Well... THIS is not going to end well.

I am making a prediction, and I do not need any gift of prognostication or psychic ability.  I predict things are NOT going to end well.  As you know, this is not the first time I have made this prediction.

This weekend my hoarding mother's backyard neighbor was passing through my area with her significant other, and they stopped to have dinner with me.  This has been a lovely couple of weeks, as I had a high school friend stop by a couple of weeks ago with her family and now this friend.  Although I no longer consider where I grew up as 'home', it is nice to connect with those who have known you for years, if not most of your life.  I have been totally removed from that since I moved to the state in which I reside 16 1/2 years ago.

I heard more stories about my hoarding mother and her behavior.  I will spare you most of them, although my high school friend asked if my mother was dating anyone, and stated she has been in the local Walmart (in which my friend works) and she seemed sure that my mother seemed awfully 'cozy' with a particular gentleman.  Okay... may the odds be ever in his favor if that is the case!  But the fodder for this entry is apparently my hoarding mother is calling the police on the neighbors as a form of harassment and giving false addresses (like her neighbor that visited me) so she must have a 'burner phone'.  She also is shooting her gun in the air when she perceives there to be 'prowlers'.  In a suburban area.  She has tried to get the neighbor to shoot her gun in a similar manner, which she has refused.  

Bullets that go up, must come down.  I encouraged the neighbor to call the police when she hears gunfire, and I am at a loss at what to do.  She is a menace.  

Monday I called her to check in after 3 or 4 blissful days on no contact, and she ramped up on a discussion and stated that she thought they should bring back hanging people on the town square or burning them at the stake 'like they used to" and I got off the phone quickly after disagreeing and attempting to shut that nastiness down.  She constantly states things like "I could just watch someone beat [that person] to death and do nothing" or "I would like to see someone chop that lying ... pick your vile adjectives to depersonalize someone... [body part or body parts- usually tongue, hands, genitals, etc.] off" and I quickly shut it down.  

She has a concealed carry.  Someone gave this person a concealed carry permit for a firearm.  Any interaction she has lately is fraught with conflict and petty misunderstandings that explode into a full fledged confrontation.

And the hail damage that happened last March?  She still does not have the roof fixed on her house or on the garage.  And there has been lots of rain.  Bet that is lovely in a stage 5 hoarded home.

She continues to escalate, and deteriorate.  And she has not fallen far enough to get anything done despite herself.

Hoarding.  No one wins.  No one.

Another cat leaves the hoard. RIP Ralphie...

Yesterday was a fun day.  Had friends in from out of town, and I swear we spent our day shopping and eating our way across the mid state.  Eating mainly.  But anyway... as we were leaving the latest round of restaurants, I got a text from my hoarding mother's neighbor.  Apparently one of her cats died that day.  Ralphie, a cat that she found in a snowstorm 4 or 5 years ago.  The neighbor said he had a kidney issue and was blocked completely... but to not let my mother know she had told me.  I apprised her that I had company in, and I would call my mother tomorrow (today).

Today I have been lazy, and did not leave the apartment for any reason.  Tomorrow I will go into the office, and it will be a long day, most likely.  I decided to just get it over with and call her today instead of tomorrow.  When I spoke to her last a couple of days ago she was on her 'psychic' kick again, morosely intoning things like "I feel like something is about to happen.  I just HATE feeling like that!  I do not know what, but SOMETHING is bad is about to happen!"

Okay.  Right.  Talk to you later... So I brace for this call.  And I know that I must seem to be the most unsympathetic person ever, but this is not a normal relationship or interaction.  Ever.  

So I call.  And she immediately comments on me 'not doing anything for a couple of days when all [I] do is run..."  I reminded her that I had guests in... again, choosing to ignore the fact that I know she writes anything I tell her on her wall calendar... things like vacation dates, people visiting, etc.  She complains about the weather, goes on about the neighbors social activities, and talks about how it is so much effort to wash her hair.  YUK.  I think I might escape this call when she intones the morose soothsayer voice and says- "Well, you know how I had a bad feeling something was going to happen?  Well it did."  I was watching my stopwatch on my iPad to see how long she would make the dramatic pause... 32 seconds.  "Ralphie is DEAD."  

She went into the story, and her stories have a formulaic quality... all of them.  She weaves so many tangents and details in to any story that it is difficult to follow.

• She tries to build drama to finish with a climatic ending 
• She focuses on what she thought, and her incorrect medical assumption
• She gave the cat a cat laxative (he cannot pee!) and sat and watched him all night instead of calling the emergency vet
• Finally at 8 am she starts calling vet offices
• She talks about all those who failed her by not answering their phone at veterinary offices or the emergency vet- and she did not leave a message at any of them
• She knew her vet was in until 3pm, and the cat is straining so hard to pee that he is drooling and the inner lid is showing and since she got the voice mail she called the humane society who told her to do the # 9 thing to get a human
• She did, and took the cat over at 1pm

The long story short is he was completely blocked, in monstrous pain, and his bowel was blocked off.  She was presented with several options, and the vet was not optimistic about any of them based on presentation.  My mother elected to euthanize Ralphie.  She held him, and stayed with him until the end.  My heart does hurt for him, and for her.  Each time I have had to do that, I have had a friend with me to support me after.  She did not.  

Now the real crazy kicks in.  She buries all her animals in the back yard, and there must be easily 40 of them out there now.  She gets Rubbermaid boxes and does all this prep of the body.  I got this huge description of the tote bag they gave her to carry Ralphie home in.  And the kicker?  She kept the bag, and did not leave him in it.  She has alienated many of her neighbors, and several are having health issues and cannot dig a hole for her.  Of course, in her typical way of not seeing anything from any point of view but her own, that is a serious failure on their part.  One neighbor had the audacity to not be home until just an hour ago!  She called some man she used 2 or 3 years ago to dig a hole on the next street over, and he came and did it for her.  He shared that they just lost a kitty this week to the same thing, and a couple of my friends have lost cats this month to renal issues.  

She began wondering aloud if she should start feeding all her cats the kidney diet food and distilled water as a prophylaxis.  She stated that her one cat had glaucoma and a heart murmur, and "kidney and heart are related you know!"

She then rebounded from my lack of agreement on that to maligning the folks next door to her neighbor that alerted me.  2-3 years ago the one neighbor's goats pushed her fence down and got in her yard, and this couple came over and herded the goats out.  My mother was screaming, hitting the goats with a broom, ranting, and carrying on... but now in revisionist historical fashion... she has no idea why they do not return her calls and she has manufactured a whole list of things that she has tried to do that is nice that they are missing out on.  

My response this was to just tell her I have heard all this, and she got Ralphie buried, so it is all good, and if this is going to be the topic of discussion I am getting off the phone.  

WOW.  I cannot even extend my condolences to her in a way that is somewhat normal.  She just cannot do it.  She is now, allegedly, down to 4 or 5 cats.  

<Counting on fingers... Pretty sure it is 5 cats that she admits to...> This is the least amount she has had in 20 years or more.  She has 2 distinct cohorts, ones that are over 10 years old, and ones that are under 2 or 3 years old.

Hoarding.  No one wins.  No one.  Especially dependent children or pets.  

Dropped off the edge of the earth for a bit, so much for Lisabeth's 'keep life and work in proper balance' resolution.  Epic fail...  the good news is the last grant is written and submitted for a bit!  Yay me!

Several friends are having issues that come with aging parents.  One friend has a father that has Alzheimer's in its earliest stages, and due to a fall he ended up with a serious brain bleed that required surgery, and prognosis is not good.  Another friend, who has a hoarding mother that most likely gave my hoarding mother mean/crazy lessons... Her father had a stroke and requires intensive nursing care.   The situations are similar with both of their fathers being beyond home care.  That is where all similarities end... and one woman's family has banded together to care for her medically vulnerable mother and father, and all choices are made out of love.  The other, the family is split.  In the other family, the hoarding mother has achieved her goal, and two children are supporting the hoarder in keeping the father in a substandard nursing facility where they only intermittently visit him, but when hoarding mother does, she intentionally and successfully antagonizes him.  They are blocking the two siblings from moving him to a specialized care facility near my friend where she could be with him daily...

Anyway, you get the picture.  I was struck by the dichotomy... and thought about how hellish it would be to have my mother as a caretaker or a medical power of attorney.  A fate worse than death....  In a hellish bit of serendipity my mother started rehashing my father's last days.  We are almost halfway between the anniversary of his passing 24 years ago and Memorial Day, so she has been EXCEPTIONALLY cheery.  She started talking about her plans for Dad if he would have been able to return home after he was placed on the heart transplant list.  As always, reinventing history is her speciality, since she has blanked out me visiting a local college and applying to transfer so I could be with Dad if that did happen.  No way was I leaving him with her.  

"So... I am thinking about getting a hospital bed for myself.  I think I will get it and put it in the living room and just get a recliner so I am ready for anything and it is already here.  I do not have anyone here and I DO NOT CARE.  You know, when things... when things happened with your father, when the end was happening, I was going to do that, so he would be in the front room and he could watch TV, see out, and if anyone came over since he had to have people running in and out of his mother's or the garage, they would not have to be anywhere in the house but the living room, and if he had to have nursing help .... [blah, blah, blah]..."

Seriously?  Before the clot that took his life at the end- which was the last 12 hours of his life- he was weak but he was able to move around, walk, etc.  He would not have been bedridden.  It was the clot that paralyzed one side, and if he had not thrown another clot there is a strong likelihood he would have recovered from that, to what degree we do not know....  He lived life fully, and he would have died a horrendous death many times over before he succumbed to be warehoused in the living room.

"[Weakly]... Oh..."

I absolutely got the chills- not figuratively, LITERALLY.  One, she is on her normal trajectory of narcissism and martyring herself.  I had such a hellish picture of the horror that my father would have experienced that it took my breath away.  For the first time I realized that potentially how things played out 24 years ago released my father from what would have happened.  I know what would have happened.  I watched her 'nurse' her mother.  The flesh can heal while the spirit dies.  She was emotionally abusive and the epitome of the abuse of power and control.  Two, I would have given almost ANYTHING to have my father in my life because he was able to have some quality of life... He would not have wanted to have laid bedridden anywhere.  I think the third thing, and maybe this is my selfishness, is it just hit me how narrowly I escaped the hoard, (as much as any COH/survivor escapes) and how different my life is now because I escaped.  At barely 19, if I would have returned home, I feel I would not have survived long term to escape again.  The simultaneous revelation was my mother's sickness is so complete, she would do anything necessary to pull me back in.  My life as an individual and my health does not matter, I only exist as an extension of her... 

This weekend is Memorial Day... and I took off so I have a 5 day weekend.  I have the time, the money, and the ability to go home.  I cannot.  I choose not to.  I will not.  I stay away for my sanity, for my health, and to live.  

And live I will.  My way, my terms, working hard to step past the shadow of the hoard.  And although my relationship with my hoarding mother causes me much pain and stress... I am succeeding.  She is not me, and I am not her.  

I hope to have more 'from the mouth of a hoarder' quotes soon.  She has said many, many things of late that warrant inclusion, but honestly, I am just so saddened by them that I am not finding them amusing in any way.  I am also becoming strangely numb to them.  I am sure my dark, sarcastic sense of humor will kick back in soon.  

I am flying south in 3 weeks to see some of my COH friends.  I am counting down the days, because I think we all need to spend some time with others who understand the 'shorthand' of COH speak.  

We are also discussing how to advance the understanding and knowledge of hoarding and the huge impact on the children and families.  

To be continued...

Northern Virginia Daily Article on Hoarding... My worst fear for my mother

Warren County Fire and Rescue Services firefighters survey the damage after fire destroyed the home of Pauline A. Hockett last week. Joe Beck/Daily

^ Posted 1 day ago

A fatal fire last week in Warren County prompts action to make residents aware of hoarding's dangers

By Joe Beck

Warren County fire officials are planning an education initiative about the risks of hoarding in the aftermath of a fire in which a 72-year-old woman died as firefighters struggled to locate her amid a vast amount of stored items in her large home.

Firefighters arrived at the home of Pauline A. Hockett, 72, of 220 Locust Dale Road, Front Royal, at about midnight Thursday and found their efforts to rescue her slowed by a considerable amount of clutter, some of it reaching as high as 6 feet.

"Throughout the first floor of the home, these guys were actually walking or climbing over material in the home trying to locate the victim without knowing a definite area where the victim was at the time of the 911 call," Fire Marshal Gerry Maiatico said.

Maiatico estimated it took about 25 minutes to find Hockett in the basement where she had died from smoke inhalation and thermal inhalation.

He said it was impossible to know whether she could have been saved had the fire crew reached her sooner, but there was no doubt that "conditions in the home greatly hampered rescue efforts."

"They were tripping and falling over these items, they were running into roadblocks every couple of feet," Maiatico said of fire crew members.

Hockett's death was the first by fire in Warren County in five years. Fire Chief Richard E. Mabie has ordered his department to begin contacting several agencies in the county that would work with the Fire and Rescue Services on educating people about fire risks associated with hoarding.

Maiatico said Mabie is committed "to preventing the loss of life in the community and making sure this type of thing doesn't happen again."

Hoarding's dangers extend to emergency calls for medical attention when every second counts for paramedics trying to save a patient's life, Maiatico said.

"They cannot get in, and they have to remove the patient from the environment before they can start the treatment process," Maiatico said, adding that hoarding can also imperil first responders.

"We don't want to commit people to areas where we don't know what conditions they will find," he said.

Hockett's sons, Glenn, 40, and Jeff, 46, will be joining the education effort.

"I told them I'd be happy to be of assistance in any way we could," Jeff Hockett said of Fire and Rescue Services. He added that the family is asking that people donate money to the department's smoke detector program in lieu of flowers.

Maiatico said the smoke detectors functioned properly during the fire at the Hockett home. He elaborated on the source of the fire, which began with improper disposal of smoking material.

"Basically, this fire stemmed from cigarettes being placed in a trash receptacle, dumping ash trays into a trash can" he said. "The Department of Fire and Rescue Services wants to remind everybody to fill ash trays with water, then dump them into a receptacle to make sure all smoking embers and cigarettes themselves are extinguished."

Maiatico said all cigarettes are required to be fire safe, which means they carry an additive that allows them to extinguish themselves if no one draws air through them.

"Even though that is a safety measure, it's not 100 percent," Maiatico said. "So we still say before you discard a cigarette, soak it with water."

Maiatico said the department's response to hoarding problems will focus on education and obtaining mental health support when hoarders are posing risks to themselves and others. No new enforcement actions or laws are planned, he said.

"We want to be respectful and focus on safety issues, not judge people on how they live and why they do the things they do," Maiatico said.

He said he was especially pleased that the Hockett family is prepared to participate in the education campaign.

"The family is taking the position that if the story of Pauline can save someone else's life, then potentially some good can come out of something like this," Maiatico said.

Contact staff writer Joe Beck at 540-465-5137 ext. 142, or jbeck@nvdaily.com

----------------------

---

Mental health professionals treating hoarding as mental disorder

^ Posted 1 day ago

By Joe Beck

Mental health professionals are about to formally recognize hoarding as a distinct mental disorder in the latest edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders to be published this spring.

Jeff Szymanski, a clinical psychologist and executive director of the International Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Foundation, said Tuesday the impending change is based on years of research and the experiences of therapists who have been treating patients for the affliction. The DSM, published by the American Psychiatric Association, is widely considered the most authoritative book for understanding mental disorders and potential treatments.

Szymanski estimated five to seven million people in the United States are hoarders, and more of them are coming to the attention of the rest of the public.

"Fire marshals are a great example because people who hoard in many instances hoard until their homes become fire hazards," Szymanski said.

Neighbors complain to authorities and landlords try to evict hoarders because they see a safety hazard to their property, Szymanski said. Complaints and pressure from outsiders are often the only way to persuade hoarders to get help, he added.

"Those who hoard typically don't seek treatment on their own," Szymanski said.

People should not confuse hoarders with pack rats and collectors whose tendency toward untidiness is a more manageable and less troubling personal trait, Szymanski said.

"Collectors have a lot of stuff, but collectors have their stuff organized," he said, adding, "pack rats may have cluttered households, but they use their possessions the way they were intended."

A pack rat may have a cluttered kitchen counter, but it's still recognizable as a counter and used for that purpose. But a hoarder may end up sleeping on a couch because the bed is already occupied by too many objects, Szymanski said.

"It's just the amount of clutter they have," he said. "It's impairing their functioning. It's interfering with their ability to use space around their home like they would like to do."

Szymanski said researchers and hoarding therapists are spearheading about 75 task forces around the country aimed at educating the public about hoarding. The task forces and more information about hoarding are listed at the web site Helpforhoarding.org.

Contact staff writer Joe Beck at 540-465-5137 ext. 142, or jbeck@nvdaily.com

---