Monday, February 18, 2013

This might have been the breaking point... mine, hers, or the relationship...

I lost it.  Last night, I simply lost it on her.  And today, I cannot even say I am sorry.  Normally I am quick to apologize, not because I did something wrong, but I value the other person that much.  

Yesterday I almost did not call her, but since she has been on better behavior (okay... not really but I have not been as annoyed apparently) and her appointment with the orthopedic surgeon looms this week... I did.  And immediately regretted it.

"...[Answering in a near scream of rage and panic]... Hello?  HELLO!"

Hey- its me...

"Something TERRIBLE just happened here!  I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO DO!"


"I can't find it.  I DROPPED IT!"  


"I bought something today, and I must have lost my debit card. THIS IS TERRRRRRIBLE!  I HAVE LOOKED EVERYWHERE!!!!"

{Thinking to myself... since when does she have a debit card?  She has steadfastly refused to get one, using her credit card much in the same way...} So have you called the place you last used the card?

"NO!  THEY DO NOT HAVE A LISTED NUMBER!  I called [the phone company] and asked for additional phone..."

I find it difficult to believe that a business does not have some sort of phone number...

"The bank is closed!  You know WHAT SOMEONE CAN DO WITH THAT CARD?!?! I will be ruined!"

Oh dear god...  Okay.  Call *Betty* [the neighbor to the back of her] and ask her to Google ...


Google Aldi and to Google ...

"Community Bank"

Google Community Bank and give you the phone numbers...

"Aldi does not have a listed number!!! And..."

Look.  They have some way to get a hold of them, and there will be a number on the bank website of who to call unless you have a copy of the back of your card or the letter that came with it handy...

"NO I DON'T!  I can't find it in this mess!  I never have made copies of my cards!"

Okay- you make 5 copies of a Family Circle Magazine Article but... Never-mind.  Are you sure it is not misplaced?  You have had the same thing happen with your credit card easily 5 or 6 times in the past year with all the drama, and you found it later...

"NO!  IT IS GOOONNNNNEEEE!  You know what someone can do with that?  I always put my purse in the back of the station wagon, in the cooler when I get to a store, and put my card in my shirt pocket so I don't have to mess with my purse and worry about it being stolen and I always [saving you, gentle reader, the mind numbing description of how she handles this and how she did not put her card in her purse upon returning to the car this time]."

Okay.  First of all, you are going to report it, so your liability is going to be limited.  [Attempted to explain the credit card limit of liability and the debit card limit and she cut me off, freaking out again.  Don't get me started on the 'safety' of pulling up somewhere, putting your purse in the hatch where you can be observed...]

"I do not know what I am going to do!!!!!!  [General freaking out ensues]."

Okay, this going from 0-60mph to absolute 'worst case scenario' has got to stop.  You are going to take care of this now.  I am driving, and my phone is so screwed up I cannot get online while using it, so call 'Betty' and ask her to do what I told you... Google Community Bank and Google Aldi...

"They do not have a number!  What am I asking for?"

Repeat the Google piece 4 or 5 times, she gets off the phone to call 'Betty'.  

I get to Panera to work (my technology issues continue, the only good news is my new iPhone is enroute as I type this), and I am there nearly 5 hours using their wifi.  (I ate 2 meals there, and spoke with the manager prior- he was so sweet and was okay with me staying so long... <3 him and that store!)  Anyway, I digress.  Waiting for my Chai, I quickly booted up my laptop, Googled Aldi and Community, and saw the numbers, etc.  FOR BOTH.  All in the time it took for them to get my drink.  Upon leaving I called to check in.  Keep in mind that I worked a bit less the past 2 weeks, only 135 hours + with only 9 hours of commuting, so I am doing better... but I was getting another migraine, no doubt from overwork and a nice dose of my hoarding mother.

So I did it.  I called back.  It is now after 8pm.  As soon as she picks up...

Hi, did you get it taken care of?

"[Evasively]Sort of, but not really..."

Why?  Did you call?

"Nooo... I told you, Aldi does not have a phone."

Seriously?  Why not?  I got to Panera, checked Google, and had both numbers in under a minute.  

"You don't understand!"

Then enlighten me!

"I called the police to see if they had an emergency number for the bank.  They said they did not, but I think they were lying..."

THAT is not an emergency Mother.  The bank being broken into is an emergency.  The bank burning down is an emergency.  THAT, THAT is NOT an EMERGENCY.  What the hell?

"...[continuing on with long drawn out droning story] so I looked on my [another bank credit card] and saw an 1-800 so I called them to ask if they had the number and it turned out that they handle that for Community and they did so I just got off the phone with them a bit ago..."

Why would you not call *Betty*?  In under a minute you could have had this resolved, or called me back and I could have called when I arrived at Panera.  This did not have to be an ordeal!

"You fail to understand something about *Betty*.  You don't understand."

Understand WHAT?

"She cannot keep a secret.  EVERYTHING is a TOPIC OF DISCUSSION."

OH. MY. GOD!  There is one thing to be private, but it is quite another to be so g*&da*^ secretive that you cannot get out of your own way to be part of the solution!  THIS IS NOT A BIG DEAL!  People lose their cards frequently, and it is not a a secret!  What is the worst that could happen?  She would call someone and they would run to Aldi, scour the lot, find the card... See what I mean?  <Deep breath>  You know what?  Change the subject.  I am done with this particular one.  I am not wasting my breath any further...

So as you can imagine, she was FURIOUS.  And was being passive aggressive.  And she is pouting.  And I am fed up with all the craziness, all the power and control, the secrecy, all of the things that she uses to ensure that she and I will NEVER have a normal relationship, and that she never will have any sort of reciprocal relationship with anyone.  Ever.  She has no concept of friendship, of the give and take, to her- asking for a favor means you owe something to someone in the worst way.  She keeps coming across things like, "When someone does something nice I want to know why... there is always a reason."  "When someone approaches me or changes how they interact there is always a reason- I want to know what the hell they want."

Let me give you a clue, Mother.  Many folks do not want ANYTHING from you.  And I do not want anything from you that you can or will give.  All I wanted as a child was to be loved, to have a family, to connect, to be a priority... not even your top one... just a priority.  That will never happen because you are making choices every single MINUTE to put the hoard and everything else above relationships... and me.

How sad.  Maybe you finally did it.  Maybe you broke this the rest of the way Mother.

Sorry for such a long and hateful blog.  I was thinking after 24 hours I would be better.  Sadly, I am not feeling better.  I am still just DONE.  

Have a good evening all.  


  1. I could have had this exact conversation, lengthy freakouts and all, with my own mother. The idea of not being a priority is so familiar. My mom's not a hoarder, but she does most of the same emotional hijinks as yours and she also systematically pushes people away with her ridiculous behavior.

    I wish I knew how we (and anyone else with a parent like this) could feel better.

  2. Thank you for sharing that with me,. I wish I knew how to fix it for us too. Hang in there.

  3. Update- She pouted for a day, 2 days or so. I am sure that I have not heard the last of this. And she will do something so ridiculous, so vile in retribution. It is coming...

    But I strongly advise her NOT to do it. Because I am very, very close.