An update and a bit of 'From the Mouth of a Hoarder' (FTMOAH)

What a busy few days it has been!  Full of the fun things, and the 'WTF' things...

Had a lovely weekend of shopping and fun.  Spent Sunday at the pool, did a spot of swimming and got some sun.  Enroute to a large urban area about 90 minutes from home with a friend, I starting getting text messages from my hoarding mother's neighbor.  Long story short(er), my hoarding mother called her up to the fence and she surreptitiously got a couple of pictures of her.  Now my mother is ANTI-PHOTOGRAPH.  Even in my wedding she did not allow herself to be photographed, and did all she could to create drama at my reception by hiding in the bathroom and in the kitchen.  So...  The woman who:

• Tirelessly appearance shames others in every conversation, talking about how much weight they have gained, how wrinkled they are, how much gray hair they have, and the like...
• Complains about how frail she is, how she has to use a cane everywhere she goes, at the grocery or other stores she gets a cart to use as a walker, talks about all the 'wonderful strangers' that offer her help to get things, carry things, and wonder why she has no one that helps her...

Was photographed purposefully striding across the yard, unaided by any cane.  She is far heavier than I have ever seen her, and she is extremely gray now, as one would expect someone of 80 years old to be.  She is also very wrinkled, and the expression on her face, which I thought little of because that is her normal expression, is grim.  

This is not to appearance shame her.  She does not look her age, at all.  But, she is telling me that she is losing weight because she is unable to shop and cook for herself, and that she is not 'white headed' like everyone she sees and clucks over like it is a character flaw, and talks about how wrinkled and old they look.  She gives me hell on a regular basis about my appearance and weight, how short my hair is, how wrinkled around the eyes I am, and that I have been obese in my life, and I am not under 100 pounds anymore like I was when I was so sick in 2013.  I am going to have a hard time not rolling my eyes so hard they get stuck in the back of my head the next time she starts her crap.  She was going on about how swollen her legs were and how she could wear nothing but flip flops (that she calls TONGS)  and that is not true either.  So as I suspected, 90-99% of what she tells me is utter bull pucky, and I suspect this is one of the reasons she has avoided my overtures to see her in 2015 and 2016.  A bit hard to frame my perception when her reality is so very different.

She also ran into her sister's daughter, who is also a narcissist.  She, and her sister disowned this young woman in the early 80's for living a lifestyle they did not approve of, writing bad checks, living with men, and the ultimate piece was her dating <gasp> a black man, bless their little bigoted hearts.  Now this woman who is now in her middle 50's is living back in the area, but in the time after her estrangement, stole my mothers estate from the nursing home and absconded with the funds, and stole quite a bit of jewelry when she left our house for the last time.  So now my mother is rehashing all that ancient history all over again.  LET IT GO.  She cannot.  So there is that.

She had a tree fall from the neighbor's yard and come down on her garage, allegedly.  Of course she went scorched earth on that, the neighbor, and everyone else.  She is going to sue him now, for this tree and the 3 others that have fallen over the past 4 years.  But that is not the FTMOAH part.  

Ready for it?  FTMOAH...

She has been making obtuse yet dramatic references about 'what she has been going through' and 'what has happened here' that I have ignored, and after she managed to turn a discussion about me buying chocolate candy for the office to herself and that she has no air conditioning and has not...  She has decided that the hated neighbor 'in the turn' jumped her locked fence, pried up the 'outside unit' of her heat pump, removed the good works, and replaced the old works with junk and closed it back up.  

SAY WHAT?  This is even more paranoid than the gas can incident several weeks ago.  She has not called the police because she wants to get estimates for the damage and to back her up because they will not believe her.  

Uh huh.  They are not the only ones.  She also will not leave if she sees 'he' is home unless she has a doctor's visit.  She cannot leave the house empty or 'he' will come in.  (Reference to the 'snake poop' incident, the loosening the light bulb over her washer incident, and the stealing her stalking log incident...)

She then goes on to tell me that she is sure something awful was done to the little brown cat that she essentially stole from a neighbor.  She states that it has the largest butthole that she has ever seen, and she is sure that someone.... 

At that point I ended that verbal vomit from being spewed on me.  REALLY?  UGH!

There is much more, but I think you get the idea...

So, final piece.  My doctor's visit on July 5th.  We have a plan.  I will be having surgery soon.  I should get the call to schedule this week.  The plan is to try to get the softball sized mass and the ovary out laparoscopically, and if they cannot due to endometriosis or scar tissue they will reopen my hysterectomy incision and go in that way to avoid disturbing my mesh midline incision repair.  They will have a general surgeon and an oncological gynecologist on standby, and if I get in early, and it is laparoscopic,  I will go home the same day.  If anything more, I could be in one to 4 days.  My doctor reviewed my past mammograms and wants me to have another to ensure the mass on my chest wall they have been watching has not changed, and she wants that done as part of my pre op.  Um... YAY.  I am sure it is fine.  But okay.  

Lot of moving parts happening right now.  But it all will work out.  My mother asks about my surgery, then immediately launches into a story about her medical issues.  I think that it may be time to go from very low contact to EXTREMELY low contact.  I cannot stand it.  She is miserable, and I refuse to let her make me feel miserable.

Hope everyone is having a good week.  Thank you for reading, and the support.  

Hoarding, no one wins.  No one.  

A week away, and my... She has been busy...

So... I did it.  I went and had a lovely, relaxing vacation.  Seven days in the Caribbean with my best friend and his wife.  Seven days of being unplugged from everything, including my hoarding mother.  

I got back and decided to give her a quick call so she did not start stalking my workplace or her neighbor to determine if I had returned (via social media, as the neighbor made the fatal error of telling her I friended her).  I also remember her slipping and telling me that she called AAA and several travel agents when I took a cruise in 2004 in an attempt to get a way to contact me.  She failed.  Thankfully.

So...  This would be almost amusing if it were not so stinking sad.  During the week I was gone she:

• Declared war on the neighbors, especially the ones who had actually brought her food on the holidays and had been neighborly.  They paved part of the dirt road that she lives on, and she refused to pay for any of it, so they paved part of it and she is claiming that it has a drop off of over 8 inches near her driveway and she cannot get her car out.  She has called the county commissioners, the codes office, everyone at the courthouse.  She finally called the contractor who did the paving, and was miffed that the owner was out of town and unavailable until Monday, and despite it being only Saturday that he had not dropped everything and called her.  She also had phone and face to face altercations with the nice folks across the street, and went all 'scorched earth' on them.  She is now criticizing them in intentionally cruel ways, and was not happy when I called her on it and shut it down.
• She had been referred to an eye specialist who she had a negative experience with about 10 years ago.  The morning of her appointment the practice called, stated they were canceling her appointment due to her past interaction, and they were declining her as a patient.  When she went back to her primary care physician that referred her, she stated he was distant, late for the appointment, and would not make eye contact.  I apprised her to have the conversation with him, but she prefers to find another doctor.  Another wonderful stranger just fell off the pedestal.  She also started freaking out that the place she got her hearing aid is in the same building as the practice who declined her, and was going to worst case scenario there.  She then proceeded to tell me that in 2005 she had not acted inappropriately or in a batshit crazy way in the doctor's office, when I remember that bit off-the-charts ugliness. Revisionist history anyone?
• For some strange reason she happened to be discussing me and my car with a perfect stranger. Talking about how I had owned more cars in the past few years than she has owned in her life, and was going on about me trading my last car in on this car, and admitted that she asked this person how much the type of Volvo I have cost.  WHAT. THE. SERIOUS. HELL?  WHY?!?!?  I cannot fathom why she would be discussing me or the car I drive to anyone...  I suspect she was 'dragging her cross' and telling this new/wonderful stranger in training about her CEO (of a tiny nonprofit) daughter who just traded a Lexus (which was over nine years old) on a new Volvo (that was a retired loaner car and will soon be 4 years old) who is on a cruise (my first vacation in 9 years) but I cannot be bothered to come see her, etc.  I usually do not speculate, but in this case, she has done this enough that it is the rule and not the exception.  Some of her comments indicated this, and she presented them as 'oh how funny'.  GAH!  

She is simply determined to make life as difficult as possible by her behavior and her unwillingness to deal with her mental illness.  She is caught in the small, lonely and threatening world of her own making, and I am again reminded that you cannot want something more for someone than they want it for themselves, and you cannot help someone in spite of themselves.

I am lucky to be spending the holiday this week with friends.  I continue to be grateful for all that is good in my life, and also I am grateful for the lessons that I have learned from what is challenging.  I have friends that are my family, and two beloved kitties that are my furry family.  Life has its ups and downs, but it is very good, and peaceful.  And I work to keep it positive, and to keep it that way.  And it is WORK.  But it is worth the effort.  I either succeed or I learn. Either way I win.  I think that is a better stance than 'opportunity lost'.

Hoarding.  No one wins.  No one.  Have a great week everyone.

Not your normal post- Skydiving!

This is not necessarily hoarding related, but thought I would share!

I did it.  Today I jumped out of an airplane.  And it was all I hoped it would be and more.  I had so much fun, it was such a rush, and I want to do it again soon.

I did not share that I was doing this with my hoarding mother, however I am certain that she will know at some point since her neighbor and the 'Flying Monkey/Wonderful Stranger' Chiropractor are on my social networking site and most likely saw the many photos and other things posted today.

She will be PISSED.  And I simply do not care.  At 46 years old I do not need, nor do I require, her permission or approval.  She will be angry that I did this and 'kept it from her'.  She will be angry that should could not verbally vomit her negativity, fear, and threatening worldview prior to it.  She will be upset that it was such a lovely day with friends, and that nothing she can do can change it.  And that is all her stuff, none of it is mine.

I stepped way outside my comfort zone today.  I am really not a fan of heights, and small planes.  I do not surrender dominion of myself easily.  And today I did all of it.  And it was fun!  (And no 'oopses'...)

I will continue to live life at full volume, very unlike my hoarding mother who considers life as 'opportunity lost'.  She is making a choice, as am I.  I choose happiness, experiences, relationships... I think I know what is important.

Hope you had a great weekend.  Thank you for reading!

The Hoarding and Narcissistic Family Tree

Egads.  I am still processing my relationship with my NPD, hoarding mother and am low to no contact with other relatives... Or so I thought.

One day post 46th birthday I was rushing home from a lovely Ethiopian late lunch with a friend and had to change into 'professional CEO lady' clothing to attend an evening dinner event.  I rushed home, and was getting out of the car when my mobile rang.  I had been talking to my staff about a shelter issue, so I answered without looking.

HUGE MISTAKE.  

It was 'narcis-sister'.  My 1/2 sister who was given up at birth and found us when I was 26.  The thing that terrifies me is she is proof that there is a strong genetic link to this thing, with the narcissism, hoarding, and she is also struggles with Oxycontin addiction.  I got the "Hey little sister, sorry I missed your birthday by not sending a card, so happy birthday, and by the way, [your mother's sister] went insane and is seeing bugs and lizards in her house, stayed over here with with me and called the police on me today for domestic abuse..."  I explained that I thought that was unfortunate, but I needed to get dressed for a work event and ended the call.  She asked me to call her back... Hope she is not holding her breath on that.  She kept repeating she wanted to give me a heads up that I "will be getting a call" from my aunt.

Fast forward a couple of weeks.  I had just left a dinner date with a gentleman I have seen a couple of times now, and had just left my polling place and went to the grocery store.  I had just pulled in when my mobile rang.  It was my aunt, who also scares me on the genetic link piece.  She also is on the hoarding scale and is also demonstrates the clinical indicators of narcissistic personality disorder.  I selected ignore on my phone, removed it from the holder on my dash, dropped it in my leather handbag, and entered the grocery store.

Now, there are a couple of things that could have happened... Perhaps I did not lock my iPhone, and the leather from my handbag was enough of a contact with the touchscreen to 'buttdial' my aunt back.  I think the more likely scenario was she called, I hit ignore, she left the demanding voicemail that I retrieved later, and she immediately called back and my handbag 'answered'.  Either way, I hear her shrill and demanding voice screaming my name.  I knew if I disconnected her she would then continue to call my phone, and if I blocked her, would go to neighbors, etc.  So I answered.  

For over 40 minutes, other than my initial 'hello' and 'I have to go, I need to cash out my groceries' I said nothing.  I did not have to... It was a solid monologue of made up drama.  The short version is...  She was hospitalized with her back, and she claims that some meds they gave her made her see dead people and dead bodies in her yard.  She asserts the lizards, the rats, and the men talking under her windows at her home and at my sister's home was real.  She states that she was in the mental health unit for 5 days, but she has papers proving she has nothing wrong with her, that it was the medicine, and she has most of the blankets and towels off the windows now.  She states she is DONE with my sister, and told the story regarding the events that culminated in her calling 9-1-1.  She also is angry at the 'wonderful strangers' that she has included in her will chose to leave when she started having 'problems' and have not been accessible since.

Ugh.  Double ugh.

I think I have enough of this with my hoarding mother.  I simply cannot, or will not, deal with 2 others, and I will not allow myself to be triangulated into their pettiness.  

Hoarding.  No one wins.  No one.

Flying monkeys, wonderful strangers, and a whole helping of guilt for Lisabeth....

I received this last night about 9pm. Yesterday was a supremely craptastic day at work, and all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and I got this via social media.  I was so angry that I was trembling like I was freezing to death in subzero temperatures.  I was very triggered, and felt waves of anger, frustration, guilt, shame, you-name-it.  I cried and scared my cats.

The person sending this graduated from high school with me in my hometown 7 hours away. She is my mother's chiropractor, and her longest running 'wonderful stranger' and now, applicant to be a 'flying monkey' in Narcissistic Mother speak...

I was nearby to my NM in early April, and my mother could not be anything but a problem to any solution and, long-story-short... Declined to see me.

She has not seen me since April of 2013, three months before I nearly died and required 2 major surgeries in 10 months, (the first I was not expected to survive). In the 16 years I have lived in the state that is now my home she has never visited, and besides her toxicity, gaslighting, emotional abuse with  all the pleasant features of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, she is a level 4/5 hoarder, ergo this blog. It is not physically nor emotionally safe to be near her. As those who have read this blog over the past couple of years know, I have been extremely low contact for years.

Today is my birthday, and so far no acknowledgement of it from NM. (Not that I want a princess cake and a bouncy castle, but a timely card and a Happy Birthday call would be, well, motherly.)

Did I mention I loathe all the Mother's Day pathos?

Thanks for reading my vent. I treated myself to a new runner watch/GPS/fitness tracker that I have been looking at for a few months.  I had a lovely morning run in the May sunshine.  I am having a great work day, and plan on a lovely evening. I am over this...  

I did respond to 'Dr. Wednesday'.  My response was as follows:  

I appreciate your honesty and your kind care of her. She thinks the world of you. I tried to see her last month, and she declined. Our relationship is very complicated, and as much as I love her, she will not allow me to be a part of her life in the way that I would like to be or to do anything helpful for her. It breaks my heart, but she is the only one that can change it, and she just can't. If you would like to talk to me my number is ....

I know that Dr. Wednesday is close to her family and may not have a frame of reference.  I also do not believe the timing of this (the evening before my birthday and midweek prior to Mother's Day in the US) is coincidental.  My hoarding mother had a chiro visit with her yesterday.  

Such a little thing, and the maelstrom it awakened in me made me realize that although I have progressed by leaps and bounds, I have to accept that I have been impacted by the abuse I survived, and the craziness I still navigate now as a middle aged adult.  

It (the hoarding, the abuse, the gaslighting) is not who I am, but it has shaped me.  I have to continue to honor and resolve that, like any other human being.

Thank you for reading.  Have a great week.

Yep. I just had to call this morning. Update to yesterday's post.

Oh. Dear. God.

For a moment there, I apparently forgot that the universe revolves around my hoarding mother.  How dare I forget that!

In my 9/1/2014 post I blogged about her inability to get out of her own way to deal with a minor car accident involving a deer.

Also, this weekend was a holiday, a 3 day weekend for me since it was Labor Day.  A lovely weekend spent with friends, good food, and running/training for a half marathon.  I ran a total of 21 1/2 miles in three days, and 9.5 of that was yesterday.  Where this is relevant is my iPhone 5 picked mile 7.5 to die.  And it really died, not just ran out of battery power.  I took a slightly shorter way home, and found it would not charge.  After a quick shower I took the phone to the phone carrier's store in the local mall, and they confirmed that it was done for. 

"He's dead, Jim!"  <Sorry for the Star Trek reference.>

Anyway, I was incommunicado from 12 noon until after 6:30pm, and I broke out my little back up TracPhone.  No data, no hotspot, and since it is a flip phone, I am NOT texting.  My new phone arrives Wednesday.

So this morning I checked my iPhone VM remotely.  I had a rather pissy sounding message from my mother just dripping with condescension.  "Lisabeth, I know you have company this weekend but I need 5 minutes of your time- I have a question that needs an immediate answer.  Call me when you get this."  She called at 6:20pm, and I retrieved it at 7am when I came back in from my run/workout.  

I called her on my way in to work.  She was PISSED when she answered the phone.  I explained my phone was dead, and asked her what she needed.  She began to go off on how she will never ask the acquaintance with a husband with late stage Alzheimer's for anything again, and she is not helping her again, and how the neighbor down back (the one I spoke to on Friday who did not know about the deer strike) told her that she was busy and was leaving to go out of town that weekend (when she talked to her and DID NOT TELL HER she did not have her car).  So we are firmly within the halls of petty grudges and overblown misunderstandings.  They are supposed to READ HER MIND and understand that she might want them to drop everything at an inconvenient time and take her to the rental car place on a holiday weekend.

I switched the conversation back to what she needed, and heard the whole chapter and verse about how worthless her insurance company and the rental car place is, how she is calling the insurance commissioner to make a complaint, how she is finding new car insurance immediately, how she has a call into the regional manager of the rental car place and wants all involved fired, yadda yadda yadda.

Oy vey.  

She simply cannot get out of her own way to be part of her own solution, and her lack of empathy/inability to see any perspective other than her own is absolutely GOBSMACKING.

This is not going to end well.  Right now she is heralding the body shop owner as the hero, and the person is on a pretty high pedestal.  I suspect that fall will be hard and dramatic when mother goes to pick up her car and discovers that there is no way to make the repairs invisible on a 20 year old, three stage metallic paint job on an old Honda.

Thank you for reading!

Soulless and absolutely heartless... trailers, deed restrictions and inappropriate pretentiousness... OH MY!

Just a word of warning.  This may devolve at times into language stronger than PG-13.  

A bit of back story for this entry.  Back a few years ago the house next door to my hoarding mother's home burnt flat on Christmas Eve.  The blog can be accessed here:  my-worst-fear-was-almost-reality  The lot sat empty since, and it took the family a year or more to decide to sell it.  After many, many months of being on the market and little activity, a few months ago it sold, and apparently from the deed information it sold to a younger female buyer.  The speculation and the inappropriate assumptions were unending.  A few weeks ago an older single wide trailer was pulled in, and my hoarding mother promptly hit the stratosphere.  Griping about the property value hit her property would take, complaining about the position of the trailer, speculating on why things were not happening quickly, etc.

Today I called her on my way home from a late evening networking event.  Today has honestly been an absolutely WRETCHED day at work, and I should have just drove home without this bit of sadomasochism.  The upshot of our rather brief conversation is as follows:

1. My hoarding mother observed gravel being hauled in and dumped, the trailer leveled, the gas line and water hook up being connected, and an electrical pole with a box being set today.
2. My frail, 77 or 78 year old hoarding mother took herself, her 20 year old Honda, her cane and her multiple health conditions and pains to the county courthouse and looked at the deed and the restrictions.
3. She made copies of said deed and documents.
4. She determined that there is a restriction on that property that prohibits temporary dwellings of any sort, and that includes mobile homes, not matter how they are 'seated' on the property.
5. She saw a few neighbors out, and passed on the news that there was a deed restriction, and provided copies.
6. She encouraged one person to seek legal intervention and possibly to request an injunction to stop this process, and indicated she would go in on this to help since her property value was being adversely impacted.
7. She gave her little elitist speech/opinion that 'no one should have to look at/live in a trailer park'...
8. The one neighbor called and has started the ball rolling.

Now, some of you may be thinking there is nothing wrong with this.  There are several factors to consider:

• This street is a dirt road in rural Appalachia.  DIRT.  Mud holes with broken up cinder blocks dumped in them so someone can drive on the street.
• My mother's house is one, but the not only, of the most uncared for, dilapidated houses on the street which includes:
• A chain link fence installed in 1974 that is rusted and has almost all fence posts broken off at the ground, and she has wired T bars to them and driven them into the ground to hold the fence up.  One of the gates has the bottom frame rotted through and is in pieces.
• She has yet to trim or mow her yard, or hire it done.  (It is the end of May)
• Her screened in porch has big rips in the screens and they hang in tatters
• The porch is full of hoardy crap
• She feeds all kinds of animals and vermin on the front porch, and it is overgrown and has hoardy crap on it as well
• She has done little to nothing as far as upkeep to the exterior of the house
• The storage shed has wet rot halfway up the sides of the building
• There are at least three trailers on properties adjoining hers or across the street, and the next street over has a large trailer park
• The neighborhood is a mix of old ranch style homes built in the early 60's and some in the 70's, with a few houses built in the late 90's.  None are large or considered luxury, and the neighborhood is steadily declining and many houses are turning into rentals
• Until very recently, the home behind her had goats- and the damage caused by their insatiable appetites is readily apparent when you look at the garage and siding on her neighbor's property.  And they have several discarded cars in the yard...
• This same neighbor has a house on her property that has been abandoned since the early 70's and has trees growing through the roof, and you can smell the mold from 20 feet away

You get the picture.  Her house is not Buckingham Palace, although she is doing a damn good impression of the 'lady of the manor' routine.  

She thrives on other's hardships and misery.  Today she saw the young woman with her significant other and their dog for the first time as she spied out her closed window blinds.  They got out of the car, and seemed so happy.  They were holding hands as they looked around at the work that had been done thus far, and he kissed her and spun her around... and mother was absolutely disgusted.  Instead of going out and introducing herself, welcoming them to the neighborhood, and otherwise just being a decent human $*&^ing being, she watched them and mocked them through the window.  Who is the ridiculous one, the ones happily enjoying their property or the bitter old woman miserably watching from her darkened kitchen?

When she told her neighbors of the restriction, she threw her support behind blocking this young couple from using their property as they envisioned.  I suspect this could, and will be, financially devastating for these folks.  And my hoarding mother does not care.  All she can do is lament how she should have bought that property when it was for sale and how inconvenienced she is.  It is always about her, all the time.  She will keep agitating and keep the neighbors stirred up.  She forgets that she had her own mother in a travel trailer on the property in the mid 80's, and looked into a single wide trailer for her mother at that time.  She has also expressed wanting to live in a trailer.

What does this mean?  Nothing, other than it is a stellar example of her lack of compassion, her desire to stir the shit, and her utter unwillingness to drop her willful ignorance.  This is narcissism and sheer mendacity perpetuated as only she can.

Perhaps legally she can do this.  I have little doubt she can.  However, just because you *can* do something does not mean that you *should*.  And that is not a lesson she will or cares to learn.  I think it is so sad for this young folks.  There is what is ethical.  And she does not care.

I keep telling myself that 'hurt people, hurt people'.  But... she makes keeping her in a space of my empathy very, very difficult.  Her behavior is absolutely hypocritical, and makes me sick.  

She is a severely mentally ill woman who has survived much, but is unable/unwilling to see or do anything outside her initial perception.  She has very little insight, but enough to know to keep some of this secret, which tells me she knows how things will be perceived and that she is doing something cruel.

I posted a meme today at the end of my previous post, never dreaming what she would do today.  It is to the effect of 'It is okay to be angry, but it is never okay to be cruel'.  This is a lesson she has not learned.

Hoarding, no one wins.  No one.  And she just created collateral damage today.  I wish the young couple success in fighting the crazy.  I am so saddened and sickened by this.  As I keep saying, this is not going to end well.

Thank you for reading.  I am going to bed and try to sleep this day into a new, better one tomorrow.  Keep your fingers crossed for this young couple.  

Sharing an article- How to not say the wrong thing...

http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407   

I am always searching for articles, etc. for my workplace to post on social media, and a happy, happy side effect is I often find ones that might increase my personal knowledge and, hopefully, emotional intelligence quotient just a bit.

Just completed reading this article, and thought I might send this to my hoarding mother anonymously since she will not consider this if I just have the discussion head on, or in an 'oh how interesting' way.  Not to be snarky and harmful, but perhaps, just perhaps, she will read this article, and perhaps she would rigidly follow the 'no dumping in rules'... Not because she suddenly had insight or understanding, but because in her machinations and manipulations, this is another 'rule' she might find worthy of parroting.  

Just an ill executed attempt to make my life (and others who must deal with her) lives more palatable.  I know that unless I do this very carefully, this will backfire completely.  Worth a try though... Perhaps.

The second reason I found this a helpful is as children of hoarders we get a lot of judgement and 'judgy' statements sugar-coated to look something like empathy.  This could not be more relevant.  Especially with all the statements of 'your mom is your mom no matter what' and the expectation that you put your emotional and physical health as second priority.  

Thoughts on this article one way or the other?

Hoarding... No one wins.  No one....

I have no words to name this one...

For those of you of you who regularly read, (and I thank you!) my blogs are documenting my hoarding mother's continued slide into paranoia and abject misery.

Two most recent points to note:

Her absolute conviction that a neighbor is stalking her, has been in her house, steals from her daily, and has had her in a rifle scope (she states she saw the laser sight beam following her).  

Her absolute refusal to be part of her own solution.  For anything.  

To the first point, she has now purchased multiple driveway alarms.  Click here to see the Harbor Freight description of the alarm.  They are cheap and battery operated.  She has had one in her kitchen for many, many months to alert her if the cats get up on the sink.  <Ahem>  She is now obsessing and determining strategic locations to place them, and is considering buying a video baby monitor to monitor the garage.  She already has an intercom system to the garage that is on listen mode all the time.  She has gotten huffy that when she starts this trajectory of monologue I either ask her to discuss something else, ask her if she has done any of the safety planning/stalking protocol things we have discussed (one example can be viewed here), or I end the call.  

The first segueing into the second point...  Her refusal to be part of the solution.  The natal point of this blog was a Derecho that hit her area hard in late June/early July of 2012.  She was without power for many days, and through her decisions, she made a truly difficult situation horrific.  You can read that blog entry, 'The Derecho and the Elderly Hoarder', here.)  I had attempted to send her a generator and attempted to problem solve with her, both at the time, and after.  She is not having it.  I worked to develop a safety plan with her after she was bitten by one of her cats and required emergency hospitalization and surgery.  No go there, either.  That happened in July of 2010.  For nearly 4 years (and LONGER) I have attempted to work with her on contingency/emergency preparedness, safety planning.  And this type of strategy?  It is the basis of the past 25 years of my career.  So I do know just a small bit about it.   But,  unless it comes from Dr. Oz, Oprah, or a Wonderful Stranger in a doctor's office waiting room or shopping at Walmart, it carries no weight with her.

So... After an extremely busy and personally stressful week, I was dropped off by two friends, and was awaiting the arrival of two others to go to dinner and shopping.  My text message indicator sounds, and it is my hoarding mother's neighbor, the one I have contact with and who tries to check in on her from time to time.  She was going to call my mother to ask if she needed something from Lowes, and wanted me to call her and talk her into allowing her to purchase a generator for her to have, as another major winter storm is bearing down and was to arrive today with massive icing and snow accumulations.  Her neighbor expressed several frustrations:

1. That my hoarding mother keeps her cell phone number such a zealous secret from EVERYONE.  I am actually surprised she gave it to me.  It does little good to have it, as she never has it turned on.
2. She refuses to take common sense and reasonable preparation steps to ensure that she is not in a crisis if something unexpected happens.  And it is not a money thing, she is very, very secure and has the funds.
3. She refuses to listen to anyone, but is furious if people do not treat her advice as gospel.
4. She will not let anyone do anything for her, then is angry that no one helps her.  She honestly expects people to know what she wants, when she wants it, and how she wants it without being told.  And what she wants is often CRAZY.  

I told the neighbor I appreciated her efforts, and this was a lost cause.  She agreed.  Although she gets and supports my staying away, I got a good helping of the Appalachian expectation to fix this for my mother.

I cannot fix it.  Mother is the only one that can... and she refuses.  She did not ask for the trauma in her life, the abuse.  She did not ask for the severe mental illness she is locked into.  Where I hold her accountable is her refusal to do ANYTHING to help herself, and the impact her behavior has on others... and the impact it had on me... an innocent child who did not 'ask' for what I got growing up, and still do not 'ask' for what I get now.  <Sigh>  But I realize that I cannot do it for her, and the only person I can help/change is myself.  My one success is I shall never put a child through the utter hell I experienced growing up, and the wrenching mess that I am still involved in as an adult because I choose to maintain a relationship with her, honestly, for my own safety.  If I totally estranged, her harassment, her stalking, and her propensity for physical violence/harm and scorched-earth revenge would be unequalled for me and all those close to me.  All from a tiny, frail looking 78 (?) year old woman that walks with a cane...  

Hoarding.  No one wins.  NO ONE.

Thank you for reading.

101th Post and the 100th... Yes, it is 'From the mouth of a hoarder' time!

My apologies for such a long absence!  Nearly 3 weeks since my last post.  I did not realize it at the time, but the last post was number 100... and serendipitously... my blog (rant) was about her obsession with POO.  And talking about it, despite efforts to maintain boundaries with her.

She has continued her out-there-comments and assumptions, and below is a compilation of the most recent.

Without further ado... ENJOY!
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"[In reference to the feral cats she feeds and waters...] Would you believe the water bowl FROZE SOLID?  I guess if the little animals are thirsty they can just lick snow, right?  That IS what they do, right?  Just lick snow?"

"I was told that even though I do not have THE INTERNET {emphasis mine} I can still get information and stuff from my computer.  Is that true?"

"I guess I did not need two separate cell phones to keep one charged all the time for the car.  I changed my plan and my other phone was supposed to be no good after midnight on the 12th, but I waited a few days and called it to make sure that nothing sneaky was happening."

"[After lots and lots of snow during a recent snowstorm] Well, it is 2pm and still no paper.  That is ridiculous.  The TV does not show anything but crap and now no paper?  I am now not connected to any news at all!"

"[Speaking of the neighbor behind her that has resumed dating and has a live in boyfriend] ... How long is it before you can 'draw' against a spouse's Social Security Benefits?  Ten, eleven years?  She better hurry up and marry him, he has worked all his life and put away some money and would leave her a nice income."

"I just noticed on that guy's RV thing, that all the windows are tinted except the front windows.  I first thought someone had broken out the windows.  Why would they tint the back windows but not the front ones?"
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She has also been a broken record on:

• Her concerns for a hoarding acquaintance who has dementia...
• "She could forget to feed her dog or it could get away from her and die!  That poor little thing!  I know how it is to have no one to help you or see about you..."
• "She is going to die, or someone is going to take advantage of her.  And that daughter?  She does not deserve anything when she dies!
• Commenting on her neighbor's live in boyfriend...
• "He has been complaining of not feeling well and his stomach hurts.  Why... I bet he has cancer!"
• "He seems to have a lot of money to throw around.  Wonder what [his pension and job]pays?
• Commenting on various neighbors offering to take her to the store since the hoard-mobile is snowed in the garage and she has been unable to leave the place for nearly two weeks.  She makes a big kerfluffle of them calling, speculates on motivation, and refuses their assistance, then wails to me that she is running out of pet food, food, and medicine.
• She finally called the Area Office on Aging and got a ride to Walmart.  
• She now has a new wonderful stranger that was appalled she is on her own the way she is.
• She has been fixated on any child maltreatment case in the news, and has been simply ruminating and obsessed on the death of Phillip Seymour Hoffman and the death of Shirley Temple Black.
• She keeps asking weird and random questions about the protocols of the place that I work and the types of clients we serve, and gets annoyed when I will not engage.
• Obsessing about the weather.  EVERY OTHER BREATH IS A COMPLAINT.  No one is really all that thrilled right now, but complaining does not do any good as far as I can tell...

The bulk of her verbal diarrhea is complaining about how she cannot get out and do what she needs, railing about all the injustices she has been dealt in her life, complaining about her health, and refusing for a second to be part of her own solution... and attempting to be an 'askhole' and keep asking the same detailed questions on the same topics that she has no intention of acting on.

Calling her is painful.  And again, this is not going to end well.  It cannot.

Hope something here made you laugh a bit.  Have a great weekend!

She continues to get worse. How far is rock bottom for someone who hoards?

It used to be that with my hoarding mother, she would take a decline, then plateau.  

She is no longer plateauing.  She is steadily getting worse.  I have said it before, but this continues to get worse and worse... and it will NOT end well.  It simply cannot.

I have continued to keep contact to just a handful of times a week.  This is not popular with her, and I am sure I am the scourge of her 'wonderful strangers' but it is what it is.  I realized many, many years ago that you cannot help someone who will not let you, and you cannot let them take you with them to rock bottom.

Yesterday I was a glutton for punishment... I called her enroute to work.  She was off and running, using every topic as an excuse to give folks that have been either out of her life or dead for 30 years hell.  She has no ability to see anything outside a 'singular nature' so if you hit her crap list, she will go back and ruminate over every single interaction and reframe it from a place of malice and intent.  So someone is either good, or totally evil/malevolent/stupid... there is little in between.  As I approached work, she asked suddenly and apropos to absolutely NOTHING she had discussed up to that point...  "What happened to you going to law school?  I thought you were going to do that and you have not mentioned anything else about it and you have never started school."  

SAY WHAT?  Seriously?  I laid out the deal for her.

• That was something I considered between 12-15 years ago.  YEARS!!!!  Not recently!  I was in grad school from 2001-2003, and while I was picking my program, I contemplated various options, and selected Nonprofit Management.  She continuously asks if it was 'worth it'.  Ugh.  
• At the point I was nearing graduation from grad school, I contemplated 3 options.  
• A PhD in Social Work
• Getting my JD
• Getting a Masters in Nursing (for Admin)... And what happened was I applied to different programs, was accepted to various schools, and decided that the PhD route was the one I was going to go.  I was supposed to start 6 days after I ended my final quad of my Master's Program.  I simply was DONE, and pulled out.
• I simply do not have the time to be in school
• At the age of nearly 45, spending another 2-5 years in school is not something I consider a good ROI (return on investment).  
• Student loans now SUCK... and I would have to finance whatever I would do heavily.

I told her pretty much like I have detailed it here.  I got a weak 'Oh' in response, and then she started in on how much money I could make if I were an attorney... That is the base of it.  She has no knowledge of my financial situation AT ALL, but she makes assumptions.  And I am not measuring up.  Her messages to me as an adult child are as conflicted and MESSED UP as they were when I was a child.  And what it boils down to... I am not doing something she finds acceptable.  TOO BAD!  Last time I checked, she is not me...  I got off the phone, and went to work.  Before hanging up she insisted I call her that evening because she had something important to tell me.  I grudgingly agreed.

Later that evening, I call her on my way home.  She started with "well he has been in the house again!  And while I was here!".  'He' is the neighbor in the turn, now her closest neighbor on that side. 

I will spare you the long version, but she asserted the following:

• That she knew he had been in there because she put 'something' in a specific place AND IT WAS MOVED!
• She found footprints in the snow in her yard and on her porch... and they were men's footprints, and went that way.
• She called the sheriff and they would not come out, but she told them he was driving on a suspended, and the whole crazy story.... ugh...
• She talked to this said deputy about getting a double lock cylinder deadbolt and having it put at the top of the door frame.  Like over her head.  WTH?  He tried to talk her out of it, and she will not listen to reason.  She crowed "I asked him what did it matter if I could not get out quickly in an emergency if he can come in and kill me in my own home?  He did not have an answer for that!"  I advised her that I would take my chances with an intruder before I would do something like that which would almost guarantee she would not get out in a fire.  She immediately began to argue that she does not get shaken up, yadda, yadda and it would not be a problem.  
• She is now accusing the hated neighbor of being an arsonist- she is basing this on:
• A neighbor's trailer burning in 1974
• Two storage sheds burning in the late 70's early 80's time span
• The neighbor's house burning 1 or 2 years ago

SERIOUSLY?  In 40 years 4 fires, all investigated by the Fire Marshall, and one was electrical, one was paint and gasoline left in the building improperly stored in a record heat wave, one was undetermined, and the neighbor's house was electrical.  Oh yes... and an apartment that the hated neighbor resided in caught on fire.  He and his infant daughter and wife just made it out in the middle of winter in bare feet, and it was after a bad motorcycle accident that nearly robbed him of his ability to walk twenty, thirty years ago.  A neighbor upstairs fell asleep with a cigarette.  <Sigh>  That is quite a damning pattern around him, eh?

She started whispering that she found cigarette butts in cut grass that was 'piled' against the house.

She is absolutely toxic in her bitterness, rumination, and paranoia.  

Hoarding... no one wins.  

Thanks for reading... Stay warm and safe if you are in the path of the 'polar vortices' and inclement weather.

Yep. It is that time. It is 'From the Mouth of a Hoarder' Time!

Happy 2014 to all!  Been a bit intense lately, so I thought I would do another installment of FTMOAH.

Those who read my last blog know that my hoarding mother called me at work to essentially insult me.  That seems to be her new attempt at a strategy since the others are not getting her any traction.  She seems to be trying to take this strategy to another level and trying to be subtle in the most passive aggressive, narcissistic way possible is her new angle on trying to get under my skin.  Honestly... all I can do is laugh after I end the call.
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This group of statements are all things she and I have discussed many times over the past days, weeks, months... years... you get the picture.  Of course, when I say it, she refuses to understand, get it, and asks the same question 401,204 times.  She hears it from someone in a waiting room, at Walmart, on Dr. Oz, etc. and it is the new gospel that she needs to educate me on!  Ai yi yi...

"Did you know that they do not routinely remove appendixes anymore during abdominal surgery?  Apparently they do have a function and are not useless like I thought!  I thought they just did that, but they don't!  You might still have yours..."  (I do.)

"Dr. Oz says artificial sweeteners actually cause weight gain even though they have no calories!  And they can be harmful!  That is so scary!" (Never mind Aspartame gives me thunderclap migraines and Splenda put me into stage 2 renal failure...)

"Did you know that the stuff they put on fruits and vegetables is so harmful?" (No.  That is why I buy locally grown, organic vegetables and fruits...)  

"Do you know that hearing aids don't cure all hearing loss?  Supposedly if you have not heard a certain level or consonants for a number of years your brain 'forgets' how to hook that all together.  Think that is why I have such a hard time hearing people?  But young people and women TALK SO FAST!"

There are many more, but you get the idea.  And she is just flabbergasted when I apprise her this is not a news flash.  And that we have discussed these things before.  
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She also continues to walk down the aisle of "I cannot see anything other than my own weird assumptions and my own perspective".  Things of late that have been conversation stoppers...

"I cannot understand with having a military pension and being retired from the police they do not have any money."

"Do they still not bury people when it is so cold?  When I was a little girl the neighbor girl died and they brought the coffin home and it sat in their living room until warmer weather.  It started to smell really bad..."

"When the bank sends something to someone ON THE INTERNET [emphasis mine... but she says it the same dramatic way each time] can everyone see it?  Or just the person the send it to?"

"[Asking about one of my friends abruptly] does that job pay well?  They always seem to be travelling or doing SOMETHING."

"There were people next door stomping around.  I think they are going to bring a trailer in.  A TRAILER!  Like we need that to bring down property values here!" (Um... actually, living next to YOU will bring down their property value...)

"I have been reusing my newspaper bags/sleeves.  I cover my feet in lotion and put the bags on to sleep.  It is working!  My feet are no longer sharp and cut my socks with the crust around my heels." (Retching... sorry... if I get to hear it, I feel I must share the joy!)
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There is much more.  I need to use my voice memo to keep track of it all, as this kind of stuff has become so commonplace that it is hard to keep track of.  And she is getting worse.  All I can do is keep to my plan of keeping contact short and only a few times a week.

Hoarding... no one wins.  NO ONE.  Have a good evening and thanks for reading.  

Another cat leaves the hoard. RIP Ralphie...

Yesterday was a fun day.  Had friends in from out of town, and I swear we spent our day shopping and eating our way across the mid state.  Eating mainly.  But anyway... as we were leaving the latest round of restaurants, I got a text from my hoarding mother's neighbor.  Apparently one of her cats died that day.  Ralphie, a cat that she found in a snowstorm 4 or 5 years ago.  The neighbor said he had a kidney issue and was blocked completely... but to not let my mother know she had told me.  I apprised her that I had company in, and I would call my mother tomorrow (today).

Today I have been lazy, and did not leave the apartment for any reason.  Tomorrow I will go into the office, and it will be a long day, most likely.  I decided to just get it over with and call her today instead of tomorrow.  When I spoke to her last a couple of days ago she was on her 'psychic' kick again, morosely intoning things like "I feel like something is about to happen.  I just HATE feeling like that!  I do not know what, but SOMETHING is bad is about to happen!"

Okay.  Right.  Talk to you later... So I brace for this call.  And I know that I must seem to be the most unsympathetic person ever, but this is not a normal relationship or interaction.  Ever.  

So I call.  And she immediately comments on me 'not doing anything for a couple of days when all [I] do is run..."  I reminded her that I had guests in... again, choosing to ignore the fact that I know she writes anything I tell her on her wall calendar... things like vacation dates, people visiting, etc.  She complains about the weather, goes on about the neighbors social activities, and talks about how it is so much effort to wash her hair.  YUK.  I think I might escape this call when she intones the morose soothsayer voice and says- "Well, you know how I had a bad feeling something was going to happen?  Well it did."  I was watching my stopwatch on my iPad to see how long she would make the dramatic pause... 32 seconds.  "Ralphie is DEAD."  

She went into the story, and her stories have a formulaic quality... all of them.  She weaves so many tangents and details in to any story that it is difficult to follow.

• She tries to build drama to finish with a climatic ending 
• She focuses on what she thought, and her incorrect medical assumption
• She gave the cat a cat laxative (he cannot pee!) and sat and watched him all night instead of calling the emergency vet
• Finally at 8 am she starts calling vet offices
• She talks about all those who failed her by not answering their phone at veterinary offices or the emergency vet- and she did not leave a message at any of them
• She knew her vet was in until 3pm, and the cat is straining so hard to pee that he is drooling and the inner lid is showing and since she got the voice mail she called the humane society who told her to do the # 9 thing to get a human
• She did, and took the cat over at 1pm

The long story short is he was completely blocked, in monstrous pain, and his bowel was blocked off.  She was presented with several options, and the vet was not optimistic about any of them based on presentation.  My mother elected to euthanize Ralphie.  She held him, and stayed with him until the end.  My heart does hurt for him, and for her.  Each time I have had to do that, I have had a friend with me to support me after.  She did not.  

Now the real crazy kicks in.  She buries all her animals in the back yard, and there must be easily 40 of them out there now.  She gets Rubbermaid boxes and does all this prep of the body.  I got this huge description of the tote bag they gave her to carry Ralphie home in.  And the kicker?  She kept the bag, and did not leave him in it.  She has alienated many of her neighbors, and several are having health issues and cannot dig a hole for her.  Of course, in her typical way of not seeing anything from any point of view but her own, that is a serious failure on their part.  One neighbor had the audacity to not be home until just an hour ago!  She called some man she used 2 or 3 years ago to dig a hole on the next street over, and he came and did it for her.  He shared that they just lost a kitty this week to the same thing, and a couple of my friends have lost cats this month to renal issues.  

She began wondering aloud if she should start feeding all her cats the kidney diet food and distilled water as a prophylaxis.  She stated that her one cat had glaucoma and a heart murmur, and "kidney and heart are related you know!"

She then rebounded from my lack of agreement on that to maligning the folks next door to her neighbor that alerted me.  2-3 years ago the one neighbor's goats pushed her fence down and got in her yard, and this couple came over and herded the goats out.  My mother was screaming, hitting the goats with a broom, ranting, and carrying on... but now in revisionist historical fashion... she has no idea why they do not return her calls and she has manufactured a whole list of things that she has tried to do that is nice that they are missing out on.  

My response this was to just tell her I have heard all this, and she got Ralphie buried, so it is all good, and if this is going to be the topic of discussion I am getting off the phone.  

WOW.  I cannot even extend my condolences to her in a way that is somewhat normal.  She just cannot do it.  She is now, allegedly, down to 4 or 5 cats.  

<Counting on fingers... Pretty sure it is 5 cats that she admits to...> This is the least amount she has had in 20 years or more.  She has 2 distinct cohorts, ones that are over 10 years old, and ones that are under 2 or 3 years old.

Hoarding.  No one wins.  No one.  Especially dependent children or pets.  

Christmas 2013

Today is Christmas day for those who celebrate.  For my hoarding mother, this is her birthday as well.  She is within striking distance of 80.  Sadly, due to her choices, she sits alone.  She immediately made a snarky comment about being bored and that it is not a Merry Christmas/Happy Birthday.  I let it go without comment.  Sad, but this is a trajectory that she set herself on at least 40-something years ago with me.

So... why this little happy blurb?  For me, this particular holiday has been an exceptionally happy one.  I had a serious medical issue that threatened my life this summer, and I came through it, and am here to celebrate.  I have amazing friends that are my family, and I spent a lovely day with them today.  I spent time with a friend yesterday evening bowling, playing arcade games and Skeeball, and the like until almost midnight.  I am feeling like myself, and my weight is up to where I was pre surgery, and I am working on getting back up to run.  Life is good.  

So I call my mother today.  To wish her positive Birthday and Christmas sentiments.  Not a terrible conversation, but full of the normal hoardy weirdness.  She mentioned that the folks across the street brought her a plate of food.  She picked up a box of Russell Stover candies and gave them to them, not in a friendship way, but in a transactional way.  I did not comment, and ended the call when I arrived at home, telling her I was planning on going upstairs and taking a nap.  This would have been around 4:30pm or so.  She made some comment in regards to 'good luck with that' and I advised her it would happen, I was going up, unloading the car, and taking a nice nap.  So... that happens.  I come in and fall asleep instantly and deeply.  And at 5:10pm... GUESS WHO CALLS...

My hoarding mother.  

<groggily> Hello?

"What is wrong with you?  Why are you upset?  What is wrong?  What is going on?"

I am not upset.  Nothing is going on.  I was taking a nap.  What do you need?

"I don't 'need' anything.  You sound upset... [starts previous rapid-fire questioning]"

You woke me up from a dead, deep sleep.  Remember the final part of our conversation a bit ago?  I said I was coming in to take a nap.  You called for a reason... tell me what it is.  I am wide awake now. 

"Well, I guess I remember that but I did not think about it ... all I wanted was to tell you what just happened..."

Okay.  So tell me.

"Well if you..."

Look.  I am awake now.  Tell me or don't.  Either way I am getting moving and doing some things done since my nap is over.

"You know the people across the street?  [Excruciating description of their home location...] The man called, and they brought me over a plate!  It was enough for THREE MEALS!  It had cheesecake and [continued itemization of the food].  WHAT IS GOING ON?"

It is a conspiracy of food.  Killing you with kindness.  I do not know.  I am glad they can do that for you.  Say thank you, and move on.  Enjoy your cheesecake.  Getting off of here.  

I ended the call.  Wow.  I would like to think one of the last things I would do if someone told me they were laying down for a nap is to call them 40 minutes later.  I would hope that I would not be so self-focused that I would put what I wanted above the other person's plans or needs.

So, since that call, I am enjoying my evening with my lovely cats, watched 'A Christmas Story' and 'Badder Santa' (please don't judge) and had my favorite vegetarian hot and sour soup and veggie egg roll.  

Conversation is always a bit disheartening, but it is what it is.  Just another affirmation of how pervasive the personality aspect/narcissism is that characterizes hoarding.  I remember growing up if I wanted to nap because I was tired or sick, she would simply not allow it, and if anyone had plans that they wanted to do, like me or my father, she would delay, drag her feet, and generally make going a burden, or make us so late that it adversely impacted whatever we wanted to do.  

Holidays have always been weird for me, and I wish I knew enough about hoarding and the collateral damage to children of the hoard to explain my apprehension and weirdness with the holiday.  I am sure I have puzzled boyfriends, roommates, friends, husbands, et al with my awkwardness.  My mother made any holiday rough.  It was like walking on eggshells, and she always found a reason to be angry, to scream, to rage, to pout, and to not speak to me.  More years than I can count, I would get her a gift and she would not open it, or would toss it aside. Some still are in the corner of the bedroom she shared with my father, I guarantee.  That room is hoarded floor to ceiling.  

Contrary to the reasons my mother does not decorate, I do not decorate.  One reason is my lack of religiosity, the other is I live a minimalist lifestyle in a small, open floor plan apartment and simply do not choose to decorate.  

Despite some discomfort with holidays, etc., I have peaceful ones spent with my furry family (my two cats) and with friends.  My family of choice.  No screaming, no hard feelings, no strange patches of rage.  Just fun, food, and enjoyment of each other's company.  The gifts are secondary, and are thoughtful and fun.  In that, I consider it to be a triumph over my upbringing.  

I hope that everyone has a lovely, lovely evening.  If you celebrate Christmas, Merry Christmas.  Whatever path you follow, I wish you the best of holiday wishes.  

Hoarding.  No one wins.  No one...  Thank you for reading.