Sunday, October 9, 2016

An update and a bit of introspection...

How did it become mid October already?  Six and seven day work weeks putting in 60-80 hours a week is catching up with me.  This is a temporary thing, I had a staff member who went out early on Maternity leave, and we have many wrap up reporting things, new grant things, and new projects going on.  Such is life, and I hope things will pause for a moment in November.

I missed both half marathons due to work.  I am in the midst of another 'flare' of whatever this health issue is, and I am not sure my 26.2 is going to happen in mid November.  I will keep training and trying, however.  Sometimes life progress is not linear, it is the cha-cha.  I seem to be in the 'two steps back' phase.

My hoarding mother continues to wreak misery on anyone unwise enough to engage her or be within eye-view, sadly.  Her behavior continues to be selfish, self centered, and intentionally cruel.  She is consumed by resentment and paranoia, and she is simply unable to entertain any perspective but her own.  She cannot give anyone the benefit of the doubt, and does not have any understanding that folks are complex, are not singularly natured.  It is hard to tell what is even rooted in a bit of reality, and it makes me sad.  She did not ask for her trauma history, her mental illnesses... but she steadfastly refuses to be part of any solution.  

I keep thinking about her inability to be close to people.  How she alienates folks, engages in scorched earth reactions, and has no idea of boundaries or that other people exist independently of her and her wants.  

And I keep thinking of my challenges in trusting, allowing intimacy, and my current dating challenges. The person I am seeing is hanging on, barely, I think.  We have had the intimacy/trust conversation, and I think much of it is with all the stress (good and bad!) that is happening in my life at the moment I simply do not have the bandwidth to push through this.  He may simply be the right guy at the wrong time.  The question is... will there ever be a right time?  Will I allow that to happen?  

I did not adopt the Sphinx kitten, but tomorrow I pick up a 13 year kitty I filled out adoption papers on.  Her story tore my heart open, and I think my 14 year old rescue kitty needs a companion.  

I have been re-evaluating relationships and what is important.  I find my inner circle is shrinking, but the folks that are in that core group have great depth and my trust.  Maybe the person I am seeing is simply not there yet.  Maybe this is a marathon and not a sprint.  

I am making some small changes to try to get my health back in balance.  I do not have any answers as of yet, but considering I have had two flares pretty quickly, one right on top of the other, tells me that I am not dealing with stress as well as I would like to think.

I know I use work as a shield, and to insulate myself from pain.  I know that I have issues to address, and that trust will always be tough for me.  I know that I tend to focus on other things, putting everything else ahead of myself.  I also know I tend to be oh-so-critical of myself, and I need to cut myself a break.

Small steps, one day at a time.  I deserve that much!

Have a great evening.

Hoarding, no one wins.