Saturday, December 1, 2012

No title can capture this:/

My hoarding mother finally got a hearing aid.  After purchasing and returning two, and years of shopping and torturing the hell out of anyone remotely involved.  Her hearing is bad, having had surgery to remove a tumor in her mastoid bone and in doing so she has hearing in one ear.  However, for someone who uses her hearing loss passive aggressively to annoy others, and who can hear the slightest noise in in the background of whomever she is one the phone with... She does have significant hearing loss. Now on to the funny...

Whispering, "I had the CRAZIEST THING happen to me today.  It was WEIRD!"

This should be good....

"I got up and I kept hearing this rustling/crackling noise."  And lucky me, she attempted to mimic those noises for me verbally.


"I checked outside, I checked the furnace, I checked all the faucets, ..."  Add a looonnnggg litany of areas she checked, assuming the worst... A pipe burst, an animal was trapped, her hvac system was 'blowing up'.... You get the picture... And the story is getting all the more dramatic as she is going on.

I will spare you the mystery and suspense.  The noise?  The noise was emanating from her plastic pants that cover her Depends.  The swish-swish, crackle-crackle was her.  Walking.

.... Crickets chirping...

"Do all things sound like that?"

What things?

"Those plastic Depends covers."

I don't know ... I have never experienced anyone wearing those yet.

"What does water sound like?  Does it snap and crackle?"

I have no idea what you are talking about...

Whispered, "You know, when you go do your thing...  You know..."

You mean pee?  Um...No.  Cannot say I have.  Been consuming too much of Rice Crispies?  Snap, Crackle and Pop.

"Yes... [starts to go into horrific detail of her peeing]..."

Lalalalalalala,   Not talking about this!  Ask your doctor!

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