My patience is wearing thin, my resilience thinner...

I am exhausted today. Lost a colleague and mentor who I thought very highly of yesterday, and my NM's narc sister (who is also a hoarder) has been calling and I have been ignoring her calls. She has not called for over a year (I think), and the day she called was the day I learned a friend in my circle of friends died unexpectedly, someone I had went out with as friends a couple of times (this was last week). As many know, I am on call all the time, and was sloppy in picking up the phone this one time, and she got me. She asked 'how are things with you?' and I replied 'been better, what can I help you with?' and that was the last thing I said until goodbye.

She is having a psychotic break again, and just returned from her 6th 302 (involuntary commitment). In this call, she informed me: She was attacked by my narc sister (who is also a hoarder- see a pattern here?) and her arms have had the tendons ripped from the bones but she has used things she learned in PT in the past to get them back, and she can barely hold a tea cup despite telling a story she had to wait holding over $200 in groceries for a cab to come because 'he' wrecked her car and tried to kill her and the DMV marked it as unsafe and has a salvage title. She has never said who 'he' is. She had been accusing a neighbor's son of playing music in her house and car before, and then suddenly was in love with him- I assume this is the person. She now says she has a more restrictive thing than a PFA that is forever (nothing like that exists in her state), that he was looking in her hospital window when she was committed and snatching cell phone connections from the air to transmit messages she can only hear, but now the hospital heard them too, and that she got a BB gun at Walmart and the guy at the counter told her how to shoot so the person would bleed to death. She claims to have boarded up her house, now has two dogs, and is threatening to 'kill him' if he comes in her house. She claims he is talking about how nasty her vagina is, and has turned people against her. She claims to now be paraplegic and that my 1/2 narc sister attacked her using a military move. She then said she is going to lose her house, etc. She then switched to how she has not seen me in a long time, and sort of asked me for money and/or to come stay with me.

NO and NO. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

I have blocked her number. I cannot take this level of craziness. She is just as dysfunctional as my mother, and she did nothing to protect her daughter from her pedophile father. Something she and my 1/2 sister have in common, not protecting their children from sexual predators, then disowning their kids when their trauma histories impact their choices as adults. I did make a wellness call to APS in her state without giving my information. This is not going to end well.

Work is extremely stressful, and as folks may remember I have had major surgery in mid August, and am on the cusp of figuring out what will most likely be a chronic, autoimmune and autonomic disorder. Someone close to me has attempted suicide and I am trying to provide support while he untangles that and the legal charges he is now facing because of that attempt, and I am just feeling like much of my resilience is being sucked out of me, and my NM is SSDD, and is escalating in her paranoia and nastiness, and she is on the extreme LC plan with me.

Thank goodness for my sweet kitties. I am just feeling really frustrated, have tons of medical bills, and the holidays are coming and I still have not shopped for my family of choice... My friends. I am hoping that 2018 is a better year for us all.

Hoarding, and the co-occurring mental illness. No one wins. Thanks for reading, and have a good week.

Post Christmas 2016

Hard to believe the holiday season is almost over.  2016 draws to a close, and although I think this has been a really hard year for many I care about, it is just a period of time.  Time itself is neutral, it is the values we assign to it that make it 'good' or 'bad'.  

Thinking about friends who have lost parents, siblings, significant others, children, beloved pets and too many other important people to list.  Thinking of the health issues that folks are facing, or have faced this year.  Including me... The health gods do not seem to be smiling on me too much.  I am in the midst of a major flare of whatever this is, and I hope to have a plan for some answers next month when I go to the teaching hospital about an hour away to start the consult process.  It has been a hard year of self discovery, introspection, and sometimes, repeating painful lessons because I just did not get them the first time, or two, or three.  I am continuing to prioritize what is important, and in that, I am letting go of what does not serve me anymore.  I have had wonderful experiences this past year, and I am planning a holiday in September abroad.  I have much to be grateful for.  
- My career and my work...  Although challenging, I love what I do.  It will most likely continue to be even more challenging in 2017, but I will rise to that challenge.  Often out of great chaos comes great opportunity.
-My sweet kitties.  I lost my two sweethearts a little less than a year apart, and I miss them daily, but I was able to honor them with adopting two special needs and elderly cats.  And I could not love them more.  I love watching them trust me more and more, and I want them to know nothing but love and happiness from this point forward.
-My health and my resilience.  Yes, I have had 'bumps' in the road but I am able to do what I value, am able to run, and to be active despite those challenges.
-My friends who are like family.  And the composition of my friendships are changing.  I am no longer making time for folks who in turn, treat me like an option.  No judgement or hard feelings, it is just priorities and lives evolve.  And I am not putting myself second any longer.  If folks are not willing to meet me part way when I make them a priority, then I will not pursue them.  I am here when they need me, and when they want to make space for me.  Until then, life goes on.  I just smile when someone says 'I haven't heard from you lately'.  Ah... that goes two ways.  Today is a new day!
-My 'gut'.  It very seldom leads me wrong, and I need to stop silencing it.  

There are many other things, but as I look at this list, I realize that for folks like my hoarding mother, hardship and adversity is a reason to ruminate, to be bitter, to be intentionally cruel, and to try to create an impenetrable wall.  I choose to not do that.  I choose to be open to new people, to novel experiences, and to use unpleasant happenings in my life as a lesson.  I refuse to get stuck.  Life is too short, and as approach age 48, I know that another 40 years is not promised, and quite bluntly, is not all that bloody likely.  I choose to live my life focused on relationships and experiences, not on things.  I keep saying life is meant to be lived at full volume.  I intend to live LOUD.  

I wish that things were different for my hoarding and/or/narcissistic family members.  I got a mushy holiday card from narcissister.  I did not hear from my niece, and my mother's estranged sister called after over 8 months of no contact.  She seems to be out of active psychosis, thankfully, but I felt like she was feeling me out to see if I was amenable to giving her any money.  Maybe not, but she seldom calls unless she wants to dump on me, to ask for information, or to ask for financial assistance.  I kept the call short and I think she was a bit puzzled as to what just happened when she hung up.

My hope is for everyone reading this that 2017 is full of opportunities, challenges, and new experiences.  I hope that this will be the year my hoarding mother develops some insight, empathy and willingness to be part of her own solution.  I know it will not happen, and I am not setting my self up for bitter disappointment, but I can still hope.

I think 'hope' is the only thing that has allowed me to draw from my resilience and persistence.  No matter what, no matter how long, it will get better.  <Sigh>

With that being said, I know I cannot change things for my hoarding mother.  And the best gift I can give myself is geographic as well as emotional distance.  I cannot change her reality, but I can shape mine in reference to hers.  And I choose to continue to maintain low contact, firm boundaries, and hope that some day, she may make a different decision.  One that does not surround her, her home, and anything she touches with toxicity.  She turned 80 this week.  A milestone birthday, which she spent alone.  Choices and behaviors have consequences.  That is hers.  I will continue to ensure that my solitude is affirming and not isolating, and I will continue to my work to grow and to heal.  

I often say that hoarding is something no one wins, and that is true.  But, if there is a silver lining of sorts, I think I have found it in gratitude, in resilience, in persistence, and in self awareness.

And so we go.  Onward and upward.  I wish each of you the best of all possible outcomes for 2017.  I keep thinking of Gretchen Rubin's paraphrased quote in the Happiness Project... 'The days are long, but the years are short.'

Thank you for reading.

It is that time again... From the Mouth of a Hoarder...

The only sentiment I can start this off with is ... WOW.  She has been on a roll lately... and not a particularly positive one at that.  I would advise if you are eating or drinking that you return at a time when you are not... Consider yourself warned!

And now to the next episode of FTMOAH!

"Are your feet rough?  Mine are so rough.  I have sharp crusts on my heels, and for the last two nights I cut and ruined two new pair of socks!"

After getting a recommendation from her general care practitioner re a cream for her feet...

"I cannot believe the difference!  After only using the cream a couple of days I can just roll the skin off my feet in layers!"

<<Retching>>

"...And I bought a sports bra thingie, and I use tape to attach to the ends of the tag plastic things so they do not flip away or hit the floor and one of the cats get it, those things could puncture their esophagus just like Mr. Dimwiddy [who died of sepsis after a fish bone punctured his esophagus in the mid 50's...]"

I will keep this one short and sweet, or short and nauseating...  You get the idea.  Her other comments have focused on her obsession with whether folks decorate for Christmas or not, her criticism of their lack of taste in decorations, and her speculation as why folks would decorate without having small children in the home.  She has also been focused on the behavior of a couple of acquaintances who are struggling with dementia/Alzheimer's disease, asking questions that start with "Do all people like that...[insert the behavior she finds aberrant]"...  Her amazing leaps of assumption and medically incorrect causality continues, all while she continues to live in the museum of long held grudges, petty misunderstandings, and simmering resentment.  

Have to find some humor from this, because if I did not laugh, I fear I would start screaming.  

Thank you for reading, and have a great week!

Christmas 2013

Today is Christmas day for those who celebrate.  For my hoarding mother, this is her birthday as well.  She is within striking distance of 80.  Sadly, due to her choices, she sits alone.  She immediately made a snarky comment about being bored and that it is not a Merry Christmas/Happy Birthday.  I let it go without comment.  Sad, but this is a trajectory that she set herself on at least 40-something years ago with me.

So... why this little happy blurb?  For me, this particular holiday has been an exceptionally happy one.  I had a serious medical issue that threatened my life this summer, and I came through it, and am here to celebrate.  I have amazing friends that are my family, and I spent a lovely day with them today.  I spent time with a friend yesterday evening bowling, playing arcade games and Skeeball, and the like until almost midnight.  I am feeling like myself, and my weight is up to where I was pre surgery, and I am working on getting back up to run.  Life is good.  

So I call my mother today.  To wish her positive Birthday and Christmas sentiments.  Not a terrible conversation, but full of the normal hoardy weirdness.  She mentioned that the folks across the street brought her a plate of food.  She picked up a box of Russell Stover candies and gave them to them, not in a friendship way, but in a transactional way.  I did not comment, and ended the call when I arrived at home, telling her I was planning on going upstairs and taking a nap.  This would have been around 4:30pm or so.  She made some comment in regards to 'good luck with that' and I advised her it would happen, I was going up, unloading the car, and taking a nice nap.  So... that happens.  I come in and fall asleep instantly and deeply.  And at 5:10pm... GUESS WHO CALLS...

My hoarding mother.  

<groggily> Hello?

"What is wrong with you?  Why are you upset?  What is wrong?  What is going on?"

I am not upset.  Nothing is going on.  I was taking a nap.  What do you need?

"I don't 'need' anything.  You sound upset... [starts previous rapid-fire questioning]"

You woke me up from a dead, deep sleep.  Remember the final part of our conversation a bit ago?  I said I was coming in to take a nap.  You called for a reason... tell me what it is.  I am wide awake now. 

"Well, I guess I remember that but I did not think about it ... all I wanted was to tell you what just happened..."

Okay.  So tell me.

"Well if you..."

Look.  I am awake now.  Tell me or don't.  Either way I am getting moving and doing some things done since my nap is over.

"You know the people across the street?  [Excruciating description of their home location...] The man called, and they brought me over a plate!  It was enough for THREE MEALS!  It had cheesecake and [continued itemization of the food].  WHAT IS GOING ON?"

It is a conspiracy of food.  Killing you with kindness.  I do not know.  I am glad they can do that for you.  Say thank you, and move on.  Enjoy your cheesecake.  Getting off of here.  

I ended the call.  Wow.  I would like to think one of the last things I would do if someone told me they were laying down for a nap is to call them 40 minutes later.  I would hope that I would not be so self-focused that I would put what I wanted above the other person's plans or needs.

So, since that call, I am enjoying my evening with my lovely cats, watched 'A Christmas Story' and 'Badder Santa' (please don't judge) and had my favorite vegetarian hot and sour soup and veggie egg roll.  

Conversation is always a bit disheartening, but it is what it is.  Just another affirmation of how pervasive the personality aspect/narcissism is that characterizes hoarding.  I remember growing up if I wanted to nap because I was tired or sick, she would simply not allow it, and if anyone had plans that they wanted to do, like me or my father, she would delay, drag her feet, and generally make going a burden, or make us so late that it adversely impacted whatever we wanted to do.  

Holidays have always been weird for me, and I wish I knew enough about hoarding and the collateral damage to children of the hoard to explain my apprehension and weirdness with the holiday.  I am sure I have puzzled boyfriends, roommates, friends, husbands, et al with my awkwardness.  My mother made any holiday rough.  It was like walking on eggshells, and she always found a reason to be angry, to scream, to rage, to pout, and to not speak to me.  More years than I can count, I would get her a gift and she would not open it, or would toss it aside. Some still are in the corner of the bedroom she shared with my father, I guarantee.  That room is hoarded floor to ceiling.  

Contrary to the reasons my mother does not decorate, I do not decorate.  One reason is my lack of religiosity, the other is I live a minimalist lifestyle in a small, open floor plan apartment and simply do not choose to decorate.  

Despite some discomfort with holidays, etc., I have peaceful ones spent with my furry family (my two cats) and with friends.  My family of choice.  No screaming, no hard feelings, no strange patches of rage.  Just fun, food, and enjoyment of each other's company.  The gifts are secondary, and are thoughtful and fun.  In that, I consider it to be a triumph over my upbringing.  

I hope that everyone has a lovely, lovely evening.  If you celebrate Christmas, Merry Christmas.  Whatever path you follow, I wish you the best of holiday wishes.  

Hoarding.  No one wins.  No one...  Thank you for reading.

From the Mouth of a Hoarder... Alternate title- Clownshit crazy near the holidays

Greetings!  Yes... It is that time again.  Time for more verbal clutter from the mouth of a hoarder.  

Um... Enjoy?

And here we go...
__________
"Think the shelter women would use a wok?  I have one that is like new and I keep all the boxes for things so I can store them back in their box!"

Of course you do.

"I also have an electric skillet that I got that is too big now that it is just me..."

Wait.  Woah.  Are you talking about the electric skillet that you had when Dad was alive, and that dreadful teflon covered mess of an electric wok that you bought in the early eighties?

"Well, I guess it would be that long maybe [Dad has been gone since Spring of 1989...] but I paid a lot for them and they are just like new!"

Okay.  As the director of a shelter, I would accept them and make over them like they were the best thing since sliced bread... but they would go in the front door, and out the back door to the dumpster.  They are 30-35 years old, and the wiring is that old, electronic safety changes, and from an ethical standpoint... the whole 'it is better than what they have now, nothing'... is not an appropriate outlook.  Look at this stuff dispassionately.  It is just stuff, not a puppy.

"Okay... well... I guess I need to rethink this.  Should I donate them to the Salvation Army?"

Um... same considerations, plus they support discrimination and inequality for LGBTQQIAA folks.

"What about the church that has a rummage sale?"

<Banging head on steering wheel...>
__________
"Does a toaster oven bake or does it just heat up?"

What?  What is your definition of the difference?  Never mind.  I would not attempt to bake a homemade pie from scratch in one, if that is what you are asking.  

"Well, I bought one and have not used it yet.."

Okay, here is a thought.  Most of these 'time/effort saving appliances are simply... NOT.  They end up as clutter and you could use the oven or stove top just as easily.
_________
"Did I tell you the neighbor's property sold?  I cannot imagine who would want that long, skinny lot with the foundation of the burnt house still there.  A woman bought it! <reads name> Wonder if she is old or young?  I cannot imagine building a house on that lot!  And the former neighbors could have sold that 2 years ago to someone, and they refused!..."

<Argh>
__________
"Well, HE was in here last night on the porch!  [Describes in excruciating detail of her little 'traps' she sets so she can tell a door was opened.]
__________
"{Whispering conspiratorially} Did you see the news from here today?"

No.  

"Nothing?"

Do you mean Hector?  [The guy I dated through junior high and 1/2 of high school, and some college who was a high ranking director at a local governmental human service agency, who was forced to resign.]

"Yes!  How did you know about this?  Oh- I suppose you talked to him and did not feel the need to share this!  Who had it in for him!  Wonder what happened?  I was talking to Dr. Wednesday [who went to high school with both of us] and she said that she thought he was the fall guy for something that happened a few weeks ago and..."

Look.  I am aware of it.  I have touched base with him and his wife.  It is their business, and I will not speculate or carry gossip or anything that could be interpreted salaciously.  It is over, and I wish him and his family the best.

"... [The barrage of questions start] And I hope he does not lose everything... that would be AWFUL!"

Hector and his wife are down to earth folks, and they are not real invested in material craziness.  Losing everything sucks, but is not the end of the world.

"...[More questions that I will not answer on his wife's vocation, pay levels, where they live, etc.] So who was the person who had it in for him?"

I am not discussing this any further.  Hector and his family deserve privacy.  Would you like to discuss something else?  No?  Okay.  Buh-bye!  <dial tone>
__________
"...[Droning on about her deaf cat and his latest attempts to jump in the toilet... my theory is he is attempting to para suicide to avoid the misery of that hoarded house and the dysfunction perpetuated by her...] Do you remember when your first cat jumped in the toilet [in 1974!]... What a mess!  You remember that?"

No.  I remember you telling about it many, many times over the years, but do not remember it.  

"[Sputtering] But you were right there!  How can you not remember that?"

I do not have consistent memory of most things, if any, before age 8 or 9, and stuff does not really 'fill in' for me until age 10 or so.

"That is SOOOOO STRANGE!  Why I can remember most everything... But then again, you have had a few 'clonks to the head'..."

This has been an issue since long before my fractured skull and concussions, which did not happen until later teen years.  It is not strange at all, all things considered... it is actually quite typical...

"So I am so sick of the KMart Ad with those men shaking their worms when everyone raised so much hell about that little Cyrus girl shaking her butt..."
_________


To those reading this, I wish you a Happy Holiday Season, whatever you choose to celebrate, in whatever way is meaningful to you.  If you do not celebrate, I wish you a wonderful week.  Thank you for reading!

OMG- Speaking of 'Gifts'

I was speaking with another COH yesterday.  He has been dealing with his 90+ father who has dementia, is fighting them at each turn, and can be as mean as a snake.

'Eddie' was at his father's home doing a forced clean out so his father can use his motorized scooter and can actually bathe.  (The HP has MRSA, and has infected his son twice, and his toddler grandson!!!)  Anyway, I digress.  

There is a lot of passive aggressive stuff there, but 'Eddie' was there over Christmas.  His father always gives everyone else 'hoardy' gifts, but never gives him anything... which he is FINE with.  His half brother 'Herman' had flown in from the Midwest to help with the hoard clean out.  

Want to guess what his Christmas gift was?  A hale and healthy middle aged man who had to FLY to get to his hoarding father's home?

Give up?

A Zap Cane.  

O_o

That's right.  A Zap Cane.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m6YviUA4NtE 

It is a piece of crap cane with a flashlight in the handle, and a taser at the end.  

My advice to 'Eddie' was the following... If his brother had missed his chance to have his prostrate examined, all he would have to do is take that little number to the airport.  I guarantee that the TSA would give him an 'exam' for free.  And possibly 3 hots and a cot.

It is not a competition, but I think fellow COH's 'Eddie' and 'Herman' win the bad/bizarre gift completion for COH's... if there was such a thing.

And the entire time 'Eddie' was speaking of this, I had horrified visions of my hoarding mother discovering that such a thing exists.  She will buy 4 million of them.  (That is a slight exaggeration.  She will buy at least 6.  I guarantee it.) She wants a taser currently and has been ruminating about it, and is looking for the 'perfect' cane to replace the 42 year old one she is using now.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE... do not let her ever know this item exists.  She is already a menace with a concealed carry for a handgun, and if she had this thing, she would tase anyone that annoyed her.  And she is always annoyed.  And I am not bailing her butt out or will not post bail if it happens.

I fear it is just a matter of time.  Yeesh.  Who thinks up this crap?!