Thursday, April 24, 2014

The disjointed natterings of hoardy-speak...

I should be going to bed, but work is crazy and full of impossible deadlines, as is my personal life right now.  Preparing for a fiscal agent monitoring, multiple grant deadlines, meetings, many responsibilities from Boards I sit on (including cooking a fundraiser from 11:30am to 10pm tomorrow) and running a 5 mile race on Saturday morning.  

But... what I am thinking about?  The crazy that traveled via satellite and via technology out the speakers of my Bluetooth enabled car.

In a 20 minute call she:

  1. Wanted to know how to measure herself for one of those 'sports bra things' to wear around the house to be loose.  The woman seldom wears a bra now, and when she crosses her arms, there is a nipple peeking from under each elbow.  YOU ARE WELCOME!  She also proceeded to tell me that for such small wrists, she has such a large chest!  Why, if you measure her at her rib care the difference between that measurement and the fullest part of her bust is nearly 7 inches!  HUGE!  ...NOT...  She has no understanding of types of sports bras, their purpose, XS, S, M, L, XL sizing, and how to dress or fit her body since she intentionally wears her clothing about 6 sizes too loose.
  2. Asked about a 'no-no thing' which is some sort of hair removal device.  She attempted to get started on the hair on her lip and the hair on her breasts discussion, and I shut that down.
  3. Tried to discuss her bowel issues and how eating yogurt has helped... Shut that down too.
  4. Asked many invasive questions about friends, income speculation of her neighbors, health issues, and was shut down.
  5. She started ruminating on her estranged sister and despite seeing the physical abuse her sister suffered at the hands of her violent and abusive ex husband, she asserted that she does not believe any of it, that her sister brought it on herself.  I really hit the roof, and told her that I was not having that discussion, change the subject.  For readers that do not know, I work in the anti-interpersonal violence field, and she grew up in domestic violence, and married it a time or two, so she should know it when she sees it.  Just vile.
  6. She wants a sensor light with an infrared camera that has a motion alarm that is klaxon loud.  Uh huh.
  7. She is torturing all the local landscaping vendors trying to get estimates on her overgrown, hoarded yard.
  8. I mentioned I was leaving a dinner engagement with a friend and we shared a bottle of wine.  She immediately began freaking out that I would get pulled over, go to jail, lose my job...  When I advised her it was two pours over 2 1/2 hours with lots of food, she retorted that she knows nothing about booze and boozing.  Yep.  That is me.  The boozer...  Ugh.
That was just a small sampling.  Some of the things made me dry retch as I was driving.  Some of it just was so paranoid, and so worst case scenario and scorched earth reactive that all I could do was just drive in silence.  She has few if any boundaries, and she has very few subjects that she discusses, most are repetitive, unsavory, TMI, pick-your-descriptor. 

I have said it before, and I say it again.  This is not going to end well.  And when I told her that I did not want to discuss her perception of her sister's singular (evil according to her) nature and her lack of ability to see anyone outside her own frame of perception, she changed the subject eagerly.  

I suspect I have just given her the next topic to sharpen to attempt to get under my skin.  I strongly recommend that she resist that urge, as this will not go the way she sees it... I guarantee that.  

Have a great night everyone.  Thanks for reading.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Oh YES... It is that time... It is time for... FROM THE MOUTH OF A HOARDER!

Quite the varied list today, and these little gems are just from the past week.  I think the thing that is becoming more and more evident is the phenomena that many COH's refer to as 'hoardy speak', 'verbal vomiting', 'verbal diarrhea' or any other vernacular... it all describes the same types of self centered monologues that jump from ill defined segues to seemly unrelated topics. 

So, here we go.  FTMOAH for you...
"Do your cats get 'crusts' in their eyes? [Without pausing for a response] Well Lulu came over and I noticed [I will spare you the painful, obtuse, awkward description of eye hockey] so I got a hold on her and got a Kleenex and ever so slightly and slowly pulled on it and there was a tube of mucus attached the diameter of a pin!  Like a straight pin!  And there was no hair in it..."

I am not discussing 'mucus' with you.  What else would you like to talk about?

"Well, I could not believe how much mucus..."

Okay then!  Talk to you later. Buh bye.
"Well, they brought a TRAILER in next door.  It is an old one, and I think where they put it it is over the old septic tank the [previous neighbors] stopped using [in 1985 when the sewer came through] and won't that be a bigger mess!  I swear... "

Not your concern, and if you did not want that you could have purchased the property.  And honestly, you know nothing about these folks, and it is not like a trailer is going to hurt the property values in that neighborhood much since there are several within sight.

"Who wants to live in a TRAILER PARK?!?!?  I wonder what the zoning is because I just bet..."

Change the subject.  It is not like the neighborhood hosts Buckingham Palace, and honestly that neighborhood has seriously declined.  Honestly, the trailer might improve things.  

"What do you mean?"

Go outside and take a look at your fence, and your property, then ask me that again.

"You know how I thought there were no kids?  I saw a couple walking to the bus!  It is soooo STRANGE!  You do not see anyone out!  I do not know who those kids belong to!"

You have to interact with people to know them.

"I just want to be left alone!"

"I saw a guy walking with headphones in, and he was walking fast!  He was so big!  He was easily 400 pounds and I am sure he could not walk far... [clucking her tongue disapprovingly]"

Change the subject please.  You cannot necessarily gauge someone's health, strength, endurance by weight.  And fat shaming someone?  No thank you.

She is really getting worse, and more and more negative.  

Hoarding, no one wins.  No one.  

Thank you for reading...

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Bang... bang... bang... That is the sound of my head repeatedly striking my desk.

This week I have been graced with two calls from my mother's sister, who is also on the hoarding scale and shows the narcissistic behavior common to many severe hoarders, without the immediate cruelty.  She has to be 'provoked' but she has integrated the whole 'revenge' or vigilante outlook that is characteristic of my mother.  But that is another story, for another time.

For those of you who have not read before, I have very few surviving relatives.  Sadly, the ones I do have, almost all of them demonstrate behavior consistent with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Hoarding, and also show power/control/addictive features.  The only time one of them contacts me is when they want something.  Money.  Information. To dump some bit of unpleasantness to further whatever secondary agenda they have going.  It is simply exhausting.  A gentleman I used to see for a few months once asked how it was possible that I turned out the way I did with the outlook I have, when my family is so manipulative.  That is easy... I had an intervening adult... my paternal grandmother.  Without her, I would have been lost. 

But anyway, late last week my aunt calls.  'Mimsy' goes on and on about this refinancing she has to do since the bank messed up her attempt and now her payment is higher, etc.  She also had to get a loan to do repairs on her 20 year old minivan, and the cost of the repairs honestly exceed the actual cash value of the van.  She speaks in the rapid fire verbal vomiting common to hoarders, and I have honestly done other things and not said a word for an hour, two hours...  She finally got to the point and asked me for money.  She only has $67 after her bills are paid each month for gas and food, etc.  

I have no problem helping someone that needs it, if my assistance is going to allow them to return to self sufficiency, or levy other resources.  This is not that case, as she is 70 years old and has a 20 year mortgage and is on Social Security.  She is living beyond her means.  I advised her that I would consider it AFTER we met, and I reviewed her income, her expenses, her eligibility for assistance like heating and electric assistance, food banks, and eligibility for subsidized housing, as her health does not allow her to care for the house she has.  

That was not popular, and the call ended pretty quickly after that offer.

Today, the phone rings and I snagged it.  It was nearly 11am.  She was fast talking and panicked.  She immediately asked if she woke me up.  Um... NO.  I get up between 5am - 6am every morning, working or not.  I was getting ready for a run.  I shared I ran my first 5K race post-op from the major health crisis I had this summer/fall.  She has no frame of reference, and immediately moved on to why she was calling.  Her bank might need an appraisal, and she does not know how she would pay for it, since they will not allow it to be rolled into the principle of the loan.  She was starting to hem and haw, trying to figure out how to ask.  I advised her that she should talk to her loan officer and ask about options for a credit increase on her credit card, or getting a signature loan.  That was not what she had in mind.  She was going to ask me to pay it, and she could 'pay me back'.  Um... NO.  I reiterated my offer to help her explore options and to develop a meaningful budget that is supported by social service programs she is eligible for.  She declined.  

The call ended relatively quickly again.  My 1/2 sister used to pull this type of crap too.  It simply amazes me how naive they assume me to be, that I cannot see their grooming efforts and their machinations.  There is a reason I live hours away from all of them.  Apparently, even to them, I do not exist as a separate human being with goals, dreams, desires... I am simply an Ativan salt lick, an emotional tampon, or worse, an ATM.

Thank goodness for the family I have created... because my maternal family is incapable of having reciprocal relationships, everything for them is transactional, and singular in nature.  Sadly, the few remaining on my dad's side are in their 80's, frail, and I simply do not know them.  I choose to live hours away, and if anything, I will move FARTHER AWAY at the time I choose to leave this area.  My health, my happiness, and my emotional quotient all depend on keeping firm boundaries and lots of space between my mother and her family.

Hoarding.  No one wins.  No one.  Thank you for reading!  

Meme time again, sent to me by readers!