The Hoarding and Narcissistic Family Tree

Egads.  I am still processing my relationship with my NPD, hoarding mother and am low to no contact with other relatives... Or so I thought.

One day post 46th birthday I was rushing home from a lovely Ethiopian late lunch with a friend and had to change into 'professional CEO lady' clothing to attend an evening dinner event.  I rushed home, and was getting out of the car when my mobile rang.  I had been talking to my staff about a shelter issue, so I answered without looking.

HUGE MISTAKE.  

It was 'narcis-sister'.  My 1/2 sister who was given up at birth and found us when I was 26.  The thing that terrifies me is she is proof that there is a strong genetic link to this thing, with the narcissism, hoarding, and she is also struggles with Oxycontin addiction.  I got the "Hey little sister, sorry I missed your birthday by not sending a card, so happy birthday, and by the way, [your mother's sister] went insane and is seeing bugs and lizards in her house, stayed over here with with me and called the police on me today for domestic abuse..."  I explained that I thought that was unfortunate, but I needed to get dressed for a work event and ended the call.  She asked me to call her back... Hope she is not holding her breath on that.  She kept repeating she wanted to give me a heads up that I "will be getting a call" from my aunt.

Fast forward a couple of weeks.  I had just left a dinner date with a gentleman I have seen a couple of times now, and had just left my polling place and went to the grocery store.  I had just pulled in when my mobile rang.  It was my aunt, who also scares me on the genetic link piece.  She also is on the hoarding scale and is also demonstrates the clinical indicators of narcissistic personality disorder.  I selected ignore on my phone, removed it from the holder on my dash, dropped it in my leather handbag, and entered the grocery store.

Now, there are a couple of things that could have happened... Perhaps I did not lock my iPhone, and the leather from my handbag was enough of a contact with the touchscreen to 'buttdial' my aunt back.  I think the more likely scenario was she called, I hit ignore, she left the demanding voicemail that I retrieved later, and she immediately called back and my handbag 'answered'.  Either way, I hear her shrill and demanding voice screaming my name.  I knew if I disconnected her she would then continue to call my phone, and if I blocked her, would go to neighbors, etc.  So I answered.  

For over 40 minutes, other than my initial 'hello' and 'I have to go, I need to cash out my groceries' I said nothing.  I did not have to... It was a solid monologue of made up drama.  The short version is...  She was hospitalized with her back, and she claims that some meds they gave her made her see dead people and dead bodies in her yard.  She asserts the lizards, the rats, and the men talking under her windows at her home and at my sister's home was real.  She states that she was in the mental health unit for 5 days, but she has papers proving she has nothing wrong with her, that it was the medicine, and she has most of the blankets and towels off the windows now.  She states she is DONE with my sister, and told the story regarding the events that culminated in her calling 9-1-1.  She also is angry at the 'wonderful strangers' that she has included in her will chose to leave when she started having 'problems' and have not been accessible since.

Ugh.  Double ugh.

I think I have enough of this with my hoarding mother.  I simply cannot, or will not, deal with 2 others, and I will not allow myself to be triangulated into their pettiness.  

Hoarding.  No one wins.  No one.

Sharing an article- How to not say the wrong thing...

http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407   

I am always searching for articles, etc. for my workplace to post on social media, and a happy, happy side effect is I often find ones that might increase my personal knowledge and, hopefully, emotional intelligence quotient just a bit.

Just completed reading this article, and thought I might send this to my hoarding mother anonymously since she will not consider this if I just have the discussion head on, or in an 'oh how interesting' way.  Not to be snarky and harmful, but perhaps, just perhaps, she will read this article, and perhaps she would rigidly follow the 'no dumping in rules'... Not because she suddenly had insight or understanding, but because in her machinations and manipulations, this is another 'rule' she might find worthy of parroting.  

Just an ill executed attempt to make my life (and others who must deal with her) lives more palatable.  I know that unless I do this very carefully, this will backfire completely.  Worth a try though... Perhaps.

The second reason I found this a helpful is as children of hoarders we get a lot of judgement and 'judgy' statements sugar-coated to look something like empathy.  This could not be more relevant.  Especially with all the statements of 'your mom is your mom no matter what' and the expectation that you put your emotional and physical health as second priority.  

Thoughts on this article one way or the other?

Hoarding... No one wins.  No one....

Dropped off the edge of the earth for a bit, so much for Lisabeth's 'keep life and work in proper balance' resolution.  Epic fail...  the good news is the last grant is written and submitted for a bit!  Yay me!

Several friends are having issues that come with aging parents.  One friend has a father that has Alzheimer's in its earliest stages, and due to a fall he ended up with a serious brain bleed that required surgery, and prognosis is not good.  Another friend, who has a hoarding mother that most likely gave my hoarding mother mean/crazy lessons... Her father had a stroke and requires intensive nursing care.   The situations are similar with both of their fathers being beyond home care.  That is where all similarities end... and one woman's family has banded together to care for her medically vulnerable mother and father, and all choices are made out of love.  The other, the family is split.  In the other family, the hoarding mother has achieved her goal, and two children are supporting the hoarder in keeping the father in a substandard nursing facility where they only intermittently visit him, but when hoarding mother does, she intentionally and successfully antagonizes him.  They are blocking the two siblings from moving him to a specialized care facility near my friend where she could be with him daily...

Anyway, you get the picture.  I was struck by the dichotomy... and thought about how hellish it would be to have my mother as a caretaker or a medical power of attorney.  A fate worse than death....  In a hellish bit of serendipity my mother started rehashing my father's last days.  We are almost halfway between the anniversary of his passing 24 years ago and Memorial Day, so she has been EXCEPTIONALLY cheery.  She started talking about her plans for Dad if he would have been able to return home after he was placed on the heart transplant list.  As always, reinventing history is her speciality, since she has blanked out me visiting a local college and applying to transfer so I could be with Dad if that did happen.  No way was I leaving him with her.  

"So... I am thinking about getting a hospital bed for myself.  I think I will get it and put it in the living room and just get a recliner so I am ready for anything and it is already here.  I do not have anyone here and I DO NOT CARE.  You know, when things... when things happened with your father, when the end was happening, I was going to do that, so he would be in the front room and he could watch TV, see out, and if anyone came over since he had to have people running in and out of his mother's or the garage, they would not have to be anywhere in the house but the living room, and if he had to have nursing help .... [blah, blah, blah]..."

Seriously?  Before the clot that took his life at the end- which was the last 12 hours of his life- he was weak but he was able to move around, walk, etc.  He would not have been bedridden.  It was the clot that paralyzed one side, and if he had not thrown another clot there is a strong likelihood he would have recovered from that, to what degree we do not know....  He lived life fully, and he would have died a horrendous death many times over before he succumbed to be warehoused in the living room.

"[Weakly]... Oh..."

I absolutely got the chills- not figuratively, LITERALLY.  One, she is on her normal trajectory of narcissism and martyring herself.  I had such a hellish picture of the horror that my father would have experienced that it took my breath away.  For the first time I realized that potentially how things played out 24 years ago released my father from what would have happened.  I know what would have happened.  I watched her 'nurse' her mother.  The flesh can heal while the spirit dies.  She was emotionally abusive and the epitome of the abuse of power and control.  Two, I would have given almost ANYTHING to have my father in my life because he was able to have some quality of life... He would not have wanted to have laid bedridden anywhere.  I think the third thing, and maybe this is my selfishness, is it just hit me how narrowly I escaped the hoard, (as much as any COH/survivor escapes) and how different my life is now because I escaped.  At barely 19, if I would have returned home, I feel I would not have survived long term to escape again.  The simultaneous revelation was my mother's sickness is so complete, she would do anything necessary to pull me back in.  My life as an individual and my health does not matter, I only exist as an extension of her... 

This weekend is Memorial Day... and I took off so I have a 5 day weekend.  I have the time, the money, and the ability to go home.  I cannot.  I choose not to.  I will not.  I stay away for my sanity, for my health, and to live.  

And live I will.  My way, my terms, working hard to step past the shadow of the hoard.  And although my relationship with my hoarding mother causes me much pain and stress... I am succeeding.  She is not me, and I am not her.  

I hope to have more 'from the mouth of a hoarder' quotes soon.  She has said many, many things of late that warrant inclusion, but honestly, I am just so saddened by them that I am not finding them amusing in any way.  I am also becoming strangely numb to them.  I am sure my dark, sarcastic sense of humor will kick back in soon.  

I am flying south in 3 weeks to see some of my COH friends.  I am counting down the days, because I think we all need to spend some time with others who understand the 'shorthand' of COH speak.  

We are also discussing how to advance the understanding and knowledge of hoarding and the huge impact on the children and families.  

To be continued...

Appropriate meme

Resonated with me...



-Hoarding... It is not about the stuff... That is merely a symptom of a life threatening mental illness.

Some salient points have been reinforced of late

To those that celebrate Easter, Happy Easter!  Today I spent the day recharging myself, spending time with the 2 most amazing cats (my furry family).  This weekend I took a large part of it off, and although I will have a large price to pay over the next month, I needed these three days ... to only do what I wanted, needed, had to do. 

I reconnected with some friends that I have sadly neglected due to my crazy work schedule the past few months... and I am working to once again achieve balance.  I am really working to move past the 'all or nothing' or perfectionist perspective that I was indoctrinated with by my hoarding mother.  I have a huge list of things that I have a deadline for at work.  And I will get them done.  I should have 'deep cleaned' my apartment (although it is company ready now!) and went to the grocery.  I did not.  Because this weekend, self care was the priority.  And reconnecting with those most important to me... my family of choice.

Now- bear with me, this may be a bit a long and twisty, but...  In the past few months work has been demanding.  Lots of lobbying, advocacy, new staff, and all grants are due for renewal... plus 2 events coming up and ... you get the picture.  I have worked crazy hours, worked every day, and let my life get out of balance.  Somehow I have drug myself to the gym 3 times a week, but it was a fight.  Happily, I am 92 pounds down, and 21 lbs from goal.  Only 8 from a calculated BMI of 25.  Through all of this, although I am an introvert and enjoy my own company, I felt isolated.  I was isolated.  By my own excess... (work).  And to that end, I thought about the isolation my hoarding mother imposes on herself.  About her inability to see things from another perspective, to be part of her own (or anyone else's) solution, to set achievable goals that are set in reality, and to accept responsibility/be accountable for her own life.  Not that I am perfect.  Obviously I am not. 

I spoke with some other COH's online this week, and have lurked in the online support group.  On top of that, speaking to my mother, highlights the true sickness, the narcissism, the addiction of hoarding.  To her and many, if not all, hoarders- their overarching coping mechanisms focus on the abuse of power and control.  Within that framework, several things are relatively consistent with most hoarders, if you can dig deep enough.  They are:

• Narcissistic and manipulative parenting
• Lack of empathy or compassion 
• Extreme rigidity
• Lack of boundaries and limits
• Refusal to look at data in a holistic way that would result in a reasonable conclusion

If you were so motivated to look back at the 40-something posts here on this blog (if you are a complete masochist), you would be able to group them into these categories.  Much of my posting has been on the horrendous things that come out of her mouth, and her refusal to see things from any other perspective than her own.  I see her constantly revising history and her rumination and negativity as stemming from the above. 

It appears to me that the life of a hoarder (especially one as close to the utterly dysfunctional/abusive end of the behavioral continuum as mine) is both full and empty at the same time.  It is empty of the things that most find rewarding... like reciprocal friendships, evolving and loving relationships with family, activities that bring joy to them and others... the list could be huge.  What the hoarder's life is chock full of, other than useless stuff, is bitterness, anger, and fear. 

That is simply so sad.  I heard a statistic from a respected hoarding researcher that less than 7% of those who receive therapeutic intervention for hoarding show any sign of substantive improvement.  And more frighteningly... there is a 100% failure rate on curing it.  (Now, I have an email into the person citing these stats so I can annotate/cite them correctly).  That tells me that to date, the current way of treatment is an utter failure.  This, in my mind, would be like working with the perpetrators of domestic violence and asking them gently about the times they used power and control, and asking them to maybe not use a baseball bat on their significant other, but to just punch them.  And the family?  Sorry!  If you are not willing to submit to the continued abuse, you are obviously part of the problem.  Is this a harsh analogy?  Yes.  Exaggerated for effect?  Yes.  Accurate nonetheless?  YES.

Dear Prudence - Hoarding

See the last story/question...

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/03/dear_prudence_my_boyfriend_won_t_marry_me_despite_our_having_a_child.html



- Hoarding... NO ONE wins. No one.
And, no matter what, your hoarding parent's situation is NOT your fault.

Relevant to COH's

-Hoarding... It is not about the stuff... That is merely a symptom of a life threatening mental illness.

Sharing a Link to a Hoarding Research Study

Here is a link to a study. http://hoardingstudy.com/ 

I just learned of it not too long ago, and I am not sure if it is current at the moment, but I am definitely advocating for those who are COHs to participate so we can achieve several things: 

1. That the impact on hoarding on families and children... both adult children and children under the age of consent is acknowledged by professional communities and professionals such as therapists, psychiatrists, social workers, counselors, psychologists, et al.


2. That the stuff is but a symptom of the underlying issue(s).  For many hoarders, their illness includes elements of addiction, the abuse of power and control, narcissism/other personality disorders, abuse- emotional, mental and sometimes... physical and sexual.  (It appears that the DSM 5 and the work of Dr. Suzanne Chabaud and her team are making some headway here presently!)


3. To better learn and identify short-term and long-term physical and psychological impact on COHs.


4. To develop new treatment and intervention modalities that recognize the current treatments are not effective and often victimize the children yet another time.


5. To assist communities in identifying and intervening in hoarding situations, especially when underage children are present.

Now... do I expect this to happen with participating in one lone survey?  NO.  But, for those of us who are far enough in our journey, who are healthy enough and supported enough by our friends and families of choice, to do this safely... being active is a way to help.

Will you join me?

As the circle of light grows, so does the circumference of darkness around it..

http://live.huffingtonpost.com/r/segment/controlling-hoarding/50b7d1ac2b8c2a5d870003a5 

Another friend who grew up in a hoarded home.  She is working to help those who hoard, and their families.  She and her mother were on A&E's Hoarders, Buried Alive in one of the early seasons.  She and her mother were on a Huffington Post segment earlier in the week.

Brave folks who have chosen to be public, to speak out.  They continue this battle each day.  I watched the segment, and then I did what often disturbs me most, I read the comments.

Now, as we all know, it is very easy to hide behind a screen name, and troll or be intentionally asinine.  Many of the comments were sophomoric and puerile, but some clearly show that we have a long way to go.  Blaming the daughter.  Critiquing her faith based approach.  Stating that it is the hoarder's right to live any way they want.  And so it goes...the ignorance that allows children to live in hoarded homes, to live in neglect and active abuse.  COH's struggles all too often do not end with leaving the hoard as I did- the struggles include:

• Being so 'gaslighted' by the hoarder that many struggle for years, if not arguably, their lifetimes, to define what 'normal' is.  
• To define what appropriate boundaries are- the hoarder works very hard to keep the child dependent and yet in an enabling mode through the abuse of power and control.
• To figure out how to 'overwrite' the skewed and self serving, hoard perpetuating guilt, lies and manipulations of the hoarder.  
• To overcome PTSD and the triggers.  To this day if I open a fridge and something has went over and smells, I am nauseated for hours.
• To trust, to love, to be loved, to parent without the shadow of the hoard looming in the COH's mind.
• To establish 'normal' homes and routines, and healthy relationships with 'stuff'.
• To overcome doorbell dread.

This list could go on indefinitely.  Please take a moment to watch the clip, and look at the resources.  Hoarding hurts, and NO ONE wins.  COHs need compassion and support, much like those who have grown up in hell homes of addiction, domestic abuse, and similar behaviors.  Because...many of us have.  Most of us have.  All of us have.