Thank you for those who checked in via comments, emails, and the like. It has been a busy two months, and I do what I normally do when life turns up the heat. I 'go to ground' to mix analogies.
I am not sure where to start. I guess with a personal update, then onward to stuff with my hoarding mother. Long story short, I had a long email and phone conversation with my new specialist after the disastrous appointment in December. I felt she really heard me, and she scheduled more testing. The medicine prescribed was AWFUL, and caused a headache within an hour of taking it, and it lasted two to four hours, then I would take the pill again. I felt really rough. I had my tests, and one was so invasive and so foul that they intentionally do not tell patients what it entails until you get there. I also learned that I am still extremely claustrophobic. I had a major freak out in an MRI, and managed to get through the test through sheer force of will alone. My latest appointment with the specialist was a week and half ago, and she took me off the awful med with the horrid side effects (including headache and weight gain) and she has referred me to another specialist/surgeon, for physical therapy and biofeedback, and to specialized clinics and the genetics clinic. I will not be seeing this doctor again as she has gone as far as she can, it is now up to the other specialists. I feel so much better sans GI medication, and I am increasing my mileage slowly to get into my training groove.
Now- from my hoarding mother. Some areas of the northeast have had significant rainfall, snow, spring-like temperatures, and snow... Lather, rinse repeat. Due to this, her area has HEAVY flooding. She called today to ask why I thought water was coming up through the floor in her basement. Apparently she called a home improvement store first and got angry when they were not helpful. I advised her it was due to the flooding and melting, and she had a fatalistic attitude about it 'why should I even bother' when I told her she would need to toss anything that the water came into contact with. She also stated that the hated neighbor in the turn has broken into the garage and taken the fusebox and the electrical panel. I asked how anything electrical like lights or the garage door is opening. She changed the subject.
She has been on a paranoid tear lately. She tortured the Sheriff's Department in her area wanting to talk to the Sheriff, and finally settled to the Lieutenant. She was angry and cursing him, stating he was condescending and did not believe her. She blew up at me because she determined I had a different car because 'it sounded different'. I had an SUV from the dealership (actually, the sales manager's $100K SUV that is self driving, etc.) because I hit some furniture after dark on the highway and did a significant amount of damage to my car, some covered by insurance. She was furious I had not said anything about the accident to her, and she kept demanding to know how it happened. Later, when they had to keep my car a few days longer since they found additional damage, she was giving unsolicited advice and opinions and then started saying things like 'is that why they gave you that SUV? They have so many things wrong with their cars? ' and similar crap. Um... NO, the SUV was a favor since their loaners were all out and they were trying to save me a rental fee and the car did not break- I CRASHED IT! Her sense of entitlement to preferential treatment is astounding. I was grateful, she was angry they did not do more or lie to the insurance company about a motor mount they had to replace while in there. My car is back, and is good as new.
She has been excessively horrible. Smugly criticizing the neighbors for their wet basements and stating 'she has never had a problem' which is not true. but in the 50 years it has happened maybe twice, and then happened today. She criticized a neighbor stating 'her pets do not last very long' and touting her pet's longevity, and then she suddenly lost one at 8 years old with a spinal stroke. She continues to talk about horrible skin and body issues, and she lost more teeth, and only has nine in her head now, and may lose two more soon. She also contracted C-Diff, and she has no sense of TMI. C-Diff in a hoarding, 81 year woman is going to be hard to get rid of. I could fill pages with the ableist, classist, racist, heteronormative and cisnormative crap she spews. She absolutely exhausts me.
I have been limiting contact, and doing a lot of 'grey rock' with her. Not that I would tell her, and not that she asks, but I have my own stuff to deal with, and life is not a bed of roses right now. Work is busy, challenging, wonderful yet ROUGH, and I work 12 to 16 hours day Monday through Friday, and work all day Saturday and part of the day Sunday.
I have my new treadmill in my bedroom, so that gives me some additional ability to train when my schedule is tight. I am so grateful to the friends who got it and brought it to me.
I have much to be grateful for. Even challenges often have a flip side. If life knocks me down 10 times, I will get up 11. I learned much from my hoarding mother, and I developed a sense of resilience I might not otherwise had. With that being said, I have to repeat... Hoarding, no one wins. No one. Have a great week everyone!
Showing posts with label Running. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Running. Show all posts
Sunday, February 18, 2018
Friday, October 20, 2017
200th Post for Not My Hoarding Mother Blog!
Wow. My blogging platform that I use let me know that 2 milestones have been reached this month as far as the blog... One is this is the 200th post, and the second is the blog has had over 100,000 views. I just want to say THANK YOU to everyone that reads, that comments, that sends messages, that shares the Not My Hoarding Mother Blog. I am overwhelmed.
It is bittersweet, that I have had material to continue to write for these past few years. I am so happy to have connected with other folks with parents that hoard, with parents that are narcissistic, and parents that have imparted trauma histories on them. I wish none of us experienced this. But we did experience it, and I hope this blog is about the journey of growth, healing, and some humor thrown in.
Sharing last weeks 'From The Mouth Of A Hoarder' (FTMOAH) exchange...
"What color is your garage door opener?"
What... Why?
"Just answer the question, I need to know."
<Sigh> I think black or dark taupe, I do not know. I know I have lived at my place for nearly 10 years, but I have never paid attention to it....
"What color is mine?"
I have no idea. I am not sure I have seen the newer one you had installed several years ago.
"You mean when I was in the hospital you left my car outside?..."
No, I mean I did not look up at the thing, and I do not know when you replaced it... Why?
"Well, the panel was crooked, and ... Well, something is going on and I do not want to get into it..."
Okay <changes subject>
"...<Interrupting> Do you know where you buy those metal grates that look like cages to go over walk through doors..."
No I do not. Gotta go!
_____________
Okay, so I see where this is going. She is apparently convincing herself that the 'hated neighbor' came in her garage and has switched out her garage door unit.
Ai yi yi. For giggles I meant to look up at my garage door opener. I have not. I still do not know what color it is. And I do not care...
Hoarding, no one wins. No one! Some good news, just had the 11 year anniversary at my job, and I run my first obstacle race tomorrow. Hoping that goes well! Have a great weekend everyone!
It is bittersweet, that I have had material to continue to write for these past few years. I am so happy to have connected with other folks with parents that hoard, with parents that are narcissistic, and parents that have imparted trauma histories on them. I wish none of us experienced this. But we did experience it, and I hope this blog is about the journey of growth, healing, and some humor thrown in.
Sharing last weeks 'From The Mouth Of A Hoarder' (FTMOAH) exchange...
"What color is your garage door opener?"
What... Why?
"Just answer the question, I need to know."
<Sigh> I think black or dark taupe, I do not know. I know I have lived at my place for nearly 10 years, but I have never paid attention to it....
"What color is mine?"
I have no idea. I am not sure I have seen the newer one you had installed several years ago.
"You mean when I was in the hospital you left my car outside?..."
No, I mean I did not look up at the thing, and I do not know when you replaced it... Why?
"Well, the panel was crooked, and ... Well, something is going on and I do not want to get into it..."
Okay <changes subject>
"...<Interrupting> Do you know where you buy those metal grates that look like cages to go over walk through doors..."
No I do not. Gotta go!
_____________
Okay, so I see where this is going. She is apparently convincing herself that the 'hated neighbor' came in her garage and has switched out her garage door unit.
Ai yi yi. For giggles I meant to look up at my garage door opener. I have not. I still do not know what color it is. And I do not care...
Hoarding, no one wins. No one! Some good news, just had the 11 year anniversary at my job, and I run my first obstacle race tomorrow. Hoping that goes well! Have a great weekend everyone!
Tuesday, October 10, 2017
What is real? And what is not real?
Oh, life with a hoarding mother... The gift that keeps on giving...
She continues on her paranoid delusions that her neighbor is 'picking her locks' (does anyone do that anymore? I thought if folks were going to break in they use a credit card, a kit, or a bump key...) and is breaking things. She did finally go to an autobody shop only to have the owner tell her that her 'floppy seatbelt piece' was merely loosening due to age. (The car is 24 years old, after all!) I am not entirely sure she buys it 100%, but she always needs a 'wonderful stranger' to tell her what I have been telling her for years... And I used to run an auto body shop... But what do I know? And my mother absolutely ascribes to sexist gender tropes, so since a MAN told her, then obviously that carries some weight. It is exhausting. But, she is now saying that someone (the hated neighbor) broke into her garage again and loosened the plate on her garage door opener, but she feels he was interrupted since the repair person she called said it was okay. Allegedly the repair person told her to get the steel gates that proprietors use to protect storefronts that lock from the outside for the walkthrough door. Um. Yeah.
The weekend before last, while my mother's neighbor was on vacation, my mother called her stating the garage had been broken into ranting. She did not call me, and waited until today to mention this. I call bullsh*t. She has twice had this neighbor and her fiance come to the fence with flashlights after 10pm to shine a flashlight so she can change the bulbs that she claims the hated neighbor in the turn is destroying. She has also asked this neighbor to shoot her gun into the air or into the ground. Same deal, different day with this craziness.
My hoarding mother mentioned she has not been to her chiropractor in months, and that chiropractor is a classmate of mine from high school (and a major flying monkey of my mother's), and knows I was in town for the high school reunion. I did try to contact her as I was headed to my hometown, but she chose not to answer (and I know she knows the reunion was that weekend, as the chiro told her months ago). I guarantee this woman will say something along the line of 'so, how was your visit with Lisabeth when she was in town in July?' and a whole level of manufactured drama is about to be released. I am not going to take a lot of her crap. I called, I called again, and she did not call back until I was almost home. DONE. Consequences of her own actions. Then I may have a conversation with my 'classmate'. I am so done with her too.
On the good news side, I ran my first race post surgery this weekend. I was 6 minutes slower than my usual, but did not have to walk at all. It was a mixed course with pavement, field, and trail, one of the hardest for me. I am glad I am on the way to getting my momentum back, and I have lots of additional testing at the teaching hospital at the end of the month, but I booked my flight for Florida for Thanksgiving, so I have that to look forward to. I also will be celebrating the one year 'gotcha' anniversary of one of my sweet kitties tomorrow, and they make me so happy. I am working too much, and I am hoping my schedule will normalize a bit in the next couple of weeks.
Life goes on. Onward and upward! Thank you for reading, and have a great week.
She continues on her paranoid delusions that her neighbor is 'picking her locks' (does anyone do that anymore? I thought if folks were going to break in they use a credit card, a kit, or a bump key...) and is breaking things. She did finally go to an autobody shop only to have the owner tell her that her 'floppy seatbelt piece' was merely loosening due to age. (The car is 24 years old, after all!) I am not entirely sure she buys it 100%, but she always needs a 'wonderful stranger' to tell her what I have been telling her for years... And I used to run an auto body shop... But what do I know? And my mother absolutely ascribes to sexist gender tropes, so since a MAN told her, then obviously that carries some weight. It is exhausting. But, she is now saying that someone (the hated neighbor) broke into her garage again and loosened the plate on her garage door opener, but she feels he was interrupted since the repair person she called said it was okay. Allegedly the repair person told her to get the steel gates that proprietors use to protect storefronts that lock from the outside for the walkthrough door. Um. Yeah.
The weekend before last, while my mother's neighbor was on vacation, my mother called her stating the garage had been broken into ranting. She did not call me, and waited until today to mention this. I call bullsh*t. She has twice had this neighbor and her fiance come to the fence with flashlights after 10pm to shine a flashlight so she can change the bulbs that she claims the hated neighbor in the turn is destroying. She has also asked this neighbor to shoot her gun into the air or into the ground. Same deal, different day with this craziness.
My hoarding mother mentioned she has not been to her chiropractor in months, and that chiropractor is a classmate of mine from high school (and a major flying monkey of my mother's), and knows I was in town for the high school reunion. I did try to contact her as I was headed to my hometown, but she chose not to answer (and I know she knows the reunion was that weekend, as the chiro told her months ago). I guarantee this woman will say something along the line of 'so, how was your visit with Lisabeth when she was in town in July?' and a whole level of manufactured drama is about to be released. I am not going to take a lot of her crap. I called, I called again, and she did not call back until I was almost home. DONE. Consequences of her own actions. Then I may have a conversation with my 'classmate'. I am so done with her too.
On the good news side, I ran my first race post surgery this weekend. I was 6 minutes slower than my usual, but did not have to walk at all. It was a mixed course with pavement, field, and trail, one of the hardest for me. I am glad I am on the way to getting my momentum back, and I have lots of additional testing at the teaching hospital at the end of the month, but I booked my flight for Florida for Thanksgiving, so I have that to look forward to. I also will be celebrating the one year 'gotcha' anniversary of one of my sweet kitties tomorrow, and they make me so happy. I am working too much, and I am hoping my schedule will normalize a bit in the next couple of weeks.
Life goes on. Onward and upward! Thank you for reading, and have a great week.
Sunday, November 30, 2014
This and that... Thanksgiving 2014
Hard to believe the holiday season is upon us again! I understand the biochemical changes that occur as we age that changes our perception of time, but when you experience it first hand... WOW:-)
This Thanksgiving I did something different. I did not make plans with other folks, I decided to have a quiet holiday home with my cats, one who is quite elderly and is becoming more and more frail as that days go on. (I am not much of a fan of the Thanksgiving Day fairy story promulgated by schools to hide genocide and other atrocities... But I honor the desire of folks to come together to show thanks... Ahem). These past few weeks have been full of interaction, socialization, and crazy work schedules, and I wanted just a few days of solitude, not in a self pitying or self isolating way, but just time to enjoy my own company and that of my furry family.
I took off the day before Thanksgiving, and the day after, so I had a 5 day weekend. Really, I should have worked, but I was determined to not let the 'shoulds' intrude. And for the most part, I have not. I had a few invitations to share Thanksgiving with friends, but I politely declined, for the most part without a lot of explanation... and none was required.
And how has it been? It has been FANTASTIC! I have gone shopping with a friend once, and treated myself to a handbag that has been on my wishlist for the past 2-3 years. Other than that, my only interaction has been the Turkey Trot I ran Thanksgiving morning, and I set my own personal record. 10 minute and one 9 minute miles. It was cold, but it was absolutely perfect. I had purchased wonderful organic, fresh food and my favorite wine, and a friend gave me a pie from my favorite bakery. I was lazy around my apartment, and ran when I felt like it, often midday instead of early morning. These past few days have been ones of quiet indulgence, and I will get back on track on Monday. I purchased cold weather run gear online, and am planning my marathon training. (And hoping I have not herniated around my mesh screen... more on that later, if it is indeed an issue...)
I am not planning on repeating this planned solitude at this Christmas/New Year holiday. I will visit my family of choice, and then something new... For Christmas or perhaps New Year's eve, a friend and I are planning a quick trip to a beach, just to see the sand and surf, and although it will be cold, I look forward to running on the beach and on the boardwalk. Just an overnight trip. I already have a schedule filling up with social/holiday mixers, parties and engagements, and I am glad I took this time for myself, for the cats. I strongly fear that my almost 18 year kitty may not be here at Christmas time.
How does this relate to hoarding? I called my hoarding mother as I was leaving the grounds of the state complex that hosted the Turkey Trot. Oh my. Oh MY.
The comparison could not be more definitive. She was MISERABLE. She has 2 folks/separate families bring her plates each year, and she compares them to what she could have/would have/has done in the past. (I do not object to her fantasy of her cooking ability... but having eaten her food for too many years... um... NO- she once again revises history...) She has resentfully watched the neighbors, and found most sadly lacking. She has disgusting names for each that she openly despises, things like "the village idiot" and "trailer trash" and other names that serve her to depersonalize and dehumanize these folks, which is a common mechanism that those with power and control issues utilize. She also speculates endlessly on the couple of neighbors she does not out-and-out hate, but they always come up lacking, wasteful, or some other judgement. She could have made her day special. She just had to buy a new TV, she could have done something to enjoy it- movies, got her favorite food in, something. She did none of that. She called her cable provider and railed about how she does not want the 'On-Demand' part at all, despite having the fact that many of the movies are free. She railed about paying over $100 a month for cable and 'NOTHING IS ON". She carped about the magazines she receives (over 20 subscriptions!) and how they are 'nothing but ads' and how she does not care about fashion, because, seriously... all older folks who do not work do not care about that stuff... Really? <<Headdesk>> Or in this case, thumping my head against the steering wheel. She ranted about her TMJ appliance. She complained about not eating out because people will stare at her... Of course, everyone is looking at her. She just was on a negative roll. She criticises those with pride in their appearance, and pride in their home's appearance, outside and inside.
I asked her... "What nice thing can you do for yourself today? What would you enjoy?" That started another rant of how the holidays were miserable for her as a child, etc. I hate to tell her, mine were no picnic... But it is not the oppression olympics, and no one wins that type of discussion. She just can't do it. She cannot do anything to enjoy herself. It is heartbreaking. She finally asked what I was doing, and I told her. She started her crap on my running, running in the cold, etc. I changed the subject. She then asked, "What are you doing today? I thought you would be somewhere with a bunch of people like you usually are..." I reminded her that I had planned this this way, and what my plans were. She responded with "Oh- did everyone else have something to do, or have gotten tired of you?"
ARGH. She misses the point. In her mind, I am doing the holiday alone because I could not attach myself to another group/family. The saddest thing? I may have misread her comment- she might have meant to be humorous- which I doubt, but she seemed to derive a bit of pleasure from that assumption. How sad, she wants me to be as, if not more, miserable that she is.
I ended the call because I just could not let her attempt to pull me into a negative space. I had talked to her neighbor two days before, and she again talked about how increasingly negative, and nutty, my hoarding mother was becoming. Today is my final day before I return to work and a nonstop schedule for the next few weeks. The blogging of this is the only headspace I will allow her to have, and I have not talked to her since Thursday. I am sure she will be surly and pouting when I do call her next week.
<Sigh> I cannot wait. Hoarding... No one wins. NO ONE. Hope everyone had a lovely week. Thank you for reading.
This Thanksgiving I did something different. I did not make plans with other folks, I decided to have a quiet holiday home with my cats, one who is quite elderly and is becoming more and more frail as that days go on. (I am not much of a fan of the Thanksgiving Day fairy story promulgated by schools to hide genocide and other atrocities... But I honor the desire of folks to come together to show thanks... Ahem). These past few weeks have been full of interaction, socialization, and crazy work schedules, and I wanted just a few days of solitude, not in a self pitying or self isolating way, but just time to enjoy my own company and that of my furry family.
I took off the day before Thanksgiving, and the day after, so I had a 5 day weekend. Really, I should have worked, but I was determined to not let the 'shoulds' intrude. And for the most part, I have not. I had a few invitations to share Thanksgiving with friends, but I politely declined, for the most part without a lot of explanation... and none was required.
And how has it been? It has been FANTASTIC! I have gone shopping with a friend once, and treated myself to a handbag that has been on my wishlist for the past 2-3 years. Other than that, my only interaction has been the Turkey Trot I ran Thanksgiving morning, and I set my own personal record. 10 minute and one 9 minute miles. It was cold, but it was absolutely perfect. I had purchased wonderful organic, fresh food and my favorite wine, and a friend gave me a pie from my favorite bakery. I was lazy around my apartment, and ran when I felt like it, often midday instead of early morning. These past few days have been ones of quiet indulgence, and I will get back on track on Monday. I purchased cold weather run gear online, and am planning my marathon training. (And hoping I have not herniated around my mesh screen... more on that later, if it is indeed an issue...)
I am not planning on repeating this planned solitude at this Christmas/New Year holiday. I will visit my family of choice, and then something new... For Christmas or perhaps New Year's eve, a friend and I are planning a quick trip to a beach, just to see the sand and surf, and although it will be cold, I look forward to running on the beach and on the boardwalk. Just an overnight trip. I already have a schedule filling up with social/holiday mixers, parties and engagements, and I am glad I took this time for myself, for the cats. I strongly fear that my almost 18 year kitty may not be here at Christmas time.
How does this relate to hoarding? I called my hoarding mother as I was leaving the grounds of the state complex that hosted the Turkey Trot. Oh my. Oh MY.
The comparison could not be more definitive. She was MISERABLE. She has 2 folks/separate families bring her plates each year, and she compares them to what she could have/would have/has done in the past. (I do not object to her fantasy of her cooking ability... but having eaten her food for too many years... um... NO- she once again revises history...) She has resentfully watched the neighbors, and found most sadly lacking. She has disgusting names for each that she openly despises, things like "the village idiot" and "trailer trash" and other names that serve her to depersonalize and dehumanize these folks, which is a common mechanism that those with power and control issues utilize. She also speculates endlessly on the couple of neighbors she does not out-and-out hate, but they always come up lacking, wasteful, or some other judgement. She could have made her day special. She just had to buy a new TV, she could have done something to enjoy it- movies, got her favorite food in, something. She did none of that. She called her cable provider and railed about how she does not want the 'On-Demand' part at all, despite having the fact that many of the movies are free. She railed about paying over $100 a month for cable and 'NOTHING IS ON". She carped about the magazines she receives (over 20 subscriptions!) and how they are 'nothing but ads' and how she does not care about fashion, because, seriously... all older folks who do not work do not care about that stuff... Really? <<Headdesk>> Or in this case, thumping my head against the steering wheel. She ranted about her TMJ appliance. She complained about not eating out because people will stare at her... Of course, everyone is looking at her. She just was on a negative roll. She criticises those with pride in their appearance, and pride in their home's appearance, outside and inside.
I asked her... "What nice thing can you do for yourself today? What would you enjoy?" That started another rant of how the holidays were miserable for her as a child, etc. I hate to tell her, mine were no picnic... But it is not the oppression olympics, and no one wins that type of discussion. She just can't do it. She cannot do anything to enjoy herself. It is heartbreaking. She finally asked what I was doing, and I told her. She started her crap on my running, running in the cold, etc. I changed the subject. She then asked, "What are you doing today? I thought you would be somewhere with a bunch of people like you usually are..." I reminded her that I had planned this this way, and what my plans were. She responded with "Oh- did everyone else have something to do, or have gotten tired of you?"
ARGH. She misses the point. In her mind, I am doing the holiday alone because I could not attach myself to another group/family. The saddest thing? I may have misread her comment- she might have meant to be humorous- which I doubt, but she seemed to derive a bit of pleasure from that assumption. How sad, she wants me to be as, if not more, miserable that she is.
I ended the call because I just could not let her attempt to pull me into a negative space. I had talked to her neighbor two days before, and she again talked about how increasingly negative, and nutty, my hoarding mother was becoming. Today is my final day before I return to work and a nonstop schedule for the next few weeks. The blogging of this is the only headspace I will allow her to have, and I have not talked to her since Thursday. I am sure she will be surly and pouting when I do call her next week.
<Sigh> I cannot wait. Hoarding... No one wins. NO ONE. Hope everyone had a lovely week. Thank you for reading.
Monday, October 27, 2014
What did I expect?
Hard to believe that it has been a month since my last post! In that month, not much as changed, other than I have been focusing on work (and working too damn much), doing some consulting, trying to have a social life after what is often 60-75 hour (or more) workweeks, and a bit of running... oh... and sleeping. A little bit of that too.
My hoarding mother is still in her self created world of limited experiences, drama, and petty annoyances overblown to huge crises. Nothing new there.
What is new is October heralded two major life events for me. One is the eight year anniversary at a job that I love (most days) and the other is the completion of a major personal goal, one that has eluded me for 2 years. I ran a 1/2 marathon this weekend. And I rocked it, if I say so myself. Over 32 hours later and I am still in my happy spot, and I am proud of myself... something I cannot say I have ever experienced before.
Now some folks may be saying to themselves, "So you ran 13.1 miles. So what?" And I can understand if you are. This is a personal, personal goal. Me against myself, I was not racing the other runners, I was racing ME. In the past 4-5 years I have slowly lost over 100 pounds and resumed running, an activity I abandoned when I was in my early 20's. Recently, (2013 and 2014) I have missed 3 half marathons that I have trained for due to a badly scarred Achilles tendon injury, a life threatening and nearly 11 pound tumor 3 months later, and 11 months after that, rupturing my mid line incision.
Just 11 weeks after a second abdominal surgery, I ran my first 1/2. I had hoped to run one in September, but it was too soon, as the one 3 weeks earlier was as well. I had been thinking about this race and was concerned I was not ready. As is my way, I am either full go or full stop, and in September when I was cleared to run on hills and outside, I hit the road with a vengeance, logging in 112 miles in a month (and not even a full month, more like just over 2 1/2 weeks). Predictably to everyone but me, I over trained... And I hit the wall in early October. My Achilles tendon injury flared again, and I feared that I would have to try a race in November as it looked unlikely I was going to meet my goal. I did a lot of figurative self-flagellation, and was really frustrated.
At the last minute, I registered anyway and decided to give it all that I had. It would be for the experience if not for the likelihood of success. And by registering that late, there was little chance of backing out without losing my registration fee. Then reality set in. I had been adding lifting and weight work back into my routine, eating a bit differently, and mixing in other cardio with my runs, but doing frequent but short runs. WHAT WAS I DOING? There was a 3 hour sweep, but in my researching races I mistakenly thought this race had a 2:45 sweep. I am not a fast runner. My personal record recently is under an 11 mile minute, but my usual is in the mid 12 range. There was NO WAY I believed I would finish this race before they packed it up.
Now, several friends had said they wanted to support me in this, cheer me on and cheer me at the finish. I was honestly touched, appreciative, and also determined that I was not going to have my imminent failure be witnessed by those I hold in such high regard. I also felt this race, this particular race... Well, it was personal. This was me against me. This was me against the medical crises of the past year. This was me against my own body... or me WITH my own body.
Long story short, I did it. I beat 2:45 by 50 seconds. I did it! I realized the night before that all the negative self talk was going to ensure that I did not succeed, and I was engaging in 'all or nothing' thinking, and hoarder think. Going to the worst and most hopeless scenario. The day before I focused on eating and resting, and changing the commentary feedback loop in my head. The day of, driving to the race, I focused on thoughts of consistency, being strong, and failure was not an option. I set the goal of between 2:30 and 2:45 to finish. I was READY. I was going to do this. And do it I did. Was it easy? NO. Was it challenging? Yes. And I reveled in every mile, and although I would not be able to run a marathon, I felt I could have continued another 5-7 miles. I had been fighting the injury and the extreme pelvic pain from my surgeries for the final 5 miles, but I was doing okay, and I powered past the pack I was running in the last few hundred yards. I was so happy and overjoyed. I DID IT!!!!!
For me, it was NOT an empty success because I was alone, but that much more striking because of it. I raced me, and I won. And I was there to celebrate it at the finish line and to cheer others as they finished. I ran slowly, steadily, and I did it.
Now, this is where hoarding comes in. I was so happy with my pictures, my medal, my prize, and most of all, the knowledge that I actually did this, that I called my hoarding mother to tell her the next day, which is today. (I let my friends know via Facebook, and the celebrations are continuing throughout the week... some folks were a bit disappointed I did this on my own, but they understood it. And I love them for that!)
Ugh. Why do I do this to myself!?!? She has no concept of how big a damn deal this was to me. NONE. She immediately started with how my father had heart disease an I should be careful... Basically intimating that I was going to die. I was gobsmacked. I figured she would find some way to turn the conversation about her, or minimize my achievement, or focus on how crazy she thinks it is, or how dangerous (a woman running alone on the highways... GASP!) but this? Really? And she knows how freaking important this is to me. She cannot even step out of her own stuff for a moment to be proud that I succeeded in completing something that did not come easily.
To my credit, I did not let her steal my pride in overcoming so much, and in achieving one of my goals. Just five years ago if you would have told me I would be running a half marathon and getting a finisher's medal I would have laughed myself silly. I got off the phone quickly, and my response was one of incredulity.
I got home and got out of my little car, and as I grabbed my handbag out of the back seat, I noticed the 13.1 sticker I put on my car the day before. Not to brag, but to remind myself of my ability to overcome, and to never flood myself with self-doubt again. That 13.1 sticker represents so much. I did it. I DID IT. Before writing this blog, I was looking at full races for the spring. I hope to do 26.2 before the end of next summer. And I will do it. My time frame may be different, and it may take many tries before I achieve it, but I will do it. The silver lining I took from growing up in the dysfunction and abuse of a hoarding household is dogged persistence and resilience. It has served me well thus far... And the next race, whether it be a 5K, a 10K, a 13.1 or a 26.2... I will let whomever wishes to come support me and cheer me on do so. It does not matter if I finish before the race is over, all that matters is that I try, and keep trying. Not only with running, with letting others be there for me. That is a lesson that I have to keep learning, but I will get it.
And my mother? Her response is just another example of her illness, and her dogged refusal to see anything other than her own limited view of the world.
Hoarding... no one wins. But, maybe I can make the best of the challenges I have faced. I honestly do have little other choice, as I believe life is meant to be lived at full volume.
Thank you for reading!
My hoarding mother is still in her self created world of limited experiences, drama, and petty annoyances overblown to huge crises. Nothing new there.
What is new is October heralded two major life events for me. One is the eight year anniversary at a job that I love (most days) and the other is the completion of a major personal goal, one that has eluded me for 2 years. I ran a 1/2 marathon this weekend. And I rocked it, if I say so myself. Over 32 hours later and I am still in my happy spot, and I am proud of myself... something I cannot say I have ever experienced before.
Now some folks may be saying to themselves, "So you ran 13.1 miles. So what?" And I can understand if you are. This is a personal, personal goal. Me against myself, I was not racing the other runners, I was racing ME. In the past 4-5 years I have slowly lost over 100 pounds and resumed running, an activity I abandoned when I was in my early 20's. Recently, (2013 and 2014) I have missed 3 half marathons that I have trained for due to a badly scarred Achilles tendon injury, a life threatening and nearly 11 pound tumor 3 months later, and 11 months after that, rupturing my mid line incision.
Just 11 weeks after a second abdominal surgery, I ran my first 1/2. I had hoped to run one in September, but it was too soon, as the one 3 weeks earlier was as well. I had been thinking about this race and was concerned I was not ready. As is my way, I am either full go or full stop, and in September when I was cleared to run on hills and outside, I hit the road with a vengeance, logging in 112 miles in a month (and not even a full month, more like just over 2 1/2 weeks). Predictably to everyone but me, I over trained... And I hit the wall in early October. My Achilles tendon injury flared again, and I feared that I would have to try a race in November as it looked unlikely I was going to meet my goal. I did a lot of figurative self-flagellation, and was really frustrated.
At the last minute, I registered anyway and decided to give it all that I had. It would be for the experience if not for the likelihood of success. And by registering that late, there was little chance of backing out without losing my registration fee. Then reality set in. I had been adding lifting and weight work back into my routine, eating a bit differently, and mixing in other cardio with my runs, but doing frequent but short runs. WHAT WAS I DOING? There was a 3 hour sweep, but in my researching races I mistakenly thought this race had a 2:45 sweep. I am not a fast runner. My personal record recently is under an 11 mile minute, but my usual is in the mid 12 range. There was NO WAY I believed I would finish this race before they packed it up.
Now, several friends had said they wanted to support me in this, cheer me on and cheer me at the finish. I was honestly touched, appreciative, and also determined that I was not going to have my imminent failure be witnessed by those I hold in such high regard. I also felt this race, this particular race... Well, it was personal. This was me against me. This was me against the medical crises of the past year. This was me against my own body... or me WITH my own body.
Long story short, I did it. I beat 2:45 by 50 seconds. I did it! I realized the night before that all the negative self talk was going to ensure that I did not succeed, and I was engaging in 'all or nothing' thinking, and hoarder think. Going to the worst and most hopeless scenario. The day before I focused on eating and resting, and changing the commentary feedback loop in my head. The day of, driving to the race, I focused on thoughts of consistency, being strong, and failure was not an option. I set the goal of between 2:30 and 2:45 to finish. I was READY. I was going to do this. And do it I did. Was it easy? NO. Was it challenging? Yes. And I reveled in every mile, and although I would not be able to run a marathon, I felt I could have continued another 5-7 miles. I had been fighting the injury and the extreme pelvic pain from my surgeries for the final 5 miles, but I was doing okay, and I powered past the pack I was running in the last few hundred yards. I was so happy and overjoyed. I DID IT!!!!!
For me, it was NOT an empty success because I was alone, but that much more striking because of it. I raced me, and I won. And I was there to celebrate it at the finish line and to cheer others as they finished. I ran slowly, steadily, and I did it.
Now, this is where hoarding comes in. I was so happy with my pictures, my medal, my prize, and most of all, the knowledge that I actually did this, that I called my hoarding mother to tell her the next day, which is today. (I let my friends know via Facebook, and the celebrations are continuing throughout the week... some folks were a bit disappointed I did this on my own, but they understood it. And I love them for that!)
Ugh. Why do I do this to myself!?!? She has no concept of how big a damn deal this was to me. NONE. She immediately started with how my father had heart disease an I should be careful... Basically intimating that I was going to die. I was gobsmacked. I figured she would find some way to turn the conversation about her, or minimize my achievement, or focus on how crazy she thinks it is, or how dangerous (a woman running alone on the highways... GASP!) but this? Really? And she knows how freaking important this is to me. She cannot even step out of her own stuff for a moment to be proud that I succeeded in completing something that did not come easily.
To my credit, I did not let her steal my pride in overcoming so much, and in achieving one of my goals. Just five years ago if you would have told me I would be running a half marathon and getting a finisher's medal I would have laughed myself silly. I got off the phone quickly, and my response was one of incredulity.
I got home and got out of my little car, and as I grabbed my handbag out of the back seat, I noticed the 13.1 sticker I put on my car the day before. Not to brag, but to remind myself of my ability to overcome, and to never flood myself with self-doubt again. That 13.1 sticker represents so much. I did it. I DID IT. Before writing this blog, I was looking at full races for the spring. I hope to do 26.2 before the end of next summer. And I will do it. My time frame may be different, and it may take many tries before I achieve it, but I will do it. The silver lining I took from growing up in the dysfunction and abuse of a hoarding household is dogged persistence and resilience. It has served me well thus far... And the next race, whether it be a 5K, a 10K, a 13.1 or a 26.2... I will let whomever wishes to come support me and cheer me on do so. It does not matter if I finish before the race is over, all that matters is that I try, and keep trying. Not only with running, with letting others be there for me. That is a lesson that I have to keep learning, but I will get it.
And my mother? Her response is just another example of her illness, and her dogged refusal to see anything other than her own limited view of the world.
Hoarding... no one wins. But, maybe I can make the best of the challenges I have faced. I honestly do have little other choice, as I believe life is meant to be lived at full volume.
Thank you for reading!
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