Friday, March 27, 2015

Nearly 5 weeks later... I finally come up for air!

Took the day off today, and engaging in some self care.  Being a bit of a slug, lots of kitty love, and planning a long run here in the next hour or so.  This past month has been absolutely one of the busiest and most challenging grant and presenting seasons since I started my current position 8 1/2 years ago, and I just got through this onslaught.  It might not have been pretty, but it all got done.  A brief breath before the next cycle, but...  Enjoying the moment!

A lot has happened in the past 5 weeks.  Nothing earth-shattering, other than my hoarding, narcissistic mother's poor decisions and inability to see anything other than her own world view.  And as I have spoken of ever since the creation of this blog, she is getting steadily worse.  

Things that I am noticing that she is continuing to devolve on or has done that is just awful are:

  1. Her shallowness on appearance, weight, aging, natural disease progression.  Not a conversation goes by that she is not focused on a stranger's weight... "He is the biggest person I have ever saw!  I do not know how he could even walk.." This includes obsessing on folk's wrinkles, gray hair, and weight and either way, it never measures up to her standards or how she perceives her aging.
  2. Her delusions that she has a special relationship and connection with all animals.  She continues to give strangers 'snack baggies' with dog treats (she no longer has dogs) that she carries with her, and no one is the consummate pet parent she is, although she routinely abuses her cats by locking them in a carrier for hours if they 'misbehave' and smacks them with magazines.  This week she is going through the rabies shot series since a neighbor's puppy got out and she attempted to wrangle it into her yard, and got bitten for her efforts.  The pup is now in quarantine, taken by animal control that she called, and she has yet to speak to the neighbors, and did not let them know the night of the incident where their dog was.  
  3. Her assertions that she is psychic.  She keeps intoning "WHAT is GOING on?  This is CRAZY!" while talking about randomly 'thinking' about a person she went to school with, worked with, etc. then she immediately sees an obituary in the paper.  Do me a favor and don't think of me, okay?
  4. Her intentional cruelty to others.  Name calling, horrendously incendiary sarcasm and elitist, classist, sexist, and racist things pour out of her mouth.  She again called an overweight person a 'fat ass' and a 'fat pig' and was laughing and proud of it.  She also demonstrated how little she knows me or what I stand for when she stated that she was surprised at her own reaction, but she would expect that from me.  WHAT?!?!?  <<Head desk>>
  5. Her immense understanding of most everything based on a random experience 50 or 60 years ago.  She was going on about bones in food since an acquaintance she knew died in the 50's from a fishbone.  She takes everything to a unstable and unbelievable level of 'worst case scenario'.
  6. Her rumination, resentment, and decision to be miserable.  Yesterday she was telling a story where a relative lent one of her dresses to a relative and NEVER GOT IT BACK.  I suspect that a lost dress from the mid 50s has little relevance now, and everyone involved in the manufactured drama has been dead 30 or 40 years.  Let it GO.
  7. Her revisionist perspective of history.  I am simply amazed at her ability to recreate history in a way that suits her best.  Like my entire childhood.  Oof.
  8. Her inability to maintain reciprocal relationships or maintain set boundaries.  She has been kvetching incessantly on folks that she not only burned a bridge with, but actively launched a scorched earth campaign to destroy them and now she is miffed that they do not have anything to do with her.  REALLY?  I mean... REALLY?  Oh then there is the continued discussions of the hair on her lip, of skin tags, moles, and crusty feet.  GAK!
None of these are new things, but... OH MY.  Do they get recycled in a manner that is just patently painful.  Low insight, and no empathy.  It makes me so stinking sad for her, but I also have a shining example of what I do not want, and the diametric opposition of how I chose to live my life.  And I choose to live it at full volume.  

The wonderful things in life outnumber the challenges.  I have a crazy, busy job and side consulting business that I (both) simply adore.  I have my two diva kitty-cats, and I have my running efforts and the races I am training for... but most importantly, I have wonderful folks in my life that are more than friends, they are family.  I am focused on experiences and relationships, not things.  I hope I have my priorities right, and that I will continue to learn, and sometimes, heal from the experiences that shaped who I am.  I choose to live life at full volume!  I am celebrating my birthday (46) by jumping out of a plane with several friends.  I have many races to run, with two goals by winter... running a full marathon and running an obstacle race like a Tough Mudder or a Spartan.  I also enjoy my quiet moments alone, and I revel in every moment with my cats.

Life is good, it is peaceful, and I refuse to allow her to define (or defile) it. 

Have a great weekend!