Thursday, May 7, 2015

Flying monkeys, wonderful strangers, and a whole helping of guilt for Lisabeth....

I received this last night about 9pm. Yesterday was a supremely craptastic day at work, and all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and I got this via social media.  I was so angry that I was trembling like I was freezing to death in subzero temperatures.  I was very triggered, and felt waves of anger, frustration, guilt, shame, you-name-it.  I cried and scared my cats.

The person sending this graduated from high school with me in my hometown 7 hours away. She is my mother's chiropractor, and her longest running 'wonderful stranger' and now, applicant to be a 'flying monkey' in Narcissistic Mother speak...

I was nearby to my NM in early April, and my mother could not be anything but a problem to any solution and, long-story-short... Declined to see me.

She has not seen me since April of 2013, three months before I nearly died and required 2 major surgeries in 10 months, (the first I was not expected to survive). In the 16 years I have lived in the state that is now my home she has never visited, and besides her toxicity, gaslighting, emotional abuse with  all the pleasant features of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, she is a level 4/5 hoarder, ergo this blog. It is not physically nor emotionally safe to be near her. As those who have read this blog over the past couple of years know, I have been extremely low contact for years.

Today is my birthday, and so far no acknowledgement of it from NM. (Not that I want a princess cake and a bouncy castle, but a timely card and a Happy Birthday call would be, well, motherly.)
Did I mention I loathe all the Mother's Day pathos?

Thanks for reading my vent. I treated myself to a new runner watch/GPS/fitness tracker that I have been looking at for a few months.  I had a lovely morning run in the May sunshine.  I am having a great work day, and plan on a lovely evening. I am over this...  

I did respond to 'Dr. Wednesday'.  My response was as follows:  

I appreciate your honesty and your kind care of her. She thinks the world of you. I tried to see her last month, and she declined. Our relationship is very complicated, and as much as I love her, she will not allow me to be a part of her life in the way that I would like to be or to do anything helpful for her. It breaks my heart, but she is the only one that can change it, and she just can't. If you would like to talk to me my number is ....

I know that Dr. Wednesday is close to her family and may not have a frame of reference.  I also do not believe the timing of this (the evening before my birthday and midweek prior to Mother's Day in the US) is coincidental.  My hoarding mother had a chiro visit with her yesterday.  

Such a little thing, and the maelstrom it awakened in me made me realize that although I have progressed by leaps and bounds, I have to accept that I have been impacted by the abuse I survived, and the craziness I still navigate now as a middle aged adult.  
It (the hoarding, the abuse, the gaslighting) is not who I am, but it has shaped me.  I have to continue to honor and resolve that, like any other human being.

Thank you for reading.  Have a great week.


  1. That was a great response to Dr Wednesday. It's unfortunate that the Dr has decided to insert herself into your complicated relationship with your mother, but you handled it extremely well.

  2. What a polite and thoughtful response. I hope she's able to reevaluate what your mother's been telling her.

    By the way, are you familiar with the forum? I have a not-exactly-narcissistic-but-similar parent and found a lot of support there.

  3. So sorry--such a triggering message. Your reply was so thoughtful--it is obvious that you have overcome and conquered the horror of your past. That doesn't mean you don't have feelings--those raw, primal feelings of fear and anger that children have when they are neglected and abused. People don't understand that for some, childhood is a near-death experience. You are an amazing person, because you not only survived, you flourished, and are continuing to grow and blossom. God/dess bless.

  4. PS And a pox on those who presume they know how a person should relate to family. My first thought to the dr. was MYOB!

  5. PPPS if you can stand one more comment from me--just saw this on Jezebel about the courage it takes to break up with a dysfunctional mother

  6. Kara:

    Thank you so much. I felt a bit like the Terminator in the original movie with all the possible responses that were available to me and the one that I selected:-). I try to take the high road, but sometimes it is not easy. Thank you for reading and for your support!


    Thank you for your kind words and thanks for the resource! I will check them out. I find NPD parenting sites very helpful. Thank you for reading!


    Thank you for the blog link and the great wishes! I appreciate your support. Yesterday was a lovely day, and this shall be the weekend of birthday celebration! Have a great weekend.


  7. I think you're very kind Lisabeth - to have the self control and awareness to feel the response in your body, give it time, and be so gracious is something to be proud of. If my daughter grew up to be gracious like that I'd be very proud mother.

    Happy birthday to you - hope you have a lovely day.

  8. Thank you so much Malady. Your comment brought a smile to my face:-)