Saturday, September 22, 2012

Out of the mouth of a hoarder... or alternate title... you cannot fix batshit crazy.

Sometimes I just have to accept that folks that are close to me are going to say things that I cannot wrap my mind around... things that make me cringe that they actually THINK or believe, but they actually say, then go on the attack when they are gently questioned or other information to the contrary is offered. This post might be updated from time to time, and will continue to be direct quotes.

As a therapist friend of mine once said... sometimes folks are batshit crazy.

And the quotes are: 

"Why is it you only see blond haired white women with ... [whispered] black men?"
... Okay ... how many interracial couples have you experienced in your lifetime?
"Nicole Brown Simpson on the TV and a couple I saw at Walmart."

"Why do the channels have nothing but the crap in Egypt? I could care less what happens over there. Does not matter to me."
... after a prolonged discussion of oppression, misuse of power, civil rights...
"I don't care about any of that... I am missing my TV shows or have to keep changing channels."

"I cannot believe the Post Office nor the Library have tax forms available. I intend to complain. It used to be that they had shelves and shelves of them."
Pointed out that most folks e-file, have someone e-file for them, or download the forms themselves.
"Well- I am sure that I am not in a minority that does not use a computer or the internet crap."
Um- you are.
"I am sure all old people do not use the computer."

"Why do [checkout people and fast food workers] talk to me? I want to order, pay and get out."
2 hours later...
"I am so mad I could KILL. I went into Walmart and the checkout person did not say a word to me!!!! I am calling the manager... I have the receipt. Who does that jerk think she is?"

"I am putting [a certain frozen item] in the chest freezer. It keeps it so much colder."
Isn't the temperature the same as the upright freezer?
"Yes, but when I open the door the cold air does not come out at all and it all leaves the upright one."

Phone call that wakes me up during a Sunday afternoon nap... after working a 78 hour work week....
"Do you have the gloves I talked about sending you"
(Keep in mind, these are gloves that have been at her house since approximately 1991)
NO- I told you that earlier today- like 2 hours ago.
"What did I send you in the last three packages?"
Christ I do not know... but the gloves were not in them and are not a priority...
"How do you KNOW I did not already send them to you..."
Because I live a minimalist existence and know each and every item in my house, and where it is located.
"I thought I would get your voice mail"
UM- I am ON-CALL 24/7 and have been for the last 6 FRIGGING YEARS!

Referring to a family friend...
"It would not hurt the kids to come by and take care of their father..."
Um- he is an abusive SOB to his current wife, their mother, and any other wife he has had, and he has been a puke to the kids. He should kiss their feet they even speak to him...
"Well, he has given them a lot of money over the years."
Like THAT makes up for the childhood they lost ....

Panicked phone call- said with high drama "What color was your bike?"
You mean my childhood ones? I had a blue one, a purple one, and a red one...
Painful oral description of my 32 year old 10 speed...
Yep- that's it.
"Oh- I was afraid that someone broke into the building and switched out the bicycle."
Why would someone do that?
"You know how people are."

After informing that I am on my way out of town to catch a flight for a consulting job...
"What about your cats?"
It is just overnight. They will be fine.
"What if you do not come back?"
Pittsburgh IS like the Bermuda Triangle. Seriously?? Someone would miss me on Monday when I did not show up to spread sunshine and light to my staff.

Upon advising this person I had bought a winter hat...
"You know what I do?"
"I buy a $2 toboggan and put plastic wrap under it and tinfoil on top of it to keep my head warm. I would never pay $20 on sale for a HAT."
So- does that keep your thoughts away from the aliens?
Like M.Night Shyamalan's movie Signs?
"You are not funny. I try to give you a helpful tip and see how you are. You are a SMART ASS!"


"Aren't most or all people from New York Catholic?"
Um... NO. And just FYI- NYC and the state of New York are not interchangeable...

"Did you go to school with any that were... um... (stage whisper) that way?"
What way?
OH JESUS CHRIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"How did (a lesbian from my graduating class in High School) know that she was that persuasion?"
It is NOT a persuasion. It is an orientation. How did you know you are heterosexual?
"Why... I was raised that way!"
WOW. Seriously?

"I have had the weirdest thing happen to me today..."
**crickets chirping**
"Are you going to ask me what?"
"Anyway... I am hearing choral music. Inside the house, outside the house, in the car, even in the bathroom."
Are you taking your meds?
"No... why do you ask?"

"I am going to ask you a question and I want an answer!"
"You are over 40..."
"Do you have vaginal dryness? Mine drives me CRAZY!"
Oh... that is what did it...
"What? Anyway.. (launches into long monologue of her issue and strategies to correct it... and I hang up on her...)"

There have been many more, but in the interest of keeping this blog under 1,100 words (which is about 300 words too many) I will stop here. Only one more kvetch...

Repeated phrases that drive me batshit crazy... because they are uttered at least 5 times a conversation...
"Stop and think..."
"That's UNREAL."

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