Monday, December 21, 2015
Can I just hide for a bit?
Today is the Monday before Christmas. It has been Monday all day, if you know what I mean. Not all bad, but intense and full of ups and downs.
Today I got a call from my hoarding mother as I was within 10 minutes of the office. I told her I was almost to work, and I would call her when I started home this evening. And I did, post doctor's appointment with the chiropractor. I knew that I would hear from her since it had been a few days since we last spoke.
She was in a ruminating mood, and first she said that she got a poundcake in her mailbox which is most likely from the lovely couple she went scorched earth on since they dared to try to improve the dirt road they all reside on. I did not comment or give any feedback, and she progressed to accusing the hated neighbor 'in the turn' of stealing a scale from her laundry room and hanging it on his porch, stealing a chair from the attic of the hoarded garage and putting it in his flower bed, and stealing a wind chime set and putting on his porch as well. Oh- and he stole a wooden ladder from her that against his garage. I told her we were done on that topic, if she felt he engaged in theft to call the police, and if not, it was all speculation and not worth the headspace. She then said she wished he would "move to [the city where his brother lived] and get a job as a pizza delivery driver and run from the police". The hated neighbor lost his brother several months ago. His brother relapsed, and while out delivering pizza ran from the police and was killed in the pursuit, he was shot fatally. Just an absolutely hateful and shitty thing to say. I advised her we were done on the topic, and that was simply enough. I ended the call, grabbed some dinner at the local taqueria and went home.
There I found some lovely holiday cards, I have the best friends anyone could ask for. One sent a card from my kitties to 'Mom Grey'. Then I got to the final two, and they were from my sister and my mother's sister. And I felt like a set of cinder blocks dropped on my shoulders. My sister's card was over the top sentimental, and I got the "I love and miss you" stuff. Yeah. Actions speak so much louder than words. My aunt's card was full of scrawled writing still going on about the incident in May where she called the police on my sister, and a whole lot of paranoid craziness.
I just can't. Cannot. Will not. I am in a really strange place where I simply need to withdraw from all of them, and I have decided that it is time to seek a therapist that understands hoarding to work through whatever this is. I cannot remember feeling this tired ... and I cannot even describe how I feel right now. I find joy in my job, my friends, my cats, my hobbies, but for some reason this is a quagmire.
I am not sure what is happening. I was a bit low this past birthday, and I was glad when it passed. I just want this holiday season to be over so they will not have the usual excuse to reach out and give me a poke.
I have some decisions to make. Nearly 20 years ago I essentially estranged myself for self preservation and so I could have a shot at a life. I think what is happening now is my willingness to deal with the narcissistic behavior of those who are supposed to love me, but only see me as an extension of what they want to happen, is getting very depleted. Is this what the space before the jump into no contact feels like?
I have created a safe and quiet life for myself, and yes, work is exceptionally stressful and very busy, and my side business is booming, my friendships remain a key support for me, as do my fuzzy family members... my cats.
Why am I allowing these folks who are related by biology but not necessarily affinity to send me into a tailspin? Enough. Just enough. If they keep pushing me, I will just *poof* on them. I am good at that, sadly.
Sorry for a whiny and rather repetitive post. I will post a humorous one soon. Have a great holiday if, and how, you choose to celebrate.
Thank you for reading.