Tuesday, November 4, 2014

A call I have been dreading...

Oh ye gods.  I got a phone call I have been dreading.  Nothing imminent for my hoarding mother, but still a call no one wants to get.

My hoarding mother's neighbor called me today.  Asked if I have spoken to my mother recently, and proceeded to tell me that she has concerns regarding my mother's deteriorating mental health, outlook, and has concerns that she may be in early stage dementia.  My mother will be... 78?  79?  For the sake of conversation let's say 79 on Christmas Day.  

I have noticed the decline, the increase in revisionist history, and what seems to be increasing forgetfulness in our 3 or so phone calls a week.  

I also know that there is nothing that I can, or she will allow me to do, that will help this situation.  It is simply heartbreaking.

The neighbor stated, "I hate to say this, but it would be easier on you, on her, on EVERYONE if she just drops over dead rather than requiring placement in a facility for care."  

No pressure.  Ugh.  I cannot do anything, and I will not be sucked into this.  Unfortunately my mother made many decisions years ago that will adversely impact her now.  Decisions like:

  • Driving everyone away who has ever cared about her or tried to help
  • Isolating herself behind a level 5 hoard and time after time, choosing the stuff and her need for power and control over addressing her issues
  • Using me for narcissistic supply if I would allow her to- she sees me only as an extension of herself, not as the individual with rights and feelings that I am
Sorry for such a downer after my happy blog...  Onward I go.  I choose to protect myself, and to ensure my quality of life is what I deserve.  I cannot want it more than she wants it for herself, and I cannot fix this for her.

Thanks for reading.


  1. Thinking of you--this is such a difficult situation. Stay strong!

  2. Thank you Valerie.

    I spoke to her a couple of days later (without letting her know the neighbor and I speak, of course) and she volunteered that she 'forgot' the detail the neighbor called me about.

    It is so hard to tell what the real story/issue is...

    Thanks for reading!


  3. Uncomfortable situation indeed. Keep your chin up. Remember, she is not a reflection of you - and vice versa (my neurosis). It was actually very nice of the neighbor to open communication.

    I AM SO SORRY! You are a wonderful person. Focus on that.

  4. Thank you!!!! Trying, trying, TRYING to keep boundaries set.

    Hoarding... no one wins... The same can be said for extreme narcissism.

    Have a great weekend!