So it's been much too long since I've captured the inaneness of from the mouth of a hoarder.
----------------------------
She seldom asks me how I'm doing, and those readers that remember I have terminal brain cancer so things are up-and-down and I'm on maintenance chemotherapy.
---------------------------
"Do you have any moles? No? Well I just think that you would have got some when what happened to you..."
"Someone pried the garage door and broke it just so it was destroyed. I took nearly an hour to fix it, but I swear I will break their hands..."
"There is somebody in my house at the same time that I am here. Just to let me know that they can..."
"I know that stuff has been messed with and removed just to spite me and then it is replaced with junk. My air-conditioner was replaced with the junk unit...
Hoarding, no one wins...
Showing posts with label Gaslighting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Gaslighting. Show all posts
Friday, May 1, 2020
Friday, April 26, 2019
Why do I even try? Part Two
Continued from Part One...
So... I went to a play the night of the disastrous conversation in regards to potentially giving my hoarding mother my car. I hung up rather abruptly when arrived, and when I left the Theatre I decided to call back to finish the 'conversation'. I am low contact, but I knew this would fester into drama if I allowed it to fester.
It was nearly 10:30pm, and she stays up late, but she allowed to call to go to voicemail. I left a message, and that was that. Or so I thought.
I was having trouble sleeping, and I was playing around on social media when my mother's neighbor posted and asked if I was awake, and when I indicated was, she said she could not call but would text. It was around 2am.
My mother had called the neighbor (the one she said would not help her anymore) and got her out of bed at 12:30am. Allegedly my mother was choking on a piece of cooked broccoli and wanted to go to the emergency department and did not want to call an ambulance. My mother's neighbor took her, and she said my mother could not speak when she pulled up and took her in. She had normal BP and vitals, and an Xray showed nothing. She was annoyed that they were not going to go down her throat and 'get it' and when they asked the standard advance directive/DNR question she said "You will need to call my daughter" and went into high drama. The neighbor quickly interjected that there was no need to call me, it was a routine question. She stated that my mother seemed disappointed that more heroic measures were not necessary and they were not going to call me. By this point my mother is speaking more normally, and the neighbor said she would call me in the morning.
At 10am the neighbor called me. She was with my mother until 3:45am, and she had to get up at 7am for work. She took her home after the doctor (in frustration, most likely, since she refused to cough hard because she would 'aspirate into her lungs') had her drink a soda and rise up onto her tiptoes and rock back to her heels. Miraculously it worked on the second try. The neighbor was trying not to laugh, as she saw it for what it was, a 'GTFO of my ER' maneuver. I explained that I knew something was going to happen, and my conversation. She asked me to call after I had talked to my mother. I waited until 6pm, and since she had not called, I called her. She recounted the events of the evening, ignoring my questions and making it much more dramatic in the retelling.
The next day I called the neighbor and verified the veracity of my mother's version. It was exaggerated on several counts and at least one detail was fabricated. A few days later the neighbor has not called her. She may have burnt that bridge.
Hoarding. No one wins.
So... I went to a play the night of the disastrous conversation in regards to potentially giving my hoarding mother my car. I hung up rather abruptly when arrived, and when I left the Theatre I decided to call back to finish the 'conversation'. I am low contact, but I knew this would fester into drama if I allowed it to fester.
It was nearly 10:30pm, and she stays up late, but she allowed to call to go to voicemail. I left a message, and that was that. Or so I thought.
I was having trouble sleeping, and I was playing around on social media when my mother's neighbor posted and asked if I was awake, and when I indicated was, she said she could not call but would text. It was around 2am.
My mother had called the neighbor (the one she said would not help her anymore) and got her out of bed at 12:30am. Allegedly my mother was choking on a piece of cooked broccoli and wanted to go to the emergency department and did not want to call an ambulance. My mother's neighbor took her, and she said my mother could not speak when she pulled up and took her in. She had normal BP and vitals, and an Xray showed nothing. She was annoyed that they were not going to go down her throat and 'get it' and when they asked the standard advance directive/DNR question she said "You will need to call my daughter" and went into high drama. The neighbor quickly interjected that there was no need to call me, it was a routine question. She stated that my mother seemed disappointed that more heroic measures were not necessary and they were not going to call me. By this point my mother is speaking more normally, and the neighbor said she would call me in the morning.
At 10am the neighbor called me. She was with my mother until 3:45am, and she had to get up at 7am for work. She took her home after the doctor (in frustration, most likely, since she refused to cough hard because she would 'aspirate into her lungs') had her drink a soda and rise up onto her tiptoes and rock back to her heels. Miraculously it worked on the second try. The neighbor was trying not to laugh, as she saw it for what it was, a 'GTFO of my ER' maneuver. I explained that I knew something was going to happen, and my conversation. She asked me to call after I had talked to my mother. I waited until 6pm, and since she had not called, I called her. She recounted the events of the evening, ignoring my questions and making it much more dramatic in the retelling.
The next day I called the neighbor and verified the veracity of my mother's version. It was exaggerated on several counts and at least one detail was fabricated. A few days later the neighbor has not called her. She may have burnt that bridge.
Hoarding. No one wins.
Friday, November 23, 2018
It is past due! From the Mouth of a Hoarder...
I have to laugh or I would scream... FMTOAH time! I have called my hoarding mother twice since last week. Oy, why do I do this to myself? Anyway... Here it goes!
________________
HM: So, what has your experience been with ground turkey? I saw a recipe on 'Cooking Light' and [nattering insufferably about how skeptical she is to whether that will be 'right' despite the fact she cannot cook due to her microwave and oven being out of order and her range top hoarded solid...]
Me: :::Stunned silence:::
HM: Well?
Me: Um... You do remember that I have a Type I allergy to turkey and capon, right?
HM: What does that mean? <Harrumphing>
Me: That I have to have an double epi pen because I go into an anaphylactic reaction...
HM: I don't remember THAT.
Now, I have had issues as a child with severe facial swelling, and it was around holiday time but no one toppled to the connection (or no one cared enough to try). One of my few last visits to her house (1997 or so) she fed me turkey loaf... Cooked lovingly in the microwave. I had a severe reaction with my face, lips and throat swelling. I looked like Quasimodo, and I nearly died. I had continued exposure, and it only got worse. SHE WITNESSED THE START OF IT. Now I know that the weird, 'sudden' allergies are part of my overall condition (actually a co-morbidity) caused by Mast Cell Activation. This has been a 'thing' for over 20 years of my life.
HM: So you don't know whether ground turkey is good in that or not?
__________________________
HM: I keep meaning to ask... You have several degrees, right?
Me: What?
HM: You have multiple degrees on something right? You finished school for something or something?
Me: Yes, you were at my graduation for my undergrad. [I tell her my degrees, and licensure].
HM: Someone asked me, and I could not remember...
__________________________
Yeah. I am not important in her life, but I knew that already. Thank goodness for friends who are family and my furry family.
Thank you for reading!!!
________________
HM: So, what has your experience been with ground turkey? I saw a recipe on 'Cooking Light' and [nattering insufferably about how skeptical she is to whether that will be 'right' despite the fact she cannot cook due to her microwave and oven being out of order and her range top hoarded solid...]
Me: :::Stunned silence:::
HM: Well?
Me: Um... You do remember that I have a Type I allergy to turkey and capon, right?
HM: What does that mean? <Harrumphing>
Me: That I have to have an double epi pen because I go into an anaphylactic reaction...
HM: I don't remember THAT.
Now, I have had issues as a child with severe facial swelling, and it was around holiday time but no one toppled to the connection (or no one cared enough to try). One of my few last visits to her house (1997 or so) she fed me turkey loaf... Cooked lovingly in the microwave. I had a severe reaction with my face, lips and throat swelling. I looked like Quasimodo, and I nearly died. I had continued exposure, and it only got worse. SHE WITNESSED THE START OF IT. Now I know that the weird, 'sudden' allergies are part of my overall condition (actually a co-morbidity) caused by Mast Cell Activation. This has been a 'thing' for over 20 years of my life.
HM: So you don't know whether ground turkey is good in that or not?
__________________________
HM: I keep meaning to ask... You have several degrees, right?
Me: What?
HM: You have multiple degrees on something right? You finished school for something or something?
Me: Yes, you were at my graduation for my undergrad. [I tell her my degrees, and licensure].
HM: Someone asked me, and I could not remember...
__________________________
Yeah. I am not important in her life, but I knew that already. Thank goodness for friends who are family and my furry family.
Thank you for reading!!!
Wednesday, March 21, 2018
What next?
This is been an 'interesting' week with my hoarding mother. And by interesting, I mean the same old crap at an increased intensity. I am simply running out of band width to deal with her attention seeking behavior.
I had a funder meeting that took me out of the office for 2 1/2 days with subcommittees and the like, and things are really busy and stressful at the office. Elderly kitty that had the stroke 2 weeks ago is hanging in there, but requires medication, medical management, and a more constant surveillance of her behavior and health than even before. And she is very clingy, and the other cat's behavior is impacted too. Each time I think that I am done with the impact of an elbow injury in mid February, it wants to flare again. Life is life, but my hoarding mother knows that things are really, really challenging, including my insomnia is back with a vengeance. What does she do? Hype EVERYTHING into high drama.
The final day of the meetings, she called. Now, since I have been doing extremely low contact and 'grey rocking' her, she is calling about mundane things that she considers an emergency or needs an immediate response. And she will blow up my cell phone (which I use for business and I am on call 24/7) and if I do not respond, she will call my office or the housing facility that my organization runs that has a 24 hour hotline. She called Friday, and was ranting that 'someone' needed to take the hated neighbor out, he has been in her house, he has stolen the fuse box out of her detached garage (but the garage door opener and outside lights work) and he has done something in her house so only partial lighting in the central hallway works. She is also allegedly:
I had a funder meeting that took me out of the office for 2 1/2 days with subcommittees and the like, and things are really busy and stressful at the office. Elderly kitty that had the stroke 2 weeks ago is hanging in there, but requires medication, medical management, and a more constant surveillance of her behavior and health than even before. And she is very clingy, and the other cat's behavior is impacted too. Each time I think that I am done with the impact of an elbow injury in mid February, it wants to flare again. Life is life, but my hoarding mother knows that things are really, really challenging, including my insomnia is back with a vengeance. What does she do? Hype EVERYTHING into high drama.
The final day of the meetings, she called. Now, since I have been doing extremely low contact and 'grey rocking' her, she is calling about mundane things that she considers an emergency or needs an immediate response. And she will blow up my cell phone (which I use for business and I am on call 24/7) and if I do not respond, she will call my office or the housing facility that my organization runs that has a 24 hour hotline. She called Friday, and was ranting that 'someone' needed to take the hated neighbor out, he has been in her house, he has stolen the fuse box out of her detached garage (but the garage door opener and outside lights work) and he has done something in her house so only partial lighting in the central hallway works. She is also allegedly:
- Arguing with the cable company, so does not have a box that works so no TV. If the electrical system is in the house is truly wonky...?
- Arguing with the paper delivery folks as to how they roll the paper when they put it in her box. She is cancelling it.
- She has had to have the gas company out last week to shut off the hot water tank (so no gas in the house if that is true).
- She had the water company out this week because the tub was leaking and she claims that she now does not have water.
- She still states she has groundwater leaking in her basement.
- She is churning, churning, churning the hoard. She has found papers from 1989, and a computer, etc. from 2005/2006 that she has never used and keeps torturing me with questions about... "Can [this] be used? What about [this]? There is a disk for free internet from AOL!" ::Sigh::
So she is really in a Level 5 hoard. Goat trails, stuff stacked to the ceiling, no electricity in part of the house, no hot water, and now, no water. Her furnace is not working, and her AC quit last summer. She has C Diff, and is wearing adult continence diapers. I am sure she is 'bucket' flushing, but that will not work long term. Sorry, I keep diverting. The call on Friday... She was ranting that the neighbor has 'been in her house' and it is only 'a matter of time before he kills her' and he has 'put some listening device in her house so her can monitor her.'
I got off the phone and called Adult Protective Services. I identified myself, her, gave a succinct background and cause for concern. My hoarding mother's state is a 'duty to warn' state under Tarasoff, and I retain a social work license in that state. I have been the petitioner to have clients, adult and child, involuntarily committed when they were a imminent, identifiable risk to self and others, and have the means and the lethality to do it. They refused to help, even when I spoke to a director and also the Mental Hygiene lawmaster. I called the police chief in her town, someone I went to high school with and is well acquainted with her. He could have an officer do a wellness check, but since her property has locks on the gates, etc. he cannot trespass, and he will not put an officer at risk since she has a concealed carry, and several semi automatic weapons with clips and laser sights. He understood and shared my concern.
I struck out. Going there will do nothing, especially if she will not let me in, and I left one vulnerable cat that I almost lost in 2010 to deal with her manufactured drama, and I just cannot due to the cat, work, my health, and my mental health. Her neighbor and the police chief warned the 'hated neighbor' and I have done all I can do. She called later, and she was on an even keel again.
This is not going to end well. My concern is that she will confront and provoke an altercation with the neighbor, and shoot him under the 'stand your ground' law in her state.
I will keep pushing for intervention. That is all I can do. Thanks for reading.
Sunday, March 11, 2018
Trying to be my own solution... Because my hoarding mother cannot be her own...
Sometimes I cannot catch a break. And I do not ascribe to luck, a greater plan, or whatnot. Sometimes things just happen, and sometimes those things are a mix of good, bad or indifferent. Lately, I have been struggling with a lot of challenges. I think my hoarding, narcissistic mother was a huge lesson. I fall, and each time I get up. I still struggle with letting folks help me in a meaningful way, and sometimes I struggle with asking in a way that is meaningful. I continue to work on that.
Last Sunday evening one of my two elderly cats collapsed. I will spare you the details, but it was late night, I was still up working, and she came to me just as she collapsed. I grabbed shoes, the carrier, my sweet kitty, and wallet/phone/key fob and flew to the emergency vet. It is only a couple exits away on the highway, but I had to get downstairs and to my garage that is east facing as opposed to my place that is west facing. I looked at the time as I put kitty in the carrier, and 7 minutes later I walked into the emergency vet. A few hours later she came out of it, and I was referred to my regular vet. The probable diagnosis was a heart issue, possibly a vagus nerve reaction. I made the appointment, and got really bad news. It is a heart issue that caused a mild spinal stroke (oversimplification, but just humor me). With treatment of a transdermal heart medicine and baby aspirin my sweet girl might have a year or more. Maybe. She is doing well, she is just a bit more attention seeking than usual, walks a bit slower, and sleeps a lot more. She now vocalizes in a 'small' voice, and that is not her normal strident and booming meows. She jumps up, plays, and begs for water out of the faucets. It has been a hard week, as my last kitty that passed had a heart murmur that threw a clot, and produced a horrific seizure. I put her down immediately as another one was imminent. This is a bit different situation, but it will lead the same place, eventually. I have decided to take it a day at a time, and let my kitty call the shots.
I made the mistake of telling my hoarding mother.
She demanded to know why I did not put her down, and asked what I was going to do if it happened again and I was not at home, yadda yadda. Then she proceeded to tell me about all the cats that she had lost over the past 20 or so years (which is a LOT). I just told her it was not up for discussion, and if she wanted to keep talking about it, I would have to go. I just cannot. I am evaluating the situation every day, and I am hoping the pharmacy quits dorking around and gets my credit card information so I can get the medicine started. I think our time together grows very short. My other cat is very aware something is happening, and her behavior towards this one is a bit different. I hope our time is not shorter than I hoped. My mother also asked if I was going to get another cat, and another special needs elderly cat. GRRRRR.
Also this week I came out of the office and walked to the parking garage where I park my car. I immediately saw the rear right tire was flat, and I had left a few moments early as I hoped to stop by a coffee shop and get an iced chai. I ended up driving several blocks on the rim to an automotive parts store and they tried to use a fix-a-flat product. (My car does not come with a spare, nearly 70% of newer cars do not have them.) No dice. I was in a panic, I was the program speaker on International Women's Day for a celebration for a church about 15 miles away. Luckily, one of my staff could help me, and she drove me to the event. A participant drove me back to my car as she drove right by it, and I was able to call the auto service for a tow. A friend saw my plight on social media as I had asked if anyone local could give me a ride and came the 40 minutes to where I was to wait for the rollback truck and follow it to the dealer and then give me a ride home. I appreciated it immensely, as the tow truck driver would have transported me to the dealership, but I would have to got a rideshare home. The next morning, the dealership was able to plug the flat (they hope it will hold) as they know I was hoping to limp my tires along until late spring and replace all of them. They sent a driver to pick me up, and each person I encountered indicated that it was a huge puncture, and with a strange metal object. They showed it to me.
It was a corner of a construction knife/cutter. It was centered in the center of the tire, between the treads and belts. It most likely was not an accident.
I have let the area police know, and they will take a look at the camera to see if they see anything, especially since I was in the garage such a short time that day, and knew the time I came in and the time I found it.
I returned my mother's call. She asked why I sounded funny, and I just said I had a long week, and was exhausted, I did not get home until midnight due to a flat. I did not go into detail about what was in my tire, but she automatically assumed it was malicious. She then told me that the hated neighbor in the turn stole her fuse box in the garage, and I asked about external lights and the garage door and she did not change the subject like last time, but weakly said that 'somehow' the automatic garage door still works and some of the external lights still work. Um... If the 'fuse box' was gone, she would have nothing as it is a separate building from her house. She said last week that something happened to her hot water tank so the gas company shut it off, and she also alluded that whatever this neighbor had done it impacted the house and only the hallway lights work and a few outlets.
Now, who knows what is true. She also said that she has not repaired broken windows and just put contact paper over them.
If this is true, she is firmly in a Stage 5 hoard, and she still has C-Diff. She is now accusing the dentist of giving it to her, she won't consider that all the antibiotics plus using urgent care as her PCP could put her at risk.
She seemed to gather energy from the fact that life has been rough for me. I remembered something from one of my undergraduate college professors who said or paraphrased "Misery loves MISERABLE company." I think that bears true in this case. Many of my friends are not having easy lives at the moment. I am saddened by it, and I am clearly puzzled by what mechanism that someone could derive energy or even some sick pleasure from it. I do not wish hardship on those I do not agree with or like, or dislike me.
I have continued extreme low contact, and now she is calling me about once a day for an 'emergency question' and it is neither...
I keep 'grey rocking' her, and I will focus on what is important. My precious kitties, my vocation, continuing to train for the next race/regaining health and stamina, my friends who are my family, and furthering my education... whether through a certification, another Master's Degree, or a PhD. I think it is time.
Life has been hard. I just realized that just in the last year I have put over 17K miles on my car just running back and forth to medical appointments at a nationally renowned teaching hospital. I have many, many vet bills. I need to dig out of the debt hole (Mainly medical related expense for me and my cats) I have put myself in, so no big vacations for me, and I will need to postpone buying a condo for a couple of years. I will do what I have to, and hopefully I can start picking up some consulting work when things slow down a bit... If they do. Either way, I got this.
I realize that my mother is continuing to deteriorate. She refuses to get out of her own way to find any sort of solution. I refuse to be her. Onward and upward we go.
Thanks for reading!
Last Sunday evening one of my two elderly cats collapsed. I will spare you the details, but it was late night, I was still up working, and she came to me just as she collapsed. I grabbed shoes, the carrier, my sweet kitty, and wallet/phone/key fob and flew to the emergency vet. It is only a couple exits away on the highway, but I had to get downstairs and to my garage that is east facing as opposed to my place that is west facing. I looked at the time as I put kitty in the carrier, and 7 minutes later I walked into the emergency vet. A few hours later she came out of it, and I was referred to my regular vet. The probable diagnosis was a heart issue, possibly a vagus nerve reaction. I made the appointment, and got really bad news. It is a heart issue that caused a mild spinal stroke (oversimplification, but just humor me). With treatment of a transdermal heart medicine and baby aspirin my sweet girl might have a year or more. Maybe. She is doing well, she is just a bit more attention seeking than usual, walks a bit slower, and sleeps a lot more. She now vocalizes in a 'small' voice, and that is not her normal strident and booming meows. She jumps up, plays, and begs for water out of the faucets. It has been a hard week, as my last kitty that passed had a heart murmur that threw a clot, and produced a horrific seizure. I put her down immediately as another one was imminent. This is a bit different situation, but it will lead the same place, eventually. I have decided to take it a day at a time, and let my kitty call the shots.
I made the mistake of telling my hoarding mother.
She demanded to know why I did not put her down, and asked what I was going to do if it happened again and I was not at home, yadda yadda. Then she proceeded to tell me about all the cats that she had lost over the past 20 or so years (which is a LOT). I just told her it was not up for discussion, and if she wanted to keep talking about it, I would have to go. I just cannot. I am evaluating the situation every day, and I am hoping the pharmacy quits dorking around and gets my credit card information so I can get the medicine started. I think our time together grows very short. My other cat is very aware something is happening, and her behavior towards this one is a bit different. I hope our time is not shorter than I hoped. My mother also asked if I was going to get another cat, and another special needs elderly cat. GRRRRR.
Also this week I came out of the office and walked to the parking garage where I park my car. I immediately saw the rear right tire was flat, and I had left a few moments early as I hoped to stop by a coffee shop and get an iced chai. I ended up driving several blocks on the rim to an automotive parts store and they tried to use a fix-a-flat product. (My car does not come with a spare, nearly 70% of newer cars do not have them.) No dice. I was in a panic, I was the program speaker on International Women's Day for a celebration for a church about 15 miles away. Luckily, one of my staff could help me, and she drove me to the event. A participant drove me back to my car as she drove right by it, and I was able to call the auto service for a tow. A friend saw my plight on social media as I had asked if anyone local could give me a ride and came the 40 minutes to where I was to wait for the rollback truck and follow it to the dealer and then give me a ride home. I appreciated it immensely, as the tow truck driver would have transported me to the dealership, but I would have to got a rideshare home. The next morning, the dealership was able to plug the flat (they hope it will hold) as they know I was hoping to limp my tires along until late spring and replace all of them. They sent a driver to pick me up, and each person I encountered indicated that it was a huge puncture, and with a strange metal object. They showed it to me.
It was a corner of a construction knife/cutter. It was centered in the center of the tire, between the treads and belts. It most likely was not an accident.
I have let the area police know, and they will take a look at the camera to see if they see anything, especially since I was in the garage such a short time that day, and knew the time I came in and the time I found it.
I returned my mother's call. She asked why I sounded funny, and I just said I had a long week, and was exhausted, I did not get home until midnight due to a flat. I did not go into detail about what was in my tire, but she automatically assumed it was malicious. She then told me that the hated neighbor in the turn stole her fuse box in the garage, and I asked about external lights and the garage door and she did not change the subject like last time, but weakly said that 'somehow' the automatic garage door still works and some of the external lights still work. Um... If the 'fuse box' was gone, she would have nothing as it is a separate building from her house. She said last week that something happened to her hot water tank so the gas company shut it off, and she also alluded that whatever this neighbor had done it impacted the house and only the hallway lights work and a few outlets.
Now, who knows what is true. She also said that she has not repaired broken windows and just put contact paper over them.
If this is true, she is firmly in a Stage 5 hoard, and she still has C-Diff. She is now accusing the dentist of giving it to her, she won't consider that all the antibiotics plus using urgent care as her PCP could put her at risk.
She seemed to gather energy from the fact that life has been rough for me. I remembered something from one of my undergraduate college professors who said or paraphrased "Misery loves MISERABLE company." I think that bears true in this case. Many of my friends are not having easy lives at the moment. I am saddened by it, and I am clearly puzzled by what mechanism that someone could derive energy or even some sick pleasure from it. I do not wish hardship on those I do not agree with or like, or dislike me.
I have continued extreme low contact, and now she is calling me about once a day for an 'emergency question' and it is neither...
I keep 'grey rocking' her, and I will focus on what is important. My precious kitties, my vocation, continuing to train for the next race/regaining health and stamina, my friends who are my family, and furthering my education... whether through a certification, another Master's Degree, or a PhD. I think it is time.
Life has been hard. I just realized that just in the last year I have put over 17K miles on my car just running back and forth to medical appointments at a nationally renowned teaching hospital. I have many, many vet bills. I need to dig out of the debt hole (Mainly medical related expense for me and my cats) I have put myself in, so no big vacations for me, and I will need to postpone buying a condo for a couple of years. I will do what I have to, and hopefully I can start picking up some consulting work when things slow down a bit... If they do. Either way, I got this.
I realize that my mother is continuing to deteriorate. She refuses to get out of her own way to find any sort of solution. I refuse to be her. Onward and upward we go.
Thanks for reading!
Tuesday, October 10, 2017
What is real? And what is not real?
Oh, life with a hoarding mother... The gift that keeps on giving...
She continues on her paranoid delusions that her neighbor is 'picking her locks' (does anyone do that anymore? I thought if folks were going to break in they use a credit card, a kit, or a bump key...) and is breaking things. She did finally go to an autobody shop only to have the owner tell her that her 'floppy seatbelt piece' was merely loosening due to age. (The car is 24 years old, after all!) I am not entirely sure she buys it 100%, but she always needs a 'wonderful stranger' to tell her what I have been telling her for years... And I used to run an auto body shop... But what do I know? And my mother absolutely ascribes to sexist gender tropes, so since a MAN told her, then obviously that carries some weight. It is exhausting. But, she is now saying that someone (the hated neighbor) broke into her garage again and loosened the plate on her garage door opener, but she feels he was interrupted since the repair person she called said it was okay. Allegedly the repair person told her to get the steel gates that proprietors use to protect storefronts that lock from the outside for the walkthrough door. Um. Yeah.
The weekend before last, while my mother's neighbor was on vacation, my mother called her stating the garage had been broken into ranting. She did not call me, and waited until today to mention this. I call bullsh*t. She has twice had this neighbor and her fiance come to the fence with flashlights after 10pm to shine a flashlight so she can change the bulbs that she claims the hated neighbor in the turn is destroying. She has also asked this neighbor to shoot her gun into the air or into the ground. Same deal, different day with this craziness.
My hoarding mother mentioned she has not been to her chiropractor in months, and that chiropractor is a classmate of mine from high school (and a major flying monkey of my mother's), and knows I was in town for the high school reunion. I did try to contact her as I was headed to my hometown, but she chose not to answer (and I know she knows the reunion was that weekend, as the chiro told her months ago). I guarantee this woman will say something along the line of 'so, how was your visit with Lisabeth when she was in town in July?' and a whole level of manufactured drama is about to be released. I am not going to take a lot of her crap. I called, I called again, and she did not call back until I was almost home. DONE. Consequences of her own actions. Then I may have a conversation with my 'classmate'. I am so done with her too.
On the good news side, I ran my first race post surgery this weekend. I was 6 minutes slower than my usual, but did not have to walk at all. It was a mixed course with pavement, field, and trail, one of the hardest for me. I am glad I am on the way to getting my momentum back, and I have lots of additional testing at the teaching hospital at the end of the month, but I booked my flight for Florida for Thanksgiving, so I have that to look forward to. I also will be celebrating the one year 'gotcha' anniversary of one of my sweet kitties tomorrow, and they make me so happy. I am working too much, and I am hoping my schedule will normalize a bit in the next couple of weeks.
Life goes on. Onward and upward! Thank you for reading, and have a great week.
She continues on her paranoid delusions that her neighbor is 'picking her locks' (does anyone do that anymore? I thought if folks were going to break in they use a credit card, a kit, or a bump key...) and is breaking things. She did finally go to an autobody shop only to have the owner tell her that her 'floppy seatbelt piece' was merely loosening due to age. (The car is 24 years old, after all!) I am not entirely sure she buys it 100%, but she always needs a 'wonderful stranger' to tell her what I have been telling her for years... And I used to run an auto body shop... But what do I know? And my mother absolutely ascribes to sexist gender tropes, so since a MAN told her, then obviously that carries some weight. It is exhausting. But, she is now saying that someone (the hated neighbor) broke into her garage again and loosened the plate on her garage door opener, but she feels he was interrupted since the repair person she called said it was okay. Allegedly the repair person told her to get the steel gates that proprietors use to protect storefronts that lock from the outside for the walkthrough door. Um. Yeah.
The weekend before last, while my mother's neighbor was on vacation, my mother called her stating the garage had been broken into ranting. She did not call me, and waited until today to mention this. I call bullsh*t. She has twice had this neighbor and her fiance come to the fence with flashlights after 10pm to shine a flashlight so she can change the bulbs that she claims the hated neighbor in the turn is destroying. She has also asked this neighbor to shoot her gun into the air or into the ground. Same deal, different day with this craziness.
My hoarding mother mentioned she has not been to her chiropractor in months, and that chiropractor is a classmate of mine from high school (and a major flying monkey of my mother's), and knows I was in town for the high school reunion. I did try to contact her as I was headed to my hometown, but she chose not to answer (and I know she knows the reunion was that weekend, as the chiro told her months ago). I guarantee this woman will say something along the line of 'so, how was your visit with Lisabeth when she was in town in July?' and a whole level of manufactured drama is about to be released. I am not going to take a lot of her crap. I called, I called again, and she did not call back until I was almost home. DONE. Consequences of her own actions. Then I may have a conversation with my 'classmate'. I am so done with her too.
On the good news side, I ran my first race post surgery this weekend. I was 6 minutes slower than my usual, but did not have to walk at all. It was a mixed course with pavement, field, and trail, one of the hardest for me. I am glad I am on the way to getting my momentum back, and I have lots of additional testing at the teaching hospital at the end of the month, but I booked my flight for Florida for Thanksgiving, so I have that to look forward to. I also will be celebrating the one year 'gotcha' anniversary of one of my sweet kitties tomorrow, and they make me so happy. I am working too much, and I am hoping my schedule will normalize a bit in the next couple of weeks.
Life goes on. Onward and upward! Thank you for reading, and have a great week.
Friday, September 22, 2017
Lisabeth has an annoyed... UPDATED
First the good news. Just got back from the teaching hospital where I had my 8/7/2017 surgery. I am released totally to resume normal lifestyle, including running and training (good thing, I have picked up a bit of weight that puts me over my ideal running weight, time to get it back off and into form to run a marathon within the next few months!) and the doctor stated I did fantastically well, she was surprised. The second bit of good news was I had a tilt test the next day, and met my new specialist. The tilt table was negative, so no POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome).
Setting the stage for this... Because I had multiple appointments, one considered a cardiovascular procedure, I had to have a driver for the second day. The hospital I receive care from is about two hours away from home. I had to work the day prior to the two days of appointments, and I have a friend who lives an hour and half from work, and about two hours away from the hospital as well, but was willing to take me for my appointments. So... The plan was that I would leave work at 5ish, take a conference call that would last most of the way to my friend's, stay the night there, and then we would leave his home at 8am to make my first appointment with my surgeon, then roll across town to another campus to meet my new specialist, then spend a lovely day shopping and eating at great seafood places. I made reservations for a lovely historic inn that was close to the waterfront, and the next morning we had to be at a third hospital location for my testing at 7:30am, and we would continue shopping (and EATING) and then head back to my friend's home, and I would decide from there if I were up to the 2 hour drive home that night, or I would drive to work from his place the next morning.
So, now, the only reason all of this is germane to this blog is I had mentioned my appointments multiple times in passing to my mother, usually in reference to my desire to begin running again. I also decided to call her Tuesday morning (unusual since I called her on Monday morning) and to tell her again that I was A) Leaving for my friend's after work; B) I had a call that I would not be available 'on the road' just in case she had ideas of a captive audience; and C) that I would be unavailable for the remainder of the week, most likely until Friday afternoon.
I get a text from one of office folks after 6:30pm last night. My hoarding mother had called the office, catching this person as she walked out the door (she normally leaves at 5pm or so). She did not ask for me, did not appear to listen to when my coworker answered and introduced herself by first name, asking for this coworker (who has worked with me for 10 years now) and merely giving her (my mother's) first name. When that did not bring down the confetti and party favors of recognition, she said 'Lisabeth's mother'. She asked if I was okay and/or in town and alluded to 'she knows we sometimes get into things together' (she does not know SHIT). She stated I 'call her every day' (untrue) She stated that she was 'forgetful' and I might have told her... My coworker told her politely that I was out of town, she was not sure where, perhaps a conference. She ended the call, and I called her back as soon as I got her text. Needless to say, after her other stunts of calling my work and confusing/scaring my staff, she knows she is NOT to call work. But she did anyway. My friend and his mother made several observations:
Setting the stage for this... Because I had multiple appointments, one considered a cardiovascular procedure, I had to have a driver for the second day. The hospital I receive care from is about two hours away from home. I had to work the day prior to the two days of appointments, and I have a friend who lives an hour and half from work, and about two hours away from the hospital as well, but was willing to take me for my appointments. So... The plan was that I would leave work at 5ish, take a conference call that would last most of the way to my friend's, stay the night there, and then we would leave his home at 8am to make my first appointment with my surgeon, then roll across town to another campus to meet my new specialist, then spend a lovely day shopping and eating at great seafood places. I made reservations for a lovely historic inn that was close to the waterfront, and the next morning we had to be at a third hospital location for my testing at 7:30am, and we would continue shopping (and EATING) and then head back to my friend's home, and I would decide from there if I were up to the 2 hour drive home that night, or I would drive to work from his place the next morning.
So, now, the only reason all of this is germane to this blog is I had mentioned my appointments multiple times in passing to my mother, usually in reference to my desire to begin running again. I also decided to call her Tuesday morning (unusual since I called her on Monday morning) and to tell her again that I was A) Leaving for my friend's after work; B) I had a call that I would not be available 'on the road' just in case she had ideas of a captive audience; and C) that I would be unavailable for the remainder of the week, most likely until Friday afternoon.
I get a text from one of office folks after 6:30pm last night. My hoarding mother had called the office, catching this person as she walked out the door (she normally leaves at 5pm or so). She did not ask for me, did not appear to listen to when my coworker answered and introduced herself by first name, asking for this coworker (who has worked with me for 10 years now) and merely giving her (my mother's) first name. When that did not bring down the confetti and party favors of recognition, she said 'Lisabeth's mother'. She asked if I was okay and/or in town and alluded to 'she knows we sometimes get into things together' (she does not know SHIT). She stated I 'call her every day' (untrue) She stated that she was 'forgetful' and I might have told her... My coworker told her politely that I was out of town, she was not sure where, perhaps a conference. She ended the call, and I called her back as soon as I got her text. Needless to say, after her other stunts of calling my work and confusing/scaring my staff, she knows she is NOT to call work. But she did anyway. My friend and his mother made several observations:
- Why did she not just call me to start with?
- Why did she not call either or both days to check in how my appointments went and how I was?
- If she was so concerned about me, and felt she had to call my office, why did she not ask for me? The coworker was the only person there, so she did not call earlier or talk to someone else.
I was flat pissed. I felt okay after dinner with my friends, so I went home. I talked with a couple of friends via bluetooth in my car who all pointed out the same things that I mentioned above, unsolicited. I waited until this morning (Friday) to call my hoarding mother, and she said "wondered where you were, have not heard from you in several days and you usually call every day." I reminded her that I simply DO NOT CALL EVERY DAY (like 3 times a week at most and she complains vociferously to whomever will listen that I do not call enough) and I had told her on Tuesday morning that I was going to be unavailable, and I had mentioned it before since everything was scheduled in August. She said she remembered something about a test, but she did not know that I was out of town, and she said she had not talked to me since (an event- the state police were conducting a registration check so I ended my call with her to attend to that) that was Friday or Monday and I corrected her that it was Monday, but we talked Tuesday and I told her. She then started harping on the coworker she called and asked for 'sounded too young' to be who she thought it was and was using depersonalizing language like 'that person' and 'that person who claimed to be...' and intimated that someone was merely playing games with her. She got really defensive when I advised if she was concerned she could have called me. It was straight out of the twilight zone.
I got off the phone when she switched as to how the neighbor broke her light on the garage and all the paranoid stuff she goes through....
My friend owes me $20. We had a friendly wager, and I do not normally gamble. She thought my mother would ask how I was, and how the tests went- even if delayed. She did NOT. Hoarding- no one wins. No one. Have a great evening!
UPDATE- the next morning, which is a Saturday, she called my cell phone all-a-flutter at 8:30am. My coworker (the same as mentioned above) and I were enroute to an event we had to staff, but she did not know that. A ground delivery company had left a note that a delivery had been attempted. She called the delivery company and grilled them, and got the sender information. I looked it up for her, and it is a marketing company, so it is most likely something from AARP or some crap she has signed up for to get a 'free' premium of some sort. I let her know that it was not anything 'nefarious' and she needed to decide what she wanted to do, I was out. I ended the call.
Ai yi yi.
UPDATE- the next morning, which is a Saturday, she called my cell phone all-a-flutter at 8:30am. My coworker (the same as mentioned above) and I were enroute to an event we had to staff, but she did not know that. A ground delivery company had left a note that a delivery had been attempted. She called the delivery company and grilled them, and got the sender information. I looked it up for her, and it is a marketing company, so it is most likely something from AARP or some crap she has signed up for to get a 'free' premium of some sort. I let her know that it was not anything 'nefarious' and she needed to decide what she wanted to do, I was out. I ended the call.
Ai yi yi.
Sunday, September 17, 2017
Manufactured issues and a problem for every solution
My hoarding mother has a problem for every solution, and is 99.9% of her own difficulties. I will just jump into the new installment of 'Hoarding, no one wins.'
Her phone company for her landline pissed her off, so after years of flailing them verbally on the phone and threatening to disconnect her phone, she finally did it. She used portability to pull her landline number to a mobile phone, and wanted them to 'add a number' to that phone, as well as keep her current cell phone. Of course, it did not go as expected, and after 3 days, 5 visits, 20-million something phone calls, she cancelled her new phone in a huff. And promptly lost the phone number(s?) she has had for nearly 30 years. She went to the competitor, and that has not worked either. So for a couple of weeks, she has only had her mobile number (that she refuses to give out) and an aging, dying flip phone that she refuses to turn on when it is charging, and of course, will not use when charging. She is looking at new phones, and found some crap flip phone as she REFUSES to get a smart phone so she limits her options. I have annoyed her because I have offered ZERO advice or consolation for her troubles.
She is also angry at the newspaper carrier because he is folding her newspaper too tightly and rubber banding it. She plans on cancelling that too, and she has taken the daily paper since the early 60s. So... Inconsistent phone, no newspaper, and she does not have access to the internet.
Her next gripe is with the cable company, and she may do something similar to the phone company snafu. I am going to wait for that one with a bag of movie popcorn.
So- she has vastly curtailed her phone access by her own rigidity and choices, and may do the same with the paper and TV. I am not sure how she will entertain herself and she may become more paranoid, more delusional, and more disconnected with reality, more so than she is now. Is this all part of it?
I have had some amazing opportunities at work that further the work of my agency, and are great for my career. Typical of her, she questions 'why' I am asked to do that. Then goes on to her usual laundry list of complaints.
I have appointments on Wednesday and Thursday at the hospital that I had surgery at the first week of August. I hope to be released to run and to start to train in all seriousness for my next series of races leading up to a marathon (and possibly ultra) effort. I will also meet with the new specialist and have some more diagnostic testing.
Work continues to be busy and stressful, and my elderly kitties are doing great and thriving. I have several friends going through really challenging times, and I am doing what I can, but sometimes I feel it is simply not enough.
I did look at the pictures of the 'hated neighbor's home' that he has listed for sale. The wind chimes and the 'thermometer' he allegedly has on his porch that she claims are hers (that were actually my dad's mothers, so technically are mine) that she claims he stole are NOT the ones she claims they are. Her descriptions of his house could not be more incorrect as well. Just more validation that most everything she tells me is 100% bull pucky. <Sigh>
I will continue to keep my mother on the very, very LOW contact interval of contact, and I refuse to be pulled into her utility provider drama.
Hope everyone is having a great September. Thank you for reading.
Hoarding, no one wins. No one.
Her phone company for her landline pissed her off, so after years of flailing them verbally on the phone and threatening to disconnect her phone, she finally did it. She used portability to pull her landline number to a mobile phone, and wanted them to 'add a number' to that phone, as well as keep her current cell phone. Of course, it did not go as expected, and after 3 days, 5 visits, 20-million something phone calls, she cancelled her new phone in a huff. And promptly lost the phone number(s?) she has had for nearly 30 years. She went to the competitor, and that has not worked either. So for a couple of weeks, she has only had her mobile number (that she refuses to give out) and an aging, dying flip phone that she refuses to turn on when it is charging, and of course, will not use when charging. She is looking at new phones, and found some crap flip phone as she REFUSES to get a smart phone so she limits her options. I have annoyed her because I have offered ZERO advice or consolation for her troubles.
She is also angry at the newspaper carrier because he is folding her newspaper too tightly and rubber banding it. She plans on cancelling that too, and she has taken the daily paper since the early 60s. So... Inconsistent phone, no newspaper, and she does not have access to the internet.
Her next gripe is with the cable company, and she may do something similar to the phone company snafu. I am going to wait for that one with a bag of movie popcorn.
So- she has vastly curtailed her phone access by her own rigidity and choices, and may do the same with the paper and TV. I am not sure how she will entertain herself and she may become more paranoid, more delusional, and more disconnected with reality, more so than she is now. Is this all part of it?
I have had some amazing opportunities at work that further the work of my agency, and are great for my career. Typical of her, she questions 'why' I am asked to do that. Then goes on to her usual laundry list of complaints.
I have appointments on Wednesday and Thursday at the hospital that I had surgery at the first week of August. I hope to be released to run and to start to train in all seriousness for my next series of races leading up to a marathon (and possibly ultra) effort. I will also meet with the new specialist and have some more diagnostic testing.
Work continues to be busy and stressful, and my elderly kitties are doing great and thriving. I have several friends going through really challenging times, and I am doing what I can, but sometimes I feel it is simply not enough.
I did look at the pictures of the 'hated neighbor's home' that he has listed for sale. The wind chimes and the 'thermometer' he allegedly has on his porch that she claims are hers (that were actually my dad's mothers, so technically are mine) that she claims he stole are NOT the ones she claims they are. Her descriptions of his house could not be more incorrect as well. Just more validation that most everything she tells me is 100% bull pucky. <Sigh>
I will continue to keep my mother on the very, very LOW contact interval of contact, and I refuse to be pulled into her utility provider drama.
Hope everyone is having a great September. Thank you for reading.
Hoarding, no one wins. No one.
Tuesday, August 29, 2017
More paranoia... Ai yi yi
Forgot some of the other fodder for the most recent "From the Mouth of a Hoarder' in the last entry. How could I forget these things? Because she is continuing to go off the delusional rails to use a train wreck analogy.
The things I forgot to mention in my previous post include:
The things I forgot to mention in my previous post include:
- Her insisting that someone hit her 24 year old import station wagon. Of course there was no evidence of this, other than her passenger side rear wheel liner fell. The car is OLD. And having worked in dealerships and auto body in my past life, there are many organic reasons they fall. She went off the deep end, called the police, demanded the 'cameras' in the parking lot be reviewed, and otherwise made an absolute nuisance of herself. She stopped by a garage that a stranger recommended since she was regaling a doctor's office with this last bit of indignity, and as I suspected. It took a couple of washers, a couple of larger bore screws and it was fixed. The garage did not charge her. She was almost sulky that it was so easily remedied and is still angry at the store and at the police for not looking at the video surveillance.
- Despite her neighbor giving me the heads up that she let my mother know that the 'hated neighbor in the turn' has his house advertised on a social media group and that my mother demanding she come show her on (the neighbor's) phone, my stated the neighbor 'rushed over to show her' and got angry when I indicated that I did not care if the house was for sale, for how much, and what it looked like- that I would not join this group and look at it, and I kept shutting down the conversation in which she accused him of damaging all but one storm door in what she says, is an effort to kill her. She accuses him of setting at least 4 fires over the past 40 years, so therefore he is going to burn her up in her house after he kicks in the final storm door. Nevermind that all three 'exits' are already blocked by a stage 5 hoard.
- She still says he is 'coming in the house'... References putting 'snake poop' in her basement, loosening the bulb over the washer, stealing her stalking log, and picking her locks so all her door knobs are scratched. Oh, and cutting her 20 year old screens on her screened in porch.
- She disconnected her landline, and tried to port her number over to a basic flip phone. She cancelled that phone after 3 days 'because they cannot do anything right' and could not add a second line to the cell phone. Um... Google Talk anyone?
- She is going to the competitor today to get the phone...
- She also has a cat that is only peeing a small amount, so she has decided since the kitty is inactive, 12 years old, and obese, she will have her put to sleep. I was absolutely livid, but who knows what is true.
So, that is most of the forgotten FTMOAH.
Um... Enjoy? And not once has she asked how I am doing or feeling, and I am actually glad.
I am leaving for my friend's -who just was released from the hospital yesterday- tomorrow, and I will be inaccessible to her for at least 3-4 days. Thank goodness.
Thank you for reading. Hoarding... No one wins. No one.
Monday, July 10, 2017
An update and a bit of 'From the Mouth of a Hoarder' (FTMOAH)
What a busy few days it has been! Full of the fun things, and the 'WTF' things...
Had a lovely weekend of shopping and fun. Spent Sunday at the pool, did a spot of swimming and got some sun. Enroute to a large urban area about 90 minutes from home with a friend, I starting getting text messages from my hoarding mother's neighbor. Long story short(er), my hoarding mother called her up to the fence and she surreptitiously got a couple of pictures of her. Now my mother is ANTI-PHOTOGRAPH. Even in my wedding she did not allow herself to be photographed, and did all she could to create drama at my reception by hiding in the bathroom and in the kitchen. So... The woman who:
Had a lovely weekend of shopping and fun. Spent Sunday at the pool, did a spot of swimming and got some sun. Enroute to a large urban area about 90 minutes from home with a friend, I starting getting text messages from my hoarding mother's neighbor. Long story short(er), my hoarding mother called her up to the fence and she surreptitiously got a couple of pictures of her. Now my mother is ANTI-PHOTOGRAPH. Even in my wedding she did not allow herself to be photographed, and did all she could to create drama at my reception by hiding in the bathroom and in the kitchen. So... The woman who:
- Tirelessly appearance shames others in every conversation, talking about how much weight they have gained, how wrinkled they are, how much gray hair they have, and the like...
- Complains about how frail she is, how she has to use a cane everywhere she goes, at the grocery or other stores she gets a cart to use as a walker, talks about all the 'wonderful strangers' that offer her help to get things, carry things, and wonder why she has no one that helps her...
Was photographed purposefully striding across the yard, unaided by any cane. She is far heavier than I have ever seen her, and she is extremely gray now, as one would expect someone of 80 years old to be. She is also very wrinkled, and the expression on her face, which I thought little of because that is her normal expression, is grim.
This is not to appearance shame her. She does not look her age, at all. But, she is telling me that she is losing weight because she is unable to shop and cook for herself, and that she is not 'white headed' like everyone she sees and clucks over like it is a character flaw, and talks about how wrinkled and old they look. She gives me hell on a regular basis about my appearance and weight, how short my hair is, how wrinkled around the eyes I am, and that I have been obese in my life, and I am not under 100 pounds anymore like I was when I was so sick in 2013. I am going to have a hard time not rolling my eyes so hard they get stuck in the back of my head the next time she starts her crap. She was going on about how swollen her legs were and how she could wear nothing but flip flops (that she calls TONGS) and that is not true either. So as I suspected, 90-99% of what she tells me is utter bull pucky, and I suspect this is one of the reasons she has avoided my overtures to see her in 2015 and 2016. A bit hard to frame my perception when her reality is so very different.
She also ran into her sister's daughter, who is also a narcissist. She, and her sister disowned this young woman in the early 80's for living a lifestyle they did not approve of, writing bad checks, living with men, and the ultimate piece was her dating <gasp> a black man, bless their little bigoted hearts. Now this woman who is now in her middle 50's is living back in the area, but in the time after her estrangement, stole my mothers estate from the nursing home and absconded with the funds, and stole quite a bit of jewelry when she left our house for the last time. So now my mother is rehashing all that ancient history all over again. LET IT GO. She cannot. So there is that.
She had a tree fall from the neighbor's yard and come down on her garage, allegedly. Of course she went scorched earth on that, the neighbor, and everyone else. She is going to sue him now, for this tree and the 3 others that have fallen over the past 4 years. But that is not the FTMOAH part.
Ready for it? FTMOAH...
She has been making obtuse yet dramatic references about 'what she has been going through' and 'what has happened here' that I have ignored, and after she managed to turn a discussion about me buying chocolate candy for the office to herself and that she has no air conditioning and has not... She has decided that the hated neighbor 'in the turn' jumped her locked fence, pried up the 'outside unit' of her heat pump, removed the good works, and replaced the old works with junk and closed it back up.
SAY WHAT? This is even more paranoid than the gas can incident several weeks ago. She has not called the police because she wants to get estimates for the damage and to back her up because they will not believe her.
Uh huh. They are not the only ones. She also will not leave if she sees 'he' is home unless she has a doctor's visit. She cannot leave the house empty or 'he' will come in. (Reference to the 'snake poop' incident, the loosening the light bulb over her washer incident, and the stealing her stalking log incident...)
She then goes on to tell me that she is sure something awful was done to the little brown cat that she essentially stole from a neighbor. She states that it has the largest butthole that she has ever seen, and she is sure that someone....
At that point I ended that verbal vomit from being spewed on me. REALLY? UGH!
There is much more, but I think you get the idea...
So, final piece. My doctor's visit on July 5th. We have a plan. I will be having surgery soon. I should get the call to schedule this week. The plan is to try to get the softball sized mass and the ovary out laparoscopically, and if they cannot due to endometriosis or scar tissue they will reopen my hysterectomy incision and go in that way to avoid disturbing my mesh midline incision repair. They will have a general surgeon and an oncological gynecologist on standby, and if I get in early, and it is laparoscopic, I will go home the same day. If anything more, I could be in one to 4 days. My doctor reviewed my past mammograms and wants me to have another to ensure the mass on my chest wall they have been watching has not changed, and she wants that done as part of my pre op. Um... YAY. I am sure it is fine. But okay.
Lot of moving parts happening right now. But it all will work out. My mother asks about my surgery, then immediately launches into a story about her medical issues. I think that it may be time to go from very low contact to EXTREMELY low contact. I cannot stand it. She is miserable, and I refuse to let her make me feel miserable.
Hope everyone is having a good week. Thank you for reading, and the support.
Hoarding, no one wins. No one.
Sunday, November 13, 2016
The Angry Sound of Silence
As I write this, I am listening to Disturbed's version of 'The Sound of Silence' on repeat. Fitting for this week, and the latest with my hoarding mother. You can listen to this for yourself here.
It has been a bit since I last posted, so a bit of catch up. My burgeoning relationship ended, not with a bang, but a whimper. And I am not sad... Just sad at the perception of the loss of something. All I will say is when someone states that they are a covert narcissist, believe them and run, do not walk, away. Which I did, and I am probably all-to-good at doing. I am not going to be treated as someone's toy whatever that they have on a shelf until they are ready to take me down and interact with me. I deserve so much more than that. And if someone is not able to swim a moat and fight a few alligators to earn my trust, than so be it. I, again, realize that I am very complete and happy on my own.
Healthwise I have a new appointment at the clinic, and this is now for early January. This is not great, since the original auto immune issue first raised its head in early November of last year, but I am closer than I have ever been. It is what it is. If this is Crohns, I am in a full blown flare right now. It has been wretched, and it appears I may have had a mild case of the flu or a really bad cold last week. I am on the mend, and I ran my first 5K since last December. My time was respectable for me, and it was a HILLY course. Today was supposed to be my first marathon, but I will continue training and plan for the spring. I realize I must get a grasp on what is happening with my health before I really can push how I need to in order to do this. Goal deferred, not denied. I will do it before I am 50. There is no 'try', there is only 'do'. For me, what the mind plans, the body follows.
One of the most divisive and ugly Presidential elections occurred this month. And I have been in a walking state of disbelief and grief over the increase in hate acts and negativity.
Work has been stressful, with me working way too much, and socializing, sleeping, and spending time with my precious cats way too little. A 12 hour day is the norm.
This all sets the stage for my mother. In 2010 she was bitten by one of her pet cats and ended up in emergency surgery to save her hand and her life. That was the last time I was in her home. She later revised the story to she was digging in the garden, but who knows what the truth is. And it was a truly horrible experience for yours truly. One I will not repeat. Well... She did. Allegedly, last Thursday she did what appears to be an almost exact replay. On Saturday afternoon while I am on a run I get a call from a nearby town to my hoarding mother, and I (correctly) guessed it was from her. I called her Friday afternoon and she was telling me how she did not know if she would survive a situation she found herself in, the whole high drama thing. The upshot is, she was screwing around in old wood, etc. that has been piled outside her hell-hole for 10 years or better late Thursday night (because this is what every immune suppressed, frail, walks-with-a-cane hoarder of nearly 80 years old does, DUH!) and said something stuck her finger, and she bled profusely. She went in, cleaned it out with H2O2 and used a leftover antibiotic cream, it got worse in a hurry, She disregarded the advice of the AARP tele-nurse she called to go to the emergency care unit, and instead waited until the next day to go to a local urgent care walk in clinic, where, of course, she did not tell them the entire story and was woefully undertreated. She was complaining of the 'worst pain in her life' and other types of drama. I suspected a spider bite, or a snake bite. She immediately poo-poohed that, and we ended the call.
It has been a bit since I last posted, so a bit of catch up. My burgeoning relationship ended, not with a bang, but a whimper. And I am not sad... Just sad at the perception of the loss of something. All I will say is when someone states that they are a covert narcissist, believe them and run, do not walk, away. Which I did, and I am probably all-to-good at doing. I am not going to be treated as someone's toy whatever that they have on a shelf until they are ready to take me down and interact with me. I deserve so much more than that. And if someone is not able to swim a moat and fight a few alligators to earn my trust, than so be it. I, again, realize that I am very complete and happy on my own.
Healthwise I have a new appointment at the clinic, and this is now for early January. This is not great, since the original auto immune issue first raised its head in early November of last year, but I am closer than I have ever been. It is what it is. If this is Crohns, I am in a full blown flare right now. It has been wretched, and it appears I may have had a mild case of the flu or a really bad cold last week. I am on the mend, and I ran my first 5K since last December. My time was respectable for me, and it was a HILLY course. Today was supposed to be my first marathon, but I will continue training and plan for the spring. I realize I must get a grasp on what is happening with my health before I really can push how I need to in order to do this. Goal deferred, not denied. I will do it before I am 50. There is no 'try', there is only 'do'. For me, what the mind plans, the body follows.
One of the most divisive and ugly Presidential elections occurred this month. And I have been in a walking state of disbelief and grief over the increase in hate acts and negativity.
Work has been stressful, with me working way too much, and socializing, sleeping, and spending time with my precious cats way too little. A 12 hour day is the norm.
This all sets the stage for my mother. In 2010 she was bitten by one of her pet cats and ended up in emergency surgery to save her hand and her life. That was the last time I was in her home. She later revised the story to she was digging in the garden, but who knows what the truth is. And it was a truly horrible experience for yours truly. One I will not repeat. Well... She did. Allegedly, last Thursday she did what appears to be an almost exact replay. On Saturday afternoon while I am on a run I get a call from a nearby town to my hoarding mother, and I (correctly) guessed it was from her. I called her Friday afternoon and she was telling me how she did not know if she would survive a situation she found herself in, the whole high drama thing. The upshot is, she was screwing around in old wood, etc. that has been piled outside her hell-hole for 10 years or better late Thursday night (because this is what every immune suppressed, frail, walks-with-a-cane hoarder of nearly 80 years old does, DUH!) and said something stuck her finger, and she bled profusely. She went in, cleaned it out with H2O2 and used a leftover antibiotic cream, it got worse in a hurry, She disregarded the advice of the AARP tele-nurse she called to go to the emergency care unit, and instead waited until the next day to go to a local urgent care walk in clinic, where, of course, she did not tell them the entire story and was woefully undertreated. She was complaining of the 'worst pain in her life' and other types of drama. I suspected a spider bite, or a snake bite. She immediately poo-poohed that, and we ended the call.
Back to the call today. I headed out for a mid-range to longer run and my phone rings. Through deductive reasoning, I was correct she was in the ECU and was being kept for treatment. Of course, she kept hanging up on me, then got pissed when I could not take her number as I was on a run and was about 3 miles from home in cornfields. After about 10 calls for a duration of a minute, all I know is she is being kept, and she does not want me to come. Good thing, because I am not. It was 2 1/2 hours later, before I heard anything other than she gave me a direct number to call her back, and it was not a good number. She stated her cell phone was out of battery power and she did not have a charger, and I had to call back on the cell and she did give me a room number so I could call the main number and be connected. She will not ask for the direct number.
I was bad and went out to dinner with a friend and she called multiple times, and kept complaining. I told her I would call her later when I returned home. I did so, and she was angry that she had been in the room for blah-blah time and had not seen anyone, and the upshot was, everyone was supposed to drop everything at this hospital and attend to her. She was threatening to leave and drive herself to hospitals 45 and 60 minutes away and going over the ridiculous top as she does. She also was freaking out about stupid things, and some legitimate things, but all were a 'CAPITAL-E-EMERGENCY'. Things like:
- She had not eaten since Thursday night.
- The 5 cats were in the bathroom and would have no food for however long, but do have water.
- Her outdoor cats would not be fed.
- No outside lights are on, so the neighbor hood thieves will break in, and she left her credit card on the counter! Horrors! (In the stage 5 hoard... cough cough)
- The paper will be delivered, further advertising she is not there!
- Her car is in the Emergency Room lot.
And the list goes on. My heart is with her cats, but she refuses any option to get someone in the house. One cat takes heart meds and glaucoma meds.
I am PISSED. She knows I am flying to FL to see friends for Thanksgiving, and that work has been killing me, I have a health issue I am trying to get to the bottom of (likelihood of Crohn's plus a large amount of fluid in my pelvis).
I am just fed up. And feeling less than empathetic. And I know in my home area in Appalachia, I am going to be the asshole no matter what, so let me be it. Late last night she called and stated that she was having surgery this morning, but again gave me no ability to call in. I waited until 12:30 pm and called her room, and she was back and furious. They had not put her out but had done a nerve block, her arm was still 'dead', she had not eaten, and she was throwing a fit on multiple levels and doing nothing to be part of her solution. Worse, she kept saying 'someone has come in, call me back in 2 minutes or so' and after about 4 times of this, I did not call her back.
I did try to check on her at 8pm, but she did not answer. I will try again in the morning, but I am truly close to the end of my endurance. She has not made any plans for her, her safety, her cats, their well being, and although I am sure her phone was not intentional (unless she is not telling the truth about the charge level, which is possible) she does everything to get in her own way.
Sorry for the long rant. I am so beaten down by this. It is just a matter of time before she starts ravaging me, and I predict if and when she does, it will be for the last time. I simply am done. And this is not going to end well. And the other piece? I have grants due TOMORROW that I have not worked on due to the constant interruptions and the low level of focus and bandwidth I have.
Thank goodness for my precious kitties, and my friends. This too will pass, but my patience is wearing thin. As I have said... Her trauma history is not her fault. Her mental illness, not her fault. Her intentional cruelty and manipulation, her refusal to be part of her own solution, even part way, THAT is what I hold her accountable for.
Good night all. Onward and upward. I hope.
Thursday, June 16, 2016
'Wow... seriously?' is most likely NOT an appropriate title for this, but...
First of all, it is ironic that I picked a Cafe' to get some blogging done, and I just realized that the table of young women near me (7 of them) are some sort of Meetup.com group that appears to be a group targeting folks with hoarding behaviors. They are discussing their meddling families attempting clean ups. It is fascinating, but triggering. I am moving to another table...
Anyway, my hoarding mother's latest. A neighbor's tree fell on her property, and according to her, he is an absentee slumlord who is inaccessible. She got a tree trimming service to come trim the tree back so she can get out of her detached garage, then they returned the next day to haul away the tree. This all heralded the normal amount of guano-loco that you can imagine. She has been calling local attorney's offices, as she plans to sue them too. Yay??
That same day, her garage door failed. She had to call someone out to repair it. The opener is over 25 years old, and may be older. Now, she has decided that the reason the part failed is someone forced it up to place the items they stole from her small 'storage barn' (shed) from the yard. She claims they put something in the lock after they forced it open, so she can no longer open it. My question was... how does she know what was stolen if she cannot open the door? That was ignored. So now, whomever did this forced her garage door open, placed those stolen-from-her-objects in the hoarded garage behind her car, with other things that are not hers, along with 'writing'. She did not read it because she is not getting close to it. I asked her if she called the police, and go the usual bluster and excuses. I ended the call.
Just. Seriously?
Saturday, June 4, 2016
Another episode of... From The Mouth Of A Hoarder!
Sharing a recent bit of craziness. My hoarding mother has a mobile phone. Not that it does her much good, as she refuses to give the number out, keep it on, keep it with her... You know, somehow be part of her own solution.
So I called to check in. And she starts off with her normal "I am so mad I could just KILL" bull crap. She informs me that she was curious after having a mobile since 1995 or so, as to what her voice mail greeting sounds like. So she called it. And promptly went off the deep end. It is a standard US major carrier that says something to the the effect of "You have reached..<insert my hoarding mother's name in her own voice> please leave a message."
Oh. The. Horror. Her name is out there for everyone to hear! The mobile provider did this! She called and spent hours on the phone arguing with random people who all told her the same thing I did. No one did that 'to her' or 'for her'. She did it. She was furious at the 'smart asses' that 'were more interested in telling me I was wrong' than fixing it. A person did tell her how to change her outgoing message, but that one said her phone number!!! Jesus wept. She finally found the option to do a personal greeting, and said that the phone now says "You have reached SALLY..."
I explained to her that likely that she set that up in 1994 or 1995 and forgot, but I hear that message in occasion, and it is indeed her voice. I got a lot of huffing, puffing and harrumphing type of noises, and she changed the subject and got off the phone quickly.
Before she got off the phone she wanted to know if she should buy a new spare since hers has been in her car since it was new (1994) and she wanted to know what she should do about getting her hearing aid serviced since they are in the same office as a doctor that discharged her from the practice, and according to her, she is not to be on their property even thought she did nothing to cause it. (I remember the incident that likely resulted in that refusal of service, and it was earned... revisionist history much?)
Ai yi yi. I have to laugh, or I would scream. Thanks for reading...
Friday, April 29, 2016
What is the definition of insanity? Look to my family, and me, I think...
This hails from my home state. I roll out tomorrow after having nearly a week of a lovely conference experience and good information to take back to my organization. Being with folks in my profession who are trained in my particular discipline is always refreshing.
What is NOT refreshing is being this close to my hoarding mother. Nothing has changed, really. Her conversations remain full of paranoia, delusion, denial, blame, intentional cruelty, willful ignorance, revisionist history, gross and inappropriate disclosure, and rumination.
Things I never need to hear about again: Her scaly, peeling moles; her bleeding moles; her 'sharp' and crusty feet; her jeans rubbing off on her bra; hair removal from places that make me wish there was brain bleach, and bodily functions... hers, the cats and random strangers. GAH! And you are most welcome for the mental pictures! Tis a service I provide...
I decided to inform her I was here for the conference the day I was leaving for it, mainly because I was concerned with her increasing paranoia she would call the shelter or the office in my absence and cause all kinds of chaos. Not a discussion I want to have with staff if I can help it, although most of them know about her after her stunt a few months ago.
After some thought, I decided to reach out once more. Give her the benefit of the doubt, and offer to go to her town and meet her for dinner. She is almost 80, and really has no one now. She has alienated most everyone at this point, and I let empathy get in the way of common sense. I planned to do it in a very structured way, and in a solution based manner that would minimize her strategy of 'a problem for every solution.' Keep in mind that she has not seen me in person since April 2013, two months before I had a life threatening health challenge that resulted in two major surgeries in under 11 months. Last year I was here and she declined to see me, then drug a cross to a former high school classmate and incited her to contact me and tell me that my mother 'just needed to be heard' and that it would do her good for me to visit.
Fast forward to last night. I called between sessions, and I just apprised her that I was available for dinner Friday night or lunch Saturday and would drive to her town. She immediately declined, stating that she had dental work done several weeks ago and her gum was still sore, and besides, with the amount of teeth she is missing and the appliance she wears for her TMJ issue, she does not eat in front of anyone. I was pleasant, and ended the call quickly. She seemed in excellent spirits, and it did not hit me until today... she was WAITING to do that. It obviously triggered a secondary gain of some sort for her. I am convinced of it. She told the neighbor what she had done, who texted me. The neighbor told her she could sip a soda, eat an ice cream, but my mother had a problem for every solution. Last year was not an anomaly. Her failure to do anything remotely mother-like in August of 2013 or July of 2014 was not an accident. She has no intention to see me. I could speculate why, but in the end, it is just that- speculation- and does not matter. You cannot determine intent from someone that is simply not rational... Or someone who is coldly narcissistic.
And who loses here? Sadly, she does. I have already realized long ago that I am not the daughter she wanted. What she does not understand is she is far from the mother I needed and deserved when I was younger, and I have scars from that, but they are relatively well healed scars. And I need to stop giving her the opportunity to wound me again. Last year I was angry and hurt. This year, it stung slightly, and I kvetched to friends via text, and I have great friends that I simply do not deserve. They rock. I was mostly annoyed that I knew how this was going to play out, and I did it anyway.
I resolve to use this as the learning experience it is. I really believe that you either succeed or you learn, and both is technically a win. Apparently this lesson I had to repeat. I got it now. The saddest thing is at nearly 80 years old, she will most likely never be given the option to see me in person again.
Sometimes, mother, you reap what you sow. Sometimes you get what you want. Tonight, I had dinner with lovely friends and a wonderful restaurant, and I got to witness another patron propose to his fiancee. It was such a happy event, and I am so glad to have had such a great evening. Epic win for me, I think!
Tomorrow I am driving to my hometown to eat at my favorite restaurant and to see a couple of friends before I roll several hours home. Once home, I am invited to a bonfire at friends. Sunday is brunch with another group of friends, then back to work for two gruelling deadlines. Life returns to normal.
I will be back for the conference next year, but she will not know it. Or maybe she will, but I will be simply too busy to see her. I choose to fill my life with what is positive, affirming, and pleasurable. I have no more time for this.
My life has challenges. I am still fighting to get into the specialist to evaluate the autoimmune issue that is continuing to escalate. I have hit a few roadblocks to getting into the therapist I wish to see that has experience with adult children of hoarders and adults with significant trauma histories. I will persevere and will figure it out, even if I have to pay for them myself and figure out insurance later. Work/life balance is still wonky, but after the 9th it should resume 'normal but busy' rather than 'bone crushing deadlines'. I am still struggling to get ready for a marathon- but it will only change the race I choose to run, not whether I race it. I have Mother's Day coming up the day after my birthday. That has me in a weird place, but I will push through and focus on all that is right with my life, and it is a lot. I have essentially no biological family that is not toxic, but I have many great friends that are my family of choice.
Life is meant to be lived at full volume, and I refuse to do anything less. Lesson learned. No ifs, ands, or buts.
Thank you for reading!
What is NOT refreshing is being this close to my hoarding mother. Nothing has changed, really. Her conversations remain full of paranoia, delusion, denial, blame, intentional cruelty, willful ignorance, revisionist history, gross and inappropriate disclosure, and rumination.
Things I never need to hear about again: Her scaly, peeling moles; her bleeding moles; her 'sharp' and crusty feet; her jeans rubbing off on her bra; hair removal from places that make me wish there was brain bleach, and bodily functions... hers, the cats and random strangers. GAH! And you are most welcome for the mental pictures! Tis a service I provide...
I decided to inform her I was here for the conference the day I was leaving for it, mainly because I was concerned with her increasing paranoia she would call the shelter or the office in my absence and cause all kinds of chaos. Not a discussion I want to have with staff if I can help it, although most of them know about her after her stunt a few months ago.
After some thought, I decided to reach out once more. Give her the benefit of the doubt, and offer to go to her town and meet her for dinner. She is almost 80, and really has no one now. She has alienated most everyone at this point, and I let empathy get in the way of common sense. I planned to do it in a very structured way, and in a solution based manner that would minimize her strategy of 'a problem for every solution.' Keep in mind that she has not seen me in person since April 2013, two months before I had a life threatening health challenge that resulted in two major surgeries in under 11 months. Last year I was here and she declined to see me, then drug a cross to a former high school classmate and incited her to contact me and tell me that my mother 'just needed to be heard' and that it would do her good for me to visit.
Fast forward to last night. I called between sessions, and I just apprised her that I was available for dinner Friday night or lunch Saturday and would drive to her town. She immediately declined, stating that she had dental work done several weeks ago and her gum was still sore, and besides, with the amount of teeth she is missing and the appliance she wears for her TMJ issue, she does not eat in front of anyone. I was pleasant, and ended the call quickly. She seemed in excellent spirits, and it did not hit me until today... she was WAITING to do that. It obviously triggered a secondary gain of some sort for her. I am convinced of it. She told the neighbor what she had done, who texted me. The neighbor told her she could sip a soda, eat an ice cream, but my mother had a problem for every solution. Last year was not an anomaly. Her failure to do anything remotely mother-like in August of 2013 or July of 2014 was not an accident. She has no intention to see me. I could speculate why, but in the end, it is just that- speculation- and does not matter. You cannot determine intent from someone that is simply not rational... Or someone who is coldly narcissistic.
And who loses here? Sadly, she does. I have already realized long ago that I am not the daughter she wanted. What she does not understand is she is far from the mother I needed and deserved when I was younger, and I have scars from that, but they are relatively well healed scars. And I need to stop giving her the opportunity to wound me again. Last year I was angry and hurt. This year, it stung slightly, and I kvetched to friends via text, and I have great friends that I simply do not deserve. They rock. I was mostly annoyed that I knew how this was going to play out, and I did it anyway.
I resolve to use this as the learning experience it is. I really believe that you either succeed or you learn, and both is technically a win. Apparently this lesson I had to repeat. I got it now. The saddest thing is at nearly 80 years old, she will most likely never be given the option to see me in person again.
Sometimes, mother, you reap what you sow. Sometimes you get what you want. Tonight, I had dinner with lovely friends and a wonderful restaurant, and I got to witness another patron propose to his fiancee. It was such a happy event, and I am so glad to have had such a great evening. Epic win for me, I think!
Tomorrow I am driving to my hometown to eat at my favorite restaurant and to see a couple of friends before I roll several hours home. Once home, I am invited to a bonfire at friends. Sunday is brunch with another group of friends, then back to work for two gruelling deadlines. Life returns to normal.
I will be back for the conference next year, but she will not know it. Or maybe she will, but I will be simply too busy to see her. I choose to fill my life with what is positive, affirming, and pleasurable. I have no more time for this.
My life has challenges. I am still fighting to get into the specialist to evaluate the autoimmune issue that is continuing to escalate. I have hit a few roadblocks to getting into the therapist I wish to see that has experience with adult children of hoarders and adults with significant trauma histories. I will persevere and will figure it out, even if I have to pay for them myself and figure out insurance later. Work/life balance is still wonky, but after the 9th it should resume 'normal but busy' rather than 'bone crushing deadlines'. I am still struggling to get ready for a marathon- but it will only change the race I choose to run, not whether I race it. I have Mother's Day coming up the day after my birthday. That has me in a weird place, but I will push through and focus on all that is right with my life, and it is a lot. I have essentially no biological family that is not toxic, but I have many great friends that are my family of choice.
Life is meant to be lived at full volume, and I refuse to do anything less. Lesson learned. No ifs, ands, or buts.
Thank you for reading!
Sunday, March 27, 2016
Easter Sunday- 2016
I am embarrassed that it has been almost 2 months since my last post. No excuse for it, I have once again allowed my work/life balance to get out of whack, and although much of this is really a one time thing, I realized that I have done what I always do when the situation with my hoarding mother and my narcissistic family erupts, I put my head down and I simply WORK. And that is what I have done.
Now, in the midst of opening a new program at work, moving our Admin offices to a new location and having multiple grant deadlines and EOQ reporting deadlines looming I am still training for races, so two priorities have emerged... work and running. And my cats are always a priority!
Today is the observance of Easter in the US. Other than a nearly 10 mile run, I have not been off the place, have not worked (or not much anyway!) and have spent a lovely day cuddling with my cats, cooking lovely healthy food and had wine with dinner. My day has been peaceful. I have napped in my favorite chair, caught up with emails, and rested as the next week will be a descent into moving and deadline hell. The thing I have done, however, is use work to shield from friends and have not had a lot of interaction with them. I have to say that most of my friends understand my chaotic work schedule, and at times, I disappear for a while, but it is simply not fair to them. And some of them have going through rough times this year, and because I was immersed in work, or dealing with my own issues, I feel I was not the friend I could be. I will simply HAVE to change that. Must.
From the family front, I occasionally get a call from my mother's sister, my hoarding aunt who is in the process of decompensating. She calls to tell me things like the neighbor has cameras and technology in her house and car, and he is playing music to her, and watching her and harassing her, etc. She claims my narcissistic sister is at the heart of it, and her delusions are on par with her limited and dated understanding of technology. She has now decided that the psychotic break she had last May was not a medication interaction, but a hologram by this neighbor. Ugh. She is called the police constantly, so I am hoping that action will be taken by them to get her into care if she continues to deteriorate. Like my mother, she has pushed everyone away. She calls, and blows my phone up by hanging up and calling back tens of hundreds of times if I do not answer, which effectively blocks my phone from any other calls (like work since I am on call 24/7/365) and my response has been to answer and let her pontificate and end the call when I can. Other than 'hello' and 'I have to go' I do not have to say anything. Luckily, my narcissister is otherwise occupied, as is my niece so I do not have that level of drama right now, however, I suspect since my birthday is coming up I will hear from them.
With all of that, my hoarding mother has continued to decline as well, and it is terrifying to watch her and her estranged sister progress down a parallel track of mental illness, paranoia, narcissism, and decompensation. She is convinced the neighbor is sneaking in, and she too, like her sister, has alienated almost every physician in a small rural area and is now having issues get her prescriptions refilled and is having doctors who are referred refuse her as a patient because of her behavior in the past. Her ability in creating a revisionist history amazes me, and again, I simply do not know what is true and what is not.
Next month I will be traveling to my home state for a conference, and last April I tried to see her and she declined. I really have no intention of making an effort to see her this time. Now, I know I may feel differently... Maybe I should read the entries from the end of April last year and the beginning of May to refresh my memory if I start to waver... I do not need a helping of misery. I continue to keep my contact very, very low, as going no contact would kick off a hate campaign of crazy that I do not have the time or energy to deal with right now.
The other thing that has become apparent to me is I continue to put others first, and I have rescheduled my doctor's appointment to get to the root of the autoimmune issues I am having and the fact that I tried to push on in spite of having Type B Influenza earlier this month (before I knew I had it). I have also rescheduled an initial appointment with a therapist, but I have the doctor's appointment and the therapist appointment in May. Last May was a hard month with Mother's Day being so close to my birthday, interference and guilt from 'flying monkeys' of my mother's, and other things. I was in a very lonely and isolated place a year ago. I want to be prepared this go around.
I am doing okay. I could always do better, and that is what I want to do. I do not want to get into the mindset of 'good enough' as I see how well that serves dysfunction. And we all know I have seen plenty of THAT.
Have a great week everyone. Thank you for reading.
Now, in the midst of opening a new program at work, moving our Admin offices to a new location and having multiple grant deadlines and EOQ reporting deadlines looming I am still training for races, so two priorities have emerged... work and running. And my cats are always a priority!
Today is the observance of Easter in the US. Other than a nearly 10 mile run, I have not been off the place, have not worked (or not much anyway!) and have spent a lovely day cuddling with my cats, cooking lovely healthy food and had wine with dinner. My day has been peaceful. I have napped in my favorite chair, caught up with emails, and rested as the next week will be a descent into moving and deadline hell. The thing I have done, however, is use work to shield from friends and have not had a lot of interaction with them. I have to say that most of my friends understand my chaotic work schedule, and at times, I disappear for a while, but it is simply not fair to them. And some of them have going through rough times this year, and because I was immersed in work, or dealing with my own issues, I feel I was not the friend I could be. I will simply HAVE to change that. Must.
From the family front, I occasionally get a call from my mother's sister, my hoarding aunt who is in the process of decompensating. She calls to tell me things like the neighbor has cameras and technology in her house and car, and he is playing music to her, and watching her and harassing her, etc. She claims my narcissistic sister is at the heart of it, and her delusions are on par with her limited and dated understanding of technology. She has now decided that the psychotic break she had last May was not a medication interaction, but a hologram by this neighbor. Ugh. She is called the police constantly, so I am hoping that action will be taken by them to get her into care if she continues to deteriorate. Like my mother, she has pushed everyone away. She calls, and blows my phone up by hanging up and calling back tens of hundreds of times if I do not answer, which effectively blocks my phone from any other calls (like work since I am on call 24/7/365) and my response has been to answer and let her pontificate and end the call when I can. Other than 'hello' and 'I have to go' I do not have to say anything. Luckily, my narcissister is otherwise occupied, as is my niece so I do not have that level of drama right now, however, I suspect since my birthday is coming up I will hear from them.
With all of that, my hoarding mother has continued to decline as well, and it is terrifying to watch her and her estranged sister progress down a parallel track of mental illness, paranoia, narcissism, and decompensation. She is convinced the neighbor is sneaking in, and she too, like her sister, has alienated almost every physician in a small rural area and is now having issues get her prescriptions refilled and is having doctors who are referred refuse her as a patient because of her behavior in the past. Her ability in creating a revisionist history amazes me, and again, I simply do not know what is true and what is not.
Next month I will be traveling to my home state for a conference, and last April I tried to see her and she declined. I really have no intention of making an effort to see her this time. Now, I know I may feel differently... Maybe I should read the entries from the end of April last year and the beginning of May to refresh my memory if I start to waver... I do not need a helping of misery. I continue to keep my contact very, very low, as going no contact would kick off a hate campaign of crazy that I do not have the time or energy to deal with right now.
The other thing that has become apparent to me is I continue to put others first, and I have rescheduled my doctor's appointment to get to the root of the autoimmune issues I am having and the fact that I tried to push on in spite of having Type B Influenza earlier this month (before I knew I had it). I have also rescheduled an initial appointment with a therapist, but I have the doctor's appointment and the therapist appointment in May. Last May was a hard month with Mother's Day being so close to my birthday, interference and guilt from 'flying monkeys' of my mother's, and other things. I was in a very lonely and isolated place a year ago. I want to be prepared this go around.
I am doing okay. I could always do better, and that is what I want to do. I do not want to get into the mindset of 'good enough' as I see how well that serves dysfunction. And we all know I have seen plenty of THAT.
Have a great week everyone. Thank you for reading.
Sunday, January 17, 2016
And there is not a break for the wicked, it seems...
Wow. That is all I can say at this point.
WOW.
I just hung up from my hoarding mother's equally narcissistic and mentally ill sister, from whom she is totally estranged. She also is on the hoarding scale, and has much of the same trauma history as my mother, and much of the same co occurring disorders as my mother, mental health and other. My hoarding aunt had a psychotic break in the later sixties and was hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital for a while.
If you are a regular reader, you might remember some drama between her and my narcisster (my lovely play on words for my half narcissistic sister) in May (about the time of my birthday) where the events culminated in my aunt calling the police for domestic violence on my sister, and ending up in the psychiatric ward of the local hospital.
At Christmas I got a lovely holiday card filled with a crazy rant about my half sister. I have not initiated contact, and even downloaded the 'silent' ringtone for my smartphone so it does not ring when she calls.
Well, tonight she called. I was eating a quick dinner prior to a Skype meeting, so I did not answer. After the meeting, I listened to the message, and realized if I did not call her, she would continue to call, and this was going to be a doozy...
So I girded my loins. And I called her. And I said little else other than 'hello' and 'well, I have to go'.
I will spare you the exact quotes, but the high points (low points?) of her communique were:
WOW.
I just hung up from my hoarding mother's equally narcissistic and mentally ill sister, from whom she is totally estranged. She also is on the hoarding scale, and has much of the same trauma history as my mother, and much of the same co occurring disorders as my mother, mental health and other. My hoarding aunt had a psychotic break in the later sixties and was hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital for a while.
If you are a regular reader, you might remember some drama between her and my narcisster (my lovely play on words for my half narcissistic sister) in May (about the time of my birthday) where the events culminated in my aunt calling the police for domestic violence on my sister, and ending up in the psychiatric ward of the local hospital.
At Christmas I got a lovely holiday card filled with a crazy rant about my half sister. I have not initiated contact, and even downloaded the 'silent' ringtone for my smartphone so it does not ring when she calls.
Well, tonight she called. I was eating a quick dinner prior to a Skype meeting, so I did not answer. After the meeting, I listened to the message, and realized if I did not call her, she would continue to call, and this was going to be a doozy...
So I girded my loins. And I called her. And I said little else other than 'hello' and 'well, I have to go'.
I will spare you the exact quotes, but the high points (low points?) of her communique were:
- She is hearing faint music at night, near her refrigerator, in her heating ducts, and sometimes outside near the heating air return.
- She blames my narcissister.
- She is convinced she has put something in her house.
- She is convinced it is a tape player, but one of those newfangled ones that is smaller than a fingernail.
- She has had an HVAC repair person in to check, but in her opinion he did not believe her, and was too young to do such a job.
- She also has people stopping in the street to stare into her house at night.
- She has people running between her house and the house next door and scratching her new windows, slapping the siding, and all kinds of drama.
- She has gone to Best Buy, and to other electronic purveyors to find out what this is.
- She has decided it works remotely like a drone, and she knows drones can only operate from 500 yards.
- She says her psychiatrist is who told her something was planted in the house by my narcissister.
- She also said the psychiatrist told her that it is possible I escaped the mental health issues my mother and sister have, however most of those show up by 52 or so... [Um really? Most mental illness shows much earlier... dementia is another story...]
She also told paranoid stories and chattered on for almost 2 hours I am done. I have done my time. No more of this.
She made sure to slip in her birthday (which I did not acknowledge) and also discussed how she was strapped for money (not touching that one either).
It would all be funny if it were not so flipping sad. My hoarding mother hears music when she goes off her psychotropic meds. She hears orchestra music, and my aunt hears a variety of fundamental church hymn type of music. They both also hear and feel a 'motor' running.
Hoarding... no one wins. No one.
Here is another older woman who sits alone due to the choices she has made... estranged from most everyone.
Have a good week everyone. Thank you for reading.
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