Monday, December 21, 2015

Can I just hide for a bit?

Today is the Monday before Christmas.  It has been Monday all day, if you know what I mean.  Not all bad, but intense and full of ups and downs.

Today I got a call from my hoarding mother as I was within 10 minutes of the office.  I told her I was almost to work, and I would call her when I started home this evening.  And I did, post doctor's appointment with the chiropractor.  I knew that I would hear from her since it had been a few days since we last spoke.  

She was in a ruminating mood, and first she said that she got a poundcake in her mailbox which is most likely from the lovely couple she went scorched earth on since they dared to try to improve the dirt road they all reside on.  I did not comment or give any feedback, and she progressed to accusing the hated neighbor 'in the turn' of stealing a scale from her laundry room and hanging it on his porch, stealing a chair from the attic of the hoarded garage and putting it in his flower bed, and stealing a wind chime set and putting on his porch as well.  Oh- and he stole a wooden ladder from her that against his garage.  I told her we were done on that topic, if she felt he engaged in theft to call the police, and if not, it was all speculation and not worth the headspace.  She then said she wished he would "move to [the city where his brother lived] and get a job as a pizza delivery driver and run from the police".  The hated neighbor lost his brother several months ago.  His brother relapsed, and while out delivering pizza ran from the police and was killed in the pursuit, he was shot fatally.  Just an absolutely hateful and shitty thing to say.  I advised her we were done on the topic, and that was simply enough.  I ended the call, grabbed some dinner at the local taqueria and went home.  

There I found some lovely holiday cards, I have the best friends anyone could ask for.  One sent a card from my kitties to 'Mom Grey'.  Then I got to the final two, and they were from my sister and my mother's sister.  And I felt like a set of cinder blocks dropped on my shoulders.  My sister's card was over the top sentimental, and I got the "I love and miss you" stuff.  Yeah.  Actions speak so much louder than words.  My aunt's card was full of scrawled writing still going on about the incident in May where she called the police on my sister, and a whole lot of paranoid craziness.

I just can't.  Cannot.  Will not.  I am in a really strange place where I simply need to withdraw from all of them, and I have decided that it is time to seek a therapist that understands hoarding to work through whatever this is.  I cannot remember feeling this tired ... and I cannot even describe how I feel right now.  I find joy in my job, my friends, my cats, my hobbies, but for some reason this is a quagmire.  

I am not sure what is happening.  I was a bit low this past birthday, and I was glad when it passed.  I just want this holiday season to be over so they will not have the usual excuse to reach out and give me a poke.  

I have some decisions to make.  Nearly 20 years ago I essentially estranged myself for self preservation and so I could have a shot at a life.  I think what is happening now is my willingness to deal with the narcissistic behavior of those who are supposed to love me, but only see me as an extension of what they want to happen, is getting very depleted.  Is this what the space before the jump into no contact feels like?  

I have created a safe and quiet life for myself, and yes, work is exceptionally stressful and very busy, and my side business is booming, my friendships remain a key support for me, as do my fuzzy family members... my cats.

Why am I allowing these folks who are related by biology but not necessarily affinity to send me into a tailspin?  Enough.  Just enough.  If they keep pushing me, I will just *poof* on them.  I am good at that, sadly.  

Sorry for a whiny and rather repetitive post.  I will post a humorous one soon.  Have a great holiday if, and how, you choose to celebrate.  

Thank you for reading.  


  1. Never feel sorry for getting something off your chest. It's a huge burden you carry. As one who had to go limited contact with mother long ago and no contact with other family members, I know it's a really crappy headspace to be in. All the holiday adverts, people going on about family at xmas doesn't help. It's good you are reaching out to counseling. See how that goes. It's been amazing you have still been there for those who have such major psychological problems. I hope the counseling will help clear your mind and be able to decide what you need to do.

  2. Dear Lisabeth, years before any of us even heard the term "information super highway" (internet) there were more than enough comments which associated holidays-with-family with crowded-rooms-and-blaring-tv-sets. Yeah, actions do speak louder than words. Alot of loud tv sets, and that indicates what is most important in many families. i will be enjoying another quiet (tv-free) Christmas. i wish you an enjoyable Christmas too.

  3. Wishing you peace and joy this Christmas, and throughout the New Year. I think you are coming closer to the time when you will be able to shut the door to the misery of the past and fully embrace the future, without hesitation or guilt. You will be free. Blessings to you and your fur family.

  4. Blukats:

    Thank you so much. I am on the list for a therapist that is good with trauma and understands adult children of addicts. I am hoping this works. Due to my insurance I have to have a PhD provider, and one declined me because I have trained her in trauma response. Whoops! I had to laugh at that! Thank you for your support and reading. I am feeling much better, and one day at a time...


    Thank you for your well wishes. I had a lovely holiday. I spent Christmas eve with my friend and we did her traditional 'Jewish Christmas' of food and a movie, and Christmas day I had the pleasure of spending it with my best friend and his family. That evening I went to another friends house for what they call 'the Misfit Toys Christmas" and played LCR and Cards Against Humanity a good portion of the night. My holiday was full of friends and fun, and I was glad I had them and allowed myself to reach out and to participate in their traditions. I needed to be busy with something other than work. I was nice.


    Thank you so much. ((Hugs)). I think I am getting closer to going no contact each day. I know before it gets better, it often gets worse. I am prepared to weather the storm, and my fur babies bring me so much joy. They had a big Christmas and had a ball with their new toys. Happy New Year to you!

    Thank you everyone. I am looking forward to 2016. I hope this will be a positive and transformative year.