Monday, April 8, 2013

And the oral manifestation of madness continues...

Sharing some more gems uttered by my hoarding mother...

"This is just CRAZY!  I mean it it is so creepy!  I just spoke to 'Beulah' and it is so WEIRD."

<Dead silence from me.  Wait for it... Wait for it...>

"You know her husband died last year..."

Yeah.  I remember.

"...[recounts the whole terrible event complete with pulling the plug on him due to brain death] and he died on April 16th!  Isn't that WEIRD?"

I am not seeing what is so strange about that.

"OH COME ON!  Beulah and I are close to the same age, and [blah, blah, blah] and your father died on April 10th, and 'Spanky' died on the 16th.  Isn't that such a COINCIDENCE?"

Not really.

"Well.  You tell me how it is NOT!"

Well, other than they both died in a hospital when life support was withdrawn, there is absolutely no similarity in the precipitating cause of death.  Dad died 24 years ago, 23 years prior to this guy.  They just both happened to die in April, and not even on the same day.  I am simply not seeing the connection.

Out of the blue, with no intro or context...

"Do you know anyone that wears these?"

Wears what?  

"You know."

Um- NO I do not.

"These rubber pants.  Will Medicare pay for them?  I heard that Medicaid will!  They are expensive!  [Yadda, yadda, yadda]".

What do you mean by 'rubber pants'?  Are you talking about the plastic covers you can buy for adult diapers?  Are you talking about the adult diapers themselves?

Indignantly... "I do NOT wear diapers! I..."

Do you wear Depends?


Do you wear any type of cover on them? 


Then you wear adult diapers or continence pants.

"... What I wear looks like underpants and they have some sort of covering and about where the hairline is the..."

[Gagging] Okay.  Spare me the obtuse yet graphic description.  They are Depends, and they are NOT 'rubber pants'.  

"Do they still make... [insert endless questions about baby diapers of various sorts, and keep in mind she has not experienced diapers since I was toilet trained approximately 43 years ago...]"
Her newer obsession to fixate on is how she 'sees nobody' on the street.  She does not do it on nice days, but regardless of weather.  She goes on and on how she 'does not see a sign of life anywhere' and how WEIRD it all is.  

Her other neighbor related obsessions are:

  • Sniffing that she does not know anyone's name
  • Conversely complaining that if someone does go past and wave that she 'does not know what brought all of that on'
  • Speculating on folks incomes, spending habits, etc.
  • Insisting that she is just sure that several of the neighbors are running 'rooming houses' because the number of cars that are there, etc.
  • Neighbors' pets and their incompetent pet parenting of them
  • Who has water in their basement
  • Anything to do with hated neighbor in the turn
Yet she insists that she does not look outside often
More verbal quirks...
  • She does not look... she 'glances'
  • Folks do not say... they 'make the comment' or 'make the remark'
  • Children and pets are not gendered... they are 'it'
  • A perpetrator does not molest a child ... he or she 'messes with it'.
  • Two folks that are in a domestic violence/battering event are described as 'fussing and fighting'
  • Despite my continued objection and explanation of how offensive this is is, she continues to refer to people that she sees as below her in morality, station, etc. as 'that tribe'.
  • She continues to ask ethnocentric questions and refuses to use the word/concept 'ethnicity'.
  • She will clang.  See Wikipedia's definition of Clanging
Ongoing technology quirks
  • If there is even a remote chance of a thunderstorm, she unplugs everything, including her microwave and TV. She will also turn the HVAC and roof fan off.
  • If she leaves in warm weather, she turns off the AC just in case an unforecasted storm blows into the area.
  • She has yet to be able to use the settings on her TV or Cable Box in a meaningful way, and calls the Cable Company 2-3 times a month.
  • She purchased a laptop from my previous employer in February of 2006.  She made a royal PIA of herself demanding it be shipped immediately.  To this day, it sits in its box, in the hoard.  She intermittently will subscribe to some sort of Internet service, then cancels because someone will not help her/answer her questions/pick a reason.
  • She refers to anything online as 'THE INTERNET'
  • She refuses to allow anyone to set up electronic transfer and if they do that instead of process her check... all hell breaks loose... SMH
  • She refuses to use an ATM because they are 'dangerous and risky'
  • She will not learn to use her cell phone to set up her phone book or to use her camera...
  • She throws a fit once a week because she cannot find disposable cameras to purchase, and experiences 'sticker shock' on getting film developed
  • She asks the same questions over and over regarding digital photography...
Which brings us to...  questions asked each week regarding digital photography!
  1. Is there a charge for taking pictures?
  2. You mean they stay on the phone?
  3. How does one of those little cards work?  How big is it?
  4. I can print pictures?  So if I want more than one copy... I just take multiples of the same picture?
You get the idea.  Have a great evening.

No comments:

Post a Comment