Sunday, March 19, 2017

More questions, but we are getting there...

Thought I would post a quick update of my appointment with the specialist at the teaching hospital in a nearby state that I have sought medical care from.

Last Friday was my follow up, and I ended up spending over 3 hours in the G&I clinic.  So, what we know at this point from all the invasive and intensive testing I have had performed is as follows:

  • Part of my issues came from birth.  I was born with them since I have had severe GI issues my entire life that were never caught or addressed.  
  • Part of my issues come from the surgery to save my life in 2013.  Could not be helped with the damage the tumor did.  I am very lucky to not have a permanent colostomy or ileostomy.  
  • Crohn's is looking more and more unlikely.  
  • They are now chasing down a definitive confirmation of a diagnosis of EDS (Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome) or MS since something definitely major/autoimmune is happening.  I had a crapload of labs done, and a cancer panel is being run as part of the search to determine the autoimmune issue.  
  • The fact that I have Raynauld's and other smaller autoimmune issues point to a larger one.  Lupus has been ruled out previously, but they are testing for it again.  
  • They are already starting the process for me to see the EDS specialist, not a fellow, so I am on the list.  Seems they think this is it and is more than just stretchy skin and joint hypermobility with me.  
  • The ovary issue is still in play.  There remains a grapefruit or a bit larger pocket of fluid in scar tissue that has now been there since whatever ruptured on my sole remaining ovary last May.  I am being referred back to Gyn to develop a plan to have it potentially removed via a cannula.  (OUCH) and to determine that happens next with the Lone Ranger (ovary).  
Getting older is not quite the trip into hilarity I thought it would be, and quite bluntly, I am the age my father was when he passed away, and I realize how truly young that is.  If this is the price I pay to have survived 2013, I accept it. I remain firm in my belief that life is meant to be lived a full volume.  The bloating that I experience (losing and gaining as much as 13 pounds in a day) and the exhaustion may be what I deal with from here on out.  I will work to continue to be the healthiest person I can be.  I will be thoughtful (but not obsessive) about what I put in my body, and I will continue my fitness goal.  I plan on a 26.2 mile race this year, and possibly, a 50K shortly after.  I have an obstacle race scheduled for July, and I will take no prisoners.

Nothing will get in my way.  Not even me.  I have resumed crosstraining more as I got into the bad habit of 'just running'.  I am in pretty good shape, but I can do better.  Been eating more sugar and junk than I should, and have lapsed into eating animal based products from time to time.  Animal protein seems to not be my friend with whatever is happening.  Nor is sugar.  Everything in moderation... even moderation... to paraphrase Julia Child.  

The biggest thing I have to get in balance is work- life balance.  That is my addiction... My coping mechanism.  I will beat this too.  I do not want to die in harness a workaholic.  Small steps.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend.  I am planning a long run and a bit of lifting, then I sadly have to have my face shoved in my computer for most of the remainder of the day.  Looking forward to vacation this fall. 

Thank you for reading!

From the mouth of a hoarder!

Oh MY...  

So, it is time for the next installment of 'From The Mouth Of A Hoarder'...

____
"Do you fart a lot""

Excuse me?  What?

"Do you fart?"

Not having this discussion...

"Well, I ...

<End call button>
____

....[Rambling self absorbed monologue]... "So I started using vitamin E oil on my feet at night and now instead of the skin being crusty and flaking like a snowstorm the skin just rolls up into balls..."

GAH!  <<Retching>>
_____
"You need to tell me whatever they diagnose you with because I am sure I have it too..."

I snorted laughter, and this set her off.  The reason I did was I was talking with a friend at dinner the night before my follow up appointment at the teaching hospital.  In our discussion I had stated that if I was diagnosed with anything, by the end of the week, my hoarding mother would have the worst case of it that medicine has ever seen.
_____

You are welcome.  Enjoy your day!

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Just an update from down the rabbit hole!

Been a while since I last contributed!  Today is a snowy, blizzard-esh day in the north east section of the United States.  As for many, I am snowed in with my two cats, and I have used the day to work from home.

Since mid-January, a bit has happened, but nothing earth shattering.  My hoarding mother is still hoarding.  Her malignant narcissism is unchanged.  She has not gained any insight, has not developed empathy, and still works to flog me with guilt and to conflate small annoyances and concerns into huge crises.  She still continues to say amazingly cruel, racist, xenophobic and classist things.  One of the latest?  She stated how tired she was of seeing that everyone on TV was black.  It should be 50/50 if anything.  I took her task, and she retreated to angry and confused silence, and then changed the subject.  She still talks about moles, her nasty feet, and things that would make the most seasoned gastroenterologist puke.  She is intrusive to others, and is extremely judgemental.  She refuses to accept that although it is human to be curious, it is not okay to ask or to speculate on many issues that are, simply, none of her business.  

I do not expect any miracles.  She is not willing to change.  And she is not going to.  Her newest schtick is to express concern she has dementia starting, temporal arteritis, and an who host of alarming diagnoses.  I just will not engage.  She complains about the mess in her house.  She complains about the neighbors, states they are stealing from her, conspiring against her, are trying to kill her.  

Sadly or not, she is not in a place where someone can secure assistance for her against her will.  Animal control, the police, Adult Protective Services, or any other entity.  The codes office cannot help.  She is an island unto herself.

How am I doing with this?  I continue to work to heal the incredibly abusive childhood I survived, and I had a revelation that 'child abuse' does not end when you are a legal adult.  The strategies the abusive parent may or may not change, but the power and control and the underlying premise that the child is 'entitled to' the abusive parent and is an extension of their will, but not a person themselves (to the abuser) will not.  I continue to low contact plan, and I continue to attempt to understand the reverberations that her decisions to be willfully cruel, to not address her mental health issues and her hoarding have on me.  At almost 48 years old, I think I have a pretty good understanding, and I am working to insulate myself as best I can from her toxicity.  I now recognize the reverberations from what I survived, and I also realize that my issues to address are workaholism, my inability to (often) seek or receive help or kindness, and that I have SERIOUS trust issues.  I suspect that it is unlikely I will ever successfully partner again because 1) I don't really want to after over 21 years in committed relationships and 2)I am very clear of what are deal breakers for me.  At the first sign of a red flag I am GONE.  And at my dating cohort age, it is unlikely I am going to find someone that does not trip my alarm in an area or two at some point.  If they are not willing to swim a moat and jump a wall or two (through communication) then I do not feel they are worth my time.  I will do the same for someone I care about....  And I expect no less.

To paraphrase a meme, I will not make someone a priority if I am merely an option.  I have been an option my entire life.  No more of that.  I have been blessed to have friends that are like family, and my sweet furry girls (my cats).  Some of those friends are evolving in their relationship with me, and sometimes relationships are for a season, are for many years, or for a lifetime.  Some relationships have a shelf life, and I refuse to put up with someone who takes me for granted, and for who relationships are not reciprocal.  (Note I do not say transactional... another lesson from my hoarding mother...)  I have been searching for a therapist that is trauma informed and has an understanding of being the adult child of a hoarder, the adult child of a malignant narcissist.  I will find that person, it may take time... And I may have to go out of the area to a large city to find that person.  I am willing to do that.  

I am still on the path of determining a diagnosis physically, and I go to the nationally known teaching hospital for a follow up this Friday after several really nasty and invasive tests that have been run.  We may be closer, or we may not.  I think they are still leaning towards Crohn's, and there was another discussion of attempting of ruling out MS.  Whatever happens this Friday, I look forward to knowing more.  I know this may be a process and not an event, and this has already been a 16 month journey so far.  They now suspect it is more than one issue.  I am ready to know so I can deal with it.  I am still running, I am still training and pushing myself.  I continue to live life at full volume, albeit those levels differ depending on where I am energy and healthwise.  But I will not use the excuses to 'not' like my mother does.  I can.  I will.  There is not other acceptable option.  I still plan another 1/2 marathon soon, and I am planning on an obstacle race in July.  This fall I should be ready for a full 26.2.  We will have to then see if I can jump and do an ultra.

Work is threatening my trip to southern Italy in mid September, but I am going.  If not then, SOON after.  Political changes make my job very difficult and the future of my organization is uncertain.  I do the best I can with what I have, and we will not go down without a fight.  

Life is currently not being kind to several people I care about, whether it is health, relationship, financial, or the like.  I have been in my rabbit hole of work, and I need to NOT do that, and keep reaching out.  

I have many goals over the next several months.  Onward and upward.  My next blog will have some humor, hopefully more 'From the Mouth of a Hoarder'.  

Have a great week.  And if you are in the path of Stella, stay warm and safe.

Monday, January 9, 2017

Been all-too-long! From the Mouth of a Hoarder!

Been way to serious the last few posts.  Not that my hoarding mother has stopped saying rude, racist, cruel things or things that are so simply head-banging(ly) gross, but other things have taken a higher priority.  Well, now...  An all new episode of FTMOAH!
_____________________________________
"I need to ask a gross question..."

No. Please. Wait...

"What do you know about that 'feminine wash'?  I was in the store and saw it, and I wondered if I should get it because, well, I sometimes mess myself and pee myself, and I was near an old lady who smelled like urine ...."

That is not what that is for...

"I thought it might help as I don't... [natter natter natter]...

It is feminine hygiene wash.  For your vulva.  [She continues going on about 'pissing herself'.]  Um.  Feminine wash is meant to wash one's 'hoo-haw' if one is concerned about vaginal smell... [She continues on talking over me despite several attempts that are getting heavier in the crude vernacular as I try to make her understand...] 

Now, I finally get annoyed and lost most to all of my feminist points for the day.  

....Mother, it is a wash for those who are concerned their 'cooter' smells like pussy.

... Sputtering..."Oh, I don't need that."

[Split second of hesitation] "Do you use it?"

GAHHHH! Not having this conversation with you! 

"Well, I used to douche ...."

I hung up.  NO.  No.  NO NO NOOOOONOOONOOOW!

And here is the thing.  Her personal hygiene is absolutely dreadful.  She smells really bad.  I am sure the incontinence underwear merely adds another layer to that ... fragrance?  So sad.  She smells of the hoard as well.  Since her hand surgery in late November, she has been going to a local beauty shop and getting her hair washed and set every 2-3 weeks (usually prior to a doctor's appointment).  Another group of people I should send flowers to...
_____________________________________

For those who read frequently, Dr. Wednesday, my mother's 'flying monkey' chiropractor who went to school with me is making the high dive from her pedestal.  She apparently is out of patience with my mother's high drama tactics regarding the latest surgery, and my mother considered her 'snippy' and is now ruminating that she must be 'friends' with the hated surgeon.  I am not getting in this, but I had to resist the urge to snicker like Reinfield in Young Doctor Frankenstein...
________________________________________
Nothing else rises to mind to report.  I am sure there will be more later!  On a more personal note my two elderly kitties are doing well, and I admit it is hard to type with my most recent addition to my family standing on my chest, head bunting and nibbling on my cheekbones and chin.  Hard to believe she will have been with us three months in two days.  I think she likes me- her feline sister- the jury is still out... But they seem to co-exist fairly quietly with little conflict.  I do not know if they will every be buddies, but they are not trying to kill each other.  

On the health front my appointment with the teaching hospital is this Friday.  I have been pretty sick off and on since mid December, and today was a really rough day, but January 1st I ran a 10K and kept dead on my marathon pace and ran it easily.  Looking for a 10 miler, then a 1/2 marathon, and hope to run a full this summer.  

Have a great week.  Thank you for reading!

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Post Christmas 2016

Hard to believe the holiday season is almost over.  2016 draws to a close, and although I think this has been a really hard year for many I care about, it is just a period of time.  Time itself is neutral, it is the values we assign to it that make it 'good' or 'bad'.  

Thinking about friends who have lost parents, siblings, significant others, children, beloved pets and too many other important people to list.  Thinking of the health issues that folks are facing, or have faced this year.  Including me... The health gods do not seem to be smiling on me too much.  I am in the midst of a major flare of whatever this is, and I hope to have a plan for some answers next month when I go to the teaching hospital about an hour away to start the consult process.  It has been a hard year of self discovery, introspection, and sometimes, repeating painful lessons because I just did not get them the first time, or two, or three.  I am continuing to prioritize what is important, and in that, I am letting go of what does not serve me anymore.  I have had wonderful experiences this past year, and I am planning a holiday in September abroad.  I have much to be grateful for.  
- My career and my work...  Although challenging, I love what I do.  It will most likely continue to be even more challenging in 2017, but I will rise to that challenge.  Often out of great chaos comes great opportunity.
-My sweet kitties.  I lost my two sweethearts a little less than a year apart, and I miss them daily, but I was able to honor them with adopting two special needs and elderly cats.  And I could not love them more.  I love watching them trust me more and more, and I want them to know nothing but love and happiness from this point forward.
-My health and my resilience.  Yes, I have had 'bumps' in the road but I am able to do what I value, am able to run, and to be active despite those challenges.
-My friends who are like family.  And the composition of my friendships are changing.  I am no longer making time for folks who in turn, treat me like an option.  No judgement or hard feelings, it is just priorities and lives evolve.  And I am not putting myself second any longer.  If folks are not willing to meet me part way when I make them a priority, then I will not pursue them.  I am here when they need me, and when they want to make space for me.  Until then, life goes on.  I just smile when someone says 'I haven't heard from you lately'.  Ah... that goes two ways.  Today is a new day!
-My 'gut'.  It very seldom leads me wrong, and I need to stop silencing it.  

There are many other things, but as I look at this list, I realize that for folks like my hoarding mother, hardship and adversity is a reason to ruminate, to be bitter, to be intentionally cruel, and to try to create an impenetrable wall.  I choose to not do that.  I choose to be open to new people, to novel experiences, and to use unpleasant happenings in my life as a lesson.  I refuse to get stuck.  Life is too short, and as approach age 48, I know that another 40 years is not promised, and quite bluntly, is not all that bloody likely.  I choose to live my life focused on relationships and experiences, not on things.  I keep saying life is meant to be lived at full volume.  I intend to live LOUD.  

I wish that things were different for my hoarding and/or/narcissistic family members.  I got a mushy holiday card from narcissister.  I did not hear from my niece, and my mother's estranged sister called after over 8 months of no contact.  She seems to be out of active psychosis, thankfully, but I felt like she was feeling me out to see if I was amenable to giving her any money.  Maybe not, but she seldom calls unless she wants to dump on me, to ask for information, or to ask for financial assistance.  I kept the call short and I think she was a bit puzzled as to what just happened when she hung up.

My hope is for everyone reading this that 2017 is full of opportunities, challenges, and new experiences.  I hope that this will be the year my hoarding mother develops some insight, empathy and willingness to be part of her own solution.  I know it will not happen, and I am not setting my self up for bitter disappointment, but I can still hope.

I think 'hope' is the only thing that has allowed me to draw from my resilience and persistence.  No matter what, no matter how long, it will get better.  <Sigh>

With that being said, I know I cannot change things for my hoarding mother.  And the best gift I can give myself is geographic as well as emotional distance.  I cannot change her reality, but I can shape mine in reference to hers.  And I choose to continue to maintain low contact, firm boundaries, and hope that some day, she may make a different decision.  One that does not surround her, her home, and anything she touches with toxicity.  She turned 80 this week.  A milestone birthday, which she spent alone.  Choices and behaviors have consequences.  That is hers.  I will continue to ensure that my solitude is affirming and not isolating, and I will continue to my work to grow and to heal.  

I often say that hoarding is something no one wins, and that is true.  But, if there is a silver lining of sorts, I think I have found it in gratitude, in resilience, in persistence, and in self awareness.

And so we go.  Onward and upward.  I wish each of you the best of all possible outcomes for 2017.  I keep thinking of Gretchen Rubin's paraphrased quote in the Happiness Project... 'The days are long, but the years are short.'

Thank you for reading.

Sunday, December 4, 2016

Time is passing, but some things seem not to change

I simply cannot believe it is the holiday season.  I am back from my visit to Florida, and a lovely one it was at that.  I spent Thanksgiving with friends who are like family, and spent the days in 80+ degree heat (F) and roaming the lakesides and orange groves with my friend in his new convertible sports car.  I went for lovely long runs in the sunshine, and we had our celebrations next to the pool or the fire pit.  And lots of Bloody Marys and cocktails.  I am invited back at the end of January, and I am seriously considering going.  

The kitties did well during my vacation, and as I attempt to type this I have 'help' by our newest feline family member.  It increases the challenge to write when you are receiving enthusiastic and bellowing head-butts and alternately the butt hello.  Cats.  

Anyway... From my last blog, my hoarding mother's hospitalization ended anti climatically and her cats weathered her hospitalization okay.  It was as I suspected, it was serious enough that they needed to surgically open her hand and clean out the infection, but no where near the high level of risk the 2010 cat bite was.  She was angry she was awake for her surgery, and in the two weeks post has been miserable, griping, and making everything all about her.  I am continuing to keep her on the low contact plan, and she is getting angry that when she tries to 'hype' something - often by asking alarming-yet-rhetorical questions, I respond one of three ways... I will:

  1. Not answer at all, and she will eventually go on with 'conversation'
  2. Tell her to ask her doctor, and not engage any further
  3. Tell her I am at my location and have to go
I realize she gets some perverse gain out of having a problem for every solution, so I am working to not give her any gain or reward for her behavior.  It is baffling her, and making her very, very angry.  She is continuing to report off-the-charts, intentionally cruel and scorched-earth interactions with most anyone she encounters, and I simply maintain silence.  

While I was in Florida and had a restful week of no contact, she kidnapped the two neighbor cats that the neighbors adopted, then turned outside.  They moved away a couple of weeks ago, but late last week their teenage daughter asked my mother if she had seen the cats, and my mother cheerfully lied to the young girl and let her think 'something probably happened to them as they have not been [at my mother's] to eat for several days'.  

She is an intentionally awful person.  I personally prefer that cats be kept inside for their wellbeing and safety, but my mother was despicable... If what she tells me is even true.  The neighbor that lives behind her was in Florida when she was in the hospital, and returned after I did.  I am not sure if she has any additional information, or even knows my mother was in the hospital.

I am in a weird place, one of impending transition.  I am looking to the future.  I have no intention of leaving my current home or position anytime soon, but it will happen in the nearer-yet-somewhat-remote future.  I plan on going where it is warm.  Little to no snow so I can enjoy the outdoor activities I participate in comfortably all year long.  I am also looking at where I am in my career, and what is next.  I would like to have space for hobbies, more relationships, and possibly, a romantic relationship if the right person enters my life and shares what is important.  None of which can happen now, and it is not a complaint, it is just the way it is.  For now.  

I need to see what shakes out at the federal, state and local level for my organization and the social justice and civil rights movements I hold dear.  I need to figure out my health issues and the best way to address those challenges once I have a diagnosis and a plan.  I need to get back into my training plan for a marathon and hopefully, an ultra marathon.  I also need to continue my internal work of healing from nearly a lifetime of abuse.  Right now I am straddling two worlds, the one I occupy now and the one I wish to inhabit soon.  

I was at a friend's home and her lovely mother did a Tarot reading for each of us.  I do not believe in such things, but did it for entertainment value and to have a different perspective to think about.  From the reading my inability to allow failure, my trauma and turning away from family, my surrogate family of my best friend, and my contemplation of my next chapter in life were all discussed.  And any of those cards and interpretations could lend themselves to any person, but I continued to think about the work I am doing, the toll it is taking on my health and my life, and that I am already deep in the exploration and planning process for the next steps.  

Just some things to think about.  Now, back to work, and this week is a long and busy one.  I do not foresee a slow down until mid to later January, but that is the holiday season.  The holidays are hard for me in many ways, but I am lucky to have the people I do in my life.  I need to stop allowing work to co-opt precious time with them.  I also need to consciously spend less time with, or avoid those who drain me.  

Have a great week, and just in case I am not back before whatever holiday you celebrate, if you choose to celebrate any of them, I will wish you the best.

Sunday, November 13, 2016

The Angry Sound of Silence

As I write this, I am listening to Disturbed's version of 'The Sound of Silence' on repeat.  Fitting for this week, and the latest with my hoarding mother.  You can listen to this for yourself here.  

It has been a bit since I last posted, so a bit of catch up.  My burgeoning relationship ended, not with a bang, but a whimper.  And I am not sad... Just sad at the perception of the loss of something.  All I will say is when someone states that they are a covert narcissist, believe them and run, do not walk, away.  Which I did, and I am probably all-to-good at doing.  I am not going to be treated as someone's toy whatever that they have on a shelf until they are ready to take me down and interact with me.  I deserve so much more than that.  And if someone is not able to swim a moat and fight a few alligators to earn my trust, than so be it.  I, again, realize that I am very complete and happy on my own.

Healthwise I have a new appointment at the clinic, and this is now for early January.  This is not great, since the original auto immune issue first raised its head in early November of last year, but I am closer than I have ever been.  It is what it is.  If this is Crohns, I am in a full blown flare right now.  It has been wretched, and it appears I may have had a mild case of the flu or a really bad cold last week.  I am on the mend, and I ran my first 5K since last December.  My time was respectable for me, and it was a HILLY course.  Today was supposed to be my first marathon, but I will continue training and plan for the spring.  I realize I must get a grasp on what is happening with my health before I really can push how I need to in order to do this.  Goal deferred, not denied.  I will do it before I am 50.  There is no 'try', there is only 'do'.  For me, what the mind plans, the body follows.  

One of the most divisive and ugly Presidential elections occurred this month.  And I have been in a walking state of disbelief and grief over the increase in hate acts and negativity.  

Work has been stressful, with me working way too much, and socializing, sleeping, and spending time with my precious cats way too little.  A 12 hour day is the norm.  

This all sets the stage for my mother.  In 2010 she was bitten by one of her pet cats and ended up in emergency surgery to save her hand and her life.  That was the last time I was in her home.  She later revised the story to she was digging in the garden, but who knows what the truth is.  And it was a truly horrible experience for yours truly.  One I will not repeat.  Well... She did.  Allegedly, last Thursday she did what appears to be an almost exact replay.  On Saturday afternoon while I am on a run I get a call from a nearby town to my hoarding mother, and I (correctly) guessed it was from her. I called her Friday afternoon and she was telling me how she did not know if she would survive a situation she found herself in, the whole high drama thing. The upshot is, she was screwing around in old wood, etc. that has been piled outside her hell-hole for 10 years or better late Thursday night (because this is what every immune suppressed, frail, walks-with-a-cane hoarder of nearly 80 years old does, DUH!) and said something stuck her finger, and she bled profusely. She went in, cleaned it out with H2O2 and used a leftover antibiotic cream, it got worse in a hurry, She disregarded the advice of the AARP tele-nurse she called to go to the emergency care unit, and instead waited until the next day to go to a local urgent care walk in clinic, where, of course, she did not tell them the entire story and was woefully undertreated. She was complaining of the 'worst pain in her life' and other types of drama. I suspected a spider bite, or a snake bite. She immediately poo-poohed that, and we ended the call.


Back to the call today. I headed out for a mid-range to longer run and my phone rings. Through deductive reasoning, I was correct she was in the ECU and was being kept for treatment. Of course, she kept hanging up on me, then got pissed when I could not take her number as I was on a run and was about 3 miles from home in cornfields. After about 10 calls for a duration of a minute, all I know is she is being kept, and she does not want me to come. Good thing, because I am not. It was 2 1/2 hours later, before I heard anything other than she gave me a direct number to call her back, and it was not a good number.  She stated her cell phone was out of battery power and she did not have a charger, and I had to call back on the cell and she did give me a room number so I could call the main number and be connected.  She will not ask for the direct number.  

I was bad and went out to dinner with a friend and she called multiple times, and kept complaining.  I told her I would call her later when I returned home.  I did so, and she was angry that she had been in the room for blah-blah time and had not seen anyone, and the upshot was, everyone was supposed to drop everything at this hospital and attend to her.  She was threatening to leave and drive herself to hospitals 45 and 60 minutes away and going over the ridiculous top as she does.  She also was freaking out about stupid things, and some legitimate things, but all were a 'CAPITAL-E-EMERGENCY'.  Things like:
  • She had not eaten since Thursday night.
  • The 5 cats were in the bathroom and would have no food for however long, but do have water.
  • Her outdoor cats would not be fed.
  • No outside lights are on, so the neighbor hood thieves will break in, and she left her credit card on the counter! Horrors!  (In the stage 5 hoard... cough cough)
  • The paper will be delivered, further advertising she is not there!
  • Her car is in the Emergency Room lot.
And the list goes on.  My heart is with her cats, but she refuses any option to get someone in the house.  One cat takes heart meds and glaucoma meds.  


I am PISSED. She knows I am flying to FL to see friends for Thanksgiving, and that work has been killing me, I have a health issue I am trying to get to the bottom of (likelihood of Crohn's plus a large amount of fluid in my pelvis).

I am just fed up. And feeling less than empathetic. And I know in my home area in Appalachia, I am going to be the asshole no matter what, so let me be it.  Late last night she called and stated that she was having surgery this morning, but again gave me no ability to call in.  I waited until 12:30 pm and called her room, and she was back and furious.  They had not put her out but had done a nerve block, her arm was still 'dead', she had not eaten, and she was throwing a fit on multiple levels and doing nothing to be part of her solution.  Worse, she kept saying 'someone has come in, call me back in 2 minutes or so' and after about 4 times of this, I did not call her back.

I did try to check on her at 8pm, but she did not answer.  I will try again in the morning, but I am truly close to the end of my endurance.  She has not made any plans for her, her safety, her cats, their well being, and although I am sure her phone was not intentional (unless she is not telling the truth about the charge level, which is possible) she does everything to get in her own way.

Sorry for the long rant.  I am so beaten down by this.  It is just a matter of time before she starts ravaging me, and I predict if and when she does, it will be for the last time.  I simply am done.  And this is not going to end well.  And the other piece?  I have grants due TOMORROW that I have not worked on due to the constant interruptions and the low level of focus and bandwidth I have.

Thank goodness for my precious kitties, and my friends.  This too will pass, but my patience is wearing thin.  As I have said... Her trauma history is not her fault.  Her mental illness, not her fault.  Her intentional cruelty and manipulation, her refusal to be part of her own solution, even part way, THAT is what I hold her accountable for.

Good night all.  Onward and upward.  I hope.