Saturday, July 20, 2013

Being the (self-appointed) center of the universe must be an exhausting job...

What a mish-mosh of JPFN conversations with my hoarding mother have been of late.  They are exhausting.  And if you have not heard the acronym JPFN before... It stands for:


But... there is a constant factor, no matter what she talks about, or what subject she jumps to with no bridging dialogue or segues into the next topic.

That factor would be her inability to understand any perspective outside her own.  I suspect she has not seen the meme 'don't believe everything you think.'  She would not understand it, and see it as totally irreverent.  To that end, she cannot see how her perceptions are just that, perceptions/speculations run through the filter of narcissism, hoarding, violent ideation, over simplification, and power and control... and not fact.  Basically a recipe for 'bat-shit crazy'.  And mean.

So- let me provide a run down of her statements and delusional extrapolations over the past few days...

  1. Her former next door neighbor is now 'butt-buddies' with the despised neighbor 'in the turn' because he stopped by his property to check on things, and used the despised neighbor's riding lawn mower. (Keep in mind that these men have known each other for 40 years or so.)
  2. The neighbors renting from despised neighbor are now also on the 'enemy list'.  They were suspect for renting from him, and since they cleaned the Virginia Creeper and poison ivy off the rusting 40 + year old fence and poured weed killer at the base of the fence, she is waiting to catch them doing something nefarious and will call the police on them.  <Yawn>
  3. The same neighbors, who by her constant discussion are always at work or keep to themselves, risked the apocalypse by building a fire pit for their party this weekend.
  4. Speaking of parties... they partied, drank, burned the fire and made noise until 2am Saturday morning.  They are below contempt.  She will organize all the neighbors to call the police at the same exact time next time so the police will be overwhelmed and run right over.  Yeah.  She might want to try speaking to them first.
  5. She got her results of her MRIs back.  She has something torn in her hip, knee and her issues continue with her lower back.  She described, in great detail, how she wants to get a hatchet, find her former physical therapist and cut his penis off so there will not be anymore b@stards like him... You get the picture.
  6. No matter where she goes, no matter what she attempts to purchase... fast food, her prescriptions, etc.  It is always a battle and she walks out after being insulting, loud, rude, and not completing her task at hand.  It is a perverse type of martyring that is as pointless as it is mean.
  7. She calls the utility companies several times a week, and always gives the customer service person a huge dose of sarcasm and meanness.  They ask for her phone number to bring up her account?  She explodes.  They attempt to up-sell her a service?  She explodes.  Again, you get the idea.
  8. She complains nonstop about the heat, the rain, the wind, much like she complains about every nuance of the winter.  "Enough is ENOUGH!"
  9. Every disagreement or misunderstanding results in a nuclear option.  There is no benefit of the doubt... ever.
  10. *Ahem*.  She has a new mole, that she described in all of its... glory?  It is in a place no one EVER wants to think of... and her Depends is getting caught on it.  Ye GODS I could go the next 40 years and never hear of another mole, the excretions from it.  The word 'crusty' and 'mole' should never, ever, be used together.  EVER.
  11. She wants to make a plywood box.  This box would be 16X20'' and would not have a top nor a bottom.  She cannot be bothered to use nails or staples, and wants to use hinges all the way around... the hinge to nowhere I guess.  The reason for this monstrosity?  She wants to put her legs up at night, and the pillows she uses now 'slide' and the plywood box will not.
  12. She spends hours, days, and who-knows-how-much duct tape, and other accroutiments in repurposing and repackaging EVERYTHING.  Whether it needs it or not.
  13. She is obsessing over a dog that she hears barking and cannot locate where it is.  "That is SO STRANGE!"  Um... NO.  It is not.
  14. She is convinced the neighbors caused a branch to fall on her bush/tree just to cause her problems.
  15. She is obsessing on the neighbors miniature horse and the fact she feels her neighbor suspects her for calling in a complaint to the local animal control officer.  Like my father said... One does not usually look in closets in which one has not hidden previously.  
  16. She is griping and continuing to promulgate internalized racism, ethnocentrism with all kinds of crazy complaints, questions, and stories of her experiences with 'people of other nationalities' like 'black people.'  She saw... mixed race children today, and commented how 'pretty' they were and that she 'did not know' as the looked like they were really 'tan.'  [SMH]
  17. She claims to not look outside much, but she watches everyone.  All the time.  And judges, speculates, and calls her neighbor to demand, "Do you know what is going on [next door]?"  
  18. She keeps telling me the doctors reactions that she is at their office alone, and her passive aggressive flogging of me continues.  I suspect what she is seeing is fear that she is operating a vehicle while so JPFN!
  19. Her negativity grows exponentially every day.
  20. She is furious that the locally owned and operated pharmacy is selling out to a large nationwide pharmacy and feels the pharmacist should have told her before it went public...
Have a good night.  And remember... No matter how bad things get, you have a bright spot.  You are not me in these conversations.


  1. No, I am not you (and I'm grateful for that *sorry*) but I do feel ya because I have been you and my momster comes with her own set of crazy.

    Girl, how much longer do you think she can live alone?

    Also, "organize the neighbors" I spit with laughter!

  2. Momster... LOVE IT!

    I am not sure how much longer she will be able to live on her own... Her new doctor wants her to walk with a walker or two canes. She immediately went into what was essentially the final act of Carmen on him as to why she could not. (She has RA and her hands, it would be awkward, etc.) Perhaps because you have goat paths 18 inches wide, max?

    Yeah. I was driving with my mouth open until I realized it... She plans to 'organize the neighbors.' I may get someone to film that!