Saturday, March 16, 2013

No appropriately snarky title for this one... Out of the mouth of a hoarder... Take 231,984

What do you say to these types of things?  All are direct quotes from the past few days.  

"You know what that ba$t@rd did when he broke into the garage?  He got in my car and loosened my seatbelt.  Now where it bolts onto the floor, it is floppy!  I have to find someone to fix it!  The last worthless [add the past 5 or so service places she went psycho on] said there was nothing wrong with it."  Could it be because the car is 20 years old?

"I know 'in the turn' [her supersecret name for her hated neighbor- because 'someone' might be listening or recording her phone calls]has been up here again.  He stuffed dirt and sticks into the drain in front of the garage [that has a dirt/gravel driveway and bushes around it].  He also has been cutting branches off my pear tree, and throwing them down like they fell..."

"[Discussing her newest 'Wonderful Stranger' the next street over who seems to be seriously hoardy if not a hoarder herself...] He [hated neighbor] stood and watched while she pulled the stuff out of my gutters a couple of summers ago, and guess what!  Last night all her sensor light bulbs are broken out.  I think it is a bit too much to be a coincidence for her to have lived her over 40 years and this is the first time something like THAT happened.  Why I just bet that he saw her car and..."  SMH.  Of course.  The 2, 3 or 4 year lag time was just to throw you off the case.  

"I wish there were bands of vigilantes I could hire..."  *crickets chirping*
"That s*n of a b!t@$.  I was on my last bag of birdseed, and he took it!  Took my dustpan too.  [Begins long monologue of everything that family has done to offend her since 1968... Such as breathing, existing, stealing soda returnable bottles off the porch in 1975 when he was a preteen, making different choices and setting some boundaries with her.  And a lost dustpan and a partial bag of birdseed is a fate equal to sentencing someone to death.]"

"There has been a black truck in [hated neighbor's] driveway for weeks now!  I first thought it was his daughter's or maybe he found another tramp, but some guy came out today and got in it.  I think he must be renting a room!  That house is too small to be a rooming house!  And you know that 'crony' has to be as big of a piece of trash as he is!  People of that caliber hang together!  Wonder if that is allowed on his probation?  I wonder what is GOING ON THERE!..."  Maybe he has company?  That is sinister!

"[Dramatically]I have a question for you... and I want an answer! "  
*Crickets chirping, with such a hard eyeroll that I think I sprained my eyeball...*  
"What color is the [goes into great and bizarre detail describing the chin spoiler on her 20 year old car] supposed to be?  Chrome?"
No.  It is black plastic, but by this time I assume it is more of a charcoal to medium gray.  Why?
"Well I saw it today and I wondered if someone had switched it out with a crappy one or ..."
The only thing 'chrome' looking on your car is the manufacturer emblems on the hood and the tailgate, and your tailpipe finisher.  Your wheels are aluminum.

There are many more, but it is again the endless speculation and assumptions that are not based in any sort of reality.  

Simply... Ugh.

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