Monday, April 9, 2018

A little light in my life went out today.

About 2 hours ago I put my sweet gray kitty to sleep.  She been declining, and the vet confirmed she was in pain, and anything we did would most likely, at best, have very short term results that would mask the underlying condition, if they worked at all.  I am in shock, but after discussion with my vet, it was the kindest option for my sweet girl.  I held her the whole time.  I have sobbed intermittently and paced, stressing my other old girl out a bit.  She fierce, she was full of sass, and she loved me.  I am heartbroken.  I will miss her headbunts, her raspy voice, and her scowls when things did not go the way she thought they should.  I will miss turning on and off faucets for her, and her startling me sitting in strange locations.  I will miss her.  Now my other cat and I have to adjust to a new normal without her.  I worry that my other kitty will miss her, and will be lonely.  I dread going to bed without her.  She would manage to hog the bed, and I wondered how 8 pounds of cat could cause me and the other cat to wake up on the edge of the bed.

I also am overwhelmed by my friends and their kindness. Texts, emails, calls, social media responses and comments... Three of my friends ordered dinner delivered to my from my favorite (Vietnamese) restaurant, and figured out what I like from pictures.  I had not even thought of food, and most likely would have gone to bed (if I do that tonight) without eating.  I am so grateful.  I am SO grateful.  I do not know what I do to deserve the wonderful people in my life, and I do not take a single one of them for granted.

I spoke to my hoarding mother today.  I mentioned that I was worried about my kitty and headed home to check on her.  This launched a monologue about the last kitty she lost.  She called as I was driving to work to pick up my laptop and returning home to spend time with my kitty before our emergency vet visit.  

You know who has not called to check in to see how the visit went?  My hoarding mother.  Honestly, I am thankful for that, but it reinforces how perverse her relationship dynamic is with me.  And the outpouring of support and love for me and my kitty?  She would have little frame of reference since relationships are transactional, not reciprocal.  I will most likely wait a few days before I check in because I just CANNOT.  Earlier this week she was alleging someone came into her yard and dug a hole near her storage building (to pry a panel off and steal from it...) and they stole the dirt from the hole.  Really.  She then asked her neighbor to set up a baby monitor to listen since she can't hear well.  The neighbor said no...  The neighbor called me, it was not a baby monitor, but a driveway alarm.  These folks work, and would like to sleep at night!  When telling this, she was indignant that they refused, and I told her they should, that is intrusive and an inconvenience.  

Wow.  Just wow.

Back to working on my presentation for tomorrow.  I have to say I am having a hard time working on it as my heart is not in it.  I also found out that I am being recognized at the end of the month for my work in anti-violence.  I did mention it to her, and her response was, "Why would they honor you?  Did you ask for it?"

Le sigh.

Have a good evening.  Please hug those who are important to you a bit tighter when you see them, human, feline, canine ... (As long as they consent!)

Hoarding, no one wins.  No one.

Sunday, April 1, 2018

What is important...

Sorry, this may be brief.   I have been in grant mode, and of course, that caused my tendonitis to flare.  I got the all clear on Thursday, and yesterday my elbow has done little but yell at me.  Not the end of the world, but an annoyance nonetheless.  

I just about 'went there' with my hoarding mother.  She has not escalated to the point she was mid-month, all though she is still talking about the neighbor's break ins and her problems with the house, still claiming that there is electrical problems/lack of power in the house and garage, no hot water/gas, and the water is shut off to her bathroom/shower (there is only one bathroom in the house).  If this is true.  IF.  I have not talked to her neighbor lately because I just do not need another level of crap... Not the neighbor's, she is lovely, but more machinations of my mother's that will come back to me that way.  Midweek last week I gave her a call to check in, and she was in a weird mood (and that is saying something) and stated that she went to the funeral home to check about prepaying her funeral expenses (something that she alleged she had done years ago...).  The funeral home is a reputable one, it handled both my paternal grandmother's funeral arrangements and my father's 30 and 29 years ago, respectively.  What she wants is going to be $6,500 and with 'discounts' she will pay $5,700.  She plans on being transported to the funeral home, embalmed, placed in the casket and buried next to my father.  She will not have a viewing, a funeral, and does not want an obituary or the dates carved on the stone.  I have only heard this 3,000,000 times in roughly 20 years.  Maybe 4,000,000.  

She then asked if I talk to my half sister.  I repeated that I do not talk to anyone, she is it.  I am not mean, I just do not answer and I am not interested in pursuing a relationship.  She started yelling at me that she "does not want [narc-sister, my niece, her narc-sister and her narc-niece] to be told ANYTHING".  I lost my shit.  (Probably not helped by 16 hour workdays and lack of sleep).  I forcefully interrupted her and told her that I had heard this 3 million times, and I HAVE GOT IT.  Set up [her] plans, no one is going to 'be informed' or have 'access' to her estate such-as-it-is.  I asked WHY she feels the need to have this discussion over and over, and quite bluntly, I expect if she follows through on her planning, that she will embalmed and planted before I am aware.  I informed her that she has created a life that no one is going to push for these things, as funerals are for the living.  

She was aghast.  Sputtering, and I took the wind out of whatever storm she was whipping herself into.  I got off the phone.  I am not playing these games anymore.  She overestimates her importance to most everyone I suspect.  And I do not plan on ever going home again.  

I did call on Friday (because I am a chump) and she was subdued but talking to me.  She began talking about her nasty feet, her moles, and trimming her pubic hair.  GAH!  I got off the phone.  She briefly asked about my sick kitty, and used her to talk about her last cat's death.  It has been a difficult couple of weeks, and Friday morning I ended up taking my sweet girl to the vet.  She is having a reaction to one of the meds.  The vet discontinued the most likely culprit, and I am to reintroduce the med at 1/2 dose in three weeks, if we make it that far.  This is risky, and it does not seem to have helped the reaction 2 days out.  She has lost 4 oz, and she is a tiny cat so that is nothing to sneeze at, and she is vomiting quite a bit.  I am afraid we are coming to the end.  It was a truly horrible visit for her, and stressed her out.  I learned that the treatments she needs for her arthritis and her respiratory issue will impact her heart, so she cannot have them.  If she has a flare that throws her into a systemic infection, we are done.  She will also not be able to have her pain treatments for her arthritis, so she is grumpy and stiff in the mornings and when she has been still.  As I write this, she is on the desk giving me kitty kisses and then romping off to play with her toy in the other room.  This will be tough on both of us, not to mention her kitty-sister.

I have to make a decision as to whether I will go to a conference in my home state, and I am leaning towards no.  When I travel it stresses the cats immensely, and I cannot imagine being gone for 4-5 days.  I will try to find CEUs elsewhere.  And frankly, I really do not want the proximity to my hometown.  I renewed the lease on my place, as I think the stress of moving would do my fragile kitty in.  

My hoarding mother has established her priorities.  I have mine, and I will erect and maintain boundaries to ensure mine are not ripped asunder by her manufactured drama.  

Hoarding, no one wins.  No one.  

Taking my sweet kitties to bed, they are summoning me.  Have a good week everyone.  Thank you for reading.