Sunday, March 27, 2016

Easter Sunday- 2016

I am embarrassed that it has been almost 2 months since my last post.  No excuse for it, I have once again allowed my work/life balance to get out of whack, and although much of this is really a one time thing, I realized that I have done what I always do when the situation with my hoarding mother and my narcissistic family erupts, I put my head down and I simply WORK.  And that is what I have done.

Now, in the midst of opening a new program at work, moving our Admin offices to a new location and having multiple grant deadlines and EOQ reporting deadlines looming I am still training for races, so two priorities have emerged... work and running.  And my cats are always a priority!  

Today is the observance of Easter in the US.  Other than a nearly 10 mile run, I have not been off the place, have not worked (or not much anyway!) and have spent a lovely day cuddling with my cats, cooking lovely healthy food and had wine with dinner.  My day has been peaceful.  I have napped in my favorite chair, caught up with emails, and rested as the next week will be a descent into moving and deadline hell.  The thing I have done, however, is use work to shield from friends and have not had a lot of interaction with them.  I have to say that most of my friends understand my chaotic work schedule, and at times, I disappear for a while, but it is simply not fair to them.  And some of them have going through rough times this year, and because I was immersed in work, or dealing with my own issues, I feel I was not the friend I could be.  I will simply HAVE to change that. Must.  

From the family front, I occasionally get a call from my mother's sister, my hoarding aunt who is in the process of decompensating.  She calls to tell me things like the neighbor has cameras and technology in her house and car, and he is playing music to her, and watching her and harassing her, etc.  She claims my narcissistic sister is at the heart of it, and her delusions are on par with her limited and dated understanding of technology.  She has now decided that the psychotic break she had last May was not a medication interaction, but a hologram by this neighbor.  Ugh.  She is called the police constantly, so I am hoping that action will be taken by them to get her into care if she continues to deteriorate.  Like my mother, she has pushed everyone away.  She calls, and blows my phone up by hanging up and calling back tens of hundreds of times if I do not answer, which effectively blocks my phone from any other calls (like work since I am on call 24/7/365) and my response has been to answer and let her pontificate and end the call when I can.  Other than 'hello' and 'I have to go' I do not have to say anything.  Luckily, my narcissister is otherwise occupied, as is my niece so I do not have that level of drama right now, however, I suspect since my birthday is coming up I will hear from them.  

With all of that, my hoarding mother has continued to decline as well, and it is terrifying to watch her and her estranged sister progress down a parallel track of mental illness, paranoia, narcissism, and decompensation.  She is convinced the neighbor is sneaking in, and she too, like her sister, has alienated almost every physician in a small rural area and is now having issues get her prescriptions refilled and is having doctors who are referred refuse her as a patient because of her behavior in the past.  Her ability in creating a revisionist history amazes me, and again, I simply do not know what is true and what is not.

Next month I will be traveling to my home state for a conference, and last April I tried to see her and she declined.  I really have no intention of making an effort to see her this time.  Now, I know I may feel differently... Maybe I should read the entries from the end of April last year and the beginning of May to refresh my memory if I start to waver...  I do not need a helping of misery.  I continue to keep my contact very, very low, as going no contact would kick off a hate campaign of crazy that I do not have the time or energy to deal with right now.  

The other thing that has become apparent to me is I continue to put others first, and I have rescheduled my doctor's appointment to get to the root of the autoimmune issues I am having and the fact that I tried to push on in spite of having Type B Influenza earlier this month (before I knew I had it).  I have also rescheduled an initial appointment with a therapist, but I have the doctor's appointment and the therapist appointment in May.  Last May was a hard month with Mother's Day being so close to my birthday, interference and guilt from 'flying monkeys' of my mother's, and other things.  I was in a very lonely and isolated place a year ago.  I want to be prepared this go around.  

I am doing okay.  I could always do better, and that is what I want to do.  I do not want to get into the mindset of 'good enough' as I see how well that serves dysfunction.  And we all know I have seen plenty of THAT.

Have a great week everyone.  Thank you for reading.