Been all-too-long! From the Mouth of a Hoarder!

Been way to serious the last few posts.  Not that my hoarding mother has stopped saying rude, racist, cruel things or things that are so simply head-banging(ly) gross, but other things have taken a higher priority.  Well, now...  An all new episode of FTMOAH!
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"I need to ask a gross question..."

No. Please. Wait...

"What do you know about that 'feminine wash'?  I was in the store and saw it, and I wondered if I should get it because, well, I sometimes mess myself and pee myself, and I was near an old lady who smelled like urine ...."

That is not what that is for...

"I thought it might help as I don't... [natter natter natter]...

It is feminine hygiene wash.  For your vulva.  [She continues going on about 'pissing herself'.]  Um.  Feminine wash is meant to wash one's 'hoo-haw' if one is concerned about vaginal smell... [She continues on talking over me despite several attempts that are getting heavier in the crude vernacular as I try to make her understand...] 

Now, I finally get annoyed and lost most to all of my feminist points for the day.  

....Mother, it is a wash for those who are concerned their 'cooter' smells like pussy.

... Sputtering..."Oh, I don't need that."

[Split second of hesitation] "Do you use it?"

GAHHHH! Not having this conversation with you! 

"Well, I used to douche ...."

I hung up.  NO.  No.  NO NO NOOOOONOOONOOOW!

And here is the thing.  Her personal hygiene is absolutely dreadful.  She smells really bad.  I am sure the incontinence underwear merely adds another layer to that ... fragrance?  So sad.  She smells of the hoard as well.  Since her hand surgery in late November, she has been going to a local beauty shop and getting her hair washed and set every 2-3 weeks (usually prior to a doctor's appointment).  Another group of people I should send flowers to...
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For those who read frequently, Dr. Wednesday, my mother's 'flying monkey' chiropractor who went to school with me is making the high dive from her pedestal.  She apparently is out of patience with my mother's high drama tactics regarding the latest surgery, and my mother considered her 'snippy' and is now ruminating that she must be 'friends' with the hated surgeon.  I am not getting in this, but I had to resist the urge to snicker like Reinfield in Young Doctor Frankenstein...
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Nothing else rises to mind to report.  I am sure there will be more later!  On a more personal note my two elderly kitties are doing well, and I admit it is hard to type with my most recent addition to my family standing on my chest, head bunting and nibbling on my cheekbones and chin.  Hard to believe she will have been with us three months in two days.  I think she likes me- her feline sister- the jury is still out... But they seem to co-exist fairly quietly with little conflict.  I do not know if they will every be buddies, but they are not trying to kill each other.  

On the health front my appointment with the teaching hospital is this Friday.  I have been pretty sick off and on since mid December, and today was a really rough day, but January 1st I ran a 10K and kept dead on my marathon pace and ran it easily.  Looking for a 10 miler, then a 1/2 marathon, and hope to run a full this summer.  

Have a great week.  Thank you for reading!

My Hoarding Mother- the Godfather Wannabe

This has not been a spectacular week.  Ergo three posts in quick succession.

I get a text from my hoarding mother's neighbor, asking if I can call her.  I was in a meeting with my management staff, but I called as soon as I dropped them off at the office and went to park my car.

ARGH.  My mother called her, and was being cagey and obtuse.  She finally whisper-asked "Do you know anyone that would do something, well, ornery?"  The neighbor heard her, but made her ask a couple more times, and each time my mother asked a different way... calling it 'devious' and 'illegal' and mumbled something about she needed a 'bad' person to even things out, she was tired of the harassment she is receiving from a couple of neighbors.  I shared with the neighbor that my mother called yelling the other day that the hated neighbor "in the turn" came into her yard and stole her 40 year old tiger lily bush and it is now in his yard.  The neighbor replied that she has been past her yard, and there is nothing dug up or missing, and the things she is accusing this man of stealing are still hoarded in her yard.  Shocker...

The neighbor told her NO... All the people she knows are good, and recounted my hoarding mother's other attempts to 'hire someone' in 1995 and again in 2000.  I was aware of both since she had also contacted former friends of mine who she considered to be 'edgy' or 'bad'.  She was trying to find someone to harm my soon-to-be-first-ex-husband, and trying to find someone five years later to break into her estranged sister's home and dognap her beloved dog... I will not go into details what she intended to do with the dog, but it was soulless and horrible.  She was never able to execute either plan, and no one will speak up to law enforcement because they are afraid of her and what she personally might do.  

I urged the neighbor to talk to the chief of police in that town, but she is afraid that will result in a scorched earth reaction.  Ugh.  I feel so helpless to do anything helpful.  I waited a few days and called her, and she casually asked the name of a friend from high school and college that she considers 'questionable' and got very huffy and defensive when I asked her why... and did not provide her any information.  She will find him I am convinced, but we are connected on social media and I know he will contact me.  I suspect she will also contact others, who will reach out to me.

She is dangerous.  This is why I keep her very low contact, and have not gone no contact... but that day is coming.

The neighbor echoed my (second) ex-husband who is one of my best friends.  In the past month they have both stated they wish she would just quietly and quickly pass so I can be free.  I do not want that, but I understand the frustration and the caring for me that is behind such a terrible sentiment.

This is not going to end well.  My hope is my mother does not harm anyone else, and if she has to harm someone, that it is only herself.  I am reaching out to the police chief (who I went to high school with) to 'blue sky' this situation.  If I can do something to prevent harm to others, I have to.  

Wish me luck.  

Merry Gaslighted Christmas...

Yesterday I checked my mailbox.  Something I do not do often as all my bills are taken care of online, and I receive very little in snail mail that is substantial. 

I received a Christmas card from my hoarding mother, one full of schmaltz and nostalgia for me as a child under the tree, yadda-yadda-yadda.

In the past couple of years she has resumed signing cards 'Mom' instead of her first name, something she did for nearly 30 years as some sort of punishment for setting boundaries as developmentally appropriate as a pre-teen.  The lovey-dovey and overly sentimental cards are a relatively recent development too.

And they make me sad.  And a bit angry.  

If I felt that I existed as anything other than an extension of her, or at best, an extra in her drama that she plays the main character and protagonist, maybe I would have a different reaction.

Maybe it is just because I am so stinking worn out from 75-85 hour work weeks between the day job and consulting, and I am a bit concerned something might be happening health wise.  I have appointments with my doctors so no worries there.  My running game is improving, and my race last weekend was a personal record, so I think it is just stress and lack of sleep.  

I maybe have erred in not taking the next two weeks off as I usually do, but honestly, I just am not in the 'staycation' mood and I want the holidays to hurry up and get past.  I am in a bit of a funk, but thank goodness for my cats, a job I love, and my wonderful friends and supportive people.  

This too shall pass... And still I rise...

Have a great holiday everyone, if you celebrate any kind of holiday tradition.

Sailed over THAT boundary

Wow.

That is all I can say after the phone call today.  WOW.

My hoarding mother is apparently on a mission to alienate everyone that has shown her a bit of compassion.  If not through her off-the-charts and 'scorched earth' reactions, then to her inability to maintain the most mundane of boundaries.

A neighbor a few streets over has a dog that tore his ACL a couple of months ago, and has not responded well to surgery and is now up for a consult for laser surgery.  The poor thing has been in a cast for almost 2 months.

So what does my mother do?  She calls the emergency vet clinic and 'blue skies' the scenario with whomever answered the phone.  Her takeaways from that call were:

1. There is only one vet in that town qualified to do that surgery, and it is not the one used.
2. The other options are university hospitals with veterinary programs about 2 to 2 1/2 hours from where both these folks live.

I am sure there was more, but I was just gobsmacked.  Then it gets better.

My mother calls this woman and imparts her newly found knowledge to her.

I ended the call before she could tell me the reaction, but I know what many folks' reactions would have been, and they would not have taken kindly to such presumption and intrusion.  The arrogance of such an act boggles my mind.

I suspect she talked to a reception professional or a veterinary technician, and I am sure they were THRILLED with that phone call.

I say it again.  Wow.

Have a great evening, and thanks to all that read this!

Oh dear... Mold in her ear...

So the drama with my hoarding mother's health continues.  At least according to her self report, which can be difficult to sift through to determine what is accurate, what is fact based, and what is not.

She has been complaining of ear pain and discharge.  In gross and terrifying detail.  She has seen one doctor over 10 times since February, and has seen 3 other doctors in that time as well.  She went to a new doctor, a specialist, out of town.  (This is after her rigidity caused her to miss a referral to a prestigious teaching hospital two hours away.)

Long story short (saving you the drama, trauma, and craziness inflicted by her manufactured hardships and inflexible world view) she has mold in her ear.  A lot of it.  She does take a medication for lupus that suppresses her immune system so she is more vulnerable to any infection, and living in a stage 5 hoard makes this a guaranteed issue.  

She has been going on and on, speculating where and how she could have come in contact with a mold spore.  Of course, it could not been her home!  She has been coughing and hacking a lot, and keeps complaining that it happens now even when she has not been outside.

Um... No mystery here.  It is the hoard.  Her accommodation to the filth, dust, and other things that go parcel and packet with a hoard, even a 'dry hoard' is starting to leave her very medically vulnerable.  And her mental illness and her refusal to treat it will make a bad situation, untenable.  I can only imagine what she is telling the doctors to explain it, and I hope that they (the medical personnel) are not that naive...

This will not end well.  Whether it is today, this week, or two years from now.  Hoarding... No one wins.  No one.

Flying monkeys, wonderful strangers, and a whole helping of guilt for Lisabeth....

I received this last night about 9pm. Yesterday was a supremely craptastic day at work, and all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and I got this via social media.  I was so angry that I was trembling like I was freezing to death in subzero temperatures.  I was very triggered, and felt waves of anger, frustration, guilt, shame, you-name-it.  I cried and scared my cats.

The person sending this graduated from high school with me in my hometown 7 hours away. She is my mother's chiropractor, and her longest running 'wonderful stranger' and now, applicant to be a 'flying monkey' in Narcissistic Mother speak...

I was nearby to my NM in early April, and my mother could not be anything but a problem to any solution and, long-story-short... Declined to see me.

She has not seen me since April of 2013, three months before I nearly died and required 2 major surgeries in 10 months, (the first I was not expected to survive). In the 16 years I have lived in the state that is now my home she has never visited, and besides her toxicity, gaslighting, emotional abuse with  all the pleasant features of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, she is a level 4/5 hoarder, ergo this blog. It is not physically nor emotionally safe to be near her. As those who have read this blog over the past couple of years know, I have been extremely low contact for years.

Today is my birthday, and so far no acknowledgement of it from NM. (Not that I want a princess cake and a bouncy castle, but a timely card and a Happy Birthday call would be, well, motherly.)

Did I mention I loathe all the Mother's Day pathos?

Thanks for reading my vent. I treated myself to a new runner watch/GPS/fitness tracker that I have been looking at for a few months.  I had a lovely morning run in the May sunshine.  I am having a great work day, and plan on a lovely evening. I am over this...  

I did respond to 'Dr. Wednesday'.  My response was as follows:  

I appreciate your honesty and your kind care of her. She thinks the world of you. I tried to see her last month, and she declined. Our relationship is very complicated, and as much as I love her, she will not allow me to be a part of her life in the way that I would like to be or to do anything helpful for her. It breaks my heart, but she is the only one that can change it, and she just can't. If you would like to talk to me my number is ....

I know that Dr. Wednesday is close to her family and may not have a frame of reference.  I also do not believe the timing of this (the evening before my birthday and midweek prior to Mother's Day in the US) is coincidental.  My hoarding mother had a chiro visit with her yesterday.  

Such a little thing, and the maelstrom it awakened in me made me realize that although I have progressed by leaps and bounds, I have to accept that I have been impacted by the abuse I survived, and the craziness I still navigate now as a middle aged adult.  

It (the hoarding, the abuse, the gaslighting) is not who I am, but it has shaped me.  I have to continue to honor and resolve that, like any other human being.

Thank you for reading.  Have a great week.

I wonder if we can do a Hoarding Show that is a spoof of the Twilight Zone?

My conversation with my hoarding mother was a hodge-podge of all her usual strategies and manufactured drama, but she has some new scenarios but same old modus operandi.  The highlights of this conversation included:

She finally had the test she was scheduled for the day she hit the deer.  Or according to her, the day the deer hit HER.  Anyway, apparently she needs a stress test as it appears she has a blockage.  She has been complaining of symptoms that appear vascular in nature for years... edema, more pronounced in the left leg, shortness of breath, the list goes on... But she has successfully blocked any opportunity to diagnose the source of her concerns.  It also hit me that after all the drama she hyped about temporal arteritis, she has not mentioned it for weeks, and I believe she never did have the test.  She was started on treatment, but I am not clear if she is still taking the antibiotics.  It is only her eyesight, cognition, etc. that is at risk!  So with this potential heart blockage, it is hard to tell what the deal truly is.  She has a significant family history of it, and already the denial is beginning.  She states that she does not understand how this is possible since she 'does not eat junk' and 'never adds table salt.  

Seriously?  Most everything this woman eats comes through a drive through window or is some highly processed crap from a box or a can.  I am just gobsmacked.  And not to make this about me, but it also hit me that with my father dying of heart disease as most if not all of his family has, and with her potentially having heart disease, I will need to continue to work to eat healthy and to exercise as I am post menopausal, and this also has impact for my estranged 1/2 sister.  But I digress...  

Her conversation moves on to a two women with several foster kids moving into the large house across the street.  She is continuing her assault on at least 3 other neighbors who have the misfortune of living near her/moving near her, and now she has another person or family to antagonize and obsess over.  Another group of folks to add to the list to send flowers to!  

She is also obsessing about being on an antiretroviral medication to help avoid another outbreak of the shingles, and is less than thrilled that it is a medication that is advertised heavily on TV to treat herpes simplex infections.  God forbid anyone think she had herpes!  The horror!  I gleefully advised her that shingles, chicken pox, etc. was a form of the herpes virus.  I just gave her something to think about...

There is much more, but I will save that for the next episode of 'From the Mouth of a Hoarder'... Coming soon!

As always, thanks for reading. 

Yeesh... Everything but what is truly important. Is this the path to self destruction?

She utterly baffles me and simultaneously breaks my heart.  It makes me sad to say that, and not in a mother-daughter way, but the feeling I would have elicited by any client I have worked with over the years.  

As I keep telling my staff, there are two overarching tenets to case management/social services.  

1. You cannot want 'it' more than the person themselves does...
2. You cannot assist someone in spite of themselves.

With those two touchstone observations as the perspective in which I am dealing with this, onward to the latest installment of utterly CRAZY.  

For those new to this blog, as with many folks who engage in compulsive hoarding at this level, the stuff is a side effect of the power and control issues, her addictive behaviors, and her narcissistic/borderline personality disordered behavior.  It is so hard to filter through what she says, since she makes minor or inconsequential things HUGE things, and important things are often not shared until way past critical mass.

So- the latest installment of 'cannot get out of my own way to be my own solution to save my life...'

Since February or early March my mother has been complaining of headaches, and had a siege where her jaw hurt so badly that she could not open her mouth wider than 1/2-3/4 inch.  She was passed back and forth from her primary care doctor to her dentist and referred to her ear specialist.  Long story short, partially due to her refusal to follow process and allow electronic referrals, records to be sent, etc. she made what was really poor follow up and communication come to a complete standstill.  I also realize that the recollection of events I am getting are what she chooses to share with me, so again, who really knows what is actually based in reality.  I do not think she receives the greatest of health care in her small Appalachian state, and her mental health and behavior are definitely a barrier, and the fact that she is an isolated, elderly woman with Medicare.  I have offered to come pick her up, put her up in a hotel nearby, and take her to John Hopkins Medical Center in the past.  She flatly refuses.  

During this nearly 3 month ordeal, she has made things more difficult by:

• Refusing to give all her providers similar information
• Refuses to allow electronic referrals or prescriptions to be sent
• Refuses to allow the doctor's offices or medical facilities to transmit records, she picks them up, reviews them and picks through them
• When she calls a medical provider, if she gets voice mail she most often refuses to leave a message
• She has never set up her voicemail on her land line, and has her answering machine disabled so she only knows who calls by caller ID, and she does not want anyone to know she has caller ID
• She refuses to give out her cell phone number to anyone, and does not keep the phone on or check the voicemail
• If a provider does not respond in the manner she deems appropriate and quickly enough, she launches a scorched earth response
• Yesterday she called her ear specialist, and in a very condescending and sarcastic manner, cancelled her appointment that her PCP had moved up 5 weeks for her as he thought she had an infection in her mastoid bone at the very least
• She scheduled with an 'older doctor that knows something' for today (which is the day she was supposed to go to see the ear specialist)
• She arrived at her PCP today unannounced an hour before an appointment that would take a half hour to drive to, demanding copies of medical records, and stormed out when the office person informed her that she was busy and that (mother) would have to wait
• Her gums started to spontaneously bleed and she said nothing

I could write a book on this... and it feels as if I have.  The older doctor told her that he did not feel he had time for a biopsy, but she had 13 of the 20 symptoms of Temporal Arteritis so he was starting treatment with massive cortisone doses.  Upon researching this a bit, and having a bit of background working in medical case management with folks with TA, her assertions from today do not line up.  But with TA there is a real threat of blindness or stroke if untreated.  She has an appointment with the doctor she sees in a nearby city to manage her rheumatoid arthritis and lupus.  

She mentioned it in the 'I am so mistreated and shat upon' way that she does, then she was off to complaining about her neighbors, attempting to gossip, and her normal negativity.  She then mentioned suing all the doctors involved to this point.  Ugh.  

Do I know firsthand that medical malpractice and terrible errors happen with the most consistent and reliable of patients?  Yes.  And medical providers are human too, and they make errors.  I also know that her combative and paranoid behavior makes treatment a crap shoot at best.  No one wins.  And she refuses to see any other perception than the one she stubbornly clings to, even in the face of facts.

I am not sure how this will play out, and it may be one of her 'Chicken Little' episodes that will be anticlimactic as she moves through the process.  Time will tell, but this is a situation that she may have made much, much worse.  

I know she will not allow anyone, including me, to do anything meaningful for her.  Whatever happens, if anything does, it will be partially consequences of her choices.  Choices that include piling her home floor to ceiling with crap, and forcing anyone out of her life that would be willing to help her... including me.  

Hoarding... no one wins.  NO ONE.  Thank you for reading.

Word...

-Hoarding... It is not about the stuff... That is merely a symptom of a life threatening mental illness.

For all of you that have decided 'no contact' is the safest option

http://www.mommyish.com/2014/05/07/estranged-adult-children-mothers-day/#ixzz317lwzjyw  

Mother's day approaches with all the commercialism, sentimental advertising, and the schmaltz that is absolutely endemic on this day.  For many who have a decent relationship with their parents/mother, this is a time to celebrate that relationship.  For those of us who are low contact or no contact due to the choices and toxicity of our family, it is another helping of guilt and sorrow, and another opportunity for folks unintentionally to rub salt in what may be a very thinly healed wound.

My advice on sharing your thoughts, helpful ideas, memories and solutions to someone that has distanced for safety and healing...

JUST DON'T.  See the link above.

Sharing a link on narcissism...

Sharing an article that resonated.  I read the comments below, and one person posting pointed out that folks with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) do not suffer from it, those who are around them do.  

Still contemplating that...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/henriette-lazaridis-power/mother-daughter-the-narcissist_b_3287993.html

Bang... bang... bang... That is the sound of my head repeatedly striking my desk.

This week I have been graced with two calls from my mother's sister, who is also on the hoarding scale and shows the narcissistic behavior common to many severe hoarders, without the immediate cruelty.  She has to be 'provoked' but she has integrated the whole 'revenge' or vigilante outlook that is characteristic of my mother.  But that is another story, for another time.

For those of you who have not read before, I have very few surviving relatives.  Sadly, the ones I do have, almost all of them demonstrate behavior consistent with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Hoarding, and also show power/control/addictive features.  The only time one of them contacts me is when they want something.  Money.  Information. To dump some bit of unpleasantness to further whatever secondary agenda they have going.  It is simply exhausting.  A gentleman I used to see for a few months once asked how it was possible that I turned out the way I did with the outlook I have, when my family is so manipulative.  That is easy... I had an intervening adult... my paternal grandmother.  Without her, I would have been lost. 

But anyway, late last week my aunt calls.  'Mimsy' goes on and on about this refinancing she has to do since the bank messed up her attempt and now her payment is higher, etc.  She also had to get a loan to do repairs on her 20 year old minivan, and the cost of the repairs honestly exceed the actual cash value of the van.  She speaks in the rapid fire verbal vomiting common to hoarders, and I have honestly done other things and not said a word for an hour, two hours...  She finally got to the point and asked me for money.  She only has $67 after her bills are paid each month for gas and food, etc.  

I have no problem helping someone that needs it, if my assistance is going to allow them to return to self sufficiency, or levy other resources.  This is not that case, as she is 70 years old and has a 20 year mortgage and is on Social Security.  She is living beyond her means.  I advised her that I would consider it AFTER we met, and I reviewed her income, her expenses, her eligibility for assistance like heating and electric assistance, food banks, and eligibility for subsidized housing, as her health does not allow her to care for the house she has.  

That was not popular, and the call ended pretty quickly after that offer.

Today, the phone rings and I snagged it.  It was nearly 11am.  She was fast talking and panicked.  She immediately asked if she woke me up.  Um... NO.  I get up between 5am - 6am every morning, working or not.  I was getting ready for a run.  I shared I ran my first 5K race post-op from the major health crisis I had this summer/fall.  She has no frame of reference, and immediately moved on to why she was calling.  Her bank might need an appraisal, and she does not know how she would pay for it, since they will not allow it to be rolled into the principle of the loan.  She was starting to hem and haw, trying to figure out how to ask.  I advised her that she should talk to her loan officer and ask about options for a credit increase on her credit card, or getting a signature loan.  That was not what she had in mind.  She was going to ask me to pay it, and she could 'pay me back'.  Um... NO.  I reiterated my offer to help her explore options and to develop a meaningful budget that is supported by social service programs she is eligible for.  She declined.  

The call ended relatively quickly again.  My 1/2 sister used to pull this type of crap too.  It simply amazes me how naive they assume me to be, that I cannot see their grooming efforts and their machinations.  There is a reason I live hours away from all of them.  Apparently, even to them, I do not exist as a separate human being with goals, dreams, desires... I am simply an Ativan salt lick, an emotional tampon, or worse, an ATM.

Thank goodness for the family I have created... because my maternal family is incapable of having reciprocal relationships, everything for them is transactional, and singular in nature.  Sadly, the few remaining on my dad's side are in their 80's, frail, and I simply do not know them.  I choose to live hours away, and if anything, I will move FARTHER AWAY at the time I choose to leave this area.  My health, my happiness, and my emotional quotient all depend on keeping firm boundaries and lots of space between my mother and her family.

Hoarding.  No one wins.  No one.  Thank you for reading!  

101th Post and the 100th... Yes, it is 'From the mouth of a hoarder' time!

My apologies for such a long absence!  Nearly 3 weeks since my last post.  I did not realize it at the time, but the last post was number 100... and serendipitously... my blog (rant) was about her obsession with POO.  And talking about it, despite efforts to maintain boundaries with her.

She has continued her out-there-comments and assumptions, and below is a compilation of the most recent.

Without further ado... ENJOY!
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"[In reference to the feral cats she feeds and waters...] Would you believe the water bowl FROZE SOLID?  I guess if the little animals are thirsty they can just lick snow, right?  That IS what they do, right?  Just lick snow?"

"I was told that even though I do not have THE INTERNET {emphasis mine} I can still get information and stuff from my computer.  Is that true?"

"I guess I did not need two separate cell phones to keep one charged all the time for the car.  I changed my plan and my other phone was supposed to be no good after midnight on the 12th, but I waited a few days and called it to make sure that nothing sneaky was happening."

"[After lots and lots of snow during a recent snowstorm] Well, it is 2pm and still no paper.  That is ridiculous.  The TV does not show anything but crap and now no paper?  I am now not connected to any news at all!"

"[Speaking of the neighbor behind her that has resumed dating and has a live in boyfriend] ... How long is it before you can 'draw' against a spouse's Social Security Benefits?  Ten, eleven years?  She better hurry up and marry him, he has worked all his life and put away some money and would leave her a nice income."

"I just noticed on that guy's RV thing, that all the windows are tinted except the front windows.  I first thought someone had broken out the windows.  Why would they tint the back windows but not the front ones?"
_________________________________________
She has also been a broken record on:

• Her concerns for a hoarding acquaintance who has dementia...
• "She could forget to feed her dog or it could get away from her and die!  That poor little thing!  I know how it is to have no one to help you or see about you..."
• "She is going to die, or someone is going to take advantage of her.  And that daughter?  She does not deserve anything when she dies!
• Commenting on her neighbor's live in boyfriend...
• "He has been complaining of not feeling well and his stomach hurts.  Why... I bet he has cancer!"
• "He seems to have a lot of money to throw around.  Wonder what [his pension and job]pays?
• Commenting on various neighbors offering to take her to the store since the hoard-mobile is snowed in the garage and she has been unable to leave the place for nearly two weeks.  She makes a big kerfluffle of them calling, speculates on motivation, and refuses their assistance, then wails to me that she is running out of pet food, food, and medicine.
• She finally called the Area Office on Aging and got a ride to Walmart.  
• She now has a new wonderful stranger that was appalled she is on her own the way she is.
• She has been fixated on any child maltreatment case in the news, and has been simply ruminating and obsessed on the death of Phillip Seymour Hoffman and the death of Shirley Temple Black.
• She keeps asking weird and random questions about the protocols of the place that I work and the types of clients we serve, and gets annoyed when I will not engage.
• Obsessing about the weather.  EVERY OTHER BREATH IS A COMPLAINT.  No one is really all that thrilled right now, but complaining does not do any good as far as I can tell...

The bulk of her verbal diarrhea is complaining about how she cannot get out and do what she needs, railing about all the injustices she has been dealt in her life, complaining about her health, and refusing for a second to be part of her own solution... and attempting to be an 'askhole' and keep asking the same detailed questions on the same topics that she has no intention of acting on.

Calling her is painful.  And again, this is not going to end well.  It cannot.

Hope something here made you laugh a bit.  Have a great weekend!

Goodnight 2013; Welcome 2014... A new year with a new perspective

I have to say 2013 has been one tough year for me personally, and for many that I care about/love.  I had lunch with a friend today who expressed a similar sentiment, and Facebook has been filled with it.  Each year has its share of heartache and triumph, but it seems this year has been full of death, illness, financial crisis, loss of relationships, and the day to day tribulations we all face.

My life has been no different as I look back over the past 12 months.  The exceptional challenge for me was the health crisis that almost cost me my life this summer, and one I am still bouncing back from... but I am here, and physically, I am doing GREAT.  (Although I need to lay off the weight gain now that I am above what my doctor demanded...the holiday season cookies are too good to me!)  Work has been a fight for absolute survival of my organization, and it seems that we often are our own largest problem.  But that is a different blog for a different source.  

So... what is the purpose of this blog entry?  I am continuing my internal inventory and review, because I do not want to get trapped in horrible patterns that I was groomed for by my hoarding mother and the enabling role of my father, (intentionally or not).  I do not want to do the same things over and over, expecting a different outcome.  I wholeheartedly agree with Albert Einstein that this is the definition of insanity.  I also do not want to slip off the balance of owning my own stuff, and learning from my experiences versus taking on responsibility that is not mine... especially for issues related to the hoard and hoarding.  I do not want to 'victim blame' myself, but yet I do not want to give myself the 'get out of jail free' card [a Monopoly game reference for those who have not played] because I have survived such abuse.  Wearing a 'V' like a badge of honor has never been my style.  

From the experiences of this year, and many of the adverse experiences have come in my complicated yet partially estranged relationship with my hoarding mother.  It has been hard, no... hell.  But there are lessons learned there as well.  What I do not want to be.  Keeping a healthy balance and protecting my boundaries.  A healthy level of introspection yet being able to keep my focus on the bigger picture, keeping focused on the present and the future.  I see what staying immersed in the past does... 

Do I have lessons to learn still?  ABSOLUTELY!  I am still learning to be willing to be vulnerable, to show that vulnerability with those who care about me, and to truly be more open.  I am learning to trust a little easier.  I want to thin my thick, tough 'armadillo skin' a bit.  (And part of that has been my work as well... but... not what I want to happen to me!)

If hoarding gave me anything, it gave me the resilience and the 'toughness' to take whatever is thrown my way by life, by circumstances, or by my own choices.  I know I can, because I have.  I know I will succeed eventually, because bluntly, I have never had the luxury to fail and not find a way around it.

I have also seen what lack of self care does.  It may not cause illness, but it allows it to become something huge.  This can be 'illness' in the physical, emotional, relationship, or whatever-else realm.  I did not learn that lesson the first few times around.  After this summer, I may not get another chance if I abuse myself the way that I did.  

I look to 2014 as a new opportunity to consistently practice what I have learned in the past 44 years, but especially, the past 12 months.  

And my hoarding mother?  She regards the new year with apprehension and fear... as future 'opportunity lost'.  What a terrifying perspective, and a truly sad and sick one.

I quote this most every year, and misquote it badly... but one of my favorite movies is 'The Long Kiss Goodnight' with Geena Davis and at their holiday/New Year's celebration a toast is made that is to the effect of "May the best of your past be the worst of your future."  In the spirit of wishing you a Happy New Year that is full of the folks and experiences you value, I wish you the best in 2014 and forward.  And I wish it for me too.  And I will work hard to make it a reality.

Thank you for reading, and more 'From the Mouth of a Hoarder' will be coming in the upcoming days and weeks.  She has been on a roll...

Hoarding... No one wins... But maybe I don't have to lose, either.  Not anymore.

Exceptionalism and Hoarding

Just letting some of my 'thinks' see the light of day on this subject before dropping back into my typical lurkdom (relatively speaking)...

Regarding the OCD/perfectionism discussions in countless blogs, articles, listservs and others...

Hoarding... What a condition of such misery, abysmal to nonexistent insight and foresight.  There are many nuances and continuums of hoarder behavior, and much of it is compounded by the hoarder's choice.  

For many of us who have hoarders that are severe (and cruel!) the aspects present may include behaviors from the following (think of a Lichert scale of intensity from 1 to 10):

-Narcissism/narcissistic parenting

-Lack of insight

-Lack of compassion/bankrupt of compassion... inability (or conscious unwillingness) to see there other perceptions, feelings, etc.  (Lack of otherization)

-Addictive manifestation of behaviors, pleasure on the hunt to acquire, shopping/ acquisition highs, and the building of the emotion as the cycle repeats

-Interpersonal abuse... With all the hallmarks of power and control.  Gas lighting... Making everyone else responsible for their feelings... Blame, shame, triangulation, manipulation, etc... Mental, physical, sexual abuse...  Neglect and active lack of nurturing...

-Forced and enforced codependency

-Silencing and stalking

Not a comprehensive list, but you get the idea.  Now, if you have not fallen asleep or deleted this thinking 'brilliant inductive and deductive thinking, Captain Obvious!' then I get to my point.  Finally.

What if the perfectionism, OCD-similar behaviors that do not align with a true diagnosis of said, etc. are actually behaviors on another continuum?

I would call this one 'inappropriate beliefs of exceptionalism'.  For this post, IBOE for short.  Or is it an overarching psycho-pathology that many of these previously listed behaviors are borne of...???

They (the hoarder) are delicate/misunderstood/traumatized/special.  

You are not, and your adverse childhood (and those as an adult) experiences are discounted, denied, invalidated... 

You are victim blamed, and the hoarder is adept at the wonderful stranger manipulation to get others to join in.

Their belongings/'treasures' (blech) are special.  So much more than relationships, living a life that is not focused on opportunity lost, lived in the museum of overblown slights and the castle of disappointments due to always taking the 'nuclear/scorched earth option' to interpersonal relationships.  We have been trained our whole lives that the hoarder, the hoarder's belongings, EVERYTHING except us, rationality, being proactive or getting out of the way to be a part of a solution is precious.

Now think of the concept of 'exceptionalism' as  it is applied.  The strange form of elitism based on many dysfunctional and oppressive constructs that your 'ways' are superior, and everyone should primarily accommodate you, and an expectation of mind reading seems to be a prerequisite skill.

Hoarding.  No one wins.  No one.

Mother's Day 2013

[Photo from a friend's Facebook page... From the 1981 Paramount Pictures Film starring Faye Dunaway].


Mother's Day... I know what our media and our culture expects, but for me, and many other folks... This day is a tough one.

I have many wonderful memories of my paternal grandmother, who did her absolute best to step into the hole left by mother, raising me when I was in essence turned out after 4th grade.

My father, although enabling my mother in many ways, also worked double time to do the best he could, and tried to be both mother and father to me.

Lost both of them over 24 years ago.

There were others, friends' parents, teachers... Who tried to give me the extra attention, mentoring, and support I needed.

To all, I am forever thankful. I survived, and I escaped. I left the hoard/hell house and have never looked back- returning is simply not an option. That house was not home.

I remember when the book 'Mommie Dearest' (William Morrow and Co.) was published in later 1978. I got the book at the library, and kept it hidden from my mother's evangelical and Pentecostal aunt who was staying at the house while my parents were away during one of my mother's 'vascular surgery' hospitalizations that lasted months. At 9 I was in junior high english classes, and read voraciously.

Folks have often asked when I realized it was not me- that the problem was my family. Seeing the meme today, thinking about its relevance to my experience just awakened a memory... THIS. This is when it happened. Reading Christina Crawford's words under my blanket at night with a tiny flashlight, reading her book all in one night. Realizing that someone else had lived with the rages, the punishments, the focus on appearances...
Not knowing that there was a concept of 'Gas-lighting', or narcissism, or hoarding... but realizing for the first time the warped reality my mother forced me to live under. And I got so angry. And the resilient, stubborn and persistent person that I became was born then.

I knew at that instant it was not me. I also knew that I was going to have to fight for myself. And I started standing up, pushing back. And being rejected shortly thereafter was my salvation.

Many times, folks have asked me 'when I knew'. So many ACOHs turn this internally, and accept it all. I have struggled with trust and intimacy... But I knew what she was dishing out was wrong. And I did not deserve it. Until now that memory was hidden from me. Like so many others, I do not remember a lot (if any) of my early childhood.

I remember that. I also now remember my mother checking that book out of the library and seeing my name at the top of the card in the pocket. And I remember the craziness that resulted.

Some things do not have to have see the light of day, or 'have the scab pulled off' so to speak.

I will call her in a bit, when I run into town to wish her a happy Mother's Day. I do wish her well. I wish she would address the mental health and childhood demons that she chooses to allow to make her life what it is.

I also realize you cannot want something more than that person wants it for themselves.

-Hoarding... It is not about the stuff... That is merely a symptom of a life threatening mental illness.

You know you were waiting for it... the unidentified 'poo' object update...

You.  Cannot.  Make. This. Stuff. Up.

A while ago, March 12 of 2013 actually, I shared about my hoarding mother's discovery of a turd in her hoarded home.  If you have not had the... pleasure... you can read it for yourself. 

Click here to read the blog about the discovery of the 'poo' object

Although I had NOT forgotten about our conversation nearly a month ago, I had not mentioned it, asked her about it, etc.  That is my new strategy for my sanity.  Not participating in the crazy.

So- because I am so obviously a masochist, I called her on my way home to check in.  

"I just got back!  [Rambling litany of complaints that launched with 'I am so mad I could KILL!'... her normal precursor.  One would think she ran the Boston Marathon, but it was in actuality about 3 errands/stops... one that includes the library.]  And something really WEIRD happened."

<Crickets chirping>

"Today I just had the word 'snake' come into my mind... it was weird!  So when I went to the library I asked the 'girl' behind the counter [You mean the librarian?  OY!] if she would 'do something disgusting' for me..."

<Inwardly I cringe and add the one-woman-operator of the local library to my 'needs flowers for dealing with her list'.>

"And she said that it depended on what it was!  She acted so weird!  I liked [the previous librarian who was the only employee until her retirement in 2010] so much better, but anyway, I asked her to help me figure out what snake poop looks like [and she begins to ask me if I essentially knew you could look such things up on THE INTERNET and proceeds on with no response forthcoming from me]."

At this point, I simply pull my car over to the side of the road to listen to this.  I know it is going to be off the charts batshit crazy.  If this were an earthquake, it would be a magnitude of approximately 7.5...

For purposes of brevity... I will offer a synopsis of the 'gems' of this conversation... they are:

• Her lengthy and odd descriptions of the poo/discussion of the poo... using words like 'half a prune, consistency...
• Her discussion with the librarian of the birdseed in the poo, and the librarian's advising her that the snake could have eaten a bird or a small rodent that would result in that...
• Her conclusion based on that Google search and resultant discussion that "the [hated] a$$hole [neighbor] in the turn" is responsible... "You KNOW that, THAT SNAKE, did not get into my house naturally.  
• In response to my question of, "How so?" She went off on a rant about she could tell that her door had been opened with a credit card and he would not have to open the door very far... her conclusions also included that the snake could not have gotten under the [large] gap under her kitchen door and so it went downstairs.  
• She mistakes me for a herpetologist and asks me how long snakes can live without food.  I advised her that it is most likely the snake is there because there is a food supply, and remind her of the mouse fiasco a few years ago.
• This causes utter indignation- and she haughtily informs me that there is not even a single bug in her house...
• She was ranting about the [hated neighbor] should go 'visit his mother'.  His mother died of lung cancer several years ago.  She then started her violent ideation which I advised her that she needed to change the subject immediately or our call was over.
• She acidly asked how the snake got in organically then asked about the dryer vent, which has no screen or anything in it now because she has used it to hide things on occasion [don't ask].  Where it is it is approximately 5 inches off the ground, and there is a whole 'hoardy' mess of a box for the feral cats to eat out of directly in front of it, and the cat feeding is drawing all kinds of vermin into the yard.  She then had a freak out that he put the snake down the dryer vent  and he could do something else!  Horrors!  And more comments about how she needed the 'Equalizer' [a horribly schmaltzy 80's US filmed vigilante show that she LOVED]
• She talked about how she would 'be careful' now before she reaches into anything downstairs...

WHAT IN THE BLUE HELL WILL WE FIND IN THAT HOUSE WHEN IT IS TIME TO CLEAN IT OUT?

You can imagine how it went from there.  I pulled back onto the road, informed her I had to go, and ended the call.

She continues to deteriorate.  And there is nothing that I can do.  She will not seek help.  She will not accept help.  And she is not to the level that an intervention can occur without her consent.  

I seldom feel this impotent, this helpless... and this hopeless.  No one wins, and I guarantee this is not going to end well.  For me or for her.  

I know from my work that you can not help someone that does not want it.  You cannot want something more than the person wants it for themselves... And the scariest part?  I am just NUMB.  

I am simply husked out. 

Dear Prudence's take on aging abusive parents

A timely article for me, and many COHs

I am not usually a fan of 'Dear Prudence'.  I often find many of her posts in regards to sexual assault victims disgusting and victim blaming... she can be a real rape apologist... That being said...

Home run Prudence.  Home run.  This could not be more timely.

Not that I am a fan of Larry the Cable Guy but...

Moles.  

Just in case you are not into US pop culture here is a [BAD] link to give you the idea...

http://www.myspace.com/video/kevin/larry-the-cable-guy/33606430 

So, lucky me, my mother has other anatomical obsessions other than hair on her lip and down south, poop, and anything else that can ooze or erupt.  Yup- the woman is simply obsessed with talking about her moles.  And she apparently has A LOT of them.  In seriously unsavory places.  And she likes to describe them in detail that would make a proctologist PUKE.

So... I call to check in, and in the midst of some rant she switches to how she caught a mole in her plastic underpants that cover her adult diaper and she now knows what is making it sore since IT IS STILL STUCK THERE.

<Retching>

You are welcome.  If I have to have that visual... I am taking someone with me to the aisle of memory bleach and a brain plunger.  

She then tries to begin to talk about what she found sticking her hand down in the diaper, and rooting around.

Um... NO.  I would like to have some sort of peaceful, happy, appetizing thought come back to me in the next day or two.

YOU ARE WELCOME!!!!

Welcome to my world...

Bang, bang, BANG. That is my head on the desk. A humorous call...

[Abruptly changing direction mid rant] ..."how do you use that thing and do it?"

Huh?  What?  I have no idea what you are speaking about.

"How do you shave the hair off of your lip?  Do you go up and down, across...?"

We have had this discussion 15 thousand times.  I am lucky that I do not have dark hair on my lip (at least yet).  That is YOU.  Hormone changes.  Mid-seventies.  That whole thing.

"... [inane description in agonizing detail of the hair on her upper lip and the inconvenience of it all] I do not know WHY this is happening. I let it grow out and showed it to my doctor.  Know what he said?"

Besides Ewww?

"He just laughed!  He didn't address it!  Not the hair on my lip or on my chin!  He just told me to use my favorite hair removal method!  I am not waxing!  It HUUUURTS!"

<Banging head> You can get it done professionally you know...

"I DID!  At the beauty school before it went out of business!"

That is not what I was talking about.

"You mean electrolysis? I see that place when I drive."

[Explaining the process and that in hormone/aging it can have limited results...]

"I am NOT doing that!  Why am I bothered with this?  I do not see other women that have hair like this on their lip and chin..."

That is because they choose to deal with it!  The women who choose to remove it (and some do not) make it part of their personal hygiene routine, often daily or as often as needed!

"Do they put anything on it?"

On what?  

"Their lip!  To keep it from getting hard!"

What?

"You know, your upper lip gets hard after you shave it."

Um- NO.  I do not.  Mine does not.  So you have a lip erection?  WHAT gets hard?

"[Ignoring my question entirely] So you do not put any cream or lotion on your lip when you shave?"

DEAR GOD!  NO!  I do not have to shave or do hair removal there!  That is YOU!  We are separate and completely unique people!  We are not remotely physically alike!  Remember?  The DNA contribution from my father?  The fact that he was a large part Native American?  The fact that I have essentially 0 body hair except for the top of my head and my eyebrows?

"So how do these other women do not have all the ...[I will save you the minute and gross detail] on their lip and chin?"

Because those that do, and those that choose to remove it, make it part of their normal beauty routine.  They know if they need to deal with it weekly, daily, less frequently, etc.  If you stay on it, especially using an electric trimmer, you should never see it.

"[Weakly] I guess."

So- shower and wash your hair each day.  Give your lip and chin a quick swipe...

"Don't get carried away.  You are weird with all your showering."

Wait.  What?  I shower at least once a day, no matter what.  And if I go to the gym, work out, am physically active, working in something dirty, etc. I will shower again.  How is that excessive?  

[Changes subject]

Argh!!!!!!!!!!  This from the woman who got her hair cut the last time I did, and did not wash her hair for 18 days.  Then went to the salon in Walmart and had them do it.  

YUK.