An update, and a challenge

So, I have a little back story to update you on...

It was quite a shock, and I will confess I was in a fair amount of denial...  The timeline was as follows:

-moved South 7/20/2019

-had a what I now know to be a severe seizure masquerading as a stroke while out for run on 7/27

-I had enough presence of mind to sit down on the ground and call out to a guy backing his truck in I was having a stroke 

-EMTs were there in under three minutes and transported me to the hospital which I spent 3 days and posted an amazing turn around and was released with no restriction 

-I went to work on my first day - 7/31

-Despite being told I was to follow up with a Cardiologist and a Neurologist, my Neurologist had to return to Thailand to take care of final matters regarding the death of his father 

-10/2I received my follow up appointment and realized something may be off, MRI scheduled and completed 

- 10/23 my PCP, Neurologist and others were looking for me... And terrifyingly I had started to deteriorate and had seizures...

-10/25 I went in and learned what they feared; referred to surgeon 11/14 with surgery scheduled for first thing 11/22

- I had only a 20% chance of survival

-I spent 4 days in ICU then was directly transferred to Rehab where I spent 8 days-graduated 2 days early ...  My tumor turned out to be malignant 

-My board has been most unsupportive and despite my return to work after they flatly denied my request for accommodation.  

I was terminated on this week and all I was told that the Board has lost confidence in me and I was perp-walked out by one my former staff and Uber’d home, and now my attorney and I have entered into negotiations re: paying what is clearly in my employment contract... There is likely a gag order/non 

disclosure agreement...

So now I get to once again decide what I want to be when I grow up, but I want to complete my Certified Fundraising Certified Exam that I have neglected to study for, I now have nothing standing the of regaining my health unobstructed by an employment situation that turned to be untenable.

And my Hoarding mother?  She tried to be supportive, before her basic narcissism kicked in and resumed in talking about herself... I reminded yesterday evening that although I was deemed terminally ill, I did not have an expiration date I planned to fight like hell and live powerfully.

The question is what I am going learn from this, rather than a pity party and questioning why...

Under 30 days and counting...

So the clock is ticking down and my vacation is approaching.  And I am barely hanging in there. Lots of work crises, and other things happening.  I had a sick kitty, (my youngest- but I think she is okay now, I am just $900 poorer, but she is worth every cent).  

In the midst of all this, my relatively new-to-me luxury car that I have had 2 years and one week decided to take a major poo.  It was still under warranty, but I was not having a good relationship with the dealer, and long story short, this was going to be an uphill battle and a lot of wrangling with the dealer.  I decided to cut my losses, and traded the car on a much newer luxury sedan.  Last time I had downsized a bit, and had sacrificed a few amenities I had in my previous car.  In this car, I get all I gained with my Lexus, and all I had lost from the TL.  I also gained 300HP and a turbo, along with AWD.  The deal was done, and I traded.

Oh dear Maude, Murtle, and Harry the Turtle.  My hoarding mother figured out I had gotten a different car by a couple of things.  

1. My calls via Bluetooth were much quieter and with less background noise.
2. My turn signal sounded my different.

This, from the woman who is completely deaf in one ear, and over 60% hearing impaired in the other.  Turns out she had just replaced her hearing aid.  (She blames the cat for losing her previous one in the hoard).

Now she is fixated on wanting to know how much the car is.  None of her freaking business, that is how much.  I can afford it, and that is all she needs to know.  She has made a few comments about my impending Caribbean cruise, and my 'spending'.  Never mind I am working 70-75 hours a week many weeks at my job, and I have a consulting gig as well, basically a second job.  Never mind I have not had a true vacation since April of 2006.  Never mind that I am simply exhausted and need a week to be unplugged from work and from everything.

I just end the call when she starts passively aggressively digging for details, asks for information that is none of her business, and I continue to have her on the low contact plan.  I am a grown-ass woman that is closer to 50 than to 40, and I will take myself on vacation or buy myself a car I need for work as I deem appropriate.  And again, it hits me.

She sees this as opportunity lost, and is operating from worst case scenario.  Nothing is ever safe, enjoyable, worth the investment.  It also resonated when a friend speculated that she looked at my successes and happiness as a direct affront to her, a separation from the script she wants me to live by.

So sorry, I am not here for her to live life vicariously through me and re-script her life.  Tonight she complained when I mentioned that I was starting golf lessons in the spring and field hockey lessons in the summer that she did not know why I "had to try everything..."  I simply responded that I have but one life, and I choose to fill it with friends, fun and experiences.  That life is too short to live on the 'safe side of the street.'  I ended the call, and I felt a huge wave of empathy and sadness for her.  

What a small, frightening and bitter existence she leads.  I choose to NOT engage that life.  

Hoarding.  No one wins.  

What did I expect?

Hard to believe that it has been a month since my last post!  In that month, not much as changed, other than I have been focusing on work (and working too damn much), doing some consulting, trying to have a social life after what is often 60-75 hour (or more) workweeks, and a bit of running... oh... and sleeping.  A little bit of that too.

My hoarding mother is still in her self created world of limited experiences, drama, and petty annoyances overblown to huge crises.  Nothing new there.  

What is new is October heralded two major life events for me.  One is the eight year anniversary at a job that I love (most days) and the other is the completion of a major personal goal, one that has eluded me for 2 years.  I ran a 1/2 marathon this weekend.  And I rocked it, if I say so myself.  Over 32 hours later and I am still in my happy spot, and I am proud of myself... something I cannot say I have ever experienced before.  

Now some folks may be saying to themselves, "So you ran 13.1 miles.  So what?"  And I can understand if you are.  This is a personal, personal goal.  Me against myself, I was not racing the other runners, I was racing ME.  In the past 4-5 years I have slowly lost over 100 pounds and resumed running, an activity I abandoned when I was in my early 20's.  Recently, (2013 and 2014) I have missed 3 half marathons that I have trained for due to a badly scarred Achilles tendon injury, a life threatening and nearly 11 pound tumor 3 months later, and 11 months after that, rupturing my mid line incision.  

Just 11 weeks after a second abdominal surgery, I ran my first 1/2.  I had hoped to run one in September, but it was too soon, as the one 3 weeks earlier was as well.  I had been thinking about this race and was concerned I was not ready.  As is my way, I am either full go or full stop, and in September when I was cleared to run on hills and outside, I hit the road with a vengeance,  logging in 112 miles in a month (and not even a full month, more like just over 2 1/2 weeks).  Predictably to everyone but me, I over trained... And I hit the wall in early October.  My Achilles tendon injury flared again, and I feared that I would have to try a race in November as it looked unlikely I was going to meet my goal.  I did a lot of figurative self-flagellation, and was really frustrated.  

At the last minute, I registered anyway and decided to give it all that I had.  It would be for the experience if not for the likelihood of success. And by registering that late, there was little chance of backing out without losing my registration fee.  Then reality set in.  I had been adding lifting and weight work back into my routine, eating a bit differently, and mixing in other cardio with my runs, but doing frequent but short runs.  WHAT WAS I DOING?  There was a 3 hour sweep, but in my researching races I mistakenly thought this race had a 2:45 sweep.  I am not a fast runner.  My personal record recently is under an 11 mile minute, but my usual is in the mid 12 range.  There was NO WAY I believed I would finish this race before they packed it up.  

Now, several friends had said they wanted to support me in this, cheer me on and cheer me at the finish.  I was honestly touched, appreciative, and also determined that I was not going to have my imminent failure be witnessed by those I hold in such high regard.  I also felt this race, this particular race... Well, it was personal.  This was me against me.  This was me against the medical crises of the past year.  This was me against my own body... or me WITH my own body.  

Long story short, I did it.  I beat 2:45 by 50 seconds. I did it!  I realized the night before that all the negative self talk was going to ensure that I did not succeed, and I was engaging in 'all or nothing' thinking, and hoarder think.  Going to the worst and most hopeless scenario.  The day before I focused on eating and resting, and changing the commentary feedback loop in my head.  The day of, driving to the race, I focused on thoughts of consistency, being strong, and failure was not an option.  I set the goal of between 2:30 and 2:45 to finish.  I was READY.  I was going to do this.  And do it I did.  Was it easy?  NO.  Was it challenging?  Yes.  And I reveled in every mile, and although I would not be able to run a marathon, I felt I could have continued another 5-7 miles.  I had been fighting the injury and the extreme pelvic pain from my surgeries for the final 5 miles, but I was doing okay, and I powered past the pack I was running in the last few hundred yards.  I was so happy and overjoyed.  I DID IT!!!!!  

For me, it was NOT an empty success because I was alone, but that much more striking because of it.  I raced me, and I won.  And I was there to celebrate it at the finish line and to cheer others as they finished. I ran slowly, steadily, and I did it.

Now, this is where hoarding comes in.  I was so happy with my pictures, my medal, my prize, and most of all, the knowledge that I actually did this, that I called my hoarding mother to tell her the next day, which is today.  (I let my friends know via Facebook, and the celebrations are continuing throughout the week... some folks were a bit disappointed I did this on my own, but they understood it.  And I love them for that!)

Ugh.  Why do I do this to myself!?!?  She has no concept of how big a damn deal this was to me.  NONE.  She immediately started with how my father had heart disease an I should be careful... Basically intimating that I was going to die.  I was gobsmacked.  I figured she would find some way to turn the conversation about her, or minimize my achievement, or focus on how crazy she thinks it is, or how dangerous (a woman running alone on the highways... GASP!) but this?  Really?  And she knows how freaking important this is to me.  She cannot even step out of her own stuff for a moment to be proud that I succeeded in completing something that did not come easily.

To my credit, I did not let her steal my pride in overcoming so much, and in achieving one of my goals.  Just five years ago if you would have told me I would be running a half marathon and getting a finisher's medal I would have laughed myself silly. I got off the phone quickly, and my response was one of incredulity.  

I got home and got out of my little car, and as I grabbed my handbag out of the back seat, I noticed the 13.1 sticker I put on my car the day before.  Not to brag, but to remind myself of my ability to overcome, and to never flood myself with self-doubt again.  That 13.1 sticker represents so much.  I did it.  I DID IT.  Before writing this blog, I was looking at full races for the spring.  I hope to do 26.2 before the end of next summer.  And I will do it.  My time frame may be different, and it may take many tries before I achieve it, but I will do it.  The silver lining I took from growing up in the dysfunction and abuse of a hoarding household is dogged persistence and resilience.  It has served me well thus far... And the next race, whether it be a 5K, a 10K, a 13.1 or a 26.2... I will let whomever wishes to come support me and cheer me on do so.  It does not matter if I finish before the race is over, all that matters is that I try, and keep trying.  Not only with running, with letting others be there for me.  That is a lesson that I have to keep learning, but I will get it. 

And my mother?  Her response is just another example of her illness, and her dogged refusal to see anything other than her own limited view of the world.  

Hoarding... no one wins.  But, maybe I can make the best of the challenges I have faced.  I honestly do have little other choice, as I believe life is meant to be lived at full volume.

Thank you for reading!