room coughing, and ended up playing the martyr card by having a dealership person place a chair in the entryway of the dealership between the doors, where she was cold, and where she could drag her cross of woe to each and every person that entered or exited the dealership.  Two days later when I called to check in:

"I am so mad I could just KILL!"

Now what?

"...[going over in minute detail the trials and tribulations of her last visit to the dealership]... so I decided to look at my car, and I FOUND IT! No one can do anything right..."

Did WHAT?

"Left off one of my valve stem caps! IT IS GONE!  DIRT WILL GET IN THERE!  I went to Advance, and THEY DO NOT MAKE THAT TYPE ANYMORE!  I had to buy 4!  They are aluminum, but I DO NOT LIKE THEM AS WELL!  ...[more ranting]... I called the service manager and I BLEW UP!"

{I will spare you the agony, but she basically sandbagged everything she perceived they did wrong, anything they did make an error on [despite correcting it] and informed him that she would not be back, and she would tell EVERYONE SHE ENCOUNTERS AND EVERYONE SHE KNOWS!}

Seriously?  Over an 19 year valve stem cover that they could have replaced the next time you were in?  Did you think that maybe they did put it on, and it wasn't tightened like it needed to be, or that it possibly stripped?  Or they are human and it got forgotten or dropped the thing?

"...[total disregard of above statement] Tell me how I can look and tell if they replaced my brake pads and CV boot thing, can I stick my head under the car and see?"

The conversation went to hell from there.  I will spare you.  You get the idea.  Pretty soon she is going to be out of dealerships and repair places.  As it is no one will do handyman or repair services on her home, and doctors offices are starting to wait list her.  

____________________________________

The second one still boggles my mind as to how everything is all about her.  There is a stretch of highway in rural Appalachia that she travels to access her RA/Lupus Specialist.  They had a massive gas line explosion that destroyed a section of highway and five homes.  The only life lost was that of someone's family dog that was at home at the time of the blast- which is sad, but it could have been much worse, like the blast in Allentown PA a couple of years ago.  

"Just think- that is CREEPY.  That was a close call."

Huh?  What?  HOW?

"If that would have happened 2 days later, and my doctor's appointment would be been done in its normal time, I WOULD HAVE BEEN RIGHT THERE IN THAT AREA AT THAT TIME!  I could have burned to death!"

Seriously?  I am getting off the phone now.

______________________________________

Sandy Hook... an event of unbelievable sadness, tragedy  and horror.  I know I was one of many who shed many tears over the lives stolen, and the heroics of the school personnel that tried to protect their students.

"First the [pop culture irrelevance] and then [another trivial matter that received lots of press] and now this.  They are running this Sandy Hook thing into the ground.  I am simply sick of hearing about it..."

---dialtone---

I had to hang up.  The ugliness that threatened to explode out of my throat was massive.  I have no words.  Selfish.  Narcissistic.  SICK.

_______________________________________

Other conversations have been really difficult.  They consist of:

• Screwed up, judgmental assumptions based on her skewed perceptions, and nothing remotely do with fact...
• "I guess they decorate for Christmas because they have grandchildren."
• "I cannot understand all the decorating for Christmas.  It is not like they ever have visitors or even have kids... [clucking over their poor choice]"
• "I think the neighbors must be running a rooming house with all the cars that are in and out of there."
• "There are people next door working.  The windows are all open again, I bet that place STINKS.  The basement was full of water (in the 70's).  Why doesn't someone condemn that house?"
• "Those people must have more money than they know what to do with.  YOU WOULD NOT BEEELLLLIIIIIEEEVVVVVEEEEEE the pile of garbage they put out each week!  A lot of it is NIIIICCCEEEE stuff!  Not tore up or anything!  Why don't they donate it?  People are in need you know!"
• A whole lotta projecting, gaslighting  and guilt mongering occurs as well:
• "...[speaking of an elderly, reclusive widow] You NEVER see her, and you never see anyone there but the yard service.  They never had kids, and no one comes to visit..."
• "...and those kids never once came over to help their stepmother care for their [abusive, bigoted and a hoarder] dad when he was dying at home with dementia..."
• "...[speaking of a woman recently widowed at the end of the street] She put up all kinds of decorations for Christmas.  She never did that when he was alive.  Who was she trying to impress?  And all that junk in the back yard (which honestly, when I saw it in 2010 looked fine... Mom's house was the worst looking one on the street) why doesn't someone make them clean that up?"
• "Now I have to get an MRI on my hip!  TELL ME THE TRUTH! What are they looking for that a bone scan wouldn't show?  I swear, that bast@#& at the physical therapy place, my hip wasn't in bad shape [despite advanced osteopenia and osteoporosis] until he made me do those things.  I WANT HIM FIRED!  I WANT SOMEONE TO BEAT HIS HANDS WITH A HAMMER UNTIL HE NEVER TOUCHES ANYONE AGAIN!"

Yeah.  Sorry this is a long one.  My friend is right.  It is getting steadily worse.  I think I am in for a wild, maddening, and sad ride.  I still maintain my commitment to check in on her from afar, but her recent behavior continues to challenge that.  

At what level, can someone (seriously!) have every person they ever interact with 'screw them' in some way before that person realizes that it may not be everyone else?