Mother's Day 2017

Not my favorite time of year, normally, but today has not been too bad.  I think mainly due to 75+ hour plus weeks at work, plus a bit of consulting have kept me off of social media for the most part, and I have had a lovely day full of friends and food, and a quiet day with my lovely cats.  I have been trying to connect with friends more the past few weeks, and despite the breakneck pace at work I am attempting to make time for what is important.  Despite all the positives, Mother's Day for those with abusive, narcissistic or otherwise emotionally unavailable mothers really is a low point of the year. 

Last week was my 48th birthday.  Usually Mother's Day casts a pall on it as well, but thanks to my friends and those closest to me, I had a wonderful week and did some really fun things.  It was a low key birthday, but I really enjoyed it.  Only two years until 50!  My mother had to point out that I am now at the age my father was when he passed away.  I did make a discovery... My mother has always claimed my father died at age 47.  I found a picture of the gravestone that was taken by a Veteran's organization, and that is not true.  He was 48 and 4 months when he passed.  It has only taken me 28 years to figure that out.  When she mentioned it, I apprised her of that and her response was "whatever".  The next week she made the reference to age 47 again.  Revisionist history?

The week prior to my birthday I was in my home state for the conference I attend every year.  I was sick and recovering from a decent respiratory infection, but I did not let her know I was in state, did not call her, did not attempt to arrange to see her.  When she kept asking where I was for a week, I finally told her.  She dropped the subject and did not ask any questions.  Lesson learned from the prior two years... She has earned that.  She has not seen me since April 2013, and I strongly doubt she will ever see me face to face again.  After all, her response to her neighbor when she asked why she did not see me last year was 'we talk on the phone and that is enough'.  Trust me, it is MORE than enough for me.  Not giving her the opportunity to play power games and feel like she is 'disappointing me' by withholding her presence.  I had a lovely time visiting former coworkers and friends, and returned feeling better than when I left.  I slept well, despite the realization that my home state is very triggering for me.  More on that in a future post...

Just a health update, went back to the nationally acclaimed teaching hospital on Friday, and am starting the testing process to determine the next steps in removing the fluid from my pelvis.  I am a bit concerned it may have increased or my lone remaining ovary is 'cooking' something due to issues similar to 2013... Issues voiding my bladder, GI issues and appetite issues, exhaustion, and the like.  By the first week of July I hope to have a diagnosis from the GI folks, which the gynecologist feels is most likely EDS, and a plan from the gynecologist.  This all started a year ago this week, and it has been a journey, but I feel I am closer to a diagnosis than I ever have been, especially since the life threatening tumor issue in 2013.  

Now... Where my hoarding mother comes into it.  She never asks about how I am doing, etc., and if she does it is merely a springboard to talk about herself.  She asked something about Friday and I told her I was not working, and when she asked I advised her I had a medical appointment.  Her response?  "I need you to tell me when they figure out what is going on with you because I am POSITIVE that is what is wrong with me too!"

Um, REALLY?  Thanks for your concern.  I forgot that it is always ALL ABOUT HER.  (Not really, but...)  She has been really challenging to talk to the past several weeks.  Her new thing to attempt to assail me with is her concerns she has:

1. Had a stroke in the past two years or so, states her memory is affected, but refuses to take her concerns to her doctor.
2. Temporal arteritis (sp?) that could result in blindness.
3. All kinds of random issues from the gross to potentially alarming

Now, the hard thing is to know what is accurate, what is true, and what is merely an extension of her malignant narcissism.  

She continues to demonstrate continued decline.  She has decided that her (hated) neighbor has:

1. Broken into her heavily hoarded three car garage.
2. Stolen two gas cans and the gas from her riding mower.
3. Returned two different gas cans with gas in them.
4. Damaged her seat belt assembly in her 24 year old car.

The list goes on.  She has returned to being extremely judgmental about other folks' appearances... (Forgetting that with only 11 teeth and no dentures or a partial and with her personal hygiene and clothing choices it is unlikely she will be selected for America's Next Top Model any time soon).  Her gossiping and rumor mongering is simply toxic and negative, and she has no concept that although it may be human nature to be curious about something, it is totally inappropriate in most cases to speculate or to ask.  She spends much of her time ruminating, speculating, and investing her time in the museum of petty grudges and misunderstandings.  She is also convinced the other neighbor is damaging her outside lights so the bulbs keep blowing after only a few weeks.

Her boundaries have continued to deteriorate, and she contacted a gentleman that I was friends with/close to 25 years ago or so using her super-stalker skills, and he did come out and do a bit of handyman work.  He has not returned her call or come out since.  She keeps asking questions about him, and I keep responding that I do not know the man any longer, it has been over 20 years.  She has no concept of what was is now no longer.  For her, life is the land that time forgot.  I continue to have her on the extreme low contact plan to help keep my sanity intact.  

I continue to run, and I have not been racing as much.  I have been doing a bit more cross training when my energy levels are low, and I am beginning to map by eating and training plan to ensure I am ready for a 1/2 in later summer and a full marathon in the fall.  I have an obstacle race in October that I need to work on core and upper body strength for.  Burpees are NOT my friend right now!  Running and working out acts as my meditative space, and keeps me sane.  I am battling an IT band issue and an Achilles tendon issue, but I am continuing to train.  I will not be defeated.  

My two dear cats are doing well, and my oldest is now 15, with the other turning 14 in late July.  They are the love of my life.  I am hoping to resume a more normal schedule in a month or so, and I have some interesting opportunities that I hope to finalize by next post.  

Life is complex, busy, and for the most part, altogether wonderful.  I am at a crossroads in several areas, and I expect only the best.  I will not let my hoarding mother's issues frame my experiences.

Hoarding.  No one wins, but I refuse to let it defeat me.  Have a great week everyone!

An update and a bit of introspection...

How did it become mid October already?  Six and seven day work weeks putting in 60-80 hours a week is catching up with me.  This is a temporary thing, I had a staff member who went out early on Maternity leave, and we have many wrap up reporting things, new grant things, and new projects going on.  Such is life, and I hope things will pause for a moment in November.

I missed both half marathons due to work.  I am in the midst of another 'flare' of whatever this health issue is, and I am not sure my 26.2 is going to happen in mid November.  I will keep training and trying, however.  Sometimes life progress is not linear, it is the cha-cha.  I seem to be in the 'two steps back' phase.

My hoarding mother continues to wreak misery on anyone unwise enough to engage her or be within eye-view, sadly.  Her behavior continues to be selfish, self centered, and intentionally cruel.  She is consumed by resentment and paranoia, and she is simply unable to entertain any perspective but her own.  She cannot give anyone the benefit of the doubt, and does not have any understanding that folks are complex, are not singularly natured.  It is hard to tell what is even rooted in a bit of reality, and it makes me sad.  She did not ask for her trauma history, her mental illnesses... but she steadfastly refuses to be part of any solution.  

I keep thinking about her inability to be close to people.  How she alienates folks, engages in scorched earth reactions, and has no idea of boundaries or that other people exist independently of her and her wants.  

And I keep thinking of my challenges in trusting, allowing intimacy, and my current dating challenges. The person I am seeing is hanging on, barely, I think.  We have had the intimacy/trust conversation, and I think much of it is with all the stress (good and bad!) that is happening in my life at the moment I simply do not have the bandwidth to push through this.  He may simply be the right guy at the wrong time.  The question is... will there ever be a right time?  Will I allow that to happen?  

I did not adopt the Sphinx kitten, but tomorrow I pick up a 13 year kitty I filled out adoption papers on.  Her story tore my heart open, and I think my 14 year old rescue kitty needs a companion.  

I have been re-evaluating relationships and what is important.  I find my inner circle is shrinking, but the folks that are in that core group have great depth and my trust.  Maybe the person I am seeing is simply not there yet.  Maybe this is a marathon and not a sprint.  

I am making some small changes to try to get my health back in balance.  I do not have any answers as of yet, but considering I have had two flares pretty quickly, one right on top of the other, tells me that I am not dealing with stress as well as I would like to think.

I know I use work as a shield, and to insulate myself from pain.  I know that I have issues to address, and that trust will always be tough for me.  I know that I tend to focus on other things, putting everything else ahead of myself.  I also know I tend to be oh-so-critical of myself, and I need to cut myself a break.

Small steps, one day at a time.  I deserve that much!

Have a great evening.

Hoarding, no one wins.

Life in the 'Adult Child of a Hoarding Parent' Lane... Not quite as catchy as 'Life in the Fast Lane'...

[Referencing the title of this blog...]  Nor as fun.

Sorry it has been so long since my last post.  I did what I do when life gets complicated.  I went to ground.  I am trying to work on that behavior, but I seem to continue to suck spectacularly at it.  With that being said, where we are...

I could blame a lot of the challenges I have been experiencing on work, and that would be only partially true.  Work has been busy with year end stuff, staff turnover/hiring, and expanding the legal center and starting a therapy program that we were just funded for.  Work is expanding and growing, and with that, it is expanding beyond our current capacity and that is PAINFUL.  For all staff, and especially for me.  But I revel in these challenges.  I am still not consulting, and although my discretionary income feels the pinch, I needed to focus on my health and the day job.  

I have things I have got to get done.  Getting my 2015 taxes done (yeah, I know) and basic things.  I have been trying to regain my momentum in preparing for a marathon in November, and that has not been exactly linear.  I may or may not run a 1/2 marathon this coming weekend, and if not, I will run one 2-3 weeks later.  I was doing great, and have had a bit of a GI flare.  My GI consult was rescheduled for October, and now all my records have been secured, and it appears they are thinking Crohn's is the most likely diagnosis.  There are worse things, and I just want answers, and a plan to remove the fluid that is still in my pelvis.  But, overall, I am doing well despite not sleeping.  

My hoarding mother is continuing to be her normal, cruel and malevolent self.  She is to the point where no matter what, she cannot get along with anyone, and cannot get contractor and yard work done.  She is also getting declined all over town as a new patient for primary care physicians.  Word is out in the small Appalachian town she resides in.  Her delusions of persecution and of social status continue.  She continues to have violence ideations, and her 'conversations' with me are little more than a pontification pedestal for whatever she is zealously evangelizing about, in her disturbed and intentionally cruel way.  Every foray into town, every interaction with a neighbor, every phone call devolves into a confrontation and a scorched earth reaction.  

I had the pleasure of going to central Florida in late August for a week to stay with friends.  She has yet to ask about my trip.  I did not talk to her for over a week, and it was absolutely everything I hoped it could be.  My trip was relaxing, and full of fun, boats, airboats, alligators, shopping and the beach in Sarasota, relaxing and running in the sunshine.  It was simply perfect.  My mother has no frame of reference for friendship, nor taking a vacation.  

I have been trying to see my friends more and trying to not completely go to ground, and my dating life has been, um, interesting.  I have been seeing someone since early June, but we have not had the exclusivity conversation yet, and neither of us are ready for that.  So... I am continuing to date.  I have had three dates in less than 24 hours one weekend, and I am going to pull my profile soon.  I have realized that I have such deep, deep trust/intimacy issues that I may need help to broach them.  I am watching someone who would like to have a more physical relationship pull back because I do not know how to let someone love me.  I have several thoughts on this, but I am just so guarded and armored that it will take a while, and in 2016 middle aged dating moves fast.  I have to accept my deficit, and accept the consequences.  I am taking it one day at a time... but I feel pretty sure I have blown this relationship before it has gotten started.  It is really sad, and I seem stuck and unwilling to fix it.  I did mention to my mother I was dating, and she is, of course, overly critical of that.  She was excited I was seeing a doctor briefly, but it became clear he was looking for a wife and a stepmother to his teenage sons.  Um... NO.  Maybe I should stick to cats.

My ex husband, who is a dear friend, is on downward spiral.  He has left his long term life partner, has been off work on medical leave for the past 2 months, and is seemingly on a trajectory similar to the one that happened when he and I ended our marriage in 2008.  Again, not my circus, not my monkeys, but it has reopened some wounds that I thought were healed well and scarred over.  Apparently not.

Speaking of cats, my remaining kitty is doing well since the passing of my baby girl nearly two months ago, but in letting myself grieve and heal, I may have done her a disservice.  She seems more anxious when I am gone, and my Florida trip was hard for her.  It was compounded by the fact she had ended up in the emergency vet the week before, and what looked to be serious (as in putting her to sleep serious) turned out to be easily remedied.  I thought I was going to lose a third kitty girl in barely over 12 months, and it was horrible.  So... I found a Sphinx kitty to rescue, and I meet her tomorrow.  Hopefully she is compatible.  My hoarding mother is totally against me getting a hairless cat.  She has decided they are similar to the Chinese Crested dog, and stated it will die young, will be prone to skin cancer and problems, and all kinds of factually inaccurate information.  She is also against me getting another cat period, apparently... Who knows for what reason.  And I do not care what she thinks.  Not her circus, not her monkeys.  I have a lot of love to give a kitty, and I have always wanted a Sphinx kitty.  And now I have the opportunity.  And for some reason she simply cannot stand it.

She claims she is going to an attorney to put my name on her house.  One, I do not want it, and two, I will believe it when I see it.  I do not want to be on the hook for a 1960's rancher that is a level 5 hoard.  I know I can reject that when the time comes, but OY.  She was also allegedly told she needs a knee replacement.  That will not happen. She will be 80 in December, and I do not see any of this going any easier or any better.  I have connected with a local narcissistic mother group for women, and it has been extremely helpful to connect face to face with others struggling with the same thing.  I also had another 'aha' moment with them when I shared something I considered relatively minor in a self-deprecating, sarcastic and humorous way... I was eating sushi and was looking down, and since there was silence I looked up to 3 faces of varying degrees of horror, anger and compassion.  I have dissociated from the sheer awfulness of my growing up with her that I have no frame of reference it seems.  This is the second time this has happened, and it is shocking to me and strangely validating.  

I did experience intentional and malevolent abuse at the hands of my mother.  

I survived. 

I did not escape unscarred, however.

I will continue to learn, to love, to grow, and to combat my own demons.  

I will live life at full volume.  

This is the direct opposite of my hoarding mother.  Growth is painful.  Self examination can hurt.  But it is worth it in the end, and failure to do so results in merely existing and not living.  My hoarding mother is a shining example of that.

Onward and upward.  Hoarding and narcissism... No one wins.  No one.

The final day in the month that contains Mother's Day...

I truly have no issue with May, although from my last few posts and the title of this one it seems that I do.  This was just a hard May for me, and full of events that put me in a place of introspection.  Although I often state that some wounds do not need to be reopened in order for a body (and figuratively… mind) to heal, opened they were. 

The weekend of Mother’s Day I attended a retirement party for a woman I have known professionally for nearly 16 years, and the last year as a member of her Board of Directors.  I was part of the CEO search, and another person I know from the organization was selected, someone I have also known for the same amount of time.  It was an unusual event to say the least, irreverent and quirky, and honestly I would expect little else. 

Since it was the evening prior to MD, many folks brought their mothers.  The incoming CEO was one.  I had the pleasure of sitting with her, and another senior member of management that brought her mother as well.  The woman who was the incoming CEO emceed a good portion of the event, and the outgoing CEO recognized her for her work, her loyalty, and her new position.  The new CEO spoke about her early days, the mentoring she received from many in the room, and spoke to the large role her mother played in inspiring her, putting her on the path to where she was, and her mother’s selfless service to others as a public health professional.  I watched her mother’s eyes well up with pride, and the happy tears.  I watched the other mothers in the room, and saw their appreciation of, and pride in, their daughter’s achievements.  I was so happy for them all.  And I also wondered what it must feel like to have that kind of unconditional love…  Especially as an adult.  I enjoyed chatting with the folks and the mothers, and I drove away in the warm evening air. 

I dropped the windows and opened the sun roof to let in the warm air… I drove my little sports sedan, I thought of achievements I had worked so hard for.  I thought of school achievements such as recognition for grades, science achievements, scholarships, and the like.  And how most of those I attended alone.  I never experienced the selfless pride, the love I saw that night.  I thought about working my way up from direct service to professional staff, to management, to executive management, and to the position I am in now as a CEO.  I thought of earning my Master’s Degree, and the other recognition that folks had kindly bestowed upon me in the past several years. Very seldom had I had someone there with me.  My earning of my Master’s was unacknowledged by anyone.  Even running a half marathon, which I had to overcome huge and overwhelming obstacles, was not something she found worthy of saying ‘well done’ or expressing any sort of pride.

Now, in previous years, and posts… This was fodder to be as sad as I allow myself to get.  Not tonight.  It was not happy, but I just recognized it for what it was.  It is my reality.  As I often quip, I am like the Green Day song… Boulevard of Broken Dreams where the refrain is “I walk alone…”

There are worse things in the is life.  I have experienced MANY.  And I survived and overcame.  This is one of those curious things that arises from those circumstances, and I take this as the learning experience that it is.

We have had a couple of lovely and exciting things happen at my job.  My agency was recognized and nominated for an award, and we managed to secure a large grant for a huge unmet need, and we did not expect to succeed.  When I mentioned it to my hoarding mother, her response was “Why?  Why did they pick you?”  She immediately launched into her tired collection of petty annoyances and overblown misunderstandings, and has not mentioned either the award nomination nor the grant award since.  Her depth of narcissism is so sad.  And the saddest thing is her decision to do NOTHING to address her issues will have lifelong reverberations for everyone around her.  Unlike her, I choose to use these experiences as a springboard to learn, to evolve, and to move forward.   As I have said many times, to her life is a small, frightening and limited place.  She operates from a place of ‘opportunity lost’.  I refuse to do that. 

So the point of this blog?  I am continuing to make the life I want, and I continue to choose to be happy.  Just in the next few weeks I am doing several things that I have wanted to do for a while, and for circumstances beyond my control, was unable to do.  Well, they are happening in the next few weeks.  In two weeks from today I am skydiving.  It is scheduled and paid for.  Three weeks from today I am taking a Segway Tour of a nearby historic community with friends.  In a week I am going horseback riding.  I am in the process of scheduling a zip-line excursion, and am hosting or co-hosting two parties. 

Life is meant to be lived at full volume, and live it I shall.  I am also training for a full marathon in the fall.  I have taken some steps back, but sometimes it is like the analogy often promulgated on Facebook, before an arrow can fly, it must first be drawn back.

I am ready to fly.  And folks can either support me, or clear the way, because either way, I will not accept defeat.  If there is a positive to what I have experienced, it is that. 

Thanks for reading!

What did I expect?

Hard to believe that it has been a month since my last post!  In that month, not much as changed, other than I have been focusing on work (and working too damn much), doing some consulting, trying to have a social life after what is often 60-75 hour (or more) workweeks, and a bit of running... oh... and sleeping.  A little bit of that too.

My hoarding mother is still in her self created world of limited experiences, drama, and petty annoyances overblown to huge crises.  Nothing new there.  

What is new is October heralded two major life events for me.  One is the eight year anniversary at a job that I love (most days) and the other is the completion of a major personal goal, one that has eluded me for 2 years.  I ran a 1/2 marathon this weekend.  And I rocked it, if I say so myself.  Over 32 hours later and I am still in my happy spot, and I am proud of myself... something I cannot say I have ever experienced before.  

Now some folks may be saying to themselves, "So you ran 13.1 miles.  So what?"  And I can understand if you are.  This is a personal, personal goal.  Me against myself, I was not racing the other runners, I was racing ME.  In the past 4-5 years I have slowly lost over 100 pounds and resumed running, an activity I abandoned when I was in my early 20's.  Recently, (2013 and 2014) I have missed 3 half marathons that I have trained for due to a badly scarred Achilles tendon injury, a life threatening and nearly 11 pound tumor 3 months later, and 11 months after that, rupturing my mid line incision.  

Just 11 weeks after a second abdominal surgery, I ran my first 1/2.  I had hoped to run one in September, but it was too soon, as the one 3 weeks earlier was as well.  I had been thinking about this race and was concerned I was not ready.  As is my way, I am either full go or full stop, and in September when I was cleared to run on hills and outside, I hit the road with a vengeance,  logging in 112 miles in a month (and not even a full month, more like just over 2 1/2 weeks).  Predictably to everyone but me, I over trained... And I hit the wall in early October.  My Achilles tendon injury flared again, and I feared that I would have to try a race in November as it looked unlikely I was going to meet my goal.  I did a lot of figurative self-flagellation, and was really frustrated.  

At the last minute, I registered anyway and decided to give it all that I had.  It would be for the experience if not for the likelihood of success. And by registering that late, there was little chance of backing out without losing my registration fee.  Then reality set in.  I had been adding lifting and weight work back into my routine, eating a bit differently, and mixing in other cardio with my runs, but doing frequent but short runs.  WHAT WAS I DOING?  There was a 3 hour sweep, but in my researching races I mistakenly thought this race had a 2:45 sweep.  I am not a fast runner.  My personal record recently is under an 11 mile minute, but my usual is in the mid 12 range.  There was NO WAY I believed I would finish this race before they packed it up.  

Now, several friends had said they wanted to support me in this, cheer me on and cheer me at the finish.  I was honestly touched, appreciative, and also determined that I was not going to have my imminent failure be witnessed by those I hold in such high regard.  I also felt this race, this particular race... Well, it was personal.  This was me against me.  This was me against the medical crises of the past year.  This was me against my own body... or me WITH my own body.  

Long story short, I did it.  I beat 2:45 by 50 seconds. I did it!  I realized the night before that all the negative self talk was going to ensure that I did not succeed, and I was engaging in 'all or nothing' thinking, and hoarder think.  Going to the worst and most hopeless scenario.  The day before I focused on eating and resting, and changing the commentary feedback loop in my head.  The day of, driving to the race, I focused on thoughts of consistency, being strong, and failure was not an option.  I set the goal of between 2:30 and 2:45 to finish.  I was READY.  I was going to do this.  And do it I did.  Was it easy?  NO.  Was it challenging?  Yes.  And I reveled in every mile, and although I would not be able to run a marathon, I felt I could have continued another 5-7 miles.  I had been fighting the injury and the extreme pelvic pain from my surgeries for the final 5 miles, but I was doing okay, and I powered past the pack I was running in the last few hundred yards.  I was so happy and overjoyed.  I DID IT!!!!!  

For me, it was NOT an empty success because I was alone, but that much more striking because of it.  I raced me, and I won.  And I was there to celebrate it at the finish line and to cheer others as they finished. I ran slowly, steadily, and I did it.

Now, this is where hoarding comes in.  I was so happy with my pictures, my medal, my prize, and most of all, the knowledge that I actually did this, that I called my hoarding mother to tell her the next day, which is today.  (I let my friends know via Facebook, and the celebrations are continuing throughout the week... some folks were a bit disappointed I did this on my own, but they understood it.  And I love them for that!)

Ugh.  Why do I do this to myself!?!?  She has no concept of how big a damn deal this was to me.  NONE.  She immediately started with how my father had heart disease an I should be careful... Basically intimating that I was going to die.  I was gobsmacked.  I figured she would find some way to turn the conversation about her, or minimize my achievement, or focus on how crazy she thinks it is, or how dangerous (a woman running alone on the highways... GASP!) but this?  Really?  And she knows how freaking important this is to me.  She cannot even step out of her own stuff for a moment to be proud that I succeeded in completing something that did not come easily.

To my credit, I did not let her steal my pride in overcoming so much, and in achieving one of my goals.  Just five years ago if you would have told me I would be running a half marathon and getting a finisher's medal I would have laughed myself silly. I got off the phone quickly, and my response was one of incredulity.  

I got home and got out of my little car, and as I grabbed my handbag out of the back seat, I noticed the 13.1 sticker I put on my car the day before.  Not to brag, but to remind myself of my ability to overcome, and to never flood myself with self-doubt again.  That 13.1 sticker represents so much.  I did it.  I DID IT.  Before writing this blog, I was looking at full races for the spring.  I hope to do 26.2 before the end of next summer.  And I will do it.  My time frame may be different, and it may take many tries before I achieve it, but I will do it.  The silver lining I took from growing up in the dysfunction and abuse of a hoarding household is dogged persistence and resilience.  It has served me well thus far... And the next race, whether it be a 5K, a 10K, a 13.1 or a 26.2... I will let whomever wishes to come support me and cheer me on do so.  It does not matter if I finish before the race is over, all that matters is that I try, and keep trying.  Not only with running, with letting others be there for me.  That is a lesson that I have to keep learning, but I will get it. 

And my mother?  Her response is just another example of her illness, and her dogged refusal to see anything other than her own limited view of the world.  

Hoarding... no one wins.  But, maybe I can make the best of the challenges I have faced.  I honestly do have little other choice, as I believe life is meant to be lived at full volume.

Thank you for reading!