'Wow... seriously?' is most likely NOT an appropriate title for this, but...

First of all, it is ironic that I picked a Cafe' to get some blogging done, and I just realized that the table of young women near me (7 of them) are some sort of Meetup.com group that appears to be a group targeting folks with hoarding behaviors.  They are discussing their meddling families attempting clean ups.  It is fascinating, but triggering.  I am moving to another table...

Anyway, my hoarding mother's latest.  A neighbor's tree fell on her property, and according to her, he is an absentee slumlord who is inaccessible.  She got a tree trimming service to come trim the tree back so she can get out of her detached garage, then they returned the next day to haul away the tree.  This all heralded the normal amount of guano-loco that you can imagine.  She has been calling local attorney's offices, as she plans to sue them too.  Yay??

That same day, her garage door failed.  She had to call someone out to repair it.  The opener is over 25 years old, and may be older.  Now, she has decided that the reason the part failed is someone forced it up to place the items they stole from her small 'storage barn' (shed) from the yard.  She claims they put something in the lock after they forced it open, so she can no longer open it.  My question was... how does she know what was stolen if she cannot open the door?  That was ignored.  So now, whomever did this forced her garage door open, placed those stolen-from-her-objects in the hoarded garage behind her car, with other things that are not hers, along with 'writing'.  She did not read it because she is not getting close to it.  I asked her if she called the police, and go the usual bluster and excuses.  I ended the call.

Just.  Seriously?

I simply cannot win...

I should have known, and it seems that I will keep having the same lesson until I learn...

Long story short, I have been having some health issues, that I have not yet had diagnosed.  They suspected an autoimmune issue, but I have been unconvinced.  In training for my upcoming marathon, I noticed my heart rate has been off, and I struggle to maintain endurance and speed goals that I should be surpassing, but I figured it was whatever was happening, and I now have a follow up appointment in mid June.  I started having dizziness a few weeks ago, and dismissed it as the residual damage from a huge fallopian tube tumor in 2013 that nearly took my life.  I also have had some other similarities to the days leading up to the discovery of this tumor, but I shook it off.

Why?  Because I am obviously stupid.  

So on Sunday May 22 I woke up sick, and it progressed quickly to everything exiting my body in one of two unpleasant routes, sometimes at the same time.  I had 36 hours of pain and vile GI stuff, and by Monday afternoon I was back at work.  Tuesday night I felt pretty good, and Wednesday was a repeat of Sunday, but with a lot of chest, back and lower right abdominal pain.  I finally called the tele nurse, who instructed me to go to the emergency care unit ASAP, she was concerned I might be having a gall bladder attack.  My wonderful friend who brought over groceries on Sunday so I would have the BRAT diet took control and drove me to the hospital.  Long story shorter, I have a small amount of sludge in my gall bladder, but they caught a glimpse of something in the CAT scan.  The ECU doctor thinks it is a softball sized ovarian tumor on my remaining ovary.  The doctor I was to follow up with is trying to determine if it is that, or a bowel tumor or a couple other equally unpleasant options.  Most likely, I will be going under the knife soon.  Very soon.  

My insurance is being a pain, and has slowed things down considerably, along with a couple of mistakes by the doctor I was referred to.  I am hanging in here, but I have good days that are not the best, (weak and a bit of pain) and bad days with nausea and vomiting that come on suddenly, along with passing out.  It is fantastic fun.  

My perspective is, whatever this is, I will deal with it and make the best of it.  Am I pissed that I am most likely now going to miss several goals that I set such as:

1. Running 1,500 miles in under 12 months
2. Running a full marathon this year (26.2 miles)
3. Running an obstacle race in July
4. Running a Spartan in the fall

I will meet these goals, it just may be next Spring and Summer.  I also know that there is a possibility of malignancy if this is a tumor, and that may require more treatment and surgery.  I will cross that bridge when I come to it.  

I decided after a few days that I would tell my hoarding mother so hopefully she would dial back the crazy for a few days... HAH.  

She immediately responded with "Oh no.  Your dad..." and I cut her off.  I am very aware that I am now 47 and my father died in his late 40's, thank you not so very much...

Her next statement was "Are you in pain?" and I replied that yes, I had pain, and I was given major painkillers but I am not taking them.  She then asked if my 'belly' hurt and if it was 'puffy' and then stated she wondered if that was what was wrong with her... blah blah blah.

I ended the call.  A co-worker called that conversation to the tee... Yikes.  So now, I am traversing the medical diagnosis process and trying to keep work balls in the air, and I have not told many folks much since I know so little.  But I am really ready for this to be over, and to move on.  

I am still running 6-7 days a week, albeit a bit less mileage and speed, and I am working shorter days but doing my level best to keep things moving forward.  I am also spending a lot of time with friends, even if they do not know, as I just do not want to stew in my own juices, I choose to spend time with fun, positive and uplifting people.  

Keep your fingers crossed for me.  No one said life would be fair or easy, but it is worth it.  In my opinion, everything that is worthwhile is sometimes a struggle.  I continue to live life at full volume.  I am now planning a trip to southern Italy with friends in 2017, and I will see friends in Florida in late Summer.  

My life, my terms, no compromises.  I refuse to live life on the 'safe side of the street' or 'look at it as opportunity lost' like my hoarding mother.  And I will learn this lesson.  Before it is too late, I will learn and integrate.

Thank you for reading.  I will post an update when I know more.

Another episode of... From The Mouth Of A Hoarder!

Sharing a recent bit of craziness.  My hoarding mother has a mobile phone.  Not that it does her much good, as she refuses to give the number out, keep it on, keep it with her...  You know, somehow be part of her own solution.

So I called to check in.  And she starts off with her normal "I am so mad I could just KILL" bull crap.  She informs me that she was curious after having a mobile since 1995 or so, as to what her voice mail greeting sounds like.  So she called it.  And promptly went off the deep end.  It is a standard US major carrier that says something to the the effect of "You have reached..<insert my hoarding mother's name in her own voice> please leave a message."

Oh.  The. Horror.  Her name is out there for everyone to hear!  The mobile provider did this!  She called and spent hours on the phone arguing with random people who all told her the same thing I did.  No one did that 'to her' or 'for her'.  She did it.  She was furious at the 'smart asses' that 'were more interested in telling me I was wrong' than fixing it.  A person did tell her how to change her outgoing message, but that one said her phone number!!!  Jesus wept.  She finally found the option to do a personal greeting, and said that the phone now says "You have reached SALLY..." 

I explained to her that likely that she set that up in 1994 or 1995 and forgot, but I hear that message in occasion, and it is indeed her voice.  I got a lot of huffing, puffing and harrumphing type of noises, and she changed the subject and got off the phone quickly.

Before she got off the phone she wanted to know if she should buy a new spare since hers has been in her car since it was new (1994) and she wanted to know what she should do about getting her hearing aid serviced since they are in the same office as a doctor that discharged her from the practice, and according to her, she is not to be on their property even thought she did nothing to cause it.  (I remember the incident that likely resulted in that refusal of service, and it was earned... revisionist history much?)

Ai yi yi.  I have to laugh, or I would scream.  Thanks for reading...

My Hoarding Mother- the Godfather Wannabe

This has not been a spectacular week.  Ergo three posts in quick succession.

I get a text from my hoarding mother's neighbor, asking if I can call her.  I was in a meeting with my management staff, but I called as soon as I dropped them off at the office and went to park my car.

ARGH.  My mother called her, and was being cagey and obtuse.  She finally whisper-asked "Do you know anyone that would do something, well, ornery?"  The neighbor heard her, but made her ask a couple more times, and each time my mother asked a different way... calling it 'devious' and 'illegal' and mumbled something about she needed a 'bad' person to even things out, she was tired of the harassment she is receiving from a couple of neighbors.  I shared with the neighbor that my mother called yelling the other day that the hated neighbor "in the turn" came into her yard and stole her 40 year old tiger lily bush and it is now in his yard.  The neighbor replied that she has been past her yard, and there is nothing dug up or missing, and the things she is accusing this man of stealing are still hoarded in her yard.  Shocker...

The neighbor told her NO... All the people she knows are good, and recounted my hoarding mother's other attempts to 'hire someone' in 1995 and again in 2000.  I was aware of both since she had also contacted former friends of mine who she considered to be 'edgy' or 'bad'.  She was trying to find someone to harm my soon-to-be-first-ex-husband, and trying to find someone five years later to break into her estranged sister's home and dognap her beloved dog... I will not go into details what she intended to do with the dog, but it was soulless and horrible.  She was never able to execute either plan, and no one will speak up to law enforcement because they are afraid of her and what she personally might do.  

I urged the neighbor to talk to the chief of police in that town, but she is afraid that will result in a scorched earth reaction.  Ugh.  I feel so helpless to do anything helpful.  I waited a few days and called her, and she casually asked the name of a friend from high school and college that she considers 'questionable' and got very huffy and defensive when I asked her why... and did not provide her any information.  She will find him I am convinced, but we are connected on social media and I know he will contact me.  I suspect she will also contact others, who will reach out to me.

She is dangerous.  This is why I keep her very low contact, and have not gone no contact... but that day is coming.

The neighbor echoed my (second) ex-husband who is one of my best friends.  In the past month they have both stated they wish she would just quietly and quickly pass so I can be free.  I do not want that, but I understand the frustration and the caring for me that is behind such a terrible sentiment.

This is not going to end well.  My hope is my mother does not harm anyone else, and if she has to harm someone, that it is only herself.  I am reaching out to the police chief (who I went to high school with) to 'blue sky' this situation.  If I can do something to prevent harm to others, I have to.  

Wish me luck.  

An update on the aunt who hoards, and who is in active psychosis

This should be an episode of 'From the Mouth of a Hoarder'...

My mother's estranged sister continues to call, sometimes once a week, but I am hoping that maybe, just maybe, it will stop.

As a recap, she was involuntarily committed (known as being 302d) in May after seeing dead bodies, reporting my 1/2 sister (narcissister) for domestic violence, and the like.

Until her last call, she claimed that a neighbor put a 'device' in her furnace and in her van that he can play music and sing songs, but it is so soft and with the fan from the furnace it cannot be recorded.  Then she said he was driving by with a loudspeaker.  She stated in her discussion he was a pedophile, and the like.  She said her psychotic break in 2015 was due to him projecting holograms and she has papers from her week long hospitalization saying she isn't crazy.  And the like.

Fast forward until April 10.  I was on a Skype call when she blew up my phone.  Even though it was a Sunday, I had a Skype call, a Go-to-meeting BOD call, and had to prepare to speak at a press conference.

She continued to call, and finally I was done with my virtual meeting and answered.  Her repeated calling kept knocking my internet out since I use a hotspot.  In this call she:

• Said it was not 'him'
• That the songs said he killed himself out of unrequited love for her
• That she freaked but he is okay and was told by the police to stay away from her
• That she now 'has feelings for him'
• That she thinks narcissister is behind all of this
• That she was 302d by a police officer
• That her doctors say she is not crazy and it is happening
• That the police do not believe her
• Went off her meds
• Her general practitioner yelled at her for going off of her sleep meds
• She does not know what she takes and has not bottles to read me

You get the picture.  She also kept asking about noises she was hearing in the background (my cat futzing around, me drinking, etc.)  What was the most interesting was I was working in speech notecards, and started typing to send my outline to the PR folks, and she FREAKED and started screaming she had to go, someone was calling her.

I have not heard from her since.  Perhaps I should type any time she calls.  And keep my nails long and shellac manicured...

What is the definition of insanity? Look to my family, and me, I think...

This hails from my home state.  I roll out tomorrow after having nearly a week of a lovely conference experience and good information to take back to my organization.  Being with folks in my profession who are trained in my particular discipline is always refreshing.

What is NOT refreshing is being this close to my hoarding mother.  Nothing has changed, really.  Her conversations remain full of paranoia, delusion, denial, blame, intentional cruelty, willful ignorance, revisionist history, gross and inappropriate disclosure, and rumination.  

Things I never need to hear about again:  Her scaly, peeling moles; her bleeding moles; her 'sharp' and crusty feet; her jeans rubbing off on her bra;  hair removal from places that make me wish there was brain bleach, and bodily functions... hers, the cats and random strangers.  GAH!  And you are most welcome for the mental pictures!  Tis a service I provide...

I decided to inform her I was here for the conference the day I was leaving for it, mainly because I was concerned with her increasing paranoia she would call the shelter or the office in my absence and cause all kinds of chaos.  Not a discussion I want to have with staff if I can help it, although most of them know about her after her stunt a few months ago.

After some thought, I decided to reach out once more. Give her the benefit of the doubt, and offer to go to her town and meet her for dinner.  She is almost 80, and really has no one now.  She has alienated most everyone at this point, and I let empathy get in the way of common sense. I planned to do it in a very structured way, and in a solution based manner that would minimize her strategy of 'a problem for every solution.'  Keep in mind that she has not seen me in person since April 2013, two months before I had a life threatening health challenge that resulted in two major surgeries in under 11 months.  Last year I was here and she declined to see me, then drug a cross to a former high school classmate and incited her to contact me and tell me that my mother 'just needed to be heard' and that it would do her good for me to visit.  

Fast forward to last night.  I called between sessions, and I just apprised her that I was available for dinner Friday night or lunch Saturday and would drive to her town.  She immediately declined, stating that she had dental work done several weeks ago and her gum was still sore, and besides, with the amount of teeth she is missing and the appliance she wears for her TMJ issue, she does not eat in front of anyone.  I was pleasant, and ended the call quickly.  She seemed in excellent spirits, and it did not hit me until today... she was WAITING to do that.  It obviously triggered a secondary gain of some sort for her.  I am convinced of it.  She told the neighbor what she had done, who texted me.  The neighbor told her she could sip a soda, eat an ice cream, but my mother had a problem for every solution.  Last year was not an anomaly.  Her failure to do anything remotely mother-like in August of 2013 or July of 2014 was not an accident. She has no intention to see me.  I could speculate why, but in the end, it is just that- speculation- and does not matter.  You cannot determine intent from someone that is simply not rational... Or someone who is coldly narcissistic. 

And who loses here?  Sadly, she does.  I have already realized long ago that I am not the daughter she wanted.  What she does not understand is she is far from the mother I needed and deserved when I was younger, and I have scars from that, but they are relatively well healed scars.  And I need to stop giving her the opportunity to wound me again.  Last year I was angry and hurt.  This year, it stung slightly, and I kvetched to friends via text, and I have great friends that I simply do not deserve.  They rock.  I was mostly annoyed that I knew how this was going to play out, and I did it anyway.  

I resolve to use this as the learning experience it is.  I really believe that you either succeed or you learn, and both is technically a win.  Apparently this lesson I had to repeat.  I got it now.  The saddest thing is at nearly 80 years old, she will most likely never be given the option to see me in person again.  

Sometimes, mother, you reap what you sow.  Sometimes you get what you want.  Tonight, I had dinner with lovely friends and a wonderful restaurant, and I got to witness another patron propose to his fiancee.  It was such a happy event, and I am so glad to have had such a great evening.  Epic win for me, I think!

Tomorrow I am driving to my hometown to eat at my favorite restaurant and to see a couple of friends before I roll several hours home.  Once home, I am invited to a bonfire at friends.  Sunday is brunch with another group of friends, then back to work for two gruelling deadlines.  Life returns to normal.

I will be back for the conference next year, but she will not know it.  Or maybe she will, but I will be simply too busy to see her.  I choose to fill my life with what is positive, affirming, and pleasurable.  I have no more time for this.  

My life has challenges.  I am still fighting to get into the specialist to evaluate the autoimmune issue that is continuing to escalate.  I have hit a few roadblocks to getting into the therapist I wish to see that has experience with adult children of hoarders and adults with significant trauma histories.  I will persevere and will figure it out, even if I have to pay for them myself and figure out insurance later.  Work/life balance is still wonky, but after the 9th it should resume 'normal but busy' rather than 'bone crushing deadlines'.  I am still struggling to get ready for a marathon- but it will only change the race I choose to run, not whether I race it.  I have Mother's Day coming up the day after my birthday.  That has me in a weird place, but I will push through and focus on all that is right with my life, and it is a lot.  I have essentially no biological family that is not toxic, but I have many great friends that are my family of choice.

Life is meant to be lived at full volume, and I refuse to do anything less.  Lesson learned.  No ifs, ands, or buts.  

Thank you for reading!  

Easter Sunday- 2016

I am embarrassed that it has been almost 2 months since my last post.  No excuse for it, I have once again allowed my work/life balance to get out of whack, and although much of this is really a one time thing, I realized that I have done what I always do when the situation with my hoarding mother and my narcissistic family erupts, I put my head down and I simply WORK.  And that is what I have done.

Now, in the midst of opening a new program at work, moving our Admin offices to a new location and having multiple grant deadlines and EOQ reporting deadlines looming I am still training for races, so two priorities have emerged... work and running.  And my cats are always a priority!  

Today is the observance of Easter in the US.  Other than a nearly 10 mile run, I have not been off the place, have not worked (or not much anyway!) and have spent a lovely day cuddling with my cats, cooking lovely healthy food and had wine with dinner.  My day has been peaceful.  I have napped in my favorite chair, caught up with emails, and rested as the next week will be a descent into moving and deadline hell.  The thing I have done, however, is use work to shield from friends and have not had a lot of interaction with them.  I have to say that most of my friends understand my chaotic work schedule, and at times, I disappear for a while, but it is simply not fair to them.  And some of them have going through rough times this year, and because I was immersed in work, or dealing with my own issues, I feel I was not the friend I could be.  I will simply HAVE to change that. Must.  

From the family front, I occasionally get a call from my mother's sister, my hoarding aunt who is in the process of decompensating.  She calls to tell me things like the neighbor has cameras and technology in her house and car, and he is playing music to her, and watching her and harassing her, etc.  She claims my narcissistic sister is at the heart of it, and her delusions are on par with her limited and dated understanding of technology.  She has now decided that the psychotic break she had last May was not a medication interaction, but a hologram by this neighbor.  Ugh.  She is called the police constantly, so I am hoping that action will be taken by them to get her into care if she continues to deteriorate.  Like my mother, she has pushed everyone away.  She calls, and blows my phone up by hanging up and calling back tens of hundreds of times if I do not answer, which effectively blocks my phone from any other calls (like work since I am on call 24/7/365) and my response has been to answer and let her pontificate and end the call when I can.  Other than 'hello' and 'I have to go' I do not have to say anything.  Luckily, my narcissister is otherwise occupied, as is my niece so I do not have that level of drama right now, however, I suspect since my birthday is coming up I will hear from them.  

With all of that, my hoarding mother has continued to decline as well, and it is terrifying to watch her and her estranged sister progress down a parallel track of mental illness, paranoia, narcissism, and decompensation.  She is convinced the neighbor is sneaking in, and she too, like her sister, has alienated almost every physician in a small rural area and is now having issues get her prescriptions refilled and is having doctors who are referred refuse her as a patient because of her behavior in the past.  Her ability in creating a revisionist history amazes me, and again, I simply do not know what is true and what is not.

Next month I will be traveling to my home state for a conference, and last April I tried to see her and she declined.  I really have no intention of making an effort to see her this time.  Now, I know I may feel differently... Maybe I should read the entries from the end of April last year and the beginning of May to refresh my memory if I start to waver...  I do not need a helping of misery.  I continue to keep my contact very, very low, as going no contact would kick off a hate campaign of crazy that I do not have the time or energy to deal with right now.  

The other thing that has become apparent to me is I continue to put others first, and I have rescheduled my doctor's appointment to get to the root of the autoimmune issues I am having and the fact that I tried to push on in spite of having Type B Influenza earlier this month (before I knew I had it).  I have also rescheduled an initial appointment with a therapist, but I have the doctor's appointment and the therapist appointment in May.  Last May was a hard month with Mother's Day being so close to my birthday, interference and guilt from 'flying monkeys' of my mother's, and other things.  I was in a very lonely and isolated place a year ago.  I want to be prepared this go around.  

I am doing okay.  I could always do better, and that is what I want to do.  I do not want to get into the mindset of 'good enough' as I see how well that serves dysfunction.  And we all know I have seen plenty of THAT.

Have a great week everyone.  Thank you for reading.